by Jeannette Jaquish
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Frog Prince and the Princess Brat, free scene 1
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SCENE 3: FROG DAY AFTERNOON (begins in front of closed curtain)
----LINES SKIPPED----
PRINCESS: (finally resigned to being with the frog)
Normal? It’s been such a rattled up day,
I hardly remember how,
I had breakfast, embroidery, then outside play,
Tea with Mother and now….
(gasp! She realizes her tutor is coming and will see her with a frog.)
Great Merlin’s beard! Ummm, I know a game! You hide and I will seek!
(tries slamming FROG into a drawer)
I’ll count to a thousand, so find a good place. I promise not to peek!
FROG: Ouch Ow! Watch it! Don’t give me no jive!
BUTLER (entering): Begging pardon, Princess, your tutor does arrive.
(CONCEITA tosses him behind the loveseat where puppeteer puts him on. He pops up.)
PRINCESS: Oh, tell him I’m not ready, that I’m sick and can’t be seen!
FROG: Sick! Poor little congested baby! I’ll run and tell the Queen!
PRINCESS: GET BACK HERE, my pookie wookie.
Jeffers! Send the tutor away!
(BUTLER EXITS)
Oh, Froggy, I just thought I’d play hooky,
so we would have more time to play.
Lessons are such a bore..
TUTOR: (ENTERING from another entrance) Buenos dias, Princess Conceita!
(PRINCESS swoops FROG under cushion and sits on him.)
PRINCESS: Buenos dias, professor! (BWEN-os DEE-us Pro-fess-OR)
(TUTOR turns away to set his satchel and cap down. FROG squirms his head out.)
FROG: Mama mia! Dolce vita!
TUTOR: (back still turned) Italian? Excellent! Though your diction is low bred.
It pleases me to know that you are studying ahead.
FROG: Aye Carumba! Move your bumper! You’re sitting on my head!
(TUTOR turns to look.)
PRINCESS: Hee hee! I heard the gardeners say that.
(gruff) Aye Carumba. (sweetly) What does it mean?
TUTOR: Just lower class chit-chat,
About lower class hygiene.
Spying on servants is a hobby quite shady,
Not wholesome behavior for an important young lady.
Are you uncomfortable, Princess? Sitting on nails?
Get your instrument, please. I want to hear your scales.
(PRINCESS takes pillow and FROG across stage to stringed instrument (guitar, mandolin, violin).
PRINCESS: Please, Froggy, don’t let Tutor see you. He’ll think me childish and unrefined.
FROG: A princess bowing to a teacher????? Doesn’t your daddy rule over all mankind?
----LINES SKIPPED----
(CONCEITA strums her instrument to get his attention.)
TUTOR: Yes, let’s hear you play your recital piece.
(TUTOR goes downstage, faces audience, with back to CONCEITA. FROG pops up on bench behind CONCEITA. CONCEITA will play correctly until FROG jumps up at her instrument or on her head, causing moments of musical discord She struggles to play correctly and fend him off with her foot.
TUTOR cringes a little for off notes and spasms greatly for the Frog’s sabotage.)
TUTOR: (discord) Ow! A little flat. Please start again…………………………..
(discord) No no! Please try to keep your composure……………………….
(discord)
(worst discord, CONCEITA loses temper and goes into spinning whacking fit trying to hit FROG who ducks out of sight.),
Stop! You’re murdering the music!
(TUTOR turns to look.)
(CONCEITA spins and whacks a moment, then freezes, instrument raised.
They look at each other, then CONCEITA lowers instrument and smiles sweetly.)
CONCEITA: I’m sorry. I haven’t been practicing.
----LINES SKIPPED----
TUTOR: (walking back)
Normally, I would say,
A child that acts up this way,
Has too many assignments to do;
However, let it not be forgotten,
That you are spoiled rotten,
So I know that cannot be true.
CONCEITA: Sir, I know my behavior,
Would make a saint quaver,
It’s a devil that led me to sin.
(glancing to where Frog is)
Please grant me a waiver,
To win back your favor.
And I’ll ne’er be discourteous again.
----LINES SKIPPED----
TUTOR: Would you like me to repeat it?
CONCEITA: nodding
TUTOR: “Amidst the mists and frosts he boasts,
He thrusts his fists against the posts,
And still insists he sights the ghosts.”
CONCEITA: Amidst the mists the blister blasted frosted flake frogs (gasp) Professor, please, would you get me a glass of water? From the dining hall! (points desperately out doorway)
TUTOR: Why, of course! (Exits concerned.)
(CONCEITA puts stuff back in satchel, pausing to look at map.)
CONCEITA: Can’t you behave? You are so infantile!
Oh! This map is beautiful, in Tutor’s artistic style.
FROG: Hey, I can see your house.
(CONCEITA rolls her eyes and snorts at the bad joke.)
CONCEITA: He’s coming! Now be quiet as a mouse!
(hides him on table and rushes to seat)
TUTOR: Here is your water, Conceita. Tickle in your throat?
CONCEITA: (drinking) Thank you, yes. Mum was just telling me I sounded like a goat.
(FROG comes out of hiding and nudges himself under TUTOR’s cap. CONCEITA tries not to react. FROG, wearing cap with a flower in his mouth, jumps up and down behind TUTOR’s back clown-like, causing CONCEITA to try desperately not to laugh, producing some desperate convulsions of her face and breathing. Finally at the end she can contain it no more and bursts out laughing.)
TUTOR: Conceita, A member of the royal family, when in the public eye,
Must always be presentable, and able to identify,
When their mental capacity,
And emotional audacity,
Has unfortunately gone awry.
I know not what traumas assimilated,
Or messages articulated,
Or genetics have begot you this blot.
But something no doubt complicated,
Has rendered you addle-pated,
For your self control is shot!
(CONCEITA bursts out laughing uncontrollably. TUTOR shakes his head in hopeless pity.)
Oh, inbreeding. Where is it leading?
(TUTOR turns to see FROG who leaps at him, startling him so he screams and falls backwards. He recovers and grabs FROG off of puppeteer’s hand.)
TUTOR: A toad! So you are the cause of all this inanity!
I’m glad you’re the explanation instead of insanity.
There’s someone hungry for your company waiting in the moat.
You can repent your sins as you slide down his long, long throat.
----LINES SKIPPED----
TUTOR: This frog can talk?
CONCEITA: (laughing) Oh, yes!
TUTOR: Poppycock! Well, then, let’s hear it.
CONCEITA: Come on Froggy. Show your spirit.
FROG: Kribbbit.
(CONCEITA looks shocked. TUTOR looks smug.)
CONCEITA: Come on Froggy. You can’t have forgotten how.
You’ve been blathering since we met. Don’t shut up now!
