by Jeannette Jaquish
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Princesses Conceita, Divea and Petula, Butler, Tutor, Frog
BUTLER: (running to stand at attention)
Presenting the Princess of Velgian the lovely Petula! and the Princess of Bordeen, the beautiful Divea.
PETULA: Why did you call her beautiful and me just lovely?
My father will hear about this!
(skipped lines)
CONCEITA: Listen Frog, the jig is up. So pay attention close!
Tutor thinks you’re a science project for me to diagnose,
But these girls will see right through you,
And see the frog that’s true….. -ly
Absolutely, positively GROSS!
(skipped lines)
DIVEA: I can’t decide which language to study, Professor. German or Pig Latin?
PETULA: Don’t be dumb, Divea. Your talk is so unlearned.
Everyone who spoke Pig Latin died when ancient Rome burned.
(skipped lines)
GROWING PAINS
(tune of English Country Gardens: verse, verse, refrain, refrain)
D: Shoulders back and chin up,
I can’t see my feet,
If I trip they say it’s growing pains,
P: Gently place the teacup,
Always kind and sweet,
If I cuss they say it’s growing pains,
D: Petticoats and “if you please”,
P: Stifle every sneeze,
DP: Military strategies,
C: If I dare to wonder what peasants have to eat,
DPC: They just cluck and call it “growing pains”
(slower)
DPC: How we long to go out to
The meadow for a spin, (twirl)
Running barefoot in the wind,
(QUEEN appears in door, looks disapproving, they stop.
QUEEN EXITS. PRINCESSES go sit.)
But the only laugh we get to have is knocking ‘round the staff, (BUTLER ENTERS, cringes.)
It’s expected – we’ve got growing pains.
BUTLER: (bringing in tray of cookies, teapot and cups, serves)
Sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks,
Every curl in place,
Beware these ever growing pains.
(PRINCESSES inspect cups and cookies, find fault and toss a few of them at BUTLER, drop them in his clothes, “crush” them on his head, etc. and whack him.)
Creamy knuckles, dainty feet,
Smashing in your face,
Defend yourself from growing pains,
Given everything they want,
Never felt the rod,
Raised to think they’re next to God,
But acting distinctly more like His nemesis,
Watch out for these growing pains.
(PRINCESSES stand on their line, BUTLER tidies up debris and leaves plate of cookies.)
D: So keep a stiff upper lip,
P: It soon will be our turn,
C: Then we’ll have the fun we yearn, (PRINCESSES have pillow fight.)
B: Yes, the country’s in for trouble when they take the reins,
They’ll be grown up but still growing pains.
(BUTLER EXITS as PRINCESSES throw pillows after him. Then they sit on bench and chair. Not in view of cookie plate.)
(skipped lines)
PETULA: When I become Queen, I’m changing the law that Princesses have to only marry royalty.
DIVEA: Do you have someone in mind?
PETULA: There’s this boy I see carrying the buckets of milk from the stables. He’s so strong and his hair shines like yellow silk. One time he saw me looking at him and he dropped his buckets. I waved at him but he just bowed and grabbed his buckets and ran off. It was so cute.
(FROG eats all the cookies. Then hides where puppeteer removes hand and inserts full water balloon with end twisted instead of tied. He then reappears to sleep under table. )
DIVEA: You don’t want to marry a dirty peasant. They can’t read or write. They’re only good for hard labor.
PETULA: I hear them singing and playing music in the evenings. Some of it is lovely. You can‘t be stupid and make music.
DIVEA: Birds make music and they’re stupid.
PETULA: So marry your uncle’s cousin, or that ugly prince from The United Colonies of Norvonia!
DIVEA: Ewwww, you marry him!
CONCEITA: I try not to think about marriage. It’s too depressing. I’m hungry. Did we moosh all the cookies into Jeffers’ hair?
PETULA: The cookies? Where?
DIVEA: That plate was full.
PETULA: They couldn’t just disappear. (They look suspiciously at each other.)
CONCEITA: I’m sure they didn’t. I’ll call Jeffers to bring us some more. Ding ding……. JEFFERS!
BUTLER: Yes, Princesses!
CONCEITA: Bring us more cookies.
BUTLER: You ate ALL those cookies!?? (turns to audience pushes up pig nose.)
CONCEITA: We didn’t eat any. They disappeared.
BUTLER: Magic or not. I received instructions from the cook that he got from the Grand Vizier that he got from the Queen that she got from ancient Babylonian manuscripts that you girls were not to get more than one serving of refreshments. She mentioned bursting out of your ball gowns like punctured grubs.
(skipped lines)
DIVEA: Oh! It’s a toy! You selfish girl, Conceita. Keeping this darling little stuffed frog all to yourself. (grabs him up)
CONCEITA: No, don’t pick him up!
DIVEA: Oh, he’s so cute. (manipulating FROG) How do you make him talk?
PETULA: (pulling on a leg) Let me hold it, Divea. Stop hogging.
DIVEA: (holding tight around his belly, squeezing balloon) I got it first, Petula. Wait your turn, next visit.
CONCEITA: Don’t squeeze his belly!
(FROG’s water balloon squirts water onto DIVEA AND PETULA. They scream and toss him to where Puppeteer can get him. DIVEA & PETULA react to their wet dresses.)
PETULA: That was a real frog. That was a mean trick. I’ll never forgive you. I’m telling my daddy to declare war on your daddy. Divea! Tell your daddy to declare war on her daddy!
(skipped lines)
