Kribbbitt!
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Cast:
Princess Conceita, bratty, bright, age 8+ in short version, age 10+ in longer version.
Cupcake, her pet dog or cat wears ribbons & bows (puppet or actor)
Frog, rough and flirty, pub street accent (puppet)
Queen Mum, snobby, bossy
Butler (can also play Frog), mournful, resentful
Boy Prince who was the Frog (can also play Frog), shy, mischievous sense of humor
ADDITIONAL CHARACTERS IN LONGER MUSICAL VERSION:
Tutor/The Raven: sophisticated suave teacher and villain, male
Princess Divea of Bordeen, age 9 and up,
Princess Petula of Velgian, age 9 and up,
Diplomat from Bordeen, cavalier
Diplomat from Velgian, cavalier
Kidnapper Lob,
Kidnapper Stump,
Kidnapper Thunk.
(Stage: Pond area downstage right with trees upstage of pond and empty space upstage of trees. Princess’s bed and table with table cloth stage left.)
SCENE 1: The Frog in the Pond
(Curtain opens. Princess sits on shore playing with ball. Cupcake sits on her lap.)
CUPCAKE: Once upon a time, when people talked in rhyme,
In the kingdom lived a creature charming and sublime,
A beautiful coquette, a blushing violet,
Beloved by all, the Royal Princess…. Conceita’s favorite pet!!! … Me!
PRINCESS: Oooh, does Cupcake want a scratch? She/He just might. (scratches pet’s ears)
CUPCAKE: Oooooohhhhhh…. a little to the right. (kicking leg in unbearable pleasure)
CUPCAKE: Besides her favorite pet, ME, to bring her joy ,
Princess Conceita also had a favorite toy:
A beautiful, bright, crystalline ball,
She throws it up high, to catch on the fall.
She gazes, fascinated by its sparkling rays,
She always brings it out here on warm and sunny days…
Along with ME, but, of course, that goes without saying,
And I lie here thinking, “That’s a funny way of playing.”
If I had a ball I’d chew on it and bat it,
I’d bury it and dig it up and snarl and growl at it…
I’d sneak up on it sloooowly, POUNCE and give it a slap!
I’d run around in circles… (yawn) and then I’d take a nap…..zzzzzzzzzz….
PRINCESS: (to the tune of Britney Spears’, “Ooops, I did it again”)
Sparkle in the sunlight,
Look in you deep,
Visions take flight;
Sparkle in the moonlight,
And while I’m asleep,
Dreams of beauty all night;
(PRINCESS drops the ball into the pond, into hidden bowl of water causing splash.)
My ball! My beautiful crystalline ball!
The water is so deep, and it is so small!
(Reaches hand down into water, pulls it back.)
And cold, like ice, and so dark it’s black,
It’s gone forever. (waaahhhh!) I’ll never get it back.
Sob sob sob….
FROG: (peeking up)
What’s up, buttercup? Drop your little toy?
Don’t cry, punkin pie! I’m your rescue boy!
PRINCESS: Who did speak? (looks around)
FROG: Yo! Pretty thing! (pops out of water (flick some water up from bowl))
PRINCESS: (sees him, starts whacking him with her hat or parasol or something)
Eeeeek!
A horrible, slimy, disgusting frog!
Get away!! Get lost!! Go back to your bog!
FROG: Relax! Ya little battle-axe…
I bring no danger,
But, OW! it’s good, cause ya should,
OUCH! stay clear of a stranger;
(PRINCESS stops whacking him.)
But I heard ya crying,
Like someone’s dying,
So gimme the song of what’s wrong,
without all the anger!
PRINCESS: (sits, sniffling) I dropped my ball into the water.
FROG: And for that you’s wailing to the Holy Fawtter??!! (meaning the Pope, The Holy Father)
PRINCESS: (pouty and mad) I want it back! It’s my favorite toy!
FROG: Then shout Halleluiah! I’m your boy!
PRINCESS: (idea) You’re a frog! You can swim!
FROG: (to audience) Me thinks this princess is a little bit dim.
Listen sister, I’ll give you a hand…
PRINCESS (stands, points): Fetch my ball! That’s a command!
FROG: Keep your crown on, Princess,
How’s about a deal instead?
PRINCESS: Fetch my ball!
Or I’ll chop off your head!
FROG: It’s no mystery why some kings go insane,
If they’ve got a princess like this royal pain.
I’ll be back, little cranberry,
Fast as a sneeze,
As soon as I hear those two little words:
Puh – lease!
PRINCESS: (making face of distaste) Please? Please?????
I’m a princess! I don’t say please!
I say, “Do this,” “Do that,” and “To the dungeon,” of course,
I say, “Peel me a grape!” and “Saddle my horse!”
(silence, she sits)
Come back, Froggy.
(silence)
Nice little, Froggy?
(silence)
(MAD!) Oooooh!!!! (whisper) Please?
FROG (voice): I can’t hear you.
PRINCESS: (deadpan) Please.
FROG (voice): Did you say “cheese”?
PRINCESS: (screaming) I SAID “PLEASE”!!!!!
FROG: (tugs on her skirt so she sits)
Thank you and good day,
Forgive my warts, I know they’re a mess,
I’ll just sit on your lap,
Don’t mind, do ya, Princess?
PRINCESS (gritted teeth): I said, “please,” dear little Froggett.
FROG: (rummaging in her pockets) Got any tarts in one o’ these pockets?
PRINCESS: (jumping up) I said “please” like you insisted,
you ambitious amphibian!
FROG: Cool your heels, sister,
or we’ll have to begin again.
(PRINCESS sits.)
I don’t’ mean to bug you,
I ain’t no insect,
But before I do ya a favor,
I gots to do you a check,
Cause if youse can’t stand,
To be near me at all,
It won’t do me no good,
To be fetching yer ball.
PRINCESS: What do you mean?
FROG: Ask your good mum, the Queen,
I’m cursed by a witch, to be a frog is my fate,
Unless I find me a princess to share her pillow and plate,
An’ let me ride in her pocket until three days hence,
An’ then with a smooch, turn me back to a prince.
PRINCESS: A prince??? You!!! A prince??!!
(Laughs hysterically for a long time)
A prince? Not likely. Talking like that?
If you were ever a human,
You held out a beggar’s hat.
FROG: You’s saying my pro-nun-skiation
Ain’t very dapper?
You try talking with a mouth,
Shaped like a clapper,
And I got no real lips,
Tongue like a rubber band,
Eating flies makes me hoarse,
Aww, you don’t understand,
But I don’t need your pity,
Just three days, that’s all
Pillow, plate and pocket. Promise?
And I’ll fetch you that ball.
PRINCESS: (crossing her fingers so frog can’t see)
Sure, I promise, that doesn’t sound hard at all,
You dive in the water and fetch me my ball,
And for three days I’ll share my pillow, plate and pocket.
FROG: It’s a deal, sister! Now I’m off like a rocket!
(Dives into pond, splashing hidden bowl of water.)
(PRINCESS looks, leaning closer and closer to pond. FROG pops up startling her. PRINCESS grabs the ball from the FROG’s mouth.)
PRINCESS: And I’m not saying thank you! (EXITS)
FROG: Nor even toodle-oo;
But I’ll be saying hello,
Before tea time is through. (EXITS)
CUPCAKE (waking, yawning) Eeeek!
My princess is gone! She left me alone!
For the wild beasts to pounce on and chew to the bone,
What does it mean? She loves me no more?
I must lick her and scratch her and piddle the floor! (EXITS)
(CURTAIN CLOSES)
End of Scene 1.
