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By Hathor
CATEGORY: Humour
SPOILERS: None
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNING: None
SUMMARY: Sam gets Showtime, but then, lets not forget her Internet connection… sequel to Marketable, which you HAVE to read before you read this.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Stargate. It owns me. It does belong to various people at MGM, Showtime/Sci-Fi (not entirely sure about that one anymore), Gekko Productions, Double Secret Productions, and whoever else might have their grubby little mitts on it. Could those aforementioned people NOT sue, because I’m very poor, and I made no money from this fic. Believe it or not, it was actually for entertainment. I have no idea who’s actually entertained (not me), but just don’t sue, okay? I also don’t own any of the sites or authors mentioned.
AUTHORS NOTES: I didn’t want to write a sequel, I really didn’t. But sometimes you get these ideas and dammit, they just won’t go away… In case you couldn’t tell, it was another case of the evil plot bunnies again. To anyone who is mentioned, or the sites mentioned in this fic: I mentioned them out of a respect for them. If you don’t want to be mentioned, that’s cool. Just mail me, and I’ll take you right out. Do I want feedback? Hello? Is the sky blue? :)
‘GET IN HERE! NOW!!!’
Sam nearly ran into her study, where the order had emanated from, Daniel and Teal’c close behind.
‘What’s wrong sir?’ she asked, praying that her CO hadn’t found anything… incriminating in her study, namely her missing pink bra. He had been in there for the past hour, searching for “fanfiction” something General Hammond had mentioned.
Jack was pointed at her computer screen with a shaking hand. Sam bent over his shoulder. ‘”Heliopolis- The Stargate SG1 Fanfiction Archive”. What’s so bad about that sir?’
‘And what is this fanfiction?’ contributed Teal’c.
‘It’s fiction. By the fans,’ whispered Jack. ‘About us. But you wouldn’t know they were fans. I’ve just started to read some of it and it’s hideous!’
‘Jack, how many windows do you have open?’ asked Daniel, squinting at the status bar on Sam’s computer. ‘Looks like about 10…’
’7, actually,’ replied Jack. ‘I got to all the sites possible before reading any of it.’
‘Heliopolis… Heliopolis 2… Area 52: The HKH Standard… The Sam and Jack Archive… Love River- The Sam and Daniel archive… O’Neill’s House… Frondfic… Jack, what are all of these?’ asked Daniel.
‘Fan sites,’ answered Jack. ‘Pull up a chair. You seriously need to read some of these.’,/body>
Sam, Daniel and Teal’c did as ordered, and sat leaning over the Colonels shoulder. He pulled up something from “Frondfic” to start off with. He began reading for all of two minutes, and began spluttering. Sam and Daniel started to giggle.
‘This woman calls herself a fan? She’s a sadist! Why does she do this to me… What’s her name, anyway?’
‘Her name is Tanya, O’Neill,’ answered Teal’c.
‘Lets try another one,’ said Jack, shuddering at the memory of what Tanya had done to him. Thank god she wasn’t a Goa’uld…
SG1 read on through Frondfic, and each time they had to stop reading two sentences in. Sam and Daniel were beginning to hyperventilate from needing to laugh, and Jack was hyperventilating for different reasons.
‘I’m gong to see these images in my dreams,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m never going to be able to leave the mountain again! What if these women find me?’
‘How do you know Doc, Tanya and Chrisbod are women?’ asked Teal’c innocently. Jack gave him an evil glare, and Teal’c took the hint by shutting up.
Sam leaned forward and switched off the window with “Frondfic” on it. ‘Lets try another one, shall we sir?’ she said completely neutrally, the only way she could stop laughing hysterically. Jack nodded quickly, and clicked onto “O’Neill’s House”. ‘This sounds more friendly,’ murmured Daniel to Teal’c.
Teal’c nodded. ‘Let us hope so, for O’Neill’s sake.’
They entered “O’Neill’s Place” and Jack clicked on a story. He kept on reading, and again, after a few minutes, had to flick it off. ‘WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING TO ME????’ he yelled, his face a picture of fear and anger. ‘They’re all sadists!’
Sam and Daniel could no longer contain their laughter. They exploded in laughter, holding onto each other for support. Daniel put a hand up, trying to apologise to Jack. ‘S…s…sorry Jack… it’s just…’ and so he exploded in laughter again. Jack looked seriously peeved. In all the motion, no one noticed Teal’c slipping towards the computer, and flicking open a new window- “Heliopolis 2”. He began reading without anyone really noticing him, Sam and Daniel slowly re-gaining their composure, Jack looking seriously disturbed. However, Teal’c began to open a story, and started to read it. No one noticed him until he let out a huge shout of horror and leapt back from the computer. Daniel and Sam stopped laughing, and even Jack turned back towards the computer, forgetting his earlier fear..
‘What’s up Teal’c?’ he asked, wondering if Teal’c had found his version of Tanya. Teal’c pointed at the computer. Sam leaned over his shoulder, and began to read out loud. ‘ “Sam looked at the Colonel, years of yearning finally released. As he watched, she began to slowly take off her… and then he… with his tongue…” oh god, this is sick!’ she exclaimed. ‘This would never happen!
Jack nodded. ‘Please take off this story... Teal’c, what the hell is this site?’
‘ “Heliopolis 2- the Stargate SG1 Adult Fanfiction Archive”,’ Teal’c intoned. ‘I would be most intrigued to find the Children’s Archive.’
Daniel sighed. ‘Teal’c, that’s not what adult means,’ he said. ‘It means graphic sexual content… no wonder this site was so…’
‘Icky?’ filled Jack. Daniel nodded.
‘Exactly. Icky.’
Teal’c raised an eyebrow, and edged away from the computer slightly. ‘Do you have anything more… wholesome?’
‘We could try the Daniel/Sam and Jack/Sam sites,’ suggested Daniel. ‘Although Teal’c doesn’t seem to have quite as many sites.’ Teal’c looked downright offended.
‘I think we’ve already seen what Jack/Sam sites are like, Daniel,’ said Sam. ‘So it doesn’t take a great leap of the imagination to describe what Daniel/Sam sites are like.’
Daniel, Sam and Jack simultaneously shivered. (AN: Can it please be noted at this point that I’m NOT a noromo, but I am in this story. Sorry to everyone at SDR.)
‘What about Area 52: The HKH Standard?’ suggested Teal’c. The rest of SG1 nodded.
‘That sounds slightly more friendly,’ said Jack, although he was still wary. He sat back down on the computer chair and clicked on the corresponding screen. He got himself onto the authors list, and lifted an eyebrow. ‘Now what?’ he asked, half to himself and half to his team.
‘What about…’ started Daniel, when Sam suddenly made a very loud gasping noise, reached over her CO and turned that particular screen off.
‘Carter!’ said Jack, looking a mite annoyed. ‘Why?’
‘I was a bit of a science-fiction nerd in my youth,’ said Sam, blushing. ‘Slash means gay relationships. And this is a slash site… do I have to draw a picture?’
Jack slammed the screen off as quickly as possible, breathing heavily. The computer gave off a small click, meaning that he was disconnected from the Internet. He turned around to his team, all of whom were looking slightly shell-shocked.
‘I’m sooooo going to get General Hammond for this,’ muttered Jack. Sam and Daniel nodded enthusiastically.
‘Why did General Hammond tell of us of such things?’ said Teal’c, an eyebrow raising again.
‘Because he’s a very, very sick person,’ answered Jack dryly. He stood up from the computer, and stretched out. ‘Well, I’m off to have nightmares. Want a lift back to the base?’ he asked the groups resident Jaffa. Teal’c nodded, and made for the doorway, Jack close behind.
‘Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Carter,’ said Jack, just before he left. ‘Thanks for everything…’
Daniel began to move away too. ‘Gotta go Sam,’ he said regretfully. Sam walked with them to the door, and waved them off. When she was quite sure they were gone, she went back to her computer, and flicked back onto the Internet. She began reading the fics from Frondfic, in between falling on the floor in hysterical laughter…
Oh, the things that she could bribe the Colonel with now…
