Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

Marketable

SPOILERS: The Broca Divide

RATING: G

CONTENT WARNING: None

PAIRING: None

SUMMARY: Sam gets Showtime

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Stargate. It owns me. It does belong to various people at MGM, Showtime/Sci-Fi (not entirely sure about that one anymore), Gekko Productions, Double Secret Productions, and whoever else might have their grubby little mitts on it. Could those aforementioned people NOT sue, because I’m very poor, and I made no money from this fic. Believe it or not, it was actually for entertainment. I have no idea who’s actually entertained (not me), but just don’t sue, okay?

AUTHORS NOTES: Dedicated to all my evil teachers who seem to think that homework is more important than fic. This is why its taken so long to get to you. Damn you all, but especially Mrs Bennett, (Chemistry) Miss Summers (RE) and Mr Ashworth. (Physics) Oh, and not forgetting Mrs Roden. (Biology) Thanks a bunch, Napoleonic power mongers! I know it all doesn’t correspond exactly with the episode and the time frame, but I like it the way I did it! Take place during the 1st season, what with it being during the Broca Divide and all… Feedback? Pretty please?


It was pizza night for SG1, and they had all invaded Sams place, for one reason- she had recently installed Showtime. Wanting a change of pace from hockey, Daniel had insisted that they ‘try out’ Sams new channels.

So there they were, sprawled in Sam’s living room, Daniel and Jack on the sofa, Teal’c and Sam on separate armchairs. Sam picked up the remote, and flicked on the TV. SG1 all leaned forward, waiting for the new channel to come on, with anticipation not unlike just before they went through the Stargate.

They were confronted by… adverts.

‘Damn,’ said Jack, taking a drink from his beer. ‘Well, we can wait,’ he said optimistically.

‘Shh, something’s coming on!’ said Daniel. Jack immediately shut up, and Daniel filed away the method for later use.

SG1 were presented with an odd view. According to the TV Guide, they would be seeing “an exciting new sci-fi show.” This didn’t explain the images they WERE seeing.

SG1 sat in silence, watching the TV for a few more seconds. Then Jack spoke up.

‘Carter, why have you got us watching a CCTV video of ourselves instead of Showtime?’

‘I haven’t, sir,’ replied Sam, looking mystified. ‘This IS Showtime.’

‘Well, why are we watching images of when we went to the Land Of Light?’ asked Jack. Sam shrugged.

‘I don’t know, sir. It looks like Showtime got hold of some of our CCTV tapes, and…’

‘Are showing them, causing a major security leak?’ finished off Jack. ‘Well, this is great. I’m going to talk to the General… he might know what’s going on. Can I use your phone?’ he asked Sam, in the middle of dialling up the base. Sam nodded, and carried on watching themselves, immersed in how Showtime had shown them off.

‘Hi, General Hammonds office please,’ said Jack. ‘Colonel O’Neill.’

He looked at the TV while waiting, and his mouth dropped open. ‘I said that?’ he asked incredulously. Daniel nodded, hiding a smile.

‘Hi, General Hammond?’ said Jack into the phone. ‘We’ve just switched on the TV, and…’

He paused. ‘Yes, Showtime sir,’ he said, staring at the screen at the same time. The suddenly sat bolt upright.

‘That’s the opening titles? Oh, come on… sorry sir. We’re still watching the program. Yes sir… Stargate SG1.’

Tinny voices came form the other end of the phone.

‘No sir, I haven’t seen you yet… wait, my mistake. There you are.’

Mumble, mumble.

‘Jack, shut up!’ said Daniel. ‘This is quite good…’

‘Yes sir, Daniel does seem to like it.’

Mumble, mumble, mumble, distant laughter, mumble.

‘Sir, what’s actually going on?’

Mumble, mumble.

‘The president authorised this?’

SG1 raised collective eyebrows.

‘Well yes, we do need more money, but…’

Mumble, mumble.

‘Alternate actors??’

‘We get actors? Cool…’ whispered Sam.

‘Live action footage, based on CCTV film?’

‘Makes sense…’ whispered Daniel

‘I DO NOT look like Richard Dean Anderson! I resent the very idea! Have you seen his hair? Why do you want him involved anyway?’

Sam and Daniel burst out laughing at the image of Jack running around fixing nuclear bombs with chewing gum. Teal’c raised an eyebrow, and continued to watch “Stargate SG1” with interest.

‘LOVE INTEREST? ME? CAPTAIN CARTER? SAME SENTENCE?

Sam spat out her pizza. Daniel almost followed suit.

Jack listened to General Hammond speaking for a little while longer.

‘Sir, it just wouldn’t happen! I don’t care what the producers think!’ (AN: Sorry, S/J shippers…)

Sam sighed with relief.

‘Sir, isn’t there a little matter of security… it may well have worked for the X-files, but… Sir! Have you SEEN your scenes yet?… of course. You play yourself… Two season commitment? We’re only worth that?… What do you mean, look at the fan fiction? What the hells that? … Okay then. Yes sir. I’ll explain it to them, but you’re explaining to SG3! Ahem. Sir.’

Jack slammed the phone down, looking incensed.

‘Great. We’re national TV stars. Apparently, this shows gone down quite well. We’ve got a two season agreement.’

Teal’c raised an eyebrow. ‘O’Neill, would this not cause the world to see that the SGC does indeed exist?’

‘Actually, Teal’c, it’d be just the opposite,’ explained Sam. ‘No one believes what they see on TV.’

‘It’s the perfect cover,’ said Jack. He sighed, and sat down with his pizza. ‘What the hell. What bit are we up to?’

‘We’ve actually just gone to the Land of Light. These are the actors,’ explained Daniel. He leaned forward. ‘You know Jack, you really DO look like Richard Dean-‘

Jacks angry glare cut him off.

SG1 sat and watched the TV for a while. ‘Did I really say that?’ wondered Sam, as on screen Sam commented on the décor. Jack grinned.

‘Yup… according to Hammond, they’ve got everything we said and did in the form of scripts. It’s pretty accurate; unless there’s something they deliberately wanted changing. They used the reports instead of CCTV for off-world stuff. But words are pretty much the same.’

SG1 watched on for a while, wondering how each of them would be portrayed. They watched on through the special effects of the ‘Gate. They silently examined the way the base had been represented by Showtime. It was only when on-screen Sam was shown to be infected that Sam and Jack shot up violently.

‘That DID NOT happen,’ said Sam hotly. Jack grinned.

‘You’re right. If I remember correctly- which I do- didn’t you actually start ripping off all my clothing, screaming “Take me now?”‘

Sam flushed. ‘I was under the influence of the virus,’ she said defensively. ‘No offence sir, but you’re not my type.’

‘No offence taken, Captain. At least they didn’t show THAT on-screen- good thing its rated PG, huh?’

Sam silently fumed in her chair. She sat up when on-screen Jack knocked on-screen Daniels lights out.

‘And of course, that was the virus too, wasn’t it sir?’ she said sweetly.

‘I hope it was,’ muttered Daniel. ‘That hurt…’

‘Yes, it was,’ said Jack defensively. ‘If I had been normal, Daniel would have been unconscious for longer.’

Daniel shivered.

Teal’c suddenly sat up in horror. ‘O’Neill!’ he said, sounding horrified. ‘Did General Hammond explain why my character seems to have extensive eye make-up?’

Sam giggled. Jack took a bite of pizza. ‘Nope. You can bring it up at the next de-briefing.’

Teal’c looked outraged, and began muttering some words that although were not English everyone got the meaning of. Jack smiled slightly.

The team carried on watching the episode, grinning occasionally, the odd outburst of ‘Did I really say that!’ coming from various members, with the exception of Teal’c, who said, in his own way ‘I do not believe that I said that quote.’

The episode ended, and the credits came on. Jack stretched his long legs out. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘That was an education,’ as he looked around at his slightly bemused team-mates.

He took another slice of pizza. ‘Sam, can I borrow your Internet a moment?’

‘Sure sir. Um… why?’

‘General Hammond mentioned something called fan fiction. I want to find out what it is…’

THE END


Any ideas? Comments? Then send them to me, Hathor! (P.S If you’re going to the SG-4 convention in London, I’ll see you there!)

Back to Humour
Back to the Fanfiction Library
Back to Hathors Empire

Email: hathor_sgc@hotmail.com