SPOILERS: Children of the Gods, Serpents Song, Jolinars memories, Legacy, Stargate the movie, Forever in a Day, In the Line of Duty,
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Deals with life/death type stuff- people get killed, etc, but nothing graphic. But it's very moral, and questions some of the things we do as humans. If you have a problem with this kinda stuff, you might want to skip this one.
SUMMARY: That choice, the final choice, between light and dark. The decision cannot be unmade… did Jack make the right choice?
STATUS: Incomplete
DISCLAIMER: Don't own Stargate (sigh), and I never will. It, and most of its characters, belong to the good, rich people across the pond, and they aren't going to sue, as I have no money. Darn my low pay! Also, I didn't make any money, but if someone wants to send me large wads of cash, I am not complaining….
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, I've have finally decided to pick up my keyboard again. I'm struggling with about ten long fics, which I don't think I'll ever finish. So I thought that what the heck, I'll start writing some short fics again. So here's the first one. Da da! Anything in italics is a flashback type thingy. Just so you know. Do I really have to tell you that I want feedback? It keeps me going through exams you know…
You hear about it everyday. You read about it as a child. You read it to your child.
That choice, that final choice between light and dark, good and evil. A choice that’s been standing since the beginning of time. What is right? What is wrong, anyway? People try to set down rules. Commandments. I’ve never been a religious person, but even I’ve heard of Moses and the inscriptions, blah-di-blah. Buddhism, with its ways to perfect karma.
It’s never been something that concerned me. I was in black ops. You walk the line, that thin line between good and bad. You never wonder which side you’re on. You always consider that you’re on the good guys side. That’s what made it right to kill those people. They were on the dark side.
If you began to question it, it would drive you insane.
I’ve seen it happen. You never question it.
But now… but now I have begun to question it. And I wait for the insanity to come upon me.
I look around at the battlefield. Not much of a battle, really. We surprised some Jaffa on coming out of the Stargate. There were 8 of them, and four of us. Some might say that they had the advantage. But these Jaffa were young. They had been talking as we came in, but at the arrival of us, they jumped into full attack mode. I sometimes wonder how they all know us. Maybe there’s a pamphlet or something- “Young? Got a worm in your gut? Working for insane parasitical overlord? Read this pamphlet to find out which puny earthlings to destroy!” And I’d be surprised if my name isn’t somewhere at the top. “Jack O’Neill, destroyer of Goa’uld- don’t let him anywhere near your god!”
But they were young. They were inexperienced. It wasn’t a fair fight. Within minuets, the eight young Jaffa were dead. And it was then I began to wonder.
Was all this right? Should it have happened, should lives have ended so needlessly? I think back to when we first met Teal’c.
#‘I can save these people!’ I yelled, seeing the look in the Jaffa’s eyes when Apophis gave him his orders. But it wasn’t real compassion. I would have shot him down if I had half a chance. I needed to get that staff weapon…
The Jaffa turned slowly to me. ‘Many have said that’ he said sorrowfully, in a deep bass voice. He suddenly whipped around and fired on his fellow Jaffa. ‘But you are the first I have believed!’ he said, and threw me a staff weapon. At that point, I knew he was to be trusted, and I began to fight my way through the ranks of Jaffa, saving the people- and saving a certain First Prime of Apophis…
I would have killed Teal’c. If I had my M6, he would be lying dead, forgotten on Chulak. Remembered only by Drey’ac and Ry’ac. Maybe Bra’tac would mourn, but he has lost many warriors. Another would not over-worry him.
But the point is, I would have killed one of the people who were my best friends. I would have killed him. And it’s not the first time I’ve done something like this.
Daniel, in Abydos. I was ready to kill the Abydonians. Skaara. Sha’uri. And Daniel. If Daniel wanted to stay, then he would have to go. It was as simple as that. And I didn’t question it.
I was on the good guys side, yeah?
So what made me see sense? I’ll never be able to answer that. Sometimes I think it’s my moral side. Yeah, I do have some morals. If someone does me a favour, I will always pay that person back somehow. If you want to really annoy me, do me a something I can’t return. If it’s a bad thing, I will get revenge. If it’s a good thing, I will always give them something back. As I said, my twisted morals.
I look down at their bodies. These eight people, who attacked me on force of training they were given since they were a young age. Doing it under the misguided belief that they were helping their god.
Did the have families? Children? Mothers and fathers?
Why was I thinking these things now? I hadn’t thought like this since the first time I killed somebody- an experience I never want to remember. And by the end of that, I became cold hearted. Immune to it. I didn’t care anymore- I locked my feelings away, never to be found again.
And they haven’t. Until now.
I look down at the Jaffa’s bodies. It’s not a pretty sight. I’ve seen worse- normally on myself- but there’s something about these corpses.
I can’t help it. The bile starts up my throat, and I have to dash into the trees near the Stargate. I retch, feeling dizzy all the time. I can hear Daniel calling for me, wondering what the hell is going on. Carter, and her yell of ‘Sir? What’s wrong?’
It passes over me. I’m still throwing up, enjoying the mindless feeling that it gives me. All the guilt has gone. But after years of an MRE diet, my stomach is iron hard. I clean myself up with the thoughtfully provided tissues, and walk out of the trees. Daniel is looking frantic.
‘Jack? What’s wrong?’ he asks, young face filling with concern. I try to look normal. ‘Daniel, I’m fine. A touch of travel sickness or something. How am I supposed to know, I’m not a doctor, am I?’
Daniel looks hurt at my sharp tone. I sigh. ‘Daniel, I’m fine. I’ve never been better. Listen, we’ve seen all we need to. More Jaffa will be here soon. I say we move quickly, yeah?’
My team all nod mutely, and Daniel goes to power up the Stargate. I keep on thinking about right and wrong, the question that mankind has asked since we worked out that hitting each other over the head with rocks is wrong. Do my team ever ask the question?
Daniel? No. He thinks that killing is wrong, but he does it because the Goa’uld have hurt him. Took his wife. Killed her. That’s something he feels he has to find revenge for. So he will never question the choice. Besides, he thinks we’re on the sides of the ‘good’ guys.
Carter? Another no. She’s an air force ma… woman through and through. She’s got her orders; she’ll stick to them. And the Goa’uld haven’t been too kind to her either. Jolinar, for example. The pain they put Jolinar through, she’ll never forgive them for that. And whatever Sokar did to her father, she’s not going to forget that in a hurry. And I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again- she thinks we’re the good guys too.
Teal’c? That’s just a no. I don’t know why, but if he swears he’ll do something, he will do it. And after Apophis and Cronos and Hathor and Sokar, and… well, he will never doubt that anyone against the Goa’uld is a good person.
And as for me… I’m not so sure now.
I was a good kid, I know that much. Played hockey. Oh yeah, I used to kick the crap out of ‘dweebs’ but only if they got in my way. (Lucky Daniel never went to my high school.) I wasn’t like the football players who would leer at anything in a skirt and attempt to kill the nerds. They were the bad kids.
But did they think themselves as the good guys? Did they, in their hearts think as themselves as the good guys?
So those Jaffa, lying in a heap at the side of the gate, forgotten by their so-called ‘god’. When someone at the SGC dies, there’s a burial ceremony, yes. And that’s the end of it. Their country forgets those people. Never remembered for their heroic acts. So are we really that much superior? Do we deserve to call ourselves ‘the good guys?’
I said that to Apophis, once.
#‘Yeah,’ I said, my voice laced with sarcasm. ‘That’s why they call us the good guys’
I walked out, Apophis’s eyes following me…#
Whoa, major head trip there. The Stargate powers up in an impressive wave of plasma thingamajig, and Carter steps through, Daniel and Teal’c close behind. I take on last look ‘just in case’ and then I step through as well, back to my cold military surroundings. Did all these people make the right choices? These men, these women… did they make the right choice? Will I ever know?
Some Jaffa are sadistic bastards, that’s true. Sokar’s first Prime is particularly nasty. But most of our lot are all right aren’t they? Well… no. I say to you Maybourne. And Kinsey.
So are we the god guys? Did I make the right choice? Are both sides of this war as bad as each other? Should I just be playing hockey, like I always wanted to?
But I’ll never know. No one will ever know. None of us will. Most of us will never question it. We’ve seen the effect when the do. I’ve seen men go crazy. In Iraq, the sick guys who tortured me- one of them went crazy. He was thrown into my cell. He died. And he went crazy by questioning his choice.
Will I go crazy? No. I’m not going to go crazy. I’m going to ignore this. I have my orders, and I won’t question it. I swore myself to the president and my country.
Do the Jaffa swear themselves to their ‘gods’?
Did those guys in Iraq swear themselves to Saddam Hussein?
Oh, god, this is making my head spin.
‘Colonel?’
An insistent voice. It’s talking to me. Well, who else?
I snap myself out of my reverie. ‘Yes sir?’
My leader looks at me oddly. ‘Colonel, you were off playing with the fairies then. Are you okay?’
‘Yes sir.’
A military answer. It takes no thought. And that’s the best way to deal with this. No thought. No thought equals no feelings. No feelings equals no craziness. And being crazy is a road I never want to go down, not after the thing with Machallos little beggars.
Nope, head still spinning.
Did I make the choice correctly? But I can’t un-make the choice. No one can. And I can’t unmake my choice. So the choice may have been right, it may have been wrong. The point is, I can’t fix it. Short of death. And I don’t want to go back to that grey land of suicide. Never. So what can I do?
Yes, heads still spinning.
So, I could think if something else.
Like?
Hockey. Yes. Brilliant! And other sports stuff… pizza topping. Types of beer. Stars. Yes, I can go down this thread indefinitely.
‘Colonel?’
Cheese and tomato, cheese and pineapple…
‘Yes sir?’
Mushroom, pepperoni, anchovies…
‘Briefing at 1400 hours. Understood?’
Erm... garlic, double cheese…
‘Yes sir.’
Stuffed crust, ham…
TBC (ala Jack’s POV. Daniel’s POV is coming soon, for the next part of the story.)
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