Author: Maria
Disclaimer: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions i.e. The Powers that Be. The Weakest Link belongs to the BBC. I am just borrowing them for a while because its more fun than what I should be doing! I’m not being paid for this :( and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author’s Notes: This is based on the TV quiz “The Weakest Link” so if you live outside the UK it may be a little hard to follow but basically the presenter Anne Robinson (who is supposed to be really mean) asks questions to a team of 9 players. At the end of each round the every member of the team decides who did the worst in that round and they vote them out as the Weakest Link. I’ve modified it a little because I didn’t want to bore you with endless trivia so I missed out most of the questions...except for a couple of cute moments! Also it is my very first attempt at humour. Be nice!
One last thing, Sarah Butler has done a Weakest Link xover too (yes they were independent of each other). But hers is much better. Read it at www.sg1-heliopolis.de/archive/humor/weakestlink.html
Spoilers: Vague references nothing major. But set before Divide and Conquer i.e. neither Martouff or Rothman is dead yet.
Rating: PG
Category: Humour, attempt at!
Summary: Members of the SGC (and a couple of others) take part in “The Weakest Link.”
Anne: Welcome to a *Special* version of “The Weakest Link.” Today’s team *do* know each other!! So let’s meet them!
Daniel: I’m Dr. Daniel Jackson. I’m an anthropologist, archeologist and Linguist.
Sam: I’m Major Samantha Carter I work for the Air Force.
Teal’c: I am Captain Murray Hutch.
General Hammond: I’m Major General George Hammond.
Janet: I’m Dr. Janet Frasier. I also work for the military.
Martuoff: I am Martuoff but Colonel O’Neill says you should refer to me as Marty to not arouse suspicion.
Apophis: I am Apophis and I have been studying Tau’ri culture so I will defeat you all!!
Rothman: I’m Robert Rothman, I help Daniel out....sometimes. I think I’m only here because they needed nine and Siler went into hiding after they asked him!
Anne: Speaking of nine........
Jack *runs in late and slightly out of breath*: Sorry I’m late. I’m REALLY not getting all my memo’s!! I’m Jack O’Neill. I’m a Colonel In the American Air Force.
Anne: Okay Round 1, You have 3 minutes. Jack, Joe Schuster and Jerry Siegel are the creators of which superhero?
Jack: Me otherwise known as Superman!
Anne: Correct. Murray In 1990, the Number 1 film actor at the box office was the star of “Jingle all the way”. Who was it?
Teal’c: I do not know the correct response for your inquiry.
Anne: Uh huh!
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Anne: correct. Janet...
Janet: Umm Bank!
Anne: Who led the Israelites out of Egypt, with his younger brother Moses?
Janet: Aron. (Marty Bank!)
Marty: huh? Dr. Frasier I do not understand what it is you wish me to do!
Anne: Janet, Do not tell other contestants what do to!
Janet: Sorry......occupational hazard!
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Anne: What an atrocious performance. In that round only Apophis got all three of his questions right making him the strongest link but you ALL unanimously voted him the weakest link. And between you, you only banked an pitiable £50. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a bad first round! Daniel, Murray, Marty, Jack Why Apophis?
Daniel: He stole my wife!
Murray: He’s enslaved my people.
Marty: He wants to destroy my entire race.
Jack: He’s just a royal pain in the ass!
*In the Interview Room*
Apophis: All the people of the Tau’ri will suffer greatly for my humiliation. I will destroy your major cities, poison your water, take the healthy as hosts, make everyone...... *Apophis gets cut off*
Anne: yeah yeah we don’t have all day you know! Apophis You are the Weakest Link, goodbye. Okay round two. George: In the animated series, what is the name of the youngest child of the Simpson’s?
George: That’s not fair....Cartoons are Colonel O’Neill’s speciality!
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Anne: Another awful round after voting off last rounds strongest link you only managed to bank a measly £20 and Marty you really don’t know what the bank is do you? Have you ever watched this game?
Marty: Indeed I have not!
Anne: Riiiight! Well luckily for you almost everyone decided to vote off George. Rob was the only person who didn’t, why?
Rothman: Well I did realise that he got more questions wrong than anyone else but....well my job is on shaky ground as it is.
Jack: Coward
Rothman *gives him a look* and the General is such a wise, kind, compassionate man.
Jack: Suck up.
*Rothman throws his voting board at Jack but misses by a few hundred yards!! Jack giggles. so Daniel attempts it, misses almost as badly. Jack giggles again and Janet shoots him a look that says ‘You’re yearly physical is up soon’ Jack goes deadly silent!*
Anne: George with 7 votes you are the Weakest Link, Goodbye.
*In the Interview room*
General Hammond: No that’s okay I never really wanted to come here in the first place. I’m not a very public person! But I never could say no to SG1. They were all under strict orders to vote me off though, so I wouldn’t have to put up with this much longer! Oh and Rothman you’re fired!
Anne: Okay round 3. I really do hope, for the sake of our ratings, that you pathetic bunch of losers start improving!
Murray, from all of his six wives, how many sons did Henry VII have?
Teal’c: Six wives! He must have had many strong warriors.
Anne: No he had 1 SON. Robert, What girls name means happiness or blessing and is the name of a character in ‘A Good Life’ and ‘Neighbours’?
Rothman: Can I ask Daniel??
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Okay this round a slightly better performance. You banked £170. Daniel was the strongest link getting all his questions right. *a rather modest smile from Daniel! which resulted in Jack throwing his voting board at him and knocking off Danny’s glasses!*
So let’s see who you voted off.
Jack: Rothman....who invited HIM here anyway!
Daniel: Robert...sorry Rob, but this doesn’t seem to be you’re strong point!
Jack: He doesn’t have any strong points!
*Robert looks devasted*
Daniel: Jack!!
Jack: Daniel!! Careful or I’ll vote you next.
Daniel: Oh just try it!
Jack: Okay I......
Anne: Gentleman please, this is only a 45 minute show!
Sam: Rothman, he’s awful and doesn’t have the same excuse as Murray or Marty.
Teal’c: I believe that in all honest I was the worst contestant. However I have been told I can not vote for myself so I will chose RobertRothman.
Anne: Thankyou!!! Finally...Just a name that’s all we need!
Janet: Jack....his sarcasm is wasting us precious time and I want to win!!
Martuoff: I will say Teal...Murray.
Anne: You’re card says Dr. Rothman.
Marty: Yeeess. But I am feeling pity for him.
Rothman: *Almost in tears by this point*
I had put Martouff...but I think I’m changing my mind to Jack.
Anne: And you people work together, how on earth do you manage with all this petty bickering! Rothman You are the Weakest Link, goodbye.
Jack: Good riddance
Daniel: JACK!
Anne: Ahhh...stop right there!
*Daniel flashes a triumphant smile at Jack*
*In the Interview Room*
*Robert has his head in his hands and just mutters “I’m not good with people....or gameshows!”*
Anne: Round 4. Murray, What was the Beetle’s first song together?
Teal’c: I did not know that Tau’ri arthropods had musical capabilities.
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Wow! You actually managed to bank £200, thanks to Sam. No thanks to either Jack or Marty, who were both equally as bad! Murray improved his performance in this round by getting ONE WHOLE QUESTION right! But you’ve never heard of The Beetles?? Which planet are you from?
Teal’c: I was born and raised on this planet. I grew up on a farm in Iowa. My family looked after farm animals and we used to eat corn on the cob and apple pie. My parents are called John and Jane. We are an all American family. *Teal’c recited the tirade Jack had thought him, just in case*
Anne: Umm...great. How about we see how the team voted.
Jack: Marty
Daniel: Jack
Sam: Murray
Teal’c: Martouff
Janet: Sam, she’s too good and I still want to win!!
Martouff: Jack.
Well Jack and Marty both have two votes each. As the strongest link, Sam you get to decide who you’d rather get rid of.
Sam: Ummm
Jack: Major, vote for Marty. That’s a direct order.
Martouff: Samantha I believe that whatever you decide will be the correct course of action. *‘awwwww’s from audience*
Jack: Ohhhh tell me can you can see right through that little act!
Sam: Okay I’m gonna vote off.....Jack.
Anne: Admittedly, in this round they were both equally bad but Jack’s overall performance has been a lot better than Marty’s. So why did you vote off Jack.
Sam: well I made a statistical calculation, taking into account the standard deviation and root mean square......oh okay I just like Martouff more!
Anne: Sam’s decided she wants you off. Jack, you are the weakest link, goodbye.
*In Interview Room*
Jack: Carter was just afraid I could beat her. It was a tactical choice. She’s a coward! So much for ‘logged over a hundred hours in enemy airspace’. As for Daniel...... *Jack gets cut off too*
Anne: Jeez, do you all talk this much!??!
*Three rounds later. Martouff, Teal’c and Janet have all been voted off, in that order. The total prize money is £4050. Because of the last round, in which Sam and Daniel got all of the questions right getting an unprecedented £1000 which, as it normally is in that round, was tripled.*
Anne: Well you’re doing a lot better than I ever thought you would! There’s only two of you left and we’re going to play the final round to see who gets to take the money. I’m going to ask both of you five questions. The person who gets the most right will win.
*After four questions, Daniel and Sam have both correctly answered all their questions so they’re both still equal*
Anne: Sam, which actor had the starring role in MaGuver?
Sam: Ohh I know this, it’s that really old guy with the badly thought out hair style. What was his name?? *pauses to think* No sorry, can’t remember.
Anne: Daniel, if you get this question right you will have won. With what slogan was the film ‘Independence day’ marketed?
Daniel: Umm I’m tempted to say “we’ll just upload a computer virus into the mother ship” but I think the correct answer is ‘Earth - Take a good look, it may be your last.’
Anne: That’s correct!! You’re going home with £4050.
*In Interview Room*
Sam: I think that Daniel and I were pretty evenly matched. I’m glad he won though. Absolutely no hard feelings.
Anne: Really so why do you have your various weapons out??
Sam: Ummmm.........
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Daniel: I’m really glad I won. But I couldn’t keep the money. So I’ve decided to donate it to charity.
Anne: That’s cute, which charity.
Daniel: Uhhh ‘The fund for geeky archaeologists who have their research grants withdrawn due to bizarre theories!’
THE END
That was supposed to make you laugh, I hope it did. But if not, please let me know why and I can improve it.