MST3K Quotes!
This is my page that
features the funniest quotes ever made on the show. So if you have a favorite
quote e-mail
me with the quote and include the name of the episode it's
from. I will put the quotes in order according to episode number.
Quotes
from: K04- Gamera Vs. Baurgon
[While
Baurgon is walking into a bridge]
Crow:
This monster does not know the concept of "around".
---------------
[After
seeing a shot of Baurgon]
Tom:
He's a pretty good candidate for monster food.
---------------
[While
Gamera and Baurgon are fighting]
Joel:
I just don't want to be around when they mark their territory.
Quotes
from: K05- Gamera
[When
the eskimos' find out there could be a war]
Joel:
There's
nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.
---------------
[When
the annoying kid repeatedly keeps calling for "Tibby"]
Joel:
If
he says that one more time... I'm gonna pelt him.
Kid:
Tibby!
---------------
[After
the annoying kid, "Kenny", looses his box of rocks and gets angry]
Joel
Don't
worry Kenny, tomorrow we'll get you a whole boxfull of gravel.
Quotes
from: 320- The Unearthly
[While
opening theme is playing]
Crow:
Music by the Edgar Allen Poe Marching Band!
---------------
Lobo: Time for go
to bed.
Joel:
Well said.
Quotes
from: 424- MANOS: Hands of Fate
[While
seeing a shot of the demented caretaker, Torgo]
Joel:
He looks like a chainsaw sculpture.
---------------
[While
observing Torgo's horrible knee disfigurement]
Crow:
He's been hittin' the Thighmaster too much.
Quotes
from: 507- I Accuse My Parents
[As
Jimmy writes a farewell note to his mother]
Crow(As
Jimmy): I'll just put this over
here next to mom's suicide note.
Quotes
from: 517 - The Beginning of the End
[While
seeing the opening title]
Mike:
The beginning of the end already? It just started!
---------------
[While
looking through a car wreck, someone finds a sweater]
Man:
It looks like a girl's sweater.
Crow:
The car was attacked by a sweater!
---------------
Lady:
I'm onto something I think will be real big!
Tom(As
lady):
Me!
---------------
[While
inspecting a warehouse that has been destroyed from a giant grasshopper]
Mike:
Well, it's a fixer-uper... that's for sure.
---------------
[After
two people leave a helpless man with a giant grasshopper]
Mike:
We'll send help, ba-bye!
---------------
[When
an officer doesn't believe a man talking about giant locusts]
Mike(As
man):
Okay, okay, forget locusts! Giant panda bears that fly!
---------------
[While
discussing who's gonna stop the giant grasshoppers]
Man: We feel secure the Illinois National Guards will handle the situation.
Crow(As
man):
Just like they handled the Chicago convention.
Quotes
from: 606- The Creeping Terror
[While
two people walk away from a cop being attacked by a monster]
Mike:
Well, he probably knows what he's doing.
---------------
[The
movie shows a woman hanging out clothes on a clothes line]
Mike:
Aren't you supposed to wash 'em first?
---------------
Narrator: Bradfurd
dismissed Martin's theories by pointing out that the creature was not exhibiting
any signs of violence.
Crow:
Aside from eating people.
---------------
[We
come across a broken guitar]
Mike:
Today the music world mourned... the guy who owned this guitar.
---------------
[The
monster barges onto a dance floor]
Crow:
Uh, Mr. Monster, we need to stamp your hand!
---------------
Mike:
Only after the monster died do people think of running!
Quotes
from: 619- Red Zone Cuba
Man:
Guard,
some water. This man's got a fever.
Tom:
Boogie Fever.
---------------
[While
prisoners are beating up a store owner]
Tom(As
store owner): I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave if this continues.
---------------
[Halfway
through the movie]
Mike:
So the Cuban stuff was just a digression. Now the movie's really gonna
begin.
---------------
[When
the prisoners come across a train]
Crow:
They're gonna let the air out of the tires! Hahaha!
---------------
[Suddenly
the movie switches to a shot of an auto part store]
Tom:
Well, see! The movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just
don't know."
Crow:
I wanna hurt this movie, but I'll never be able hurt it the way it hurt
me.
---------------
[Suddenly
cops appear out of nowhere]
Crow:
The "wherever this is" PD!
Quotes
from: MST3K: The Movie
[When
Crow re-reads his calculations after he breeches the hull.]
Crow:
Whoa,
look at that! Breech hull-- all die. Even had it underlined!
---------------
[After
seeing the "Universal" logo]
Crow:
Ah, it's the nicest weather earth has ever had!
---------------
[Looking
at the White House]
Mike:
Washingtonland! The new Disney Theme Park.
---------------
[While
Joe drives in his "army jeep"]
Crow:
New G.I. Joe action set! Nerdy Joe not included.
---------------
Tom:
Sure I'll ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest,
but I'm not an alien!
---------------
Mike:
I'm fully instrument rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator!
---------------
[When
one of those big-headed foreheaded guys turns a colorful dial]
Tom:
Now you're playing Simon!
Quotes
from: 903- Pumaman
Crow:
Pumaman! He flies like a moron!
---------------
Tom:
He
is the Pumaman! He can get out of a car going three miles an hour!
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