SPOILERS: Through season seven's Sein Und Zeit and Closure.

SUMMARY: Coming to terms, forgiving, letting go.

DATE POSTED: 05/09/00

FEEDBACK: Encouraged and welcomed at darknesslight@aol.com

DISCLAIMER: "The X-Files" is copyright Twentieth Century Fox Television and Ten Thirteen Productions. The show, its premise and characters were created by Chris Carter and are used here without permission. No copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be realized. (I've also borrowed the name of a character from Carter's "Millennium" as a pseudonym. Same disclaimer applies.)

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COMPLETION

by Lara Means

I'm writing this because Scully says it'll help. Frankly, I have my doubts.

Nothing's helped so far. I'm seeing a shrink again, he's trying to get me on anti-depressants and something to help me sleep. But I don't want that.

He thinks I'm being stubborn. I just don't want the damn things around. Too much of a temptation.

But you know all about that, don't you, Mom?

Yeah, I suppose I'm still angry. I think I have a right to be.

You never told me you were sick. You destroyed all your photos of me, of Samantha. You took a handful of pills and locked yourself in the kitchen and turned on the gas.

You didn't say goodbye.

The last time we talked, Mom, you had something to tell me. Why didn't you just tell me? The message you left on my answering machine, what did you want to say to me?

Samantha's dead, Mom.

She's been dead for a long time.

She was taken, and tested, and experimented on, and abused, and... and tortured.

But maybe you know that now. Maybe you always knew it, and kept it a secret all these years.

Dad didn't know. Or if he did, he lied to me. Even after he was murdered.

Your buddy, C.G.B. Spender. He probably knew. After all, he took her. Kept her for six years. He lied to me, too. Let me believe she was still alive. Let me hope.

Is Samantha with you, Mom?

I miss her. I think I miss her more than I miss you.

You were here. For twenty-six years, you were here. You were here, and you chose to keep your secrets. To keep yourself closed off. To shut down.

Shit. I promised Scully I'd be honest.

So here it is, Mom.

Your daughter was taken from you. You gave your son away.

Samantha was abducted. I was abandoned.

No, this isn't self-pity. It's the truth. The only truth I have. Because what I believed for twenty-six years was a lie.

For twenty-six years, I believed she was alive. Out there, somewhere. Waiting for me to find her, to bring her home.

Now, I want to believe that she was saved, that she was transformed before she suffered too much. I want to believe that with all my heart.

I know she came to me in the woods that night. To tell me she's at peace.

Are you at peace, Mom?

I hope you are. I hope you've come to terms with your secrets, and your lies, and all the things that were left unsaid.

I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm trying to forgive you. I'm honestly not sure that I can.

Because I can't reconcile the anger with the love.

I loved you, Mom. I *do* love you.

And I'm angry with you. That you could do this to me. That you could abandon me again. That you could leave me all alone.

My shrink tells me I have to get over my abandonment issues. He didn't say exactly how I should go about that. More therapy, probably.

Scully tells me... Scully says I should forgive you and let it go.

Scully usually knows what's best for me. Not that I'd ever tell *her* that...

So I'm going to try. I'm going to try to forgive you. To let it go. It may take a while.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you.

Your son, Fox

May 14th, 2000

END