Teaser: (No cliff-hanger this time, but there are spoken words!! Wow! Maybe I'm getting better at this 'script-writing' malarky. What, sorry - people do this for a living!? Wow! Sorry about that; just a little interlude! It helps if you've seen, or are an avid fan of, [preferably the latter!] Tim 'Weird Genius' Burton's animated masterpiece "Nightmare Before Christmas", as this is where the characters come from! If you haven't seen it, you'll soon get the hang of the characters! You'll probably notice that this is much shorter than the previous four scripts, but I'm afraid I've got no answer for that mystery! [Perhaps I just had a mental block, or something. I had a mental block in "New York" . . . which is the longest script! Whoops - bad example!])

SHAPE: This is a violation of my rights! Let me go! Do you hear? Help! Somebody! Anybody! Elves? I'm warning you, I'm a very IMPORTANT person! I've got a job to do, you know! You really had better RELEASE ME this INSTANT!!! This is the last time I tell you. (as the voice fades, the sleigh drives off into the night...)

Scene One: (Mulder and Scully are in their Tim Burtonised office [and God only knws what THAT might end up like!]. Scully is sitting at the desk, with an annoyed air [so what else is new - "Bad Blood" moment!!!], while Mulder leans against the wall, holding a new file, and waiting to read a case from it.)

SCULLY: So, Mulder, tell me why I'm in work today. It's meant to be our day off, remember? For the preparations, as, I think, we organised last month? Remember, we had to tell Skinner we were preparing a surprise Christmas party for my mother. . .

MULDER: I know, and I'm sorry. It's not my fault, though.

SCULLY: I think I'm experiencing deja-vu! ([OHMIGOD - it's "Monday" but with a role reversal! Aaaargh! I'm psychic once again! Or maybe not. Carry on...] Mulder gives her a look that says: "But-you-don't-believe-in-that-sort-of-stuff-do-you?". She gives him a very strange look back, as if to say: "Haven't-you-heard-of-role-reversal?". I'm beginning to think they're telepathic or something, you know! So, GA, think you're such a good actress - wrap your head around the facial expressions I've come up with for you! Hahahahahahahaha!!!) Whose fault is it, then?

MULDER: Somebody who doesn't think we should prepare anything except another case. This came under my door this morning.

SCULLY: Typically. What happened now?

MULDER: A Mister S.Claus has vanished.

SCULLY: Honestly, you'd think somebody would have the decency not to go AWOL at Christmas. (Pause.) He is AWOL, isn't he?

MULDER: Possibly. I think that's why we got this. To find out where he is and why he's gone. And whodunnit.

SCULLY: Does he have a butler? (Mulder laughs half-heartedly.) Give me that file a minute; the name sounds familiar. (He does so.) S.Claus? (slower:) S.Claus...S... (realising:) for Santa?

MULDER: Yes, and he needs to be found before Christmas Eve; the happiness of small children everywhere depends on us. (she obviously isn't in a very argumentative mood, or maybe she's finally accepted that SOMETHING may be Out There, although it may not actually be the truth. That'll never get out!)

SCULLY: That's a Hell of a responsibility. Where do they expect us to start?

MULDER: Ah, that's where my assistant may come in handy. (Very Paul Daniels, I MUST say, but, anyway, he opens his briefcase. Out jumps, not Debbie 'Bimbo' McGee, but an elf, in a cloud of glitter. Scully backs against the chair, terrified. The elf hovers a few inches above the desk.)

SCULLY: What...the Hell...is that? (This is a small variation on a line by Murphy in "Ice", way WAY back in Season 1! Wowzer!)

MULDER: (he goes behind her and pushes the chair closer to the desk, then moves to the other side of the desk.) That, believe it or not, is one of Santa's elves. Her name's Lefin. (an anagram of 'elfin', which is exactly what the spell checker throws up as a suggestion to the 'not-in-dictionary' word! Scully has never seen anything like it. She goes to touch Lefin, who is just as petrified as Scully previously was. Lefin backs away, standing on the desk, and almost falls of the edge, until Mulder places a file behind her to stop her. Then he moves Lefin to the middle of the desk, where she floats cautiously upwards about half a metre, hovering between both Mulder and Scully.) Scully, meet Lefin. She's a graduate elf who was last with Santa before he disappeared. She's going to help us with the case. Lefin, this is agent Scully.

LEFIN: Is she another Federal Bureau of Investigation agent?

MULDER: Yes. The two of us are going to find Santa.

SCULLY: (sotto - to Mulder) Mulder, where the Hell did it come from?

LEFIN: It, or rather she came from Christmastown. (to Mulder:) Who is this person again?

MULDER: My partner - FBI agent Dr. Dana Katherine Scully. (Phew! Bet he wishes they'd drop all those names for her - imagine the wedding ceremony - half an hour later they'll have finally said her name! And as for the business of what her surname would be afterwards - well, let's not dwell too long on that subject and concentrate on the one in hand at the moment!)

LEFIN: That is more like it; a proper introduction. Good morning Miss Scully. (she holds out a tiny hand. 'Tiny' as in about 1 cm in length, if even that.)

SCULLY: I prefer Ms., actually. (And we know why! [For those of you who don't - where were you? See the final scene of the last script, which, of course, you'll probably never forget, unless you have a very short term memory like 'Lizard-rabbit-pants-girl' Crystal 'Jonathan' Tse! Actually, knowing you, Jenn, you're probably still laughing, like, a month later, aren't you!?] Anyway, back to the plot: Scully reluctantly 'shakes' the outstretched hand as carefully as possible. Lefin ignores her last comment.)

SCULLY: Hello. You're going to help us out, then? (Lefin nods proudly.) So, Mulder, my question again: where do they expect us to start? (Scully doesn't like Lefin - there's a surprise! That ties in very nicely with the argument on the balcony in the last episode! . . . . I think)

MULDER: Well, Lefin can transport us by elf-magic direct to Christmastown. Free of charge. Come here. (Scully reluctantly gets up and stands on Mulder's left.) And you, Lefin. (Lefin flies towards them and stays there hovering.)

SCULLY: (sceptically.) Oh, it can fly, it can talk, and now it can do magic. Anything else?

LEFIN: (still floats) She is sceptical is she not?

MULDER: She is indeed. But she's harmless. (Lefin flies up to Mulder's right shoulder. Mulder puts his arm around Scully like in "Shadows", in the lift, but minus the glasses.) Most of the time! (Before Scully can wittily retaliate, Lefin throws a handful of...elf-dust, let's say, over all of them and they vanish. Ooh, I'm really making an effort with the descriptions aren't I? By the way, Lefin is a lot like the 'Q' character from ST! Annoying and troublesome, but very. VERY funny. Except that of course, no-one can be more 'Q-ish' than Q himself.)

Scene Two: (Mulder, Scully and Lefin reappear a couple of feet above snow covered ground. A few cartoon-ish seconds pass as they stay there without realising, until Scully looks down - oh, the joys of animation!)

SCULLY: Not again. (she gives a little shriek, like in "Small Potatoes", but not really [!], as they fall into a convenient pile of snow. Well, if she isn't going to be caught by her fiancé [bet that shocked you!], she's got to land on/in something! Lefin stays in mid-air, unaware of the confused and crumpled heap of FBI on the ground, until Mulder 'ahem's to get her attention. Lefin looks down. [I thought that my 'crumpled heap' metaphor was very funny, didn't you!])

LEFIN: Sorry. I had forgotten that you cannot fly. Do you want me to tell you where Santa Claus lives?

MULDER: Yes. (they get up)

SCULLY: So, Mulder, you think I'm harmless? (For a little bit of variation, and a LOT of fun, let's say this is almost...I can't bring myself to suggest it... flirtatious!!!! Maybe she could walk towards him or something, and he could get VERY scared! Just a thought! [If it helps, or not, see "Three Of A Kind", the Lone Gunmen one from Season 6, when Frohike finds her doped up...] )

MULDER: (Awkwardly:) Elves, especially graduates, are tricky things, Scully. You mustn't get on the wrong side of one. If you do, who knows what could happen! Things could materialise, things could vanish, anything!

SCULLY: (This is in reference to the comment on Scully's last line - if you agree, read the following stage directions, if not, just Carry On Regardless. She returns to her usual self. That's it. Nothing special. What were you expecting? Ew -you pervert! Sorry. Do read on...) Things materialising is hardly the oddest thing in the world for us, is it, Mulder? (jokingly:) We'll talk about this later. (she walks on ahead. When they finally reach Santa's house, nobody's in, so Scully attempts to question Lefin. 'Attempts' being the operative word!! To add yet more variety to this otherwise abnormal scene, I'll say that Lefin conjures a Santa hat on Scully's head, just because I think this would be VERY funny! She doesn't think so, and when she goes to grab it, the hat vanishes. Insanity aside, the interview begins anew. [Did it ever begin anold?] ) Right, Miss Lefin...

LEFIN: Technically, that's Miss. Lefin DeBay.

SCULLY: Miss DeBay, I think...

LEFIN: You are wondering why I have such a strange name. The reason is, my parents were of the French persuasion... (Elves don't know when they've pushed someone too hard. Lefin is no exception.)

SCULLY: Miss DeBay, if you don't co-operate, I have every right to arrest you. I'm sure you wouldn't want that. (Lefin sits obediently on a nearby fence post, level with Scully's shoulder. It's not that short a fence. . . really!!) According to the file we read, you were the last person to be seen with Santa before he was abducted.

MULDER: Kidnapped, Scully, as you always say... (Scully shoots him one of her 'looks' - the ones which require you to obey without question! He takes the hint.)

SCULLY: Am I correct?

LEFIN: You are.

SCULLY: Would you mind telling me what you were discussing?

LEFIN: Of course not.

SCULLY: And?. . .

LEFIN: I have just graduated from the elf Academy. At, in human years, seventeen years old, I am the youngest in my class to achieve such an honour. (Oh, HOW can you tell this character is my personal preference for when we film this. Did I say 'when', I meant 'if'!)

SCULLY: (bored:) What honour would that be?

LEFIN: To become Santa Claus' head assistant. Or, to put it into the jargon, Head Elf in Charge Of Present Organisation, or HECOPO for short; my job is as its name suggests. Santa Claus and myself were discussing this year's Christmas arrangements. This discussion ended at nine o' clock precisely, at which time I left. (My God, is this like 7of9, or WHAT! My other unintentional ST:VOY link, there! Sorry.)

SCULLY: And where did you go?

LEFIN: Home.

SCULLY: And where would that be?

LEFIN: It is against elf law to tell a stranger the location of our abodes.

SCULLY: Can you tell us anything else?

LEFIN: Find a Ring of Trees, then search for the King of Hallowe'enland, whom I believe is responsible. I have to go now. I have twice as many duties since Santa Claus vanished, and I am already running late.

SCULLY: What if we still need your help.

LEFIN: You won't. (now, just to annoy her, as elves, I have decided, are prone to do:) Believe me, Miss Scully. (As Scully lashes out to grab Lefin in an angry retaliation, Lefin snaps her fingers and vanishes. Scully turns to Mulder.)

SCULLY: If I see that...thing again, I swear I'll kill it.

MULDER: Please don't; it took me a long time to find somebody with connections with Christmas elves! And might I just say that the Santa hat really...

SCULLY: No, you may not. (She doesn't find the 'joke' very amusing, and folds her arms impatiently.) Well, what happens next?

MULDER: Let's go find a Ring. (he walks away. Scully takes the now infamous ring from her pocket, having sensibly decided not to wear it at work, and examines it, puzzled by his double-meaning, and wondering if there was one. If that made any sense at all, well done, you can finally speak my language.... Then she looks at Mulder, shrugs, re-pockets it, and follows him.)

Scene Three: (Mulder and Scully are seen entering Hallowe'enland through the graveyard entrance. They proceed over a curly hill, which obligingly uncurls. [This is not to be confused with Jack's Hill, as I've aptly named it, which only uncurls for him!] When they reach the gate, it won't rise. Nearby three distinct giggling voices are heard, and the scampering of trick-or-treatering type feet. Mulder and Scully look around, can't see anything, and decide to ignore it. The gate still won't open. Scully attempts to Squeeze [bad joke!] through the gate, but finds she can't. Sally may have been able to, but remember, boys and girls, Sally is a rag-doll, with limbs that are apt to fall off! Anywaaaay, they can't get in, and she looks at him with a "You-think-of-something-then!" expression. He shrugs:)

MULDER: I guess no-one's here.

SCULLY: Well, how're we going to get in? (She tries once more to Squeeze [sorry!] through the gate, but still can't!) You'd need to be a contortionist to get through there.

MULDER: Or a genetic mutant! ([sorry again!] Mulder and Scully look at each other, rather like in "Humbug" when they're "exhuming" the potato, and decide to use the most popular way of gaining entry - climbing the fence. Just as they reach the top, the Mayor drives past in his car. He stops as he sees them, gets out of the car, puts on his Unhappy Face, and speaks into his microphone:)

MAYOR: Hey, you there!

SCULLY: Great. In trouble with the Law already.

MAYOR: (he walks away from the car and puts down the microphone) If you need to get in, just wake the Gatekeeper. (This is the only possible way I could think of making them enter, but I think there is, in fact, a Gatekeeper in the film, so there you go! They climb down, and bang hard on the Wall until the Gatekeeper wakes up and lets them in, then instantly falls asleep again.. The gate rises, and they enter Hallowe'enland. The Mayor changes to his Happy Face.) Where are you headed?

SCULLY: We're federal agents...(they flash their ID) ...and we're looking for Jack Skellington.

MULDER: Do you know where we could find him?

MAYOR: Of course! Follow me! (the Mayor bustles through the city, as various inhabitants appear. They give their visitors, who stay as close together as possible [!] strange looks, which are gratefully returned. The Mayor shuffles on and shoves the citizens out of the way.) Coming through. Nothing to see. Go on home, now! (and many other comments of the same nature. They finally reach Jack's house. The Mayor opens the gate to let them in, then closes it and stays outside. The citizens look on in amazement! Scully looks up at the house in bemusement.)

SCULLY: Nice place.

MULDER: You ever seen "Edward Scissorhands"? (another Tim Burton creation, for those who aren't in the know.)

SCULLY: Yes. Great movie. Why?

MULDER: No reason. (they reach the door, and Scully rings the screamer.) Need a new doorbell, Scully?

SCULLY: No, and if you ever suggest that I do, I swear I'll never speak to you again. Ever. Besides, you have a key, so the doorbell shouldn't concern you. Apart from the fact that it's MY apartment, anyway!

MULDER: (He waves a hand in the nature of saying "Calm down!" I think you get what I mean.) You know what?

SCULLY: What?

MULDER: You're getting house-proud!

SCULLY: I am not! (she's getting impatient and rings the screamer again. The moral so far - don't mix female sceptics with female elves, although I don't know whether the gender actually matters! Mind you, would it have the same effect with male sceptics and male elves?)

MULDER: Yes you are!

SCULLY: No... (before she can reply, Sally opens the door. She is one month pregnant with her third child [out of five, apparently.] The agents show their ID.)

SALLY: FBI? But why?

MULDER: Is this the house of Jack Skellington?

SALLY: Yes. Please, come in. (she leads them in, shutting the door behind her. The corpse child [with his newly found dog, this time created by me, named Vince Mince, after Mr. Burton's hero, Vincent Price!], stares evilly through the gates, until his mother pulls him away by his doggy chain. You need to see the film to understand that one.)

SCULLY: (sotto) I am not! (They come to a steep, meandering staircase, but before they can ascend into the dark hole above it, a four-year-old rag-doll girl appears. She looks a lot like Sally, with the same dark red-brown hair (like mine should've been if it had worked, damnit!!!) and pale blue skin, and even the stitching in the same place [don't get worried - this is true! Genetically predisposed stitching, huh? Whatever next!], but displays slight skeletal traits, having a very slim build, and very deep set, sunken in eyes. Hey, a description! I'm getting good at this stage directions lark!! She grinds to a halt as she sees the visitors, and frowns, puzzled. Then she remembers her manners and attempts a very dodgy curtsey, grinning. Then she turns to Sally.)

SALLY: Grinna, what are you running from this time?

GRINNA: (In a sing-song toddlery voice:) Bratt's got the cleaver out again, Mommy!

BRATT: (offstage, VO) I haven't, I haven't, I haven't!

GRINNA: He has too. He tried to hit me with it! (she gives Mulder and Scully her best 'innocent' expression, which doesn't come across very well!)

BRATT: (still VO) I didn't, I didn't, I didn't!!!!!!!

SALLY: Grinella, tell Brattis to put that cleaver down. If he doesn't, make him report back to me. If that doesn't work, tell him that his father's coming to see that he's being good - (to the agents, sotto:) that always works! (Grinella nods, grinning, and skips back to the kitchen, where Brattis is indeed wielding a cleaver, albeit behind his back! [Is this getting very "Addams Family"-esque, or what!?] Now we see only shadows, as Grinna's shadow starts to point in the direction of the trio in the hall, waiting patiently to see the result. Bratt's shadow drops the cleaver with a crash. Scully looks at Mulder, then they both look at Sally, who stands, watching, as though it's the most normal thing in the world. But, of course, in Hallowe'enland, it is. When they look back, Grinna's shadow is roughly twice as tall as it was originally. Scully blinks twice, and it is back to normal. Sally turns to face them.) Kids! They're so cute at that age! You wanted to see Jack? (Mulder nods. Sally leads them up the twisted staircase. Scully looks in the direction of the kitchen, then at Mulder with a slightly worried expression.)

SCULLY: We didn't see that, right?

MULDER: Let's hope so. (they follow Sally up the stairs rather hurriedly.)

SALLY: Jack! (he straightens, banging his head on the ceiling. Zero, previously asleep, awakens and looks around drowsily, yawning. Sally winces, impatiently - she's told him thousands of times to look before he gets up, but does he ever listen...? Mulder and Scully attempt to dodge pieces of plaster from the ceiling. As Jack turns around, rubbing his head, Scully sees his skeleton face for the first time, and stares open-mouthed. Mulder elbows her lightly, and she closes her mouth.)

JACK: Why didn't you tell me we had visitors, Sally? (he pushes two chairs towards them.) Please, sit down. (they do. He sits astride his desk chair, which, as you'll know if you've seen the film, is a wee bit small. Mind you, so is everything in Jack's study, considering the size of the house!) Now, what's this about?

MULDER: (he looks at Scully, expectantly.) Scully?

SCULLY: Oh, no, be my guest. (she smirks at him, with a look which says: "This-is-your-case-you-handle-it--I'll-help-you-if-you-need-me-to!")

MULDER: (To Jack:) Mr. Skellington...

JACK: Please, call me Jack.

MULDER: Jack, do you know of a Mr. S. Claus of Christmastown?

JACK: Good old Sandy! He gave us snow. Remember, Sally? (Sally nods, smiling.)

SCULLY: According to our records you kidnapped "Good old Sandy" and took his place.

JACK: (looking guilty) Ah, yes. I...um...

MULDER: Santa...Sandy has disappeared again.

SALLY: And you suspect Jack?

JACK: It wasn't me! I swear it wasn't me!

SCULLY: We're not saying it was, sir. You're just our number one suspect, that's all.

JACK: (frowning, confused) Why?

SCULLY: Because you were responsible the last time. You took him.

JACK: Yes. But I put him back, didn't I? (Sally nods to back him up. I just thought I'd mention that I LOVE that line! One of my finer moments of script writing, I believe...)

MULDER: You may have put him back, but someone else has taken him again. Any ideas who?

SALLY: Yes! Jack, do you think it could be those kids?

JACK: Grinella? Brattis? But they're good kids. They'd never...

SALLY: Not our kids. I mean the trick-or-treaters.

JACK: (He smacks his head, in the action of realising something really obvious, and winces in pain. You know, I'm sure you do it too, but you'd probably say "Doh!"!) Of course! Lock, Shock and Barrel! They're the ones you're looking for! (Mulder and Scully look at each other, and then back at Jack, who has a look that says "Honest!", and if a look could talk it would be matter-of-factly said!)

Scene Four: (Scully and Mulder approaching the treehouse, which creaks ominously.)

SCULLY: (showing her immense knowledge of literature again:) Curiouser and curiouser. (they stop by the rickety bridge, pondering how to get in.)

Scene Five: (Still in their cage, Mulder and Scully try to work out an escape route. They are sitting down. [It's a big cage!])

SCULLY: Now I know how caged birds feel.

MULDER: Would you be thinking of any particular kind of bird? (This is so unbelievably pathetic I'm not even going to explain, but I'm sure you can work this one out for yourself!)

SCULLY: I am really not in the mood, Mulder. Now, are we going to figure out an escape plan, or not! (Mulder looks up at the cage roof, where there is a hole large enough for someone to fit through.)

MULDER: I've got an idea! (he gets up.)

SCULLY: Uh-oh! (she too gets up, aided by Mulder.)

MULDER: You see the hole?

SCULLY: Yeah.

MULDER: If we could get out that way...

SCULLY: And by 'we', you mean me. No way! I am not climbing through any hole. (she folds her arms stubbornly.)

MULDER: Well, OK, if you want to spend the rest of your life in a cage, with only me for company, then...

SCULLY: Okay, I admit it's the only option. But you're taller (well duh!), why don't you go first?

MULDER: You're lighter. (Scully sighs defeatedly.)

SCULLY: All right, you win. (Mulder lifts her up, like in "GITM". This was funny in Season one so just imagine how funny it would be now! She sits on the cage roof.) There's a rope and pulley system up here. I'm coming down.

MULDER: Not again. (he holds his arms as if to catch her again.)

SCULLY: A sensible way. (Mulder lowers his arms with relief, as she climbs down with the rope. They manage to lift the cage enough to get out, then go in search of the TOTs. They find them around a corner. Eventually, tied, bound, and handcuffed together, Lock, Shock and Barrel get interrogated:)

SCULLY: So...

LOCK:

SHOCK: We didn't do it!

BARREL:

MULDER: Didn't do what, exactly?

BARREL: Kidnap the Sandy Claws! (he realises his mistake, and claps a hand over his mouth.)

SCULLY: Where is he?

LOCK: You won't find him anywhere near Oogie's lair. Nuh-uh! Mr Oogie Boogie has nothing to do with this! Absolutely nothing at all!

SCULLY: Thank you. (they leave, leaving the TOTs struggling to get free, with Shock beating up her male cohorts in the process. There's a surprise! As soon as they get outside, Scully realises something, and stops Mulder from running off.) Hang on a minute.

MULDER: What?

SCULLY: Where are we going?

MULDER: To find a certain lair of a certain 'Oogie Boogie'.

SCULLY: And you just happen to know where that is, then? (Mulder, who is quite a way ahead of her, joins her again, and they set off in the direction of Jack's house, the same as earlier.)

Scene Six: (Jack and Sally are on Jack's Hill [see scene 3], while Mulder and Scully, in the distance [out of focus, I should imagine], walk to the top of another Curly Hill, helping each other up the steep incline. Well, they're trying to, anyway. This is a stubborn Hill, and will not uncurl to let them down, so they kick it and stand looking around for the direction to go next. Returning to Jack and Sally, who haven't noticed them, Jack is 'serenading' Sally with a Christmas carol [I can't think of an appropriate one, but any carol in Hallowe'enland is pretty impressive! I suppose something nice like "Silent Night" in a minor key might be appropriate, or either version of "The Bleak Mid-Winter", or "Coventry Carol", which is minor anyway. You get the idea.]. Jack stands, while Sally sits, until she notices Mulder and Scully on the far Hill, when she alerts Jack and gets up. Mulder and Scully, at the same time, similarly notice Jack and Sally, and walk down the Hill and across the graveyard/field towards them. Phew! Are you confused yet, because I certainly am! The four meet atop Jack's Hill, where Jack stands with his long bony arm around Sally's shoulders. In a complete contrast, although you'd expect our duo to be comfortable in an imaginary place, they are as far away from each other as possible. The atmosphere is definitely a little uneasy between them, probably from embarrassment more than anything. You know, I really think I'm improving at these description things, don't you. OK, so THAT joke's a little old now, but who cares, really? Right, now I'm babbling, so...)

JACK: Any luck?

SCULLY: Yes, we've caught the trick-or-treaters, and they told to find a...

MULDER: Mr. 'Oogie B...'

SALLY: Oogie Boogie? Oh no.

SCULLY: Why 'oh no'?

JACK: We all had a little incident with him a few years back. He was the one who put Sandy Claws in danger, and, well...

SALLY: Jack took care of him. (At which, Jack gives Sally a squeeze. Aww.)

SCULLY: So, we'll have no luck finding him.

MULDER: Actually, Scully, they said to try his lair. And that's what we were looking for. Could you direct us?

JACK: I'll do better than that - I'll take you there. It's under the treehouse. Come on. (He runs off, dragging behind him by the hand a protesting Sally. Mulder and Scully look at each other with 'after-all-that' glances. From a distance, the scene is very similar to the ending of the film ("Nightmare...", duh!), and you half expect them to just edge that little bit closer... Unfortunately, they don't, but follow Jack and Sally, and try to keep up. Jack's short cuts seem to be a little TOO short and fast.)

Scene Seven: (Mulder, Scully, Jack and Sally are all in Oogie's lair. They split up to search for Sandy. Scully finds a black sack with an orange pumpkin design on it, as seen in the film. She opens it - out rolls Sandy. How appropriate that the sceptic should find the one thing she doesn't believe in this episode, as always! [Yawn.])

SCULLY: I found him! (the others come running.) Are you all right, Mr. Claus?

SANDY: Yes, thank you. Jack Skellington, I thought you'd learnt your lesson. And Sally, you should have stopped him. (to Mulder and Scully) I thought better of you two, as well, being from the FBI, and all. I know what you've... (he is stopped short as a bright light shines down on them from above, where the trapdoor opens.)

LOCK: It wasn't them!

SHOCK: It was us!

MULDER: How did you three get out?

BARREL: (grinning evilly) Trade Secret!

SCULLY: Can we please get out of here?

SANDY: Of course. Just form a linked circle around me. (they do. Mulder and Scully are a little too eager to hold hands, probably because they're in the dark and nobody can see tham that well, unlike on the Hill. Scully takes Jack's hand, and is fascinated. Unfortunately, she can't do an autopsy on it, much as she wants to!! Mulder also takes Sally's hand, being careful not to disembody it! As soon as everyone has linked hands, Sandy taps his nose and everyone vanishes with a 'ching' noise, as bits of 'elf-dust' scatters around where they've been. [I'm on a roll - now we've got the sound effects, too!])

Scene Seven: (Everybody reappears at the Ring of Trees. They unlink hands.)

SANDY: Before I return to Christmastown, and I must be back by the world's children's bed-time, is there anything you four want?

JACK&SALLY: Snow!

SALLY: Please. Politeness is a virtue, Jack! I'm always telling him, Mr Sandy, sir...

SANDY: (Interrupting:) That's perfectly all right. So, it's snow, then.

JACK: Yes... (Sally looks at him.) Please!

SANDY: Done. (Jack and Sally, hand in hand, enter the Hallowe'enland Tree, and drop down, vanishing.) And you?

SCULLY: I'd be lying if I said I didn't want anything. I've already got my Christmas Present for this year. I've been waiting since July! (she indicates Mulder. HOW pathetic is this getting? Don't worry, you don't really need to answer that one, but I think the reply is "VERY"!)

SANDY: Of course, I forgot. Well, I hope it all goes well! By the way, that doesn't mean I approve of what you're doing.

SCULLY: We'd both appreciate it if you didn't let on to any of our superiors. (there is a pause as she realises what she just said.) I can't believe I just said that. This is all some wacky dream! You're not real...are you?

SANDY: (looks thoughtful) That's for me to know and you to decide. I guess I can keep a secret. Are you completely sure you don't want anything?

SCULLY: I know Mulder's been waiting far longer than I have. Now 'the Big Day' is nearly here, I don't suppose he could possibly ask for more. But ask him anyway, just in case. For me. . . erm . . . can I be repetitive and juvenile?

SANDY: It's Christmas! You have every right to be juvenile! Fire away! Surprise yourself!

SCULLY: In that case: snow? I've always thought it's so rom....

SANDY: It shall! By, the way, I hope you like children. (Aren't you glad I didn't subject you to the END of her line...!?)

SCULLY: Why? (she looks suspiciously at Mulder, who's examining the Trees' Doors with interest. [Oops - this one now needs to be before "Christmas Carol" - which is in Series 5, since we get another scary revelation about her! I won't tell! {I wrote this before you'd seen it - sorry!}] Mulder goes towards her, to hear the rest of what Sandy has to say.)

SANDY: (matter-of-factly:) Because you'll adopt three of them. (he vanishes.)

SCULLY: Three?

MULDER: (just as matter-of-factly as Sandy, if not worryingly more matter-of-factly!:) Three. You OK, Scully?

SCULLY: I'm fine. Just a little shocked. How am I going to look after three kids.

MULDER: Just follow your own mother's example. (Then, quoting his own line from "Home":) I never saw you as a mother before.

SCULLY: You know, I hoped you never would. I never saw myself as a mother before, either. Only as a godmother. And I'm going to be an aunt soon - my brother's wife Tara is expecting. But that doesn't really count, does it?

MULDER: You're just putting yourself down. Kids love you! Maybe that's a good sign.

SCULLY: Maybe it isn't. Maybe other people's kids like me!

MULDER: Scully, you are forgetting the one major factor in this whole idea. Sandy said the vital word "ADOPTED". They will be other people's kids, cruel though that may sound.

SCULLY: You've really thought about this haven't you!

MULDER: (he nods.) Shall we go? (Scully nods, and they enter the Door of the newly appeared Real World Tree - whatever the hell THAT would look like! - and vanish.)

Scene Eight: ("DECEMBER 24TH, 10:10 AM" In the office, Scully is sitting at the desk with a big book full of kids names and their definitions. 6 pins are stuck in at random. There goes the fate bell ringing in Heaven again!)

MULDER: What's the list? I don't care what the names are, as long as there's nothing even similar to "James Albert"!

SCULLY: Only slightly similar: Jack, Sally and Melissa. And the middle names are... (she writes it down slowly. Have you noticed the "Coincidence" yet?) William, Anne and Katherine. Cute. We'll just have to hope there's two girls and a boy. (I've decided it will be - two twin girls, and one younger boy. I think I've been watching too much "Sister Sister"! Skinner suddenly enters. Scully covers the book with a newspaper, making sure it isn't the page on marriages [!] and puts the file over the top of it, which now reads "CASE CLOSED" in large red letters, over the name, "S/Claus".)

MULDER: The copier's over here, sir.

SKINNER: I don't need the copier, agents. (Ooh - "AGENTS", now, is it?) I came here to tell you that I know about your living arrangements.

SCULLY: Agent Mulder was only meant to stay for a week, sir.

MULDER: I haven't been able to find a new apartment yet, but as soon as I do...

SKINNER: I don't care why you're still there, Mulder, even if it is for almost a year now. (!) I don't even care why you ended up living there in the first place. I'll try to keep it a secret for as long as I can, but I can't save you if Congress finds out. This is the last time I help you.

SCULLY: What do you mean "the last time"? When were the other times?

SKINNER: Everybody in enough power to close us down saw you after that Congress meeting, agent Scully. So did I, but I was sensible enough to shut my mouth. Unfortunately, somebody reported to the Director. I had to get you out of it. And you have no idea how much trouble I got into when you stayed the night at his place. Remember FBI regulations, and watch your backs.

MULDER: Thank you, sir. We will.

SKINNER: Oh, and congratulations.

SCULLY: Pardon?

SKINNER: New ring, agent Scully? (Scully examines her hands - the ring is back on her finger! Whoops! As for why - um... perhaps he re-proposed or summat! Once more shouldn't make much of a difference, he asked her so many times anyway! I don't know , I only WRITE the darn things - you don't expect anything that makes sense do you!!!!!??? Of course, we could give this situation the "Phantom" treatment, and have the ring on a chain around her neck.)

SCULLY: Ah...I...

MULDER: How did you find out?

SKINNER: I kind of guessed. It's been seven years, for God's sake. In fact, I began to hope you'd...

BOTH: Sir...?!

SKINNER: It's true! Hold it against me if you like, but I think I actually figured it out before you two did. (In a couple of lines Skinner sums up all the hopes and dreams of Shippers worldwide. He suddenly gets a little uncomfortable and shifts in his place.) Hope it all goes well. I'm sorry I won't be there to witness it, but Sharon decided to have a proper Christmas this year.

SCULLY: I didn't know you two had got back together. I thought you'd signed the divorce papers. When did...

SKINNER: Never you mind. I think I'd better get back to my work, but I just came here to warn you and to wish you luck. (he starts to turn around.)

MULDER: Actually, sir, we were just about to see you.

SKINNER: You were?

SCULLY: We have a question for you.

SKINNER: Yes?

MULDER: We were wondering if...

SCULLY: ...if you'd like to be a god-father.

SKINNER: (he looks slightly shocked, but also has an "I-knew-it-all-along" expression. It would be ironic that the one person who isn't meant to find out about 'what-they-done', before the "Leonard Betts" incident, did, in fact, find out! Trying to hide his obvious, aforementioned "I-knew-it-all-along" expression, he looks sincere and concerned, like a good boss should:) Agent Scully? Is there something else you'd like to tell me? (with a single look, Scully tells him that she hasn't. Mulder tries to hold back his laugh, the one which always sounds really fake. [Like when he laughs at the woman who thought she'd have to "serve Them lunch" in "Deep Throat".]) I'd love to. Thank you very much.

MULDER: No, thank YOU.

SKINNER: I really had better go, and thank you again. I really would go to the 'event', if I could. I'm sure it'll be a wonderful day, and once again, I apologise, but...

MULDER: It's OK, sir. If duty calls...

SKINNER: I guess I'll be seeing you around, agent Mulder. (and, to Scully:) And agent Mulder! (he leaves very quickly, as Scully is rather too close to a large book for comfort!)

SCULLY: (looks very shocked, as it finally sinks in what he meant.) He's been waiting all day to do that to me. (something else sinks in.) Just a minute. If Skinner guessed, then surely...

MULDER: Will you stop worrying! You've only got...(he checks his watch.)...another 24 hours to go. It'll be fine. (he pulls up a chair next to her and sits down. You can see the tension building a mile away - it's like a whopping great landmark, for God's sake! The infamous "I WANT TO BELIEVE" poster is behind them.) Are you OK? You're very quiet today. (Scully swivels around 180 degrees in her chair, and examines the wall behind her. She gets up, and goes to stand the poster, then looks at Mulder.)

SCULLY: Do you know why this poster annoys me so much?

MULDER: No.

SCULLY: It was one of the first things I saw when I entered this office way back in '92. As soon as I saw it, I remember thinking, God, I hope I never have to admit to this.

MULDER: (he gets up.) Can you?

SCULLY: (pause. Mulder looks expectant. But, only one miracle can happen at a time, so:) No. (she is perfectly subtle. She turns back to the wall, gets up, carefully untacks the poster, rolls it up, and gives it to Mulder. There is a vaguely poster-shaped clean, un-nicotined, un-faded hole on the wall.) Do you want to do the honours, or shall I?

MULDER: I think we both should. (he unrolls the poster, and gives Scully one corner. He holds the other, and on a count of three, they rip it in half, with a very resounding RRRRRIP!, that echoes around the room so loud, you almost expect somebody to come in and wonder what the Hell is going on! They screw up the two pieces, crush them to make one, and it travels in the general direction of the bin, which, for once, is not over-run with newspapers, etc... This is a type of symbolic gesture - they were separated in Season Two, Mulder's key phrase usually being "I want to believe", [or not], then they were reunited. Throughout the fourth Season, their relationship gradually got closer, until the inevitable happened in my completely-unlikely-to-ever-happen scripts!!!! Anyway, let's get on with the plot, what little there is left! Mulder looks at the gap on the wall with interest.) Isn't it enough I kept the office tidy for six months?!

SCULLY: I thought, since you decided to rearrange my entire guest room, I'd do my share in here!

MULDER: And your ideas would be?

SCULLY: (gesturing different walls and spaces, however few they are.) Add a few shelves, boxes for newspapers. Use one filing cabinet for all the old X-Files, and one for new and/or normal cases. Et cetera. (finally, she indicates the gap on the wall.) I figured we could use that as a 'nostalgia' wall.

MULDER: A what?

SCULLY: A 'nostalgia wall'.

MULDER: (pause) A what? (this is getting very "Small potatoes"-y, isn't it!)

SCULLY: I thought we could put all our great victories up their. If there are any, that is. I reckon, if we start filing now, something should appear.

MULDER: Ah, organisation is a wonderful thing. (pause. Mulder, who has been watching her, suddenly realises something that is so not the subject being discussed. [Whoops, there's Chandler from "F-R-I-E-N-D-S" mode again!!!!] Mind you, Mulder always has realisations at the most inopportune of times, so this is no exception!) I always wondered something.

SCULLY: What?

MULDER: (he goes to her, and arranges her cross to the middle - see "Squeeze" for an idea. Before letting it go, he examines it.) This.

SCULLY: (she manages to make him let it go, by taking a couple of steps backwards until he gets the hint.) What about it?

MULDER: I always wondered, if you were so reluctant to believe, why you wore this. When I was holding it for you during your disappearance, I asked your mother, but she couldn't give me an answer. (Oh, for God's sake. Sorry. This is explained in "Redux II", which means the episode is STILL in the wrong place. This is starting to annoy me now. Ignore my bit about "Christmas Carol", earlier, coz this will just have to go before "Redux II". Sorry again! In fact, who actually cares about continuity? I mean really? Who actually truthfully cares? Let's have a show of hands - there you go, I see none! Let's just plonk this thing at the end of Season whatever!)

SCULLY: I don't think I can give you an answer either. I guess I wear it as a reminder of the fact that I do have a faith, although I don't willingly choose to show it or follow it. (You see, I can't win! "All Souls" proves the exact opposite!)

MULDER: That's a good answer.

SCULLY: What brought that subject up anyway?

MULDER: Your comment on not wanting to admit to the office motto, actually.

SCULLY: Oh. I see. I still don't know how anyone could work in such messy conditions for so long. (Mulder indignantly gestures the now tidy office.) I mean how it used to be.

MULDER: (quoting from "Ghost In The Machine":) Like I said so many years ago: I was gunning for a basement office with...

SCULLY: (interrupting:) ...with no heat or windows, which is exactly what I wasn't gunning for.

MULDER: Yet, here you are!

SCULLY: You know, the beauty of a basement office is that you can't get any lower, only higher. Being ambitious.

MULDER: But, if you go up, as you're bound to, I go too. Deal?

SCULLY: Deal. (they shake hands. They make sure nobody is around, especially Cancer Man, or worse and more dangerous, Holly! Imagine the possibilities if she found out - it would be all over DC before the day was out! Mulder shuts the door Skinner so graciously left open, mainly because it's December, and therefore quite cold in the basement! Before you thought you'd get away with a hugless episode, think again! This is MY impossibly twisted and incurably romantic mind we're talking about! Scully actually looks a little scared! Mulder goes to her.)

MULDER: What's wrong?

SCULLY: You realise this is a big risk we're taking.

MULDER: Yes. Possibly the largest risk we've ever taken.

SCULLY: Do you care?

MULDER: Not really. I know if anyone suspects a thing that Skinner will help us out.

SCULLY: How do you know?

MULDER: I just do. He isn't under the control of evil anymore. And evil is the word for it. (Note: I think Pendrell is coming back from 'the dead' [i.e. he may not have been killed - look what happened to Mulder at the end of Season Four!] at some point in time, but I'm not sure. For arguments sake, let's say he has!)

SCULLY: I just thought - does Pendrell still have a crush on me?

MULDER: Well, let's hope not. Or I may have to kill him. (Maybe a laugh would be good here. Either character, it doesn't really matter!)

SCULLY: What about Frohike?

MULDER: I think he's over it now. Although he's had a few withdrawal symptoms, he's talking to me again.

SCULLY: But there's a 'but'. I can tell by your face.

MULDER: But, he made me promise to let him be (pause) best man.

SCULLY: (She finds that quite amusing, and smiles, much to Mulder's surprise, who thought she'd be annoyed.) Frohike? As best man?

MULDER: What's so funny?

SCULLY: I'm just receiving a mental picture of Frohike in a tux. And I get the weird feeling I've seen it before. (she has - when she was comatose. She doesn't just have to remember the abduction stuff!)

MULDER: You probably have, though I can't think where. (He's lying! Scully is having second thoughts for the second time in about five minutes. Mulder can tell. Didn't I say they were telepathic? Didn't I?) You'll be fine. Stop worrying about tomorrow. (She nods. They arrange themselves into a hug of sorts, in the middle of the office, which is even braver than in "Terma", which was in front of Congress. In the office, anybody could walk in. "Coincidence" 's hug is practically relived, without the coats or the fakeness! It's a kind of "Momento Mori" plus "Paperclip", with a pinch of "Irresistible" and a whole tablespoon of all of the moments in "Redux II". Oh, and not forgetting a "Millennium" sparkler and a "Post-Modern..." cherry on top. It's a Hallway Scene without a bee, it's "Fire" without the Evil One. It's just like we've all, always, dreamt it would be. [Do you get my drift yet?] And you just want one of their colleagues [preferably Pendrell!] to wander in and catch them, then apologetically leave! Wouldn't that be funny! We won't see this, because I can't be bothered to retype it! (If you don't have a very active imagination, just read the ending of "New York" again, and then add this bit: the episode ends with the "Coincidence"y type hug, then blackout... Aww. actually, if I just say "Millennium" moment, I think that sums it up, really, don't you - and we thought that day would never come! The end, or to put it nicely :

("And now// the end is near,// and so I face// the final curtain..." A little bit of "My Way", there, as my tribute to the late "Ol' Blue Eyes". Time to sign off, but, before I do, I'll just say I hope you enjoyed these incredibly non-credible scripts! If they ever make anything like it, start to worry!!!!! [I'm really beginning to think I'm psychic or something, as all these weird quotes keep cropping up.] I decided that the final credits [well, the first entry to the final credits, anyway!] would read:

[Hey, maybe in that font! That would look cool, and maybe we could do them all psychedelic as well!! And covered with spirals...lots of spirals, spirals of all shapes and sizes, pulsing and twirling, spinning crazily into other dimensions, hypnotic spirals leading to different planes of reality..........wow..... Or maybe not. Maybe just one little, tiny, minuscule spiral!!] Anyone with a camcorder and any acting ability at all is perfectly entitled to make amateur productions of these! But then again, who'd want to - they're just so un-credible. Or should that be incredible? Now, amazingly I'm really signing off. Have fun with the rest of your life, and happy screaming....er, I mean, dreaming...)