Credits.
Scene 2: (Mr Sheffield's office. Ceecee is finishing her list, memorised, obviously, while Maxwell sits at the desk looking bored, tired and wanting to go home. At the same time, he realises he already is home. The overall impression - impending doom.)
Scene 3: (I'm warning you now, this is going to be a long scene. Really. Now you may read on content in the knowledge that you have been warned... Fran is seated on the couch in the lounge. Maxwell is pacing. Fran starts babbling.)
(The office, where Niles and Ceecee are on opposite sides of the desk, Niles astride the other chair, and Ceecee in Maxwell's usual place behind the desk, attempting to give an overall impression of ‘Power-dressing-female-managing-director’ and failing miserably as she bites her nails.)
(Lounge. We see Fran and Maxwell sitting opposite each other, rather like that 'feet' episode, with him on the coffee table. [Damn me and my memory!] We see Ceecee passing behind the piano on her way to the kitchen. Maxwell sees her and lets go of Fran's hand.)
(Kitchen: Ceecee is pacing nervously, scoffing choc-chip cookies out of a bag labelled “Grace’s Science Project”! [We can only imagine what’s in them...] Niles enters the kitchen, out of breath, and Ceecee hides the bag of cookies behind her back guiltily.)
(Living room. Maxwell lets Fran go, and she stands up.)
(Landing. Niles and Ceecee stand staring over the banister in darkness.)
FRAN: So, what you said on the plane wasn't just because you thought we were going to die up there?
(Landing. Ceecee looks rather upset, as you'd expect, and almost looks sick. Niles, trying ever so hard not to smile with an 'I-told-you-so' air, places his hand over hers on the banister. She looks at the hand in the darkness, and then at Niles, who is intently watching the action below. Cut back:)
(The kiss ends, almost as suddenly as it began.)
(Landing. Sorry about all this 'cutting to' by the way, but it's necessary in these situations.)
MAXWELL: Come on, we've got to end this thing sensibly.
(Outside. She walks down the driveway, and up the road. Halfway down, she turns around, takes one last look at the mansion and finally goes, a weird determintation on her face. Cut back to:)
(Inside, landing. Niles and Ceecee sit on the floor. Niles looks defeated, as though he came THAT close to winning a race, while Ceecee looks... well, far from smug. She actually looks sympathetic for everyone involved. Maybe she IS human after all. To prove it, she moves closer to Niles, and they watch to see what happens below. Cut to:)
(Maxwell watches the closed door, as though he expects it to open at any second. When he realises it won't, he goes to the drinks cabinet and finds a large bottle of something [sorry, I'm not a wine expert!], and pours himself a drink of it. He crashes onto the couch and sits wallowing in self-pity.)
Scene 4: (Maxwell, who had fallen asleep after drinking himself silly and finally into a stupor, groggily wakes up in his own bed the next morning at seven. He looks around and pulls himself out of bed, opens his curtains and stares out of the window. He slowly remembers the previous night and holds his head in his hands. It has snowed in the night and still is, making the street outside idyllic and somehow peaceful. He manages to drag himself from the window and opens his door, heading towards the bathroom for a shower. He gets to the bathroom and sees various items of Fran’s - a toothpaste tube squeezed from the middle, a razor, three cans of hairspray. It’s all too much for him, and he leaves again, heading back to his room, but he stops halfway down the landing as he hears a familiar sound - Fran’s alarm clock. After debating it with his subconscious he decides to go into her room and turn it off. Her room, after all, is uninhabited. He enters her room and turns off the alarm clock, and is just about to leave when who should walk through the door but Fran herself! He sees her and catches her in a hug, never to let her go. There’s something wrong with this picture, but he just can’t put his finger on it...)
(I think we should go to a break here, just to break the flow.)
Scene 5: (Look out, it's another long one!! Niles and Ceecee sit cross-legged on the landing, staring through the bars cautiously. Ceecee plucks up enough courage to say something without being heard by a presumably sleeping Maxwell.)
(Maxwell sits up with a start from his dream [Scene 4, in case that wasn’t clear!], and as the reaslisation dawns on him, he looks around to see if Fran has come back, or if it was actually some hideous dream and he’ll really wake up in his own bed with her in a nearby room. No such luck. He stretches and rubs his head, then gets up defeatedly, staggering slightly. He puts the half empty bottle, re-corked, back in the cabinet, and proceeds to the stairs. On the landing, Niles and Ceecee prepare to freeze in the darkness. He is about to ascend the stairs, and reaches the second step, when the door suddenly opens, and in walks Fran! Hooray! There is a rather strange moment as they stand staring, not quite sure what to make of the situation. He breaks the silence.)
(Landing. Sorry! I just thought I'd be annoying when it gets to the really tension-packed part! Niles and Ceecee stare over the railings in anticipation, frozen. As there is a huge pause, they grab onto each other's hands for support. Cut back to:)
(Maxwell gives up trying to think of any more excuses. Basically, the author has just had a mental block, so read on and enjoy. Please don't cringe too much.)
(Niles and Ceecee, looking down on the happy couple with a sigh of relief.)
Run End Credits. (No images, just the usual 'photograph' that often ends up behind the credits when no-one can be bothered to think of anything to go at the end. This is one of those times! Sorry, but less tends to be more in situations like this, so you'll have to make do! OK? Once again, I hope you enjoyed it, because it took me about five days to get it this far! Actually, having said that, there could be stills of a wedding behind the credits. That would look quite good.)
Back to the fanfic list...
CEECEE: Number 49: I haven't called them to say I'll be coming, and my father hates it when people turn up unannounced.
MAXWELL: (sotto) He can join the bloody club.
CEECEE: (Oblivious.) See if you can guess number fifty.
MAXWELL: Er... you hate your mother?
CEECEE: Maxwell!?
MAXWELL: What?
CEECEE: That was number 37a. You haven't been listening to a word I've said.
MAXWELL: (Attempting to feign at least a little interest in her sad existence.) Oh, I have.
CEECEE: No, you haven't. I'd thought you be pleased. I came all the way over here to spend Christmas with you.
MAXWELL: And the children.
CEECEE: Oh, yeah... THEM. (Realises her mistake:) Not that they're not ADORABLE in every way, of course.
MAXWELL: And Niles and Miss Fine.
CEECEE: Well, they can stay in the kitchen all day making dinner. That's the best place for them, and it'll keep Niles out of my hair, and Nanny Fine out of yours.
MAXWELL: Ceecee! They're as much a part of the family as the children are. (At which point, Niles enters and puts the tray on the table. Maxwell downs the poured glass quickly and pours himself another.)
NILES: Thank you, sir. It's nice to know Miss Fine and I are wanted. Good evening, Miss Babcock. Merry Christmas.
CEECEE: Maxwell, Niles is scaring me.
MAXWELL: What on Earth are you babbling about NOW, Ceecee.
CEECEE: He hasn't said anything clever to embarrass me yet. He's been in the room for ten whole seconds. What's the matter Niles, lost your lip?
NILES: No, I just thought I'd let you enjoy your Christmas here. Scotch?
CEECEE: (Cowers by Maxwell's chair, much to his annoyance.) What, are you buttering me up for later? You're being nice to me now, so I can be tortured tomorrow? I'm not staying here to find out what he'll do to me, Maxwell, I'm leaving, and I'll see you next week for the New Year's Eve party.
MAXWELL: Actually Ceecee, stay here for a while longer. Niles, would you find Fr....Miss Fine and bring her here, please.
NILES: Yes, sir. (He leaves, vaguely muttering:) Damn, I’d almost got rid of her... (and probably something relevant to Ceecee and dogs.... Ceecee places herself on the green leather couch. As Fran enters, looking sheepish, Maxwell gets up and pushes his chair under the desk. She looks nervous.)
MAXWELL: Ah, there you are, Miss Fine.
FRAN: (pathetically, trying to avoid punishment.) Oh, Mr. Sheffield, whatever it was, I didn't do it, I swear. It was Gracie, she threw it. (Maxwell ignores the temptation to find out what’s happened.)
MAXWELL: Calm down, Miss Fine. You're not in trouble. I just want to talk to you.
FRAN: Oh. OK.
MAXWELL: Aren't you going to sit down? (She obediently sits on the couch, still looking worried. Ceecee moves out of the way 'obligingly', and goes to stand next to Niles, who has returned and is 'polishing the lamp' on the table. With no polish. And no duster.)
FRAN: What do you need to talk to me about? (He takes the other chair from under the desk and turns it around to face her.)
MAXWELL: Oh, just... stuff. (He sits down on the chair.)
FRAN: Stuff? What is stuff? With Val, stuff is what happened on "ER" last week. With Ma, stuff is diets. What is stuff for Mr. Sheffield. (pause) Gee, I'm starting to sound like Grace! (She looks at Maxwell, who is a tad confused.) You were saying?
MAXWELL: I was? Oh, yes, I was. (Awkwardly.) Miss Fine, this is very difficult for me.
FRAN: G'head, I'll be easy on you!
MAXWELL: No, you see, it might be difficult for you, too. I want you to remember a few months back.
FRAN: (a pause as she looks thoughtful. She suddenly looks shocked.) I forgot your birthday! I'm so sorry, and I'll go out right now and buy you a birthday present with (she finds her purse, which happens to be lying appropriately on the couch) $5. Oy. (Don't fire me!)
MAXWELL: (after an exasperated sigh:) This is going to take longer than I thought. Miss Fine, my birthday was last week, you did remember, and you got me this tie. Yes? (she nods) Good. Now, remember back to a certain incident involving Ceecee's dog and the luggage compartment of a Boeing 747.
FRAN: Now I remember. The trip to Paris!
CEECEE&NILES: (This is said whinily and curiously respectively.) The trip to Paris?
MAXWELL: The trip to Paris. Do you remember what happened on that trip?
FRAN: (As she suddenly realises, along with any members of the audience who might remember that incident, she starts.) The trip to Paris.... Oh, Mr Sheffield, we promised never, never to speak of that incident ever again!
MAXWELL: I know...
FRAN: You said we should carry on with our lives as normal, and forget what you said on that plane. Not that I ever will, of course.
CEECEE: Maxwell, what the Hell happened to you out there? What did she do to you?
NILES: Looking for ideas?
MAXWELL: (warning him:) Niles...
NILES: Sorry, sir, but what did happen? We've been dying to know for months.
FRAN: No. We can't tell them what really happened.
MAXWELL: It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up. It's been driving me mad for weeks. Hasn't it you?
FRAN: I can't sleep at night. I wake up thinking I’m still on that plane! And then I wish I WAS still on that plane...
MAXWELL: You see? Shall we go into the other room? (Fran nods and gets up. Maxwell also gets up, and after shuffling her out of the door, says:) Ceecee, Niles, you stay here. I think this needs to be discussed in private. (They begin to object, but he interrupts them.) I don’t care how long you have to stay in here, you WILL stay in here. Is that clear? (They nod. He follows Fran to the lounge, leaving Ceecee and Niles looking very worried - they have no idea what's going on, and they need to share a room!)
FRAN: We can't tell. We promised. It would kill Miss Babcock! (She contemplates this, weighing the odds.) I haven't even told my mother. I haven't even told VAL! Please, Mr Sheffield, don't make me tell THEM.
MAXWELL: We need to tell somebody. I have the witness statement from the stewardess in the safe.
FRAN: Which stewardess?
MAXWELL: The one who told you to put your tray away.
FRAN: Oh. She was watching us the whole time? Gee, some people are so nosey. (There is a weird pause as they look around nervously in the direction of the audience, peer intently for a few seconds, shrug, and continue.) I know it's difficult to keep this inside, but we've gone to so much trouble, keeping the police out of it, walking home from the hospital. Which, I might add, is very difficult in 4" heels in New York!
MAXWELL: Didn’t I carry you?
FRAN: Yeah, but they still hurt...
MAXWELL: You were asleep...
FRAN: Yeah, well... they hurt in my dreams. (Pause. Maxwell can’t be bothered now so she carries on.) We even tried avoiding eye-contact AND each other for a month, which got us nowhere. All that trouble to stop everyone from finding out.
MAXWELL: I see your reasoning, but it's starting to get absurd now, isn't it. (She nods. They stop for a while to contemplate the situation. Cut to:)
CEECEE: So, Niles, what do you think is going on?
NILES: There's two options: he's either firing her and they're making up some wild story to give us an explanation, or they're just making up an unusual fictional story to tell everyone at New Year's Eve. You know, a bright new start and all that rubbish. It’s the family tradition - they might be going for a joint effort this year.
CEECEE: Niles, those are so lame. I think he's just firing her anyway. He's trying to let her down gently.
NILES: Of course, she has been here for 3 years. Something might have happened between them.
CEECEE: You wish... (She actually laughs at him.) You don't think he's proposing do you? (She looks rather worried by this fact.) How can we find out?
NILES: I know. Here, finish that glass of Scotch.
CEECEE: (Inspects the glass dubiously.) Why? What have you put in it?
NILES: Just drink it. Then I can pretend to take the tray to the kitchen, and I can see what they're doing in there.
CEECEE: (she finishes the glass) That's so sneaky. I love it. Here. (she places the glass on the tray, and Niles takes it out of the room. She moves to the couch. A few seconds later, Niles reappears, trayless.) Well?
NILES: They were just sitting holding hands as I passed, but I couldn't hear what they were saying, so I went into the kitchen to see if I could.
CEECEE: Could you?
NILES: No, but I think I heard the words 'crash' and 'rescue team'.
CEECEE: That could mean anything. (Niles sits on the turned-around chair, opposite Ceecee.) God, I wish I knew what was going on in there. The suspense is killing me.
NILES: Really? (he looks pleased)
CEECEE: Niles, it's bad enough we've been banished to this room. At least try to be civil.
NILES: No, I tried that in the Caribbean. It's not half as fun, and besides, it doesn't work.
CEECEE: (she looks menacing.) TRY HARDER. (He looks nervous at this sudden outburst, so she returns to as normal as she can be.)
NILES: (almost teasingly) Easy, tiger.
CEECEE: (ignoring the implications of the remark.) We need to think of some other way of getting in there.
NILES: The only way we can possibly listen without them seeing us is by going on the landing upstairs, but how do we get there?
CEECEE: We could go up the back stairs.
NILES: Well, we'd better not go to the kitchen together. You go first, and then wait for me.
CEECEE: Right. (She leaves. Cut to:)
MAXWELL: Ceecee! Where do you think you're going? I told you to stay put.
CEECEE: (In her most innocent and persuasive voice:) I'm sorry, Maxwell, I just need some water. I'll be back in the office in no time at all, as though I never left! You won’t even hear me again! (she hurries on.)
MAXWELL: Where were we?
FRAN: We weren't. I still think we shouldn't tell.
MAXWELL: And I still think we should. This is getting us nowhere.
FRAN: (welling up.) Mr Sheffield, I don't wanna tell. (she cries pathetically) Don't make me tell Niles and Miss Babcock.
MAXWELL: (he puts his arms around her.) Calm down. (As he holds her, he doesn't see Niles side skip past the piano very quickly. Cut to:)
CEECEE: (Spitting out cookie crumbs as she speaks.) What took you so long? I was starting to get worried. What are they doing? (As Niles peers around the door, she ducks down and picks bits out of her teeth with a fingernail, destroying the evidence. By the time he's finished, she's more or less innocent until proven otherwise!)
NILES: Mr Sheffield was holding Miss Fine in his arms, and she was crying. That's all I saw. That’s still going on.
CEECEE: This is getting more and more mysterious. I want to know what happened on that plane, and I'll go to any lengths to find out. How can we see what's going on without being caught? It's no use in here.
NILES: Let's go to the landing, like I said.
CEECEE: Oh, yeah. (They tiptoe up the stairs. Ceecee drops the bag on the table on her way. Cut to:)
FRAN: I don't want to discuss this any more. It's late, and I have to sort things out in the morning. I'm going to bed.
MAXWELL: All right. But there is something else I need to talk to you about, if you'd wait. Sit down.
FRAN: What? (She sits down almost impatiently.)
MAXWELL: It's still in relevance to what I said on the plane, which still holds true.
FRAN: The part about how getting the last plane back home was a good idea?
MAXWELL: No. The other part.
FRAN: (she bites her lip to stop from crying.) I'm speechless! (Cut to:)
CEECEE: Well, I don't believe that for a second!
NILES: Oh, would you be quiet. We'll be found out. (We see a light come on at the end of the corridor, and Gracie immerges, looking tired. She walks towards them.)
GRACIE: What are you two doing up here?
CEECEE: Nothing. Now go back to bed - you little... (Brighton appears.)
BRIGHTON: Whatcha doing, Niles? Spying on Dad?
NILES: No. (Gracie has shoved her way between them and looks through the railings. Brighton fetches Maggie, who stumbles down the corridor looking annoyed.)
MAGGIE: Brighton, you little insect, it's the middle of the night. What do you want? (She reaches the railings.) Hi, Niles. What're Dad and Fran doing down there?
CEECEE: If you'd all shut up, we could find out. (All five of them stand looking over the banister curiously. Cut back to:)
MAXWELL: (He takes her hand.) Of course not! (pause) I thought you were speechless.
FRAN: I was. Speechlessness wears off very quickly in my family.
MAXWELL: Yes, I had noticed. Well, at least we've established something. Anything you'd, er, like to say to me? (Mock anticipation.)
FRAN: Let me just check something, first. (she leans over and kisses him. Of course, this being "The Nanny", you know how THAT sort of thing ends. It lasts several seconds. I'm considering killing the studio audience at this point, because they'll just be shrieky and irritating, so we'll have a few good shooters with tranquilliser guns at hand. Just an evil thought. Hopefully, in the time it took to read that, it should have been an approximate estimate of the time elapsed, depending on the speed you read things. Do continue. Meanwhile, [oh, VERY Fran Fine, I must say!], cut to:)
FRAN: (sits back again, as he lets go of her hand.) Yep, that still works!
MAXWELL: (still recovering!) What still works?
FRAN: The unspoken chemistry. Don't you get it?
MAXWELL: Oh. Of course I get it. I got it two years (?) ago when I helped you in that audition for "Romeo and Juliet".
FRAN: That long ago? Why didn't you say anything?
MAXWELL: I don't know. Maybe if I had we wouldn't be having this conversation today. (Cut to:)
NILES: He should have told her months ago.
CEECEE: You could try to be a little more sympathetic towards my situation here, Niles.
NILES: I'm sorry, but why interrupt the course of true love.
BRIGHTON: I'd say they're doing a pretty good job of that themselves.
MAGGIE: Brighton! Sshh. You'll wake Gracie.
NILES: Why don't you kids go back to bed. I'll tell you what happens in the morning. If it isn't already common knowledge by then... (Maggie and Brighton carry Gracie between them and put her to bed, then go back themselves. It's now about 10.30pm, because I have no concept of time whilst writing these things. It's taken me 3 days to get this far!)
CEECEE: It's gone very quiet.
NILES: Maybe they fell asleep.
CEECEE: Please, God, no!
NILES: (peers over the railings cautiously) No, they're just sitting in silence.
CEECEE: Good. I'm going down there.
NILES: Whatever for?
CEECEE: I want them to sort this out sooner rather than later. (she goes to move, and Niles interrupts her.)
NILES: That's not like you at all.
CEECEE: You sometimes find that I can be a caring, kind and giving person. I'm giving her Maxwell. (Niles has a look which says 'pull-the-other-one-matey!') All right, (sotto) I need to pee. (She tries to leave, but Niles grabs her by the waist and pulls her back. [Can't you just SO tell where this is leading!] This sudden 'attack' makes her shriek a little too loud, so he places a hand over her mouth. When he's sure she'll shut up, he lets her go.)
NILES: I know the upstairs bathroom is locked, but you'll just have to wait a little longer. (Cut to:)
FRAN: Any ideas?
MAXWELL: (thinks) There's two options, a good and a bad.
FRAN: Go on, but I don't like the sound of number two.
MAXWELL: Do you want the good or the bad first?
FRAN: Good... no, bad... no...
MAXWELL: MISS FINE!
FRAN: OK, OK.... Bad.
MAXWELL: (Pause.) It's entirely your decision, but... (he looks at her as if it's the last time he'll see her.) Here goes. The bad option is, you leave.
FRAN: What? Are you saying you want me to go?
MAXWELL: No! Of course I don't... (Explaining his reasoing so that she has a good idea of her options.) But if you were to choose that option... It'd be best. Then we could forget this whole thing ever happened. You could just leave now and forget everything. Forget me, forget Niles and Miss Babcock, and forget the children. (There is an excrutiating pause where she looks at him somewhat disdainfully, then her expression softens again.)
FRAN: Then that's what I'll do.
MAXWELL: Pardon?
FRAN: If it's best for everyone, then I'll just go now.
MAXWELL: Don't you want to hear the good option?
FRAN: No. It may not be the better option.
MAXWELL: But... I didn’t mean... (He can’t think of anything to explain himself and realises he’s just made the biggest mistake of his life.) Why don’t we...
FRAN: No. It’s the right thing to do. Just let me go. I'll be at my mother's - you can get Niles to bring my things over in the morning. (She gets up and goes to the cupboard near the door to fetch her coat. OH NO!!!!! [Is what we think!] Maxwell gets up to stop her.)
MAXWELL: Wait! (She stops short of opening the door.) What am I meant to tell the children?
FRAN: Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're intelligent, you'll think of something. Just tell them I got offered another job or something.
MAXWELL: At Christmas?!
FRAN: They'll understand.
MAXWELL: They won’t. I hardly understand it myself.
FRAN: Well, tell them the truth then, it’s about time they knew. (He hesitates then nods.)
MAXWELL: What will you tell your mother?
FRAN: I'm going to tell her the truth, right from the beginning. If I don't go now, I'll miss the last train.
MAXWELL: I can't let you go alone; at least let me get the chauffeur to take you, or allow me to pay for a cab. I'll do the journey with you.
FRAN: I'm sorry, but, no. I have to do this myself... it's the end.
MAXWELL: I'll drive you there myself. I'll drop you off right outside the building. I’ll walk you to your door.
FRAN: (For the audience, she is heart-wrenchingly [I like that word!] close to tears.) No. Let me go. It's for the best. (She opens the door, and is about to leave, stepping over the threshold. Maxwell turns away, frustrated, confused and hurt. She stops. She turns to him and gives him a hug. He blinks painfully [note to self - think Odo in that episode with Shakaar], and is just reaching for her hands, when she lets go and then stands away, talking at his back.) Goodbye, Mr. Sheffield, it's been a great four years. (She turns around and leaves the house, closing the door behind her. He turns around too late and she’s already gone. Cut to:)
CEECEE: Do you think it's safe to go down yet?
NILES: I think he might hear us. Let's wait a few more minutes.
CEECEE: What time is it?
NILES: About eleven, I think.
CEECEE: We've been up here for about three hours - my legs have seized up.
NILES: We have more things to worry about than your legs, asleep as they are, like whether Mr Sheffield will make it through another mid-life crisis.
CEECEE: You're right.
NILES: I know. We have to keep his morale up, and we can't let on that we know. He'll deny anything if we slip up and tell. Of course, you'll probably end up taking the children to and from school. I can't see him hiring another nanny just yet.
CEECEE: I can't look after children! I have a career.
NILES: Looking after the children WAS a career for Miss Fine. It's going to be hardest on them, I should imagine. I remember what it was like when their mother died - the whole house was silent for days.
CEECEE: I remember, too.
NILES: How? You didn't appear until he advertised in the papers a few months later.
CEECEE: Yes, but I remember coming to the house and sensing that something wasn't right. When I found out about Sarah, I thought I'd try to help him overcome his grief, I suppose, but something was missing.
NILES: Do you know what? (He does, of course!)
CEECEE: Yes. I didn't pay enough attention to his children. I never realised that they were his number one priority. When I didn't pay attention to them, he didn't pay attention to me, and the cycle continued. I was jealous.
NILES: (sarcastic:) You don’t say! Sorry, old habits. So, then Miss Fine came along and you had another rival to deal with.
CEECEE: I couldn't cope with that. I guess, for four years, I've been kidding myself that there was a chance for me.
NILES: You always knew he'd choose Miss Fine, didn't you. Deep down, you knew you weren't the one he'd pick.
CEECEE: Niles, you make it sound like a card game when you put it like that. Nanny Fine was the Queen of Diamonds, and I was... I was...
NILES: The joker in the pack?
CEECEE: I guess so. Useless and unneeded. I never realised that the whole time I was pining for Maxwell, there was a perfectly good man in my life already.
NILES: Chester? (Sorry, needed to put a quip somewhere before we died of boredom. This is all leading somewhere in the end, don't worry!)
CEECEE: No. You. (Niles looks rather shocked, and just a tad worried. I have a feeling we'll need to kill the audience again here - it's not meant to be THAT funny, and I can see bouts of hysterical laughter approaching in this bit!)
NILES: Me? All this time you wanted me? Well, that's a new one!
CEECEE: I couldn't believe it at first! But seeing those two down there, and the pain they've gone through just now, made me realise I didn't want to antagonise it any more.
NILES: But me? I thought you only went for those debonair, rich, Pierce Brosnan types.
CEECEE: Doesn't every woman? (pause. Niles gives a look which says, 'Yes-I suppose-so') At the same time, we all need to be loved. WE have a relationship built on the fact that, if we want to insult somebody, one of us is there.
NILES: You're right. In fact, I rather miss it when you're not around. I don't have any point in life. You can't insult a feather duster.
CEECEE: No. But you can dance with one.
NILES: Let us never speak of THAT incident ever again.
CEECEE: Fine. You know I was psychologically scarred by that, right?
NILES: I do indeed. (He grins evilly) And another thing... (Maxwell suddenly wakes up.)
CEECEE: No time. We'll finish this one later. (Cut to:)
MAXWELL: Miss Fine.
FRAN: Mr. Sheffield.
MAXWELL: (comes down the stairs.) You came back.
FRAN: (Unable to contain herself, she pours out everything she needs to tell, moving towards him and leaving the door open.) I ran all the way from my mother's. I told her everything, and she gave me some lecture on standing up for myself, then told me if I didn't get back here, she'd call you and make you take me back. So I explained that you didn't fire me, and she told to get my tusch over here right away. So I did. And I'm back.
MAXWELL: (Rather unfairly malicious:) Oh, I see. But, are you back because of me, or because you're so damn scared of your mother that you'd do anything to stop her from murdering you?
FRAN: Don't be like that. I thought you'd be pleased I'd come back. Besides, it was you who suggested it.
MAXWELL: I didn't intend for you to obey me. You never follow any other instructions I give you, so why should something as simple as "Leave" make any difference at all?!
FRAN: I was confused.
MAXWELL: You're always bloody confused.
FRAN: I know.
MAXWELL: Good. (They realise this argument is getting silly, so Fran tries to save the situation:)
FRAN: Are you drunk?
MAXWELL: No. (He staggers back down the stairs again and closes the front door.)
FRAN: Mr. Sheffield, I want you to sit down, and I'll get you some black coffee. (He goes and sits down. Fran runs to the kitchen, and immerges a few seconds later with a mug of steaming hot coffee. Who cares about continuity in a situation like this? She sits next to him on the couch.) Now, drink that, wake yourself up, and we'll sort this out. (He takes a sip of coffee and winces. As the conversation progresses, the coffee eventually gets drunk.)
MAXWELL: What started out as a normal Christmas Eve has turned into a disaster beyond even your capabilities.
FRAN: Stop blaming this on me! (She hits him.) You were the one who wanted to talk about things.
MAXWELL: (Slowly sobering up.) I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't blaming you, it's just... when you left, I thought I'd lost you.
FRAN: Well, you didn't; I'm here.
MAXWELL: Yes.
FRAN: And I'm back to stay.
MAXWELL: Fine. (Another slurp of the horrendous coffee.) Good to see you. I've been here for about two hours.
FRAN: I know.
MAXWELL: They were the most horrible two hours of my life. (Another slurp.) I had a dream that you didn’t leave.
FRAN: You should know by now that drinking is no way to solve your problems. (He takes another drink of coffee, very slowly waking up and realising how horrid he's been to her these past few minutes.)
MAXWELL: Why are you being so civil to me? I've just spent five minutes being awful to you.
FRAN: I don't know. I guess I'm used to it. Besides, I've just come back from my mother's, and you're definitely not as loud!
MAXWELL: Thank you... I think. (He smiles at her.)
FRAN: Are you calm? (He nods, and places the coffee mug on the table, on a coaster, of course!) Good, because I still want to know what the good option was.
MAXWELL: Are you sure?
FRAN: Sure I'm sure!
MAXWELL: Well, we can't go on pretending it didn't happen, so I thought... well, you could stay.
FRAN: OK. I'll stay. Is that it? Because you could have shouted that out the door or something!
MAXWELL: You left so suddenly. There was no time to tell you what I really felt.
FRAN: I know what you really feel. At least, I think I do.
MAXWELL: No, you don't.
FRAN: OK, I don't. Explain it to me, then.
MAXWELL: You don't know how it hurts... to see you with other people.
FRAN: Brighton's French tutor?
MAXWELL: Yes. I know I seemed just jealous to everyone on the outside, but inside I was plotting how I could murder him in his sleep. That's the extent of it.
FRAN: Whoa. I wouldn't want to cross YOU in a dark alley!
MAXWELL: Do you see?
FRAN: I think so.
MAXWELL: What I'm trying to say is - I want you to be with me all the time.
FRAN: I've said before - I will never leave you.
MAXWELL: I know what you've said, but... I think what I'm trying to say is... wait here. (He suddenly gets up and runs to a box on the cabinet. He feels along the edge of a picture frame for the key and unlocks the box, takes something out of it and returns. He sits down, and holds out a ring to her, encrusted in diamonds.) Here. This was Sarah's. (Just for the record, Sarah was his wife.)
FRAN: It's beautiful.
MAXWELL: I want you to have it.
FRAN: I can't accept this.
MAXWELL: Take it. Please.
FRAN: I can’t. It’s too good for me. Give it to Maggie.
MAXWELL: Nothing is too good for you. You’re as much a part of the family as Maggie is. Think of it as a welcome back present. I want you to have this. I really do.
FRAN: But it’s a family heirloom... I’m not family. Your mother hates me - she’d disinherit you for it.
MAXWELL: I don’t care about what my mother thinks. I’ve kept this ring hidden for four years, since Sarah died. I was just waiting for the right moment to give it to the right person. I think now fits the bill...
FRAN: Wait just a moment. I think I understand. But go ahead, I want to hear your whole speech.
MAXWELL: There is no speech.
FRAN: What was all of that, then?
MAXWELL: It wasn’t a speech. I don’t have a speech.
FRAN: Make one up.
MAXWELL: What? No.
FRAN: The great Broadway producer can’t improvise a speech?! Maybe I should just call Andrew Lloyd Webber and ask him to help you out...
MAXWELL: All right. (pause) Miss Fine...Fran...over these past few years I have grown used to your insane ways. I've grown to used to your bizarre family, and the never-ending tales of their ailments. I've even grown used to your mother and Grandma Yetta! (Fran looks very excited. She bites her lip to stop from grinning. You know how I mean, surely.) Ah...
FRAN: You're doing great. Don't stop now. (Cut to:)
MAXWELL: Fran, I love you so much. (Before you snigger, read on. It gets worse! She's so happy she cries. Well, you would, wouldn't you! Don't "Aww" yet, there's more to go!) What? Did I say something wrong?
FRAN: No. I can't help it. It's just an impulse thing. (Pause. Maxwell opens his mouth to continue.) Before you go on, I just want to say one thing (very loud) I want the whole world to know that I love Maxwell Sheffield! (On the balcony, Niles grins, and Ceecee isn't quite sure what to think. Fran quietens:) OK?
MAXWELL: (Rather taken aback.) Um... I think that should do it. You've probably woken the whole street.
FRAN: I don't care. Let them complain. At least everyone knows now. We won't need to tell anyone in this household, at least.
MAXWELL: That's true. So, is that a yes?
FRAN: What?
MAXWELL: Is that a 'yes'?
FRAN: (Realises what he's talking about!) YES! Of course! (Sorry to do this again, but, cut to:)
CEECEE: So, when do we tell them about us? (Oh God, corniness alert!!!!)
NILES: In time. Let them get this out of the way first. It'll be good to tell at the New Year's Eve party, don't you think!
CEECEE: Good idea! You don't think he'll be jealous, do you?
NILES: Does it look like it? (He indicates down, where the master and the nanny engage in the world's longest hug since the Teletubbies were invented. This is a "biiiiig huuuuug" multiplied by infinity! But, of course, I wrote this, so we won't get away that easily. They end in a proper kiss, ie not one to enfuriate Ceecee, not one to prove a point, not one accidental, not one acting, but a proper intentional one. Aww. It's not quite over yet. Niles and Ceecee, not to feel left out, test themselves in a hug, but find it easier just to carry on watching. They're not quite ready for the commitment involved in a hug just yet! Of course, I could be really cruel, and end this as another of Fran's dreams. Or I could be REALLY evil, and make it be Niles' dream, but even I'm not that bad! I'll just leave it at this.)
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