Several years ago, a certain well known British musical theatre producer by the name of Andrew Lloyd Webber turned 50. All of his friends, family and colleagues decided to throw him a huge party at London's Royal Albert Hall, full of all the biggest stars singing all of his best known songs, and some of his new, soon-to-be ones in the form of "Whistle Down the Wind".

That was where the problem lay.

The cast list was excellent, yes. Let's see, there was Elaine Paige, Michael Ball, Sarah Brightman, Glenn Close, Kiri Te Kanawa, Bonny Tyler, Boyzone, Tina Arena, even Andrew's brother Julian on the cello. And then, there was antonio banderas. Note the lack of capital letters in his name. That's not a typo.

antonio banderas. Words do not describe my loathing for the man based on his appearance in Lloyd Webber's 50^th Birthday Celebration. And believe me, I can justify it…

Firstly, near the beginning of the performance, there were songs from "Evita". As people may recall, there was a film made of the show starring Madonna in the coveted role originally brought to life by Elaine Paige. Madonna was fine in the role (now admittedly, I watched the film whilst half-asleep, but from what I DO remember, she was good) They had also cast antonio banderas in the role of Che. When I saw the movie, I had no general opinion of him, and didn't really pay him much attention, and not knowing "Evita" that well, I can't really use the film as part of my argument. Anyway, because of his role in the movie, they decided to have him in the Birthday performance as well. David Essex would have been a better choice. The banderas was attempting to sound like him anyway…

So, the banderas sang "Evita" alongside Elaine Paige (an angelic voice from the heavens with the opening strains of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina"…) In "High Flying, Adored" and one of the other songs, I couldn't even tell what the words were, let alone if he was even singing in English. I'll assume he was for argument's sake…

So, that was bad enough. But alas, there was more to come, and for me it was a travesty beyond all imagination…

It was time for the usual "Phantom of the Opera", henceforth referred to as POTO, excerpts. Sarah Brightman as Christine, Michael Ball as Raoul, it seemed like a dream cast… where was Michael Crawford, the immortal voice, the one and only Phantom to millions worldwide? He was nowhere to be seen… realisation descended as our Phantom for the night descended the stairs. There was scattered, briefly confused, applause. As for me, my mouth hit the floor… The banderas was playing the role of the Phantom. I blinked. Surely I was imagining it. No. He was there, and he was going to sing the part…

Okay, so I watched. And it wasn't as bad as I imagined. It was far, far worse. For starters, he had absolutely no presence, and, quite frankly, he was just completely wrong. He wasn't wearing a mask, thus the image is ruined. He sang. Indescribably horrible. Diction almost as bad, and the voice completely wrong for the part… tell me, someone, what precisely IS a "Phamton"? And Sarah Brightman was being her usual crazy self, but there's no change there…

I digress… the next song on the playlist was "All I Ask Of You", Brightman and Ball. Glorious performance by Michael, the only drawback to his playing Raoul being that I can't hate the character when I like the singer so much :) Then it was "Music of the Night". I prayed to any god that would listen that they wouldn't subject us to the banderas again… luckily, it was Brightman. It wasn't a patch on Crawford, and it made very little sense sung in soprano, but it was so much better than it could have been…

So, this is where my hatred stemmed from. However, it was not to end there…

I heard there was going to be a film made of POTO. Phans rejoiced at this news. It was to be an actual movie, not a stage version set to film like "CATS" and "Jospeph". (Arguably, it would capture the essence of the show if it WAS done on a stage and enlighten the many who have never seen it…) Finally we could see our favourite moments we had only imagined many times by the time it got to video… but then, disaster!!! Warner Brothers announced that they were considering reprising antonio banderas' role as the Phantom.

Jaws dropped.

I cried.

Then I complained to everyone I could in the hope it might help. How disillusioned of me…

Furthermore, they suggested two equally debatable possibilities for Christine - Angela Corr, or Catherine Zeta Jones… the theory being that the film would gross more dollars for the production company if it had big names in it. My theory is that POTO already has a franchise and a fanbase, it doesn't need to build one, and there are PLENTY of people who'll see the movie because they WANT to, because they love the music and the story, not because they see a movie advertised that has 'their favourite actor/actress' in it. So kill me, I'm an overprotective, over-obsessed and passionate phan. But I happen to know I speak for many others…

Here's the real big one, though - Andrew Lloyd Webber has suggested he doesn't really want the banderas in the movie, but he's getting very little say in the matter… And unfortunately for everyone, Michael Crawford is too happy on Broadway to return to the role. All hope is lost…

At this rate, if everyone keeps complaining, it won't get made at all. That's preferable to it starring the banderas. I am one desperate phan - wishing a movie of the show not to be made at all if it saves the phandom from a fate worse than death.

Okay, so perhaps you still think I'm biased in my ranting. Base hatred on one show when I'm so clearly obssessed with it and the cast? True, I admit that, it's not much to go on.

However…

The evidence mounts. Anyone seen "Interview With the Vampire"? Critics' opinions were varied on the film in comparison to the book, which incidentally I have read. I still love the film. Except for one thing - the banderas. He stars as the character of Armand. Now, okay, bear in mind that the casting people hadn't read (we'll assume) "The Vampire Lestat" when making the film. For starters, the character of Lestat in IWTV is completely wrong when seen in comparison to the same Lestat of the second book… but in this book, we also get a description of Armand - he's supposed to be sixteen with auburn hair. The banderas, quite obviously, is not sixteen OR auburn, and no amount of corpse makeup is going to change that…

*sigh* Be glad I've avoided other stuff he's done or this would be a LOT longer…

My plan of action, if he IS in it, is to, basically, not see it. Or, if I succumb to the urge, to see it and bawl loudly all the way through. If I can't enjoy it, no-one can. Juvenile, I know. I don't care…

End of rant…