by Raven M. Deacastra

disclaimer: Paramount owns the basics.

I can feel her arms holding me, rocking and singing a lullaby she use to sing when I was a baby. I can hear my father walk in my room, the room I use to shae with my sister. I want to answer to tell them I am fine but I canÕt my vocal cords wonÕt work. All I can do is lay here in my parents arms and cry. The dr. gave me antidepressants but nothing seemed to work. His only diagnosis was that what ever was depressing me was too deep for even strongest medications to take effect. If only I could tell them what was wrong. How right they all are. Nothing will ever be able to take away the pain I feel. I canÕt think it hurts. The crew comes into sicbay once in awhile now, just to see if there is any change. I can feel the pity eminate off them. I even hear their comments when they talk about how I was the brightest and most cheerful child on Voyager but that was a long time ago. a time when my running was done with my sister. My parents are in charge my sister and I use to run and play and get into everything. But no more. now I have destroyed everything...... The Borg did not destroy Voyager neither did 8472. no what destroyed Voyager was the Captain and Commander having two daughters. My sister was eight years older than me. I looked up to her, she was my best friend. I wanted to be just like her. She and momma use to fight all the time. The dr even had to intervene sometimes. I did not care. I knew Momma still loved her. So why did she leave.......She left everyone, her husband, her son, me, momma, daddy, the ship. With her she took our will.

Christa, my sister,,, my best friend, WHY!!!!!!! Why did you leave? I know mom would have forgiven you for the trouble you were in. I know you did not mean to get mixed up with those bad guys. It was their fault and those drugs they gave you..they were addictive like the 20th century drug called heroin. Your son needs you, I need you. With out you everyone has fallen apart. Mom and Dad canÕt do their jobs cause they are constantly after one daughter to bring her back to the real world instead of the pain induced void she has pushed herself in. and they are now raising their grandson.... Did you know Christa that your husband killed himself after you left....? Did you know sometimes I wish I could.... But I wonÕt.... I still hold out hope that one day you will come back...... One day you will once again be standing beside me with your arm around my shoulders whispering the latest gossip or telling me my outfit is uglier than neelixÕs or that Eric delany has a crush on me.. Who will I ask now? Who will be there for me when I stumble? Why was I not there to catch you? I never said I loved you but I do...... I took for granted all the times we shared, when we would gang up on the Paris kids and lock them in rooms, I thought you would always be there.... we made a promise..... we promised to always be there.... so why arenÕt you here right now? I have no way of knowing if you are okay. you never contact us.... I did not mean it when I said I never wanted to see you again... i was angry..angry at myself for not telling anyone you were in trouble long before it was visable. SO now I lay here in pain wishing you were here and everything was alright again.....My heart tells me I shoul dfind you and bring you back but my head tells me to let go. Which is it? I use to ask you these questions.... you arenÕt here though.... you will never be here again will you....? For today your ship hailed us...they wanted to return something..... your body.

Fin~~~~~~~ Do yourself a favor......... If you have a sister or even a brother.... tell them you love them..... before it is too late.