disclaimer 1: TPTB owns them not I. I am just making them more interesting. 2: If I offend anyone sincere aplologies. I love redheads having several in my family but I was tired of the blonde jokes and therefore wanted to try something new.

Rating: about PG

"I got another one. I still have no idea who is sending them to me. I just hope I can continue to intercept them before Kathryn sees them.Ó ":Lighten up Chakotay they canÕt be that bad. Or Are they?Ó Tom Paris giving a leercherous look knowing full well who has been sending the to the commander. Ever since the Captain had announced she and Commander Chakotay were going to be married a crewmen has been sending him messages on various terminals around the ship telling him how to marry a redhead and live to enjoy it. He was not impressed. The scariest part, besides finding some of the messages had hit home, was if Kathryn found any of them he was a dead man. The perpertrators were getting braver by sending them to the terminal on the bridge. This had to stop he had two more days till his wedding and he wanted to be alive to enjoy the honeymoon. Message to Comm. Chakotay

From: helpfull hints >What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? > A redhead!

Kathryn looked over at Chakotay he had just accessed his terminal when he let out a groan almost as if he were pained. "Something wrong Commander?" "Uh no captain just a slight misunderstanding I will have it fixed shortly. If you will excuse me.Ó "Of course."

Chakotay left the bridge and went straight for BÕlannaÕs quarters he knew both she and Tom would be there and right now he needed their help if he was going to find out who was doing this. "Come in. Chakotay, whatÕs wrong you look like someone just punched you in the stomach.Ó "Almost, I need your help. I have to find out who has been sending me these messages.Ó "Okay tell us what the messages were and where you found them maybe we could locate anyone who was in that area or the origin of them.Ó "The first one,

>How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? > There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

I got that one right after I had made the report for a new moniter for the ready room." "Why did she need a new monitor?" "DonÕt ask it had something to do with crew evaluations, no coffee, and well I may have said something to the fact that she needed to, well I may have hinted at relieveing her of duty for 24 hours.Ó "You did what? Are you out to get yourself hurt. Chakotay you should know by now..Ó "Tom I know all that but she had just spent three grueling days in negotiations and only had about three hours sleep total.Ó "So did she put a what was it, oh yeah did she put a hammer through the monitor?Ó "No, she slammed her coffee mug down and hit landed on the keys and splahed her making her swing her arm out of the way thatÕs when she caught the side of the monitor knocking it off.Ó "Okay so someone it supply could have done it. what came next?Ó "I got two really, they were after her doctors visit last week. The first I got as soon as I got back to my QuarterÕs

How do you get a redhead to argue with you? > Say something.

Then a few minutes later I got this one:" > Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. > One is to let her think she is having her own way and > the other is to let her have it

"I think someone has the two of you pegged right. And I also think you should ask your lovely fiance about these.Ó "Tom you may like living dangerously but I donÕt. I have to get back to the bridge but let me know if you have anything.Ó "Okay and good luck."

The ready room was quiet except for the stiffled giggles coming from the lone occupant. She knew why Chakotay had been running around checking all the terminals she also knew that she could not let him off that easily she still had a few more tricks. He should have listened to her warning before he threw her in the pool at the last luai. It's time for him to really squirm. Tom is having another beach party tonight I think it is time to up the ante.Ó

Message for Comm. Chakotay From: Helpfull Hints > What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? > Normal.

"Oh god I canÕt take this much more. If I don't do something fast I am going to find out what Kathryn attitude is like on the recieving end. A pair of arms reach around him to hold him tight against her. He could feel her breats pressed against his back. Turning around he notices those breats are uncovered sliding his gaze further he realizes she is completly nude. He groans but this time from pleasure maybe today would not be so bad as it had started. Kathryn runs her right hand up chest to reach for the zipper of his uniform. Òwhat had you so ingrossed you did not hear me come in?Ó "What?" He canÕt concentrate she has somehow managed to divest him of all his cloths including his underwear without him noticing. Ò Oh I was just reading some reports.Ó Grinning Kathryn leans over to take one of his nipples in her mouth while running her left hand further down to further distract him.She stops what she is doing so suddenly that Chakotay struggles to keep from falling over this lady sure knows how to keep him off balance. "We are going ot be late for TomÕs party if we donÕt hurry.Ó "Kathryn, we could not show up for all I care come back here I rather finish what you started.Ó "Sorry I promised Tom besides there is suppose to be a surprise now move it.Ó Kathryn had already disappeared into the next room when the terminal beeped signaling a new message. He was almost hesitant to see what it was. sure enough it was his annoying helper.

>How do you get a redhead's mood to change? > Wait 10 seconds.

You don't know how true that is." ÒDid you say something honey?" " Uh no I huh God you look great." she is wearing a two piece bikini that leaves little to the imagination. It was all black and had cut outs in some very interesting places. "So do you but I am not letting you out that door like that.Ó Looking down he notices he is still standing where she had left him, naked and aroused. 'Be right back promise." Coming back a few minutes later fully dressed and somewhat composed he finds Kathryn straring at him with naked desire in her eyes. As he gets closer she develops an almost evil grin, ÒUh oh I am in for it that is her, I have something up my sleave and you better start running look.Ó SheÕs raking her nails slowing against the top of her desk, Òshe has blood red nails and they are sharp oh boy I better think fast,Ó "You arenÕt wearing that are you? This is a luai put on those black shorts I love seeing you in.Ó "Right back you just got me distracted." "Distracted enougth to put on your uniform." "Just a minute I will be right back." A loud crash came from in the bedroom. ÒChakotay are you allright?Ó "Fine lets stay in tonight please." He is pleading with a desperate look hoping she would not insist on going to the beach party. "Fine I rather play here anyway."

In the cornor a padd lay written on it

> How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? > She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Considering his luck and the truth with the rest of these messages it was far safer to stay home. The next day Kathryn is sitting at her desk thinking over the last week and how attentive Chakotay had been to keeping her other wise occuppied. Yes it was good to know how to live with a redhead and sometimes one had to give hints. Just one more though she could not resist.Five minutes later Commander Chakotay recieved the following message: >Coffee drinkers are good in the sack. Inside her ready room she was already planning on ways to keep this game going after all the honeymoon was still to come.