Maiya in Wonderland

Post to archives is encouraged as long as my name and title stay with the story.

Author's Note: Beware of spoilers. This story is set between the episodes "Fissures" and "Redemption." You should read my previous stories, "Hostage - Parts 1 through 4," "Ma'el: Thinker, Dreamer, Achiever," "If You Think You Know The Taelons . . . ," "Oh, Baby!," "Adventures in Taelon-Sitting," "Last Dance," "Girls' Night Out," "Say No More, Zo'or," "Tell It Like It Is," "More Adventures in Taelon-Sitting," "Bundle of Joy," and "Paradise Lost" before reading "Maiya in Wonderland."

Please feel free to use any of my characters for your own fanfictions, but keep their name and status quo as is in my other fanfictions, and please tell me so I can read your story. In "Maiya in Wonderland," the regular EFC characters all assume alternate identities. For the purposes of this story, the characters of La'an and Le'er will each be referred to as "she."

Summary: Maiya wanders through a portal which transports her to an alternate realm where jabberwocky is spoken, pepper is abundant, and skrills are everywhere. Along the way she meets a variety of colorful personalities and familiar faces. These unique, and sometimes aggravating, individuals try to help - - or hinder - - Maiya's efforts to return home.

Special thanks goes to Tabakat for allowing me to use her character of La'an in this story. La'an can be found in more of Tabakat's stories. Please ask permission from Tabakat and other authors before using their characters in your stories. Another special thank you goes to Dot from down at the Philosophy Sphere who conjured up the creation of "Sando-Lollies" during a real-time chat. Also, my personal thanks goes to Mr. Lewis Carroll, the author of "Alice in Wonderland," without whom this story would not exist. Thank you, Lewis!

To my readers: This particular story, "Maiya in Wonderland," was written as a silly adventure, a frivolous fantasy romp utilizing the EFC characters. In case you couldn't tell from the title, it is meant to be a spoof of "Alice in Wonderland." It is not meant to be taken seriously or considered a major part of my chronological story arcs, although it does take place between the stories "Paradise Lost" and "To Avoid the Void." This story contains some underlying or hidden themes, metaphors, and in-jokes to look out for. Some are subtle, but others are more obvious. It is dedicated to all you viewers who hated Season 2 of EFC. The tongue-in-cheek tone of this story does not necessarily reflect the views of the author!!! If you want to discuss MY personal views about any of EFC's seasons, characters, or storylines, please email me separately!

All of my stories take place in an EFC universe that is basically similar to that of the actual series, but with a lot of my own characters and ideas blended into it. For this reason, please remember that my story arcs and plots will not always be completely accurate with those of the other fanfiction authors whose characters I sometimes use in my own fanfiction, or of the actual series.
 
 

    * * *

    Leaves crunched beneath Maiya's feet as the young woman tromped through Chevolleau Gardens in Washington D.C. Maiya's long, flowing, reddish-brown hair flowed freely in the cool summer breeze. She leisurely made her way across the city park past oak and maple trees and cultivated flower gardens. Maiya had not a care in the world.
    Suddenly, something strange caught her eye. Rotating her head toward a group of tamaracks, Maiya spotted a shiny, glistening gray object, partially hidden by the distinguished trees, sparkling with radiance. There were several glitzy hues blended into the glorified gray mass which swirled around in rapid revolutions. What a cheesy eyesore! Maiya felt she knew what this might be, based on stories which Liam had told her. It was a portal!
   "I wonder where it leads to?" Maiya wondered out loud.
    She decided to find out.
    Ever so gingerly, Maiya approached the wormhole, which was somewhat hideous in appearance. Reaching out to feel the softly vibrating, friendly energy given off by the portal, Maiya cautiously stepped through it. In a split second, she found herself on the other end.
    Maiya was standing inside the Flat Planet Café!
   "This is my workplace," she realized. "However did I end up here?"
   "You entered a wormhole, dear!" came a familiar voice. "You're in an alternate dimension."
    There, positioned behind the Flat Planet bar, was Kwai Ling Hong . . . dressed in a yellow, feathery chicken costume.
   "Kwai Ling?!" gasped Maiya.
    Kwai Ling stared back at Maiya, expressionless. "My name is Madame Cluck-Cluck," she insisted. "This is MY pub that you've wandered into, lady!"
   "I'm terribly sorry," Maiya apologized. "Please do forgive me."
   "Yeah, yeah, yeah! Whatever!" grumbled Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck, giving a frivolous wave of her hand. "Now I have something I need for you to do."
   "What is it?"
    Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck pulled out a plate that held Artichoke Onion Rings, a Flat Planet specialty. "Here, eat this," she commanded to Maiya.
    "Artichoke Onion Rings?" Maiya stared at the platter.
    "Just gobble them down, Maiya. Trust me on this."
    Maiya picked up an onion ring and shoved it into her mouth. Suddenly, her palms began glowing. A bright, golden shakarava appeared on each of her palms. Maiya screamed.
    "Aw, calm down, you big baby!" called out Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck crudely. "You're twice as powerful now than you were before."
    "But I don't want shakaravas!"
    "Tough bananas! Here, drink this."
    Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck extended a glass goblet of Champagne Punch, another Flat Planet specialty, to Maiya.
    She looked at the glass of Champagne Punch ominously. "Are you trying to make me fat?!" she exclaimed.
    "You ask too many questions!!" shouted Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck. "I would think you'd be willing to trust someone who is wearing a chicken suit as dignified as mine."
    "Well, I am kin of thirsty," admitted Maiya. She took a sip of the Champagne Punch, and all of a sudden her eyes began to glow a bright shade of orange. "What's happening to me?! I feel so strange!"
    "I've given you the power to fly," answered Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck. "Now you can be like Peter Pan!"
    Maiya felt herself ascending slowly upward into the air. "So I can do this at will?" she gasped.
    "Yep."
    She descended back down to the floor. "This is great!"
    "You have a long and unique journey ahead of you," Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck informed Maiya. "These powers you now possess will aid you when you run into . . . adversity."
    "Adversity? What do you mean by that?"
    At that moment, a large, gray bunny rabbit with large floppy ears hopped by. The hare had a pale, fleshed out Taelon face. His ears stemmed out from his otherwise bald, shiny anterior. Maiya recognized him immediately.
    "Da'an?" she exclaimed.
    "His full name is Da'an the March Taelon," Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck spoke prudently.
    "Follow me," Da'an the March Taelon urged Maiya. He held up a ticking stopwatch. "We are running out of time."
    With that, he hopped away.
    "Well follow the damn bunny!" Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck barked at Maiya. "He knows where he's going. You can trust him."
    Hesitantly, Maiya trailed behind Da'an the March Taelon as the two of them disappeared back through the opening of the magnificently textured gray portal.

    * * *

    As they emerged from the portal, Maiya and Da'an the March Taelon found themselves in a grassy clearing.
    "Where are we?" Maiya asked.
    "We are in Wonderland," replied Da'an the March Taelon.
    Beneath her feet, Maiya noticed the bushy grass was purple in color. She gazed at the towering trees, which had fluffy white marshmallows hanging from the branches where the leaves were ordinarily meant to be. The light blue sky overhead contained even fluffier clouds made of bright pink cotton candy. A flock of flamingos flew in a V-formation across the sky above them.
    "Madame Cluck-Cluck forgot to bestow a couple of essential entities upon you," Da'an the March Taelon noticed.
    "Such as?" Maiya's now bright orange eyes flickered and her shakaravas glimmered.
    Da'an the March Taelon gave Maiya a sparkly blue Taelon glow-pop that had the words "Lick Me" on it.
    "Lick this, please," he instructed.
    Maiya extended her tongue and gave the glow-pop a swift lick. As soon as she did so, Maiya began morphing her appearance back and forth. One moment she looked like a Taelon, the next a Jaridian, then a Kimera, then once again she resembled herself.
    "This acquired ability will aid you on your quest," Da'an the March Taelon explained.
    "What quest?" inquired Maiya.
    In response, the Taelon/hare handed Maiya a global communicator that had the words "Dial Me" on it. "Activate your global, and you shall find out."
    Maiya dialed up the coordinates written on the side of the handheld communicator, and Sandoval's face appeared on the global's screen. The Asian implant was wearing a gaudy polka-dot vest and a pile of increasingly large top hats stacked accordingly downward atop his head.
    "Jason?!" Maiya gasped, recognizing the image of her late husband.
    "I am the Mad Hatter Sandoval!" he barked at her shrewdly. "And you are late for my tea party!"
    "What tea party?"
    "I expect you here immediately!" Mad Hatter Sandoval cut the link.
    "We are late, we are late!" chanted Da'an the March Taelon. And with that, the Taelon/hare hybrid vanished from her view, having hopped away at the speed of light.
    "March Taelon, come back!!" Maiya flinched, her fiery eyes now blazing like an inferno. She rose upward vertically into the air and began to float forward. Mighty gusts of wind carried the weary traveler into a forest composed of more marshmallow-topped trees and more purple grass.
    As Maiya landed on her feet on the ground, she noticed a gigantic caterpillar inching toward her. The wormlike larva slid smoothly across the fertile lawn, her dozens of legs cooperatively supporting the rest of her body and moving her forward. Maiya then noticed that this caterpillar had a very familiar head and face.
    "Lili?!" gasped the Spanish-accented beauty.
    "No," hiccuped the caterpillar. "Allow me to introduce myself. My full name is Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar. I am the Queen of the Larvae of Wonderland, as well as the commander-in-chief of their district. My husband happens to be Major Percival Caterpillar, the Chief Commander-General of the Wonderland Insect Brigade, a forest infantry." Captain Marquette-Caterpillar squinted deftly at Maiya. "Who are you?"
    "Maiya," the traveler answered.
    "What a stupid name!!" scoffed Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar. "But you didn't answer my question. Who are you?"
    "I already told you. I am Maiya."
    "No. WHO are YOU?!"
    "Maiya!"
    "Fine, don't tell me." Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar tilted her head downward and chomped a mouthful of delicious purple grass from the ground. "Mmmm . . . delectable!"
    Maiya grimaced.
    "Would you care to join me for the Mad Hatter Sandoval's tea party?" the caterpillar probed. "That is where I am headed right now."
    Before Maiya could reply, two more individuals came running over, their arms draped around each other's shoulders.
    "I'm Tweedledee-Augur!" said the first one, a colorfully dressed dude adorned in a silvery sequined vest, with brown skin and an unusual pony-tail attached to his shaved-bald head.
    "And I'm, uh, Tweedledum-Liam!" added the other, a pale-skinned, broad-shouldered beefcake of a man, wearing corduroy suspenders and brown penny loafers.
    "We're Tweedledee-Augur and Tweedledum-Liam!" they both recited in unison.
    "Are you two going to the tea party too?" Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar asked her friends.
    "Yeppers, indeedy!" chuckled Tweedledum-Liam.
    "Hey, Captain Marquette-Caterpillar. After the tea party wanna go out for a bite of mushroom and a cup of ambrosia?" winked Tweedledee-Augur, grinning slyly at the object of his affection.
    "Are you insane?! Percival will kill you!" Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar smacked Tweedledee-Augur with at least seven of her arms and legs.
    "Hey, look who's headed our way!" Tweedledum-Liam piped up.
    Approaching them was the body of a colossal cat with a human head. The cat had pink, orange, and violet stripes on her feline body. However, flowing from the top of her human head was long, reddish-brown hair. She wore a huge, toothy grin upon her petite face.
    "Hello, I'm Joyce the Cheshire Cat," smiled the large kitty, prancing right up to Maiya and placing her own face centimeters away from Maiya's. "How are you today?" The cat's smile became even more huge.
    "You have a very disturbing smile," frowned Maiya, sizing up Joyce the Cheshire Cat critically.
    "Most decidedly so!" Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar cheerfully agreed.
    "No I don't." Joyce the Cheshire Cat smiled even larger, showing her unbelievably big teeth. She then disappeared.
    "Where did she go?" wandered Tweedledum-Liam, looking around.
    "I'm right here." Joyce the Cheshire Cat reappeared, this time perched on a marshmallowy branch of a nearby tree.
    Once again, Da'an the March Taelon ran by, clinging onto his stopwatch. "We are late, we are late!" he called out in a frenzy.
    "Well then, let's head out," suggested Tweedledee-Augur. "Mad Hatter Sandoval's tea party awaits us."
    Da'an the March Taelon led Maiya, Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar, Tweedledee-Augur, Tweedledum-Liam, and Joyce the Cheshire Cat out of the forest and toward the Mad Hatter Sandoval's garden.
    "I hope he doesn't spike the ambrosia again," grumbled Captain Marquette-Caterpillar.

    * * *

    A long table covered with a paisley tablecloth was set-up in the middle of a small but quaint rose garden. Dainty ceramic cups and saucers were situated at each place setting, along with small antique dishes and purple cloth napkins. Seated at the head of this rectangular table was Mad Hatter Sandoval; he wore a grouchy facial and crossed his eyes dramatically. His short, jet black mane held several funny hats stacked one atop the other like on a dagwood sandwich. Mad Hatter Sandoval was already sipping some tea from a cup as his guests arrived in the garden.
    "What took you so long?!" snapped Mad Hatter Sandoval, glaring at the group.
    "Forgive me, I tried to get here as quickly as possible. But," Da'an the March Taelon pointed his finger accusingly at Maiya, "SHE held me up!"
    Maiya put her hands on her hips indignantly.
    "That's no excuse!" Mad Hatter Sandoval reprimanded Da'an the March Taelon.
    "Aw, the afternoon is still young!" Tweedledee-Augur gleefully plopped down onto a chair.
    "I will not tolerate tardiness at MY tea party!" Mad Hatter Sandoval pointed a finger directly at Maiya. "You! Sit next to me, young lady!"
    Maiya and the rest of Mad Hatter Sandoval's guests took their seats. They were also joined by two others, a tall, feminine Taelon who looked like she was wearing a massive turtle shell on her back, and a large mouse who had a brunette male human head.
    "Look, it's more of our friends," called out Tweedledum-Liam.
    "Hello, I am La'an the Mock Taelon," spoke the feminine Companion as she sat down at the table.
    "I'm Agent Lassiter-Dormouse," added the mouse, plunking down next to La'an the Mock the Taelon.
    "Pleased to meet you," Maiya returned.
    "Everyone SHUT UP!!!" roared Mad Hatter Sandoval, banging his fist on the table and causing it to shake.
    "Aw, lighten up, needlebutt!" Agent Lassiter-Dormouse jumped up on the table and began dancing.
    "You're ruining my party!" growled Mad Hatter Sandoval. He grabbed ahold of Agent Lassiter-Dormouse's furry head and plunged it into the teapot. The dormouse made several muffled gurgling noises.
    "You're hurting him!" cried Maiya, knocking Sandoval's hand away.
    The Mad Hatter Sandoval directed a vicious glare at Maiya. "Who invited you here in the first place?!"
    "Uh . . . you did."
    "I did no such thing!"
    "Yes you did!"
    "It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited," Mad Hatter Sandoval lectured to her.
    "I WAS invited!!" Maiya put her hands on her hips indignantly.
    A loud snoring noise came from the center of the table. Agent Lassiter-Dormouse had pulled himself out of the teapot and was now sleeping soundly on the center of the table.
    "Oh my," remarked La'an the Mock Taelon, observing her snoozing friend.
    Joyce the Cheshire Cat flashed an enormous grin at Mad Hatter Sandoval. "Hey, Mad Hatter Sandoval," she taunted, "I ate all your butter!"
    Mad Hatter Sandoval's face immediately became red when he noticed that all the butter was indeed gone from his table, digested by Joyce the Cheshire Cat.
    "What a shame," lamented Tweedledum-Liam.
    "It was the best butter, you know," Da'an the March Taelon sighed.
    "I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!" chided Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar.
    "Now we have no oleo to butter our bread with," Tweedledee-Augur pouted.
    Suddenly, an ugly Atavus appeared from behind some shrubbery.
    "Eeeek! It's the Atavus!" squealed Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar.
    "Go away!" Mad Hatter Sandoval snapped at the Atavus. "I didn't invite you either!"
    The Atavus growled back.
    "You'll have to leave, dear," Joyce the Cheshire Cat smiled at the Atavus. "There's no more room here for you."
    "No room! No room!" chanted Da'an the March Taelon.
    "I just want someone to talk with!" whined the Atavus. "I wanna have some meaningful discussion, perhaps about mathematics."
    "Oh, that sounds delightful," spoke up La'an the Mock Taelon. "Might you be thinking of the four branches of arithmetic: preoccupation, precision, conniption, and contradiction?"
    "Why yes, that is exactly what I was thinking of," replied the Atavus.
    "I want a clean cup," Tweedledee-Augur interjected. "Let's all move one place on."
    "Take some more tea," offered Da'an the March Taelon, filling Tweedledee-Augur's cup to the brim.
    "Thank you," replied Tweedledee-Augur, toasting his cup in the air.
    "I know! Let's tell riddles!" Tweedledum-Liam suggested.
    "Come, we shall have some fun now! I'm glad they began asking riddles," remarked Maiya.
    Joyce the Cheshire Cat leaned over and spoke in the direction of Da'an the March Taelon. "Does your watch tell you what year it is?" she inquired.
    Da'an the March Taelon glanced at his stopwatch and blinked several times. "Does your year tell you what watch it is?" he responded.
    "Isn't that an oxymoron?" remarked La'an the Mock Taelon, taking a sip of tea from her cup.
    "You might just as well say that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like'!" Tweedledee-Augur exclaimed.
    "Why is a raven like a writing-desk?" proclaimed Mad Hatter Sandoval.
    Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar stared around the table in a daze. "What day of the month is it?"
    Joyce the Cheshire Cat grinned back. "What month of the day is it?"
    "I said, WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING-DESK??!!" Mad Hatter Sandoval repeated.
    "They both were entities used by Edgar Allen Poe?" guessed Maiya.
    "I wanted to know how they relate to each other!!!" Mad Hatter Sandoval growled at Maiya through gritted teeth.
    "Then you should say what you mean." Maiya was getting sick of Mad Hatter Sandoval's attitude.
    "At least I mean what I say," shot back Mad Hatter Sandoval. "That's the same thing, you know."
    Tweedledum-Liam snorted with laughter.
    "I think you might do something better with the time than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers," Maiya scoffed.
    "You shouldn't talk," grumbled Mad Hatter Sandoval.
    "Stick-lady! Stick-lady!" Tweedledum-Liam taunted Maiya amid giggles.
    "You should learn not to make personal remarks," Maiya lectured Tweedledum-Liam. "It's very rude."
    "Your hair wants cutting!" blurted out the Atavus.
    "Suppose we change the subject," suggested La'an the Mock Taelon. "I'm getting tired of this. I vote the young lady tells us a story."
    "I second that," chimed in Da'an the March Taelon.
    "But I don't know any stories," Maiya protested. "I want someone to tell another riddle. A GOOD one, this time."
    "Do you mean you think you can find out the answer to it?" challenged Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar.
    "Look! Here comes our main course!" Tweedledum-Liam interrupted. He pointed to a Taelon in its true form who was carrying a tray filled with plates of soup over to them.
    "Ah, Soup de Jour!" Mad Hatter Sandoval gestured to the consommé. "Eat up, everyone!"
    "It's my own special recipe," added Tweedledee-Augur, "from the Flat Planet. And it's not even Saturday night."
    Suddenly, everyone's cups of Soup de Jour disappeared into thin air.
    "Hey!" grunted the Atavus.
    Joyce the Cheshire Cat giggled out loud, looking quite proud of herself. "I made all your cups of soup disappear!"
    Maiya abruptly stood up, knocking her chair over. "This is the stupidest tea party that I ever was at in all my life!"
    And with that, Maiya's eyes glowed orange as she ascended up into the air and floated away.

    * * *

    Creak!
    Maiya pushed open the squeaky door of a rustic, isolated cottage. She practically bumped right into a pale-skinned woman with reddish-brown hair and a skrill on her arm.
    "Are you trespassing on me property?!" demanded the woman.
    "I am sorry. I had no idea . . ."
    "Speak not!" She held up her hand to silence Maiya. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Duchess Siobhan Beckett." The duchess held up her skrill. "And I will not hesitate to use this on you, dear."
    "Oooh, I'm shaking in my fish-net stockings!" sneered Maiya sarcastically. She held up her shakaravas. "Well I have these to protect me!"
    "Just like Tweedledum-Liam, eh?" Duchess Beckett observed. "He's me illegitimate son, you know."
    AAA-CHOOOO!!!
    A loud sneeze reverberated from across the room. Then a crying noise could be heard from the crib in the center of the duchess's living room.
    "Oh, is that your baby?" Maiya inquired.
    "You should mind your own business," responded Duchess Beckett. "And yes, he is."
    "Aw, how cute!" gushed Maiya. She skipped over to the crib and peered inside. Lying there was a tiny baby Taelon, wailing noisily while blushing blue in its true form. The little Taelon toddler was wrapped in swaddling blankets made from flamingo down.
    AAA-CHOOOO!!!!"
    Duchess Beckett's baby Taelon sneezed once again.
    "Speak roughly to your little boy, and beat him when he sneezes," chanted Duchess Beckett. "BE QUITE, YOU LITTLE BLOKE!" She prepared to give the kid a whap on the behind.
    "NO!" Maiya intervened. "You can't abuse your child like that!"
    "I won't have you telling me what to do or how to raise my child!" Duchess Beckett snarled. "You should mind your own business . . . unless you'd rather pay for daycare for him."
    At that moment, Maiya glanced over at the kitchenette attached to Duchess Beckett's living room. Standing at the stove was a lady with shoulder-length blond hair who was wearing an apron. She hovered over a steamy cooking pot, stirring vigorously. Every so often she would sprinkle pepper into the pot using a giant shaker.
    "Pepper! More pepper!" the cook emphasized.
    "This is my cook, Chef Park," explained Duchess Beckett.
    "Pepper! Pepper! Gotta have more pepper!" shouted Chef Park, adding more pepper into the brew.
    AAA-CHOOOO!!!
    "That's what's making your baby sneeze," Maiya deducted.
    "Hey, I love pepper!" snapped Chef Park.
    "Love is used in both matchmaking and tennis," Duchess Beckett suddenly spoke up. "And the moral of that is . . . never lock Chuck Woolery and Steffi Graf in a room together."
    "What?" Maiya was confused.
    "Pepper! More pepper!" repeated Chef Park.
    AAA-CHOOOO!!!
    "Aren't you going to tell your cook to quit putting in so much pepper?" Maiya insisted. "It's affecting your baby."
    "Witches and popsicles melt in the summer," answered Duchess Beckett. "And the moral of that is . . . if you want to make a nun mad, throw water on her."
    "That's it, I'm taking your baby outside." Maiya, who could make any sense out of what the duchess was saying, reached into the crib and picked up the baby Taelon. As she did so, Maiya shifted her holographic facade to that of a Kimera. This foreign appearance scared Duchess Beckett's baby, causing him to cry.
    "Your face looks like it's slathered with Vaseline!" Duchess Beckett called out to Maiya.
    "Pepper! More pepper!" Chef Park dumped even more pepper into her cooking pot.
    AAA-CHOOOO!!!
    The baby wailed even louder, terribly frightened by Maiya's Kimera-facade. Suddenly, he turned into a glow-bug and crawled out the open door of the cottage.
    "Oh, fissures!" lamented Maiya.
    "Aw, I never liked him much anyway!" Duchess Beckett unsympathetically stated with a wave of her hand.
    "Pepper! More pepper!"

    * * *

    "Hello, beautiful."
    Maiya had been walking over a grassy, purple pasture when she ran into a handsome stranger. This brunette male wore a sturdy coat of armor.
    "And who might you be?"
    "I'm Sir Joshua Doors the White Knight. And you are?"
    "Leaving!" scoffed Maiya. "You're not my type."
    Then who should come bounding down the nearest hill toward them but Tweedledee-Augur and Tweedledum-Liam. They walked over to Maiya.
    "What are you two doing here?" she demanded.
    "We're here to annoy you," grinned Tweedledee-Augur.
    "That's something we can do really well," Tweedledum-Liam agreed.
    The duo of dimwits draped their arms around one another's shoulders, and tagged along behind Maiya.
    "Hey, leave her alone! She's mine!" called out Sir Joshua Doors.
    "I think not!" Maiya began to flounce away, but suddenly, a Jaridian replicant jumped out from behind the bushes. It looked like a Transformer. Maiya shrieked.
    "I'll save you, fair maiden!" Sir Joshua Doors charged forward and rammed himself headfirst into the metallic belly of the Jaridian replicant.
    "Look at them go!" cheered Tweedledee-Augur.
    "Fight! Fight! Fight!" chanted Tweedledum-Liam.
    Sir Joshua Doors and the Jaridian replicant were in the middle of an intense fistfight. Nimbly, Sir Joshua Doors twisted the Jaridian replicant's robotic arm behind its back, and the Jaridian replicant howled in pain. Retreating, the Jaridian replicant whimpered as it tiptoed away.
    "So now will you go out with me?" Sir Joshua Doors solicited from Maiya.
    In response, Maiya shifted her bodily facade to that of a hideous Jaridian. Sir Joshua Doors yelped and scurried away in shock and fear.
    Tweedledee Augur made a tsk-tsk sound with his tongue. "Some people simply have no tolerance for female Jaridians."

    * * *

    Maiya, Tweedledee-Augur, and Tweedledum-Liam were trotting along a dusty path. They soon came across a heavyset man dressed in a walrus-suit with a mop of greasy gray hair on his head, and a curly-haired, aging brunette women wearing plain white lab coat.
    "Hi, there. I'm Jonathan Walrus," grunted the man in the walrus-suit.
    "And I'm Dr. Julianne Carpenter-Belman," said the doctor. "Carpenter is my maiden name."
    "What's up, doc?" whooped Tweedledee-Augur.
    "We are here . . ." Tweedledum-Liam stopped for a moment and pulled a cue card out of his pocket. After consulting his cue card, he continued, ". . . to look for something fun to do."
    "Well we know plenty of fun places," Jonathan Walrus assured them.
    "Trust him on this," nodded Dr. Carpenter-Belman. "Jonathan is Mr. Fun."
    "Yeah, and you're a stick-in-the-mud!" laughed Jonathan Walrus.
    "Shut up, you're fat and stupid!" shot back Dr. Carpenter-Belman.
    "Hi, Fat!" Tweedledum-Liam greeted Tweedledee-Augur, playfully shaking his friend's hand.
    "Hi, Stupid!" Tweedledee-Augur returned the greeting.
    "We're Fat and Stupid!" they gleefully chorused in unison.
    Maiya then noticed the Atavus approaching them. "I think the Atavus has found us."
    "Oh goody! The Atavus!" squealed Dr. Carpenter-Belman.
    "Let's give him a big hug!" Jonathan Walrus suggested.
    Jonathan Walrus and Dr. Carpenter-Belman embraced and squeezed the Atavus joyfully.
    "Ouch! You're hurting me!" whined the Atavus.
    "Ooooh, DOGPILE!" yelled out Dr. Carpenter-Belman.
    Dr. Carpenter-Belman and Jonathan Walrus tackled the Atavus amid their own snickers and giggles. Tweedledee-Augur and Tweedledum-Liam also jumped onto the dogpile.
    "This IS fun!" Tweedledee-Augur bounced up and down.
    "Yeah, um . . ." Tweedledum-Liam pulled out his cue card again, and read aloud from it. ". . . I think we should take a field trip."
    "Where to?" Maiya pressed.
    "To the Kingdom of Skrills!" suggested Dr. Carpenter-Belman.
    "Oh yeah! The Kingdom of Skrills!" Jonathan Walrus pumped his fist into the air and then turned to the Atavus. "How does that sound to you, Atavus?"
    The Atavus ran away screaming like an insane monster - - which he was.
    "Well then," Tweedledee-Augur declared, "onto the Kingdom of Skrills. Onward and forward."

    * * *

    After Maiya, Tweedledee-Augur, Tweedledum-Liam, Jonathan Walrus, and Dr. Carpenter-Belman had made a lengthy journey across a wide valley, they were greeted at the golden gates leading into the Kingdom of Skrills. A female drone implant with short, strawberry blond hair met them at the gate entrance. She had an ear/neck skrill attached to her body, and another skrill permanently wrapped around her arm.
    "You may not enter," the drone implant spoke to them flatly.
    "Ahem!" Tweedledee-Augur cleared his throat. "We are VIPs."
    "State your business here." The implant looked at them expectantly.
    "We have a secret weapon that can defeat and exterminate the Jaridian race," lied Dr. Carpenter-Belman.
    "Okay then." The female implant moved aside, allowing the group to pass through the kingdom's gates.
    "So who does this . . . Kingdom of Skrills belong to?" Maiya asked, as they headed into the kingdom.
    "The King and Queen of Skrills, of course," Tweedledum-Liam answered.
    "Oh, did we mention that they're evil?" added Tweedledee-Augur non-chalantly.
    "What?!" Maiya looked scared.
    "Just don't make eye contact with them," advised Jonathan Walrus.
    In the distance was a magnificent palace made of virtual glass. Several drone implants passed by the group, traveling to and from the palace.
    "I don't think we should visit the palace today," Dr. Carpenter-Belman opinionated. "The Queen of Skrills might be in a bad mood and she may try to kill us."
    "That wouldn't be very fun," admitted Tweedledee-Augur.
    Suddenly, the sound of Taelon pipes playing echoed through the kingdom.
    "Oh no! The King and Queen are coming!" shouted Tweedledum-Liam.
    Two vindictive-looking Taelons adorned in royal attire abruptly came flouncing toward them. The royal Companions were escorted by a hoard of skrill-bearing implants.
    "Who are you?" Maiya interrogated them.
    "You don't know who I am?!" scoffed the King in disbelief. "I am Zo'or the King of Skrills."
    "And I am Le'er the Queen of Skrills," spoke up the other one.
    Maiya burst out laughing.
    "Off with her head!" Le'er the Queen of Skrills ordered her implants.
    The implants extended their arms and aimed their skrills at Maiya.
    "No, don't hurt her!" cried out Dr. Carpenter-Belman.
    "She's new to this kingdom, she doesn't know your stupid rules yet," Jonathan Walrus pointed out.
    "Well, there is one way that we may spare your meager life," smirked Zo'or the King of Skrills.
    "And what's that?" Maiya retorted bitterly.
    "You must defeat me in a game of Foovlashaa," Le'er the Queen of Skrills told Maiya.
    "But I've never played Foovlashaa before!" complained Maiya.
    "Perfect!" cackled Le'er the Queen of Skrills, with a sinister gleam of satisfaction in her eye.
    At that moment, Holo-Lili appeared out of nowhere dressed in a black-and-white striped referee's uniform. She blew a holographic virtual whistle.
    TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!
    "Let the games begin!" announced Holo-Lili.
    As if by magic, Maiya and Le'er the Queen of Skrills were transported to a Foovlashaa-setup in the middle of a fragrant rose garden. Gathered around them were Da'an the March Taelon, Tweedledee-Augur, Tweedledum-Liam, Mad Hatter Sandoval, Joyce the Cheshire Cat, La'an the Mock Taelon, Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar, Jonathan Walrus, Dr. Julianne Carpenter-Belman, Holo-Lili, Sir Joshua Doors the White Knight, Duchess Beckett, Chef Park, Agent Lassiter-Dormouse, Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck, the Atavus, and Zo'or the King of Skrills. Humpty Dumpty was even there! In addition, dozens of implants, Taelons, Jaridians, glow-bugs, and Jaridian replicants had also assembled to watch the games.
    Le'er the Queen of Skrills and Maiya began playing a rigorous game of Foovlashaa. Maiya's newly-acquired powers enabled her to move her hand more quickly during the game, but the queen was more experienced and she executed even more rapid movements.
    "So I have to actually beat you in this game?" Maiya inquired as they played.
    Le'er the Queen of Skrills rolled her eyes.
    "What a silly question!" laughed Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar.
    "Most decidedly so!" agreed the Atavus.
    "Ha! I am victorious!" Le'er the Queen of Skrills had just beaten Maiya and won at Foovlashaa.
    "Um . . . can we try for best of three?" gulped Maiya nervously.
    In another second, lively flamenco music began blaring through the air.
    "Oh, and we know what that means!" Jonathan Walrus announced. "Guess what time it is! Time for . . ."
    "Dance marathon!!!" squealed Dr. Carpenter-Belman.
    The doctor grabbed Jonathan Walrus and they began twirling around wildly in circles. Captain Lili Marquette-Caterpillar was dancing with Holo-Lili. Tweedledee-Augur and Tweedledum-Liam also were jigging together.
    Zo'or the King of Skrills pulled Maiya into the center of the garden. "Come, my dear. You shall dance with me before your execution."
    Before Maiya could protest, Zo'or the King of Skrills commenced with leading her through some complicated yet expressive flamenco dancing steps.
    Meanwhile, Mad Hatter Sandoval was contentfully licking a colorful lollipop.
    "What is that, Mad Hatter Sandoval?" asked La'an the Mock Taelon.
    "They're Sando-Lollies," explained Mad Hatter Sandoval. "Have one." He extended a Sando-Lolly to her.
    La'an the Mock Taelon took a lick of the Sando-Lolly. "Mmm, delicious," she commented. "These are better than the Taelon glow-pops."
    "Those look good." Da'an the March Taelon tried a Sando-Lolly and was instantly addicted to them.
    "Anyone else want any?" Mad Hatter Sandoval offered the group.
    "Not me," declined Joyce the Cheshire Cat. "I have to keep my figure. I don't want to get too fat. If I eat a Sando-Lolly, I'll become fatter than I already am!"
    "I would have one," explained Duchess Beckett, "but me skrill isn't hungry at the moment. And the moral of that is . . . never feed your CVI too much sugar or bicarbonated sodium."
    "Pepper! More pepper!" Chef Park called out.
    "No, pepper makes me sneeze," insisted Agent Lassiter-Dormouse. "I'll have a Sando-Lolly instead."
    "Yucky! Sando-Lollies are gross!" Humpty Dumpty protested.
    Mad Hatter Sandoval glared at Humpty Dumpty. "Shut up, or I'll fry you over-easy!!!"
    "Don't fight," spoke Madame Kwai Ling Cluck-Cluck. "You're giving me a headache."
    "I say we get back to business," Sir Joshua Doors the White Knight piped up. "Don't we have a young girl to behead?" He nodded his head toward Maiya.
    "Ah, yes!" Le'er the Queen of Skrills wore an evil grin. "Off with her head!"
    "Kill her! Kill her!" chanted Humpty Dumpty.
    "Now hold on a minute, buster!" Maiya looked angry. "I didn't do anything wrong!"
    "Oh, you shall receive the chance to defend yourself," Zo'or the King of Skrills assured her.
    "Really?"
    "Yes. You will be given a fair trial, and then sentenced to death." The king smirked.
    "Off with her head!" repeated the queeen.
    "Pepper! More pepper!" Chef Park sneezed.
    "Give her the blue tank!" yelled Humpty Dumpty.
    Maiya bristled. "Can't we just turn him into an omelet?" She pointed at Humpty Dumpty.
    In another second, a jury box appeared alongside their outdoor "courtroom" in the garden. Several Taelons in their true forms sat inside the jury box, making up the jury.
    "Oh, yeah! This is a really fair trial!" Maiya patronized sarcastically.
    "Silence!" Zo'or the King of Skrills now wore a black judge's robe. "Maiya, you have been charged with disorderly conduct within Wonderland's borders, playing Foovlashaa without a license . . ."
    "You need a license to play Foovlashaa?!"
    "Oh, did I forget to mention that? Treason . . ."
    "I don't even live here! How can you charge me for treason?!"
    ". . . and having a big mouth! How do you plead?"
    "Not guilty!"
    "Guilty!" chorused the Taelons in the jury box.
    "Very well. Maiya, I therefore sentence you to death by beheading." Zo'or the King of Skrills looked up from his scroll with a big smirk on his face.
    Le'er the Queen of Skrills wheeled in a large guillotine. "Off with her head!"
    "Leprechauns and ants both like picnic baskets," recited Duchess Beckett. "And the moral of that is . . . never go to Ireland on an empty stomach."
    "This is ridiculous!" Maiya stomped her foot. "That's it! I've had enough of this! I'm outta here!"
    With that, Maiya sprinted away. Everyone began chasing after her - - all of the Wonderland residents and crazy creatures, Taelons, Jaridian replicants, glow-bugs, Jaridians, and anyone else imaginable. Maiya ran, blushing Taelon blue as she ascended upward into the air. She aimed her shakaravas at the Wonderland folks, and gave them a tremendous shakarava blast. All of the Wonderland residents and creatures who'd been chasing her toppled over like dominoes. Maiya floated closer to the familiar portal that she'd used to enter Wonderland in the first place, and jumped through it. She felt herself falling, hit her head on the ground, and all went black.

    * * *

    Maiya awoke in a hospital bed. As she opened her eyes, her vision was slightly blurred. Maiya's head was throbbing painfully and she could feel some large gauze wrapped around it.
    "How's our patient today?" she heard Dr. Belman's voice ask her.
    "It hurts . . ." Maiya started to say. She then stopped short, and let out a loud, piercing scream as her vision came back into focus.
    Joyce Belman was standing next to her mother in Maiya's hospital room . . . with a huge smile plastered on her face.

    * * *

    FIN
 

Copyright 1999 by Earthboy
Gene Roddenberry's Earth: Final Conflict is property of Tribune Entertainment Company and is produced by Roddenberry/Kirshner Productions. No monetary profit is being made from this work. No infringement is intended. If you sue me, I will banish you to the Kingdom of Skrills and then send Chef Park after you with her pepper shaker!