Not An Addict

By Shattered Faith

A pair of blue eyes that held everything except for innocence gazed over printed words that held the facts of her inevitable death within them. The first time that Darla had been human, she had calmly expected and invited death like and old friend promised to bring with it salvation. Now, in her second life as a human, the very thought of death gripped her cursed beating heart with cold iron claws that seemed to mercilessly embed their disease within her soul.

When Darla had been a vampire, she had once died at the end of Angel's stake. That wasn't the same as this death and what it brought. That time, she was once a vampire, and suddenly, she was nothing. No memory, no pain, no please, simply no existence. Darla knew it wouldn't happen the same way now. This time, she was plagued with a cursed soul that would probably send her to the depths of hell for eternity and beyond.

After giving Darla the news of her death, Holland had simply smiled at her with attempted sympathy, and then left only moments later. Hurt by his indifferent attitude, Darla resisted the urge to blink and release alien liquid of despair from her eyes. She knew that unless if reflected on their firm, Wolfram and Hart couldn't care less about what happened to her. That seemed wrong. They were the ones who brought her back to this life, the second life that she never asked to have. They were telling her now that it was her choice what she wanted to do. God, humans were worse than vampires! Her choice? She never asked for any of this, and death was coming again no matter what choice she made.

Taking in short breaths of the oxygen she wasn't used to needing, Darla looked towards the only one left in the room beside herself, Lindsey. Quickly, she whipped her head the other way. No, she couldn't look at him! She didn't want to see his eyes. She didn't want to share in the experience of his human emotions.

God how she wished things were back to what she thought as normal. Darla wanted to thirst. She wanted to feed, and she wanted to be easily satisfied. Blood had been everything, and she wished desperately that things were that simple again. Just a little blood, and everything would be alright.

Near Darla now, Lindsey's hands seemed to find hers on their own, and their fingers entwined. For Lindsey, that very moment was like a stroke of magic. They became one, and when he looked down, he couldn't tell which fingers were his, and which were hers. Fireworks pounded throughout his body, and he almost cried aloud for the incredible unfamiliar sensation that he felt. He loved this woman, as much as a man like his was capable of love. He loved her with every inch of his grinch-sized heart.

For Darla however, the act of their hands meeting was simply alien fingers mixing with her own like a violation of toxic waste. She roughly yanked her hand away, trying with all of her might to yank away anything her soul and heart could use to tie her to this world. That was the last thing Darla wanted, more human suffering. She didn't want to suffer any more.

Shocked, Lindsey was automatically seized back into reality, the force of the pull making him temporarily loose control of his muscles. He nearly fell forward into Darla's lap.

Like it happened every day for the last four hundred years of Darla's existence, her eyes were automatically drawn to the site of Lindsey's ripe neck. God, how she longed for the ability to bite into his pulsating flesh, to feel the warm, sleek satisfaction of his blood running deep into her body.

Lindsey quickly sat up, not wanting to put temptation so close to her already wanting mouth. It wasn't that he was afraid of her or what she might do in her current state, it was more a matter of respect, and his love for her. She was hurting so much already, he couldn't bear to be the source of any more of her pain.

That one moment of seeing his ripe, tender neck was more than enough time for Darla's mouth to faintly water with automatic anticipation. But she wouldn't, better yet, she couldn't. She physically could not bite into his neck and drink his blood because that blood wouldn't give this human body with it's beating heart anywhere near the same satisfaction.

Disgusted, Darla leapt up and started running towards the door.

"Darla," Lindsey started again, but it was too late. She knew what she wanted, what she needed. Not only did she need to live, but she needed to truly feel alive. She needed the ability to do the only thing that she knew how to do.

If Angel wouldn't turn her, Darla would find another vampire who would.

"Wait!" Lindsey desperately called after his beautiful blond Goddess, but there was nothing left that he could do. Where she once sat, there was nothing but space. Lindsey knew what she was setting off to do. Wiping the faint sweat off his brow, Lindsey stood up. "Good luck." He whispered. He hoped with all of his heart that she would find someone to do it for her. Then she would be free. Free of the pain her soul was causing her, free of the eternal hunger that only blood would calm, and free of the disease that waited her mortal body down.

"I love you." He finally said out loud, and turned away, back into the darkness that he could never escape.