By Shattered Faith Rating:: PG-13
Disclaimer:: I do not own any buffy or angel charactures, they belong to Joss Whedon and the WB.
Buffy tossed and turned, but sleep simply wouldn’t come to her. She groaned, and dragged her worn out body out of bed. Water. Water would be nice. She thought. Her hand mindlessly switched on the light.
“Aw, c’mon Buffy. Go to sleep already.” Willow groaned.
“Sorry Will.” Buffy replied, and turned the light off. Buffy stumbled her way to the bathroom.
“You would have made less noise with the light on, Buffy.” Willow murmured.
“Well, you told me to turn it off!”
“Uh, just hurry up, please!” Buffy sported a puzzled look as she tiptoed the rest of the way to the bathroom. She turned on the sink, and since they were out of Dixie cups, she stuck her head right under the faucet.
“God, I can even hear you gulping!” Willow complained. Buffy turned off the faucet and tiptoed back to bed, not forgetting to turn the light off on her way. She stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, but the silence was like Chinese water torture. She could only take so much before she blew.
“Willow, am I a slut?” She asked, out of the blue. Willow tossed around in her covers and stared at Buffy like she was on drugs.
“What are you talking about?”
“I went to bed with Parker without giving it a second thought. What if- what if that happens again?”
“Buffy, you of all people should know that if you don’t want something to happen, it isn’t going to.
“But the truth is Will, I liked it.”
“So, liking sex doesn’t make you a slut, Buffy. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. Parker is a poop-head. He’s a player. Next time, you’ll be more careful.”
“I guess.”
“Good night.”
“’Night.” Buffy watched Willow’s head crash against the pillow and immediately fall into a peaceful slumber. Buffy groaned, and closed her eyes. After what seemed like hours, she finally fell into sleep. Later, she would wish she hadn’t.
Buffy was climbing through the underground tunnels of Sunnydale, looking for something. She couldn’t stop her legs or her heart from racing, but she couldn’t quite place what she was looking for. In mid-daytime, for some reason she didn’t run into a single vampire. She finally found herself in a very nice, non-cryptic room. The floor was made of dirt, but for whatever reason, the white bedspread and pillows on the king-sized bed were sparkling clean. Buffy was drawn to its flawlessness. She swore she wasn’t making her legs move, but she was getting closer and closer to the bed. Nothing seemed better to her at that moment than to lay down.. To feel the soft comforter under her back .. Buffy closed her eyes and took in the bliss that was around her.
Someone else entered the room. Buffy heard the soft footsteps on the dirt, but she was simply too comfortable to open her eyes. Besides, nothing at all about these footsteps struck fear into her, it was all right. That someone slowly laid down on the bed beside her. She smiled, taking in the sweet smell of the visitor’s aftershave. His hand slowly entwined with hers, and she sighed. This was peace. The visitor was someone she not only knew, but someone she desperately wanted. For the life of her, she couldn’t place his name. Buffy and the visitor just laid there in silence, listening to the smooth rhythm of each other’s breathing. Yes, Buffy definitely knew this someone. And then it hit her. This was someone who was supposed to be her enemy, someone she was supposed to hate. But she didn’t hate him, she could never hate him. Deep down, buried all this time, were her true feelings for this complex vampire. Without a doubt now, she knew who this was. Buffy opened her eyes, and found herself staring straight at Spike.
“Hallo, cutie.” He said to her.
Buffy awoke with a start and blinked her eyes. She ran her fingers through her hair. “Oh my god.” She commented. The bright morning sun streamed down upon her bed, as if mocking her feelings of guilt and disgust. Willow came out of the bathroom and smiled.
“Ya finally awake? That’s what happens when you have too much caffeine at, you know. You don’t want to get up in the morning.” Buffy glared at Willow halfheartedly. “Oh, I’m just teasing you. Hurry up though, you don’t want to be late for psych.”
“Will, have you ever had dreams where you are doing something you would never do in real life? Or, even think things you would never think of?”
“Sure. This one dream I had a few months ago, I was really mad at society so I decided to rebel by going to class naked.”
“No, I mean, involving someone you don’t like, but in your dream you liked him?” Willow’s facial expression turned from light into serious.
“Oh Buffy, were you dreaming about Parker? You’ve got to get over him. Remember, he’s a jerk. He’s a . . a . . An asshole! He’s a big asshole!” Buffy looked at Willow with surprise. Willow smiled.
“Well, it’s true. So what did you dream?”
“It’s,” Buffy chickened out. “It’s nothing.” She said, refusing to meet Willow’s eyes. Fortunately, Willow didn’t pursue the subject.
“Oh, we’ve got to hurry!” Willow exclaimed. Buffy jumped out of bed.
“The three most powerful drives of a human being is the will to survive, sex, and food.” Professor Walsh told the class. “In our society, sex if frowned upon, made to look dirty and forbidden. The fact that it is forbidden makes us want it more. The sugar always seems much sweeter when the jar is almost out of reach.” Buffy’s eyes widened.
“Aint that the truth.” She said under her breath.
“Ms. Summers,” The professor said. “Is there something you would like to share with the class?” Buffy’s jaw dropped.
“I, uh, I was just saying that- um can I ask a question?”
“What’s on your mind?”
“Um, do people ever, um, fantasize about loving someone they really hate? Or someone they’re supposed to hate?”
“This draws back to what I just said, Ms. Summers, and also is a good example of it. Hidden sexual attraction would be triggering that feeling, and the fact that it is forbidden would amplify it.” Buffy caught Willow giving her a concerned glance, and she couldn’t tell if it was confusion or pity. Of coarse, Willow had no idea what Buffy was really thinking about.
Buffy really cared about Willow, she was her best friend and they shared a lot of secrets and hopes together. But. .Buffy just wasn’t sure about this. Buffy’s dream had been so against the law that Willow just might not understand. No .. Buffy couldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t understand.
At lunch, Buffy just picked at her food. She couldn’t get those feelings from her dream out of her head. She wanted him, no, more than that. She had felt like a part of him. Buffy shuddered. What was she saying? A part of Spike? She thought. Yeah. That’s a laugh.
“Aw, Buffy. You’ve got to snap out of it. He even tried getting me into bed, remember? I think that totally confirms my theory. He’s not a good guy, Buffy.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s not him, it’s.. “ She stopped. No, she couldn’t tell Willow.
“It’s what?”
“I don’t know. I’m just confused.”
“Hey, college Buffs!” Xander yelled from behind Willow. “And that’s no pun intended!” He plopped down on the bench. “How are my favorite ladies?”
“Buffy’s not so up.”
“Is it Parker? ‘Cause I can, you know, kick his butt or something!” In spite of herself, Buffy had to laugh.
“No, it’s not Parker. I’m just. . tired. Didn’t sleep good last night.” Xander rested his arm on the table.
“Oh.” He responded, disappointed that once again, there was a problem that he wasn’t in on.
Buffy played with her food some more. Willow’s eyes kept wandering around the cafeteria, hoping to spot Oz. Xander’s smile faded to a dull frown of disappointment, wishing that both of them would talk to him. All in all, no one was having a good time.
Spike stared down at the burnt doll in his hands. It didn’t matter what he did, his cold, dead heart could not let go of the memory of Drusilla. Two hundred years they were together. He would have done anything for her; he worshipped the dead bodies she fed on. He gave her all the heart he had.
And Drusilla . .she ripped it apart. It was that damned Slayer’s fault. He had failed to kill her, and with that failure came so much more grief. It was Buffy who had turned Angel back into Angelus, and it was Angelus who had constantly flirted with Drusilla, making her forget about the bond her and Spike shared. It was then that Spike made his fatal mistake, in order to defeat the Slayer. Dru said he’d gone soft, wasn’t “demon enough” for the likes of her.
Spike had tried to keep her interest. When Angelus and Buffy had their first battle, her took her and ran off. But she would have none of it; Spike would never forget when she made out with that horrid chaos demon, slime and ooze dripping down their entwined lips. She probably thought it was as disgusting as he did, but she did it just to hurt him.
Spike threw the doll. And now, he was back where he started last year. None of his attempts had helped one bit. It was a full circle for him, even down to the old warehouse in Sunnydale. Spike sighed, and rested his eyes.
Vampires don’t sleep per-say like humans do, but every now and then they do rest their eyes. And sometimes, they have dreams.
Spike was wandering through the underground tunnels during the day, and he ended up in a dingy old room. The odd thing was, there was a beautiful big bed, and the bedspread wasn’t dirty at all. But that wasn’t what really caught his eye. Someone was lying on the bed, as if she were expecting him. Drusilla! Spike thought, a rush of excitement bursting through him. Spike closed his eyes and gracefully walked over to the bed. He laid down next to the beautiful body; she was so silent and peaceful . . Spike opened his eyes and inwardly gasped. This wasn’t Dru, this was the Slayer! At first, Spike wanted to rise up and take care of her right there, but he got a rush of unexpected emotions. It was uncanny that she looked so beautiful and helpless. What grace and strength she had. And then it hit him, he wanted her! She was such a woman of power. She wasn’t that much different than him really . .they both desperately wanted to love, and be loved in return. And Spike felt a connection to her; he became mesmerized with watching her pretend to be asleep. Her chest slowly rising and falling .. rising and falling. . Without conscious interference, his hand guided towards hers and their fingers intertwined. Spike knew, despite their masked past, this was his true love. This was the girl of his dreams.
Spike sat up with a start. What the .. He laughed to himself. Yeah right, him and the Slayer. He hated the Slayer. He wanted her dead. She was the reason that Dru left him. He wanted to kill her. He hated her. .didn’t he? Spike stood up angrily. Never mind that, his mind was just playing tricks on him. Maybe it was a metaphor. Maybe what his dream really meant was that in order to kill her, he had to get close to her. Angelus once said something similar. “To kill this girl, you have to love her.” Well, Spike did want Buffy dead, and his approaches haven’t been successful so far. Maybe this would really work. Maybe he could pretend to make nice, and then go in for the kill.
Once again, Buffy could not force sleep upon herself. She simply lay wide-awake, staring at the small but complex ridges in the ceiling. Willow was fast asleep and peacefully snoring. Buffy frowned. She finally got out a flashlight and a novel and attempted to read. The words all seemed blurry to her, and nothing was registering in her mind. She frowned and gave up that attempt. Her mind began to wander into strange places. She missed Angel. She missed the feeling of comfort in her presence. She missed looking forward to the night, just so she could see him. She missed his beautiful blond hair. . Oh my god! Buffy thought to herself. No, not Spike again! What was happening to her?
Buffy stared out the window as the first rays of sunlight broke through the darkness. Meek and shy, as if testing their ground. Buffy sighed. Light was always feared in Sunnydale. She didn’t consciously know it, but something was calling to her. A want, a desire. Quietly so she wouldn’t wake Willow, Buffy slipped into some jeans. She crept to the door and eased herself out.
When she was outside the dorm, she relished the fresh sunlight that was steadily overpowering the darkness. She smiled. A balance. And yet, something was unbalanced. Like a robot without a mind, Buffy’s legs took her to an entrance of an underground tunnel. She crawled inside. In total darkness, it seemed as if she knew her way. A desire was calling to her, as if it were a person itself, some evil part of her that had escaped in order to pursue a deadly conquest. Her mind openly protested, but her body willingly moved forward. The darkness beckoned her on. By now, she knew where she was headed, to the room from her dream. And she knew who she’d find when she got there.
Sure enough, the tunnels came to and end, in a lovely room. Spike was sitting on the bed with the untouched white sheets, his back to her. Her Slayer instincts welled up inside of her, but secret desire pushed them away. As if in a trance she could not control, she moved forward and lightly put her hand upon his back. He flinched, but did not turn around. She leaned forward and smelled his hair. His head began to turn.
“Buffy, oh bloody ‘ell. . “
“Shh. Don’t talk.” Her voice commanded him. She blinked. She blinked. Was that even her who said that? Spike slowly turned around, and their noses were only inches apart. Buffy’s heart began to beat faster, and her breathing quickened. If vampires breathed, Buffy surely would have felt Spike’s breath as well. His hand slowly moved forward, and their fingers intertwined. Buffy gasped. It was the touch of magic. Buffy couldn’t tell where her fingers ended and his began.
Ever so slowly, their faces got closer and closer until their lips finally had to meet. Somewhere inside, the Slayer screamed out but passion overwhelmed her and she parted her lips and tilted her head back. His kiss traveled towards her neck, yet she had no fear that he would bite her. His tongue grazed her exposed skin, and at the moment, she completely surrendered herself to him. She didn’t even feel her clothes slip down to the floor . . or what should have been the chill of a vampire’s embrace. She surrendered herself to the bliss.
Buffy and Spike awoke at the same time. They were entwined in each other’s arms, but neither of them opened their eyes. In their hazy state between slumber and awareness, Buffy assumed she was in Angel’s arms and Spike assumed he was in Drusilla’s. At the same moment, they opened their eyes.
“Oh my god!” They yelled in unison. Immediately they scrambled underneath the sheets for their clothing, and pretended to be disgusted with each other. As soon as physically possible, Buffy ran full blast out of the tunnel and back to her life.
Both of them were fully aware of their attraction, but circumstances of life forced them to push it out of their memories. Buffy knew that the next time she saw Spike, she’d probably have to fight him, and hate him. Maybe even kill him.
It was Spike’s forbidden secret that he really did care for her a great deal. Maybe some day they would meet again in a darkened tunnel and share another night of blind passion, or maybe they would kill each other in a fit of rage. Life was like that .. The bliss of sin, wanting what is forbidden. Maybe someday the rules would change, but for now they’d have to comply with bitter reality. Vampire . .Slayer. Not a love mix, not at all.
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