19/04/02
Marcus - Yoda right? He's what, 900 years old in 'Empire'? Whatever, he's one very old geezer, like older than that old bastard that smells of piss who's always in front of you in the Q at the offy. He's like 9 queen mum's old. Anyway, given that the time line between episodes 1 and 5 is something like 40 years, and Yoda's about 900 years old, how come he looks so much younger in episode one than in 5? In episode one he looks positively prepubescent. In episode 5 he looks like crap. What's going on?
Alex - I saw this question coming a mile away.
What I want to know is – why are the 3rd Stage Guild Navigators hounding me like this? Okay so I’ve been
dealing a little spice melange, it’s not my fault if some ancient Jedi master decides to buy it en masse to supplement his orgies with the twin dancers of Alpha 9. Anyway, apparently Samuel Jackson told that nigger to go cold turkey down on some swamp planet. He’d have kicked the habit too, except that R2D2 snuck in a secret stash in the back of his hard drive.
Interestingly you can tell which Jedi’s were smoking particularily huge amounts of Sand Worm baccy – they are the ones who don’t unite with the Cosmic Force after death, but instead float around shimmering in the air quoting lines from the Furry Freak Brothers.
Tell Jabba I’ve got the money.
Later... ... oh it turns out there is a straight answer to this question. I've just been speaking to some Bounty Hunter (who was trying to scab cigarettes off me in Bib Fortuna's Wine Bar) and apparently that evil tree thing (the one that Luke goes into) on Dagobah or wherever, was ripe with the power of the dark side and Yoda took up shop near it so that the Sith couldn't sense his positive energies. Hence it also depleted them and so his age caught up with him. Well, sounds like BS to me. All I know is the little fucker still owes me 100 creds for porn mags I had to buy for him cause he couldn't
reach the top shelf.
22/11/00
Subgirlx - So what has been the highlight of your life so far???
Alex - The absolute highlight would definitely be the joy of receiving your question. Against which, falling in love, seeing my child born and having group sex with all the chicks in Baywatch comes a very poor second.
02/10/2000
Knobber - Do you enjoy the odd beef jerky snack, or maybe homemade scotch eggs?
Alex - You sick puppy. Beef Jerky is like green kryptonite to me, and you know it. However, cover me in mayonnaise and roll me around on a bed of scotch eggs and i'll be your grateful bitch.
Knobber - Thinking back to when you were a young boy, what would you say were the main influences of your life? Does any one memory stand out? You know, involving pop stars in espidriles?
Alex - You are a freaky guy Knobber. Have you been following me around all my life? Or are you one of those ex-girlfriends I thought I'd buried?
Merlin - What is the stone that burns?
Alex - Well... My 'rocks' burn whenever I watch 'Xena: Warrior Princess'. Does that count?
29/09/2000
Subgirlx - Tombi 2, is it possible to get more Fireflies after you have defeated the Evil Ice Pig????
Alex - No. But select the 'Cheats Menu' and type in T.O.S.S.E.R. to get a picture of Lara Croft with her tits out.
Tosser - "Get out of my house you fucking animal'' cried my wife as she threw my clothes on to the front lawn. I'm confused though. What sort of animal is capable of lying under a glass table having a wank while his wife's sister urinates on it ?
Alex - I need your sister-in law's name and telephone number NOW!!
28/09/2000
Anonymous - Oasis or the 13th Floor Elevators?
Alex - Hello? Haven't you been listening? I sing for A-ha... not those other fuckers.
27/09/2000
Anonymous - It's all very well these petrol protestors bleeting on about the price of fuel, but can you imagine what Pat Butcher would look like on the job?
Alex - So you have noticed the correspondance between the two events as well! For those who don't watch Eastenders, Pat's husband Roy has been 'on strike' in the bedroom for some time now. Don't worry friend, as soon as Pat let's good old Frank give her one, the tension will be released and the petrol protestors will desist.
Subgirlx - Have you ever fought with a younger sister on the stairs of your house resulting in her crashing through a pane of glass??
Alex - Why? Are you jealous?
26/09/2000
Knobber - so what are you going to wear to top of the pops?
Alex - Spandex. What are you wearing?
25/09/2000
The Dude - Alex, which pagan god do I pray to to get a higher tax return. And while I'm at it... how do I sell my soul (I can use the money) Alex - I say pray to Bacchus, God of Wine. Sure your tax-returns won't change, but then you ll be too pissed to give a fuck. So you want to sell your soul? What makes you think anyone is buying, you insignificant worm? I'll give you £20 in Argos vouchers and some Pokemon trading cards. Take it or leave it, it's my final offer.
Legs Eleven - If a tree falls in a forest and there's no one around to hear it, does it make any sound?? Also why did the chicken cross the road?
Alex - A tree falling? That s an interesting image. From a psychoanalytical point of view I'd say you have some issues about keeping your dick up. So what you're really asking is whether anybody will notice if you don't rise to the challenge? Oh course they will, unless your significant other is last month's Razzle. As for the chicken? Don't even get me started with that Roswell stuff. We all know what happened to Foghorn Leghorn, so stop trying to get me nailed by the Feds!
Plynch - couple of quickies , where does the light go when it goes out
and where the hell do all the dead birds go ?????
Alex - The light? Hey, I'm not falling for that one.
You remember what happened to H.P. Lovecraft? Don't try and trap me in
a parallel universe. You don't know who you're fucking with.
Dead birds? Look buster, I've never killed an ex-girlfriend and if I had
done, I sure as hell ain't telling you where the bodies are.
Subgirlx - Hi Alex, could you tell me what is the
purpose to life on this planet?
Alex - Well, I can tell you the purpose to life on OTHER planets.
For example, on Uranus the purpose is to grow hairy zits and then produce
humungous lumps of shit that block up the toilet bowl.
As for Earth? Well the most profound teaching I ever heard was
Man - Know Thyself . Which I think justifies masturbation.
Subgirlx - How exactly do you get that quiff in your hair
to look exactly like Morten Harket??
Alex - Yeah, it's weird how my quiff looks like A-ha front man Morten.
You can make out his little hands and feet, his gay Norwegian clothes and
everything. It s like being a Siamese twin, but if I cut him off he would die.