Ask... Andy
19/04/02
Marcus - Yoda right? He's what, 900 years old in 'Empire'? Whatever, he's one very old geezer, like older than that old bastard that smells of piss who's always in front of you in the Q at the offy. He's like 9 queen mum's old. Anyway, given that the time line between episodes 1 and 5 is something like 40 years, and Yoda's about 900 years old, how come he looks so much younger in episode one than in 5? In episode one he looks positively prepubescent. In episode 5 he looks like crap. What's going on?
Andy - Currently pondering answer
05/04/01
RearEntry - Who's your favorite wrestler?
Andy - 'I'm gonna punch you in the guts and drop you with an elbow' sang Eddie Spaghetti of the Supersuckers, of the famous and beloved wrestler, Voodoo Hoodoo Poopoo, whose finishing move was the much feared Inverted Lip Stretch. Without a doubt, my favorite fighter. During one of his more memorable bouts, commentators squawked in amazement, claiming that he hit his opponent, the Atomic Lover, so hard that he knocked out a chromosome, before rendering them speechless while shoving a chair leg down his unconcious opponent's, by now, very bruised urethra. He died recently of a collagen overdose - being unaware of the fact that you aren't supposed to heat in up in a spoon and inject it into arteries, Voodoo Hoodoo Poopoo did exactly that and split his left ventricle. The world of wrestling is a less colourful place without his presence.
13/10/2000
Lotje - When is Rolf returning my "Jiskefet" video's??
Andy - Rolf?
Anonymous - Why have the bud adverts changed from
those fine animals trying to kill each other to guys screaming
down phones?
Also did the frogs get killed?
One more thing, please explain the latest song, who let the dogs
out. What the hell is that all about.
Andy - I think Ozzy wrote a paen to the ever evolving world
of beer marketing on Black Sabbath's seminal Volume 4 album,
called 'Changes'. Listen to that and you'll see why the screaming lads
replaced the burping toads. The frogs were not killed by the way-
Finlay Quaye merely beamed them up for use as quality testers for his
latest CD and as for who let the dogs out, well, those anti-vivisection
types are a bit prickly sometimes.
Anonymous - We all think Frank Goos has tatooes.
But does he have:
a)A small thistle on his thigh
b)ACAB on his forehead
c)The red hand of Ulster on his forearm
d)A naked mermaid on his right arm and a skeleton riding a
motorbike into some flames on his left along with the grim reaper
on a big fuck off horse charging towards a pertrified naked Netfinity
on his back.
Andy - I consulted my brother on this one and we believe
that he's got a metallic mushroom with barbed wire wrapped
around it on his wrist. Could be way off the mark though.
Anonymous - Dear Andrew, I've no willy. Can you help?
Andy - As luck would have it, Im currently tinkering with
body-science. I recently grafted a pillow to Bert Reynold's house
maid's lumbar and even though the results are inconclusive and
covered in blood, I can try to stitch the stolen man-appendage of
your choice (I have a wide selection of corpses in black pastic bags
in my lock-up in Maryhill for your perusal) to the pant-region. I am
assuming you're a bloke of course. If you're a lady, then you'll have
to do a reverse Silence of the Lambs type thing and skin fat men.
Im not touching that kettle of fish with a barge pole.
12/10/2000
Anonymous - Bare knuckle or Queensbury rules?
Andy - Oho! Id have to go for bare knuckle - are you starting?
All in rules, pal. Kicking, biting the whole works. On the cobbles or in a
ring, it don't matter to me you slag! What? ONE GOOD FIST IN THE
MOUTH AND YOU'LL LOSE INTEREST LIKE ANYONE ELSE!
Anonymous - Andy...
1)When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
2)Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
3)If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Andy - 1) Why are you doing this to me? The theory goes is that
the sign making overlords have emergency signs or 'spares' as they term
them, in case of such a happenstance. Stand at the back of the class,
you bilious and untalented sex criminal.
2) Im going to make you very sore if the third question is shite.
3) Nude turtles? Shell theft? Sounds a bit dodgy, boss.This all sounds
like it should be photographed and displayed in the red light district in
Amsterdam. As well you know.
Chris - Which band is better, super suckers or Queens of the Stoneage
or IRON MAIDEN?
Andy - My friend, even though you capitalise Iron Maiden and are
armed with the knowledge that Number Of The Beast was my first album,
I have to bow my head in pity at your insistence on living in the era of past
metal glories. Its got to be the Supersuckers, bitch.
Paddy - ive just shat on the floor. would it be possible for someone
to come up and clean it up?
Andy - No worries mate. Ill send the Naughty Poo Poo Games
cleaning squad straight over. Did any of the arse-muck hit you? Bad boy...
Anonymous - Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Andy - Tradition has it, that gorillas and simians in general, practise
the ancient art of 'tree snorting'. To facilitate ease of tree entry to the nasal
canals, the pink-arsed wonders of nature will typically insert a baby tractorlet
(juice free of course!) into each nostril for three to eight fortnights. Don't you
ever watch Wildlife on One on acid? Jesus...
11/10/2000
Anonymous - 1.What are the official rules of Porno 'soapy' Twister?
2.I was walking down the street today and I was compelled to shout:
"VOORZICHTIG BEHANDELEN" at an old woman, what does this mean
and where did it come from, am I possessed by Treat Williams, star of
'The Substitute 2'?
3.What is the meaning of life is probably your most asked question but
what is the meaning of Onion Dodging?
Andy - 3. Onion dodging is a very old North Ameican Indian
Potomac tribe's rite of vegetative passage. It originates from micro-buffalo
catapulters who roam the imaginary plains of Khuntata.
2. No - Treat Williams, star of the Substitute 2 is still alive. For the time being.
1. Now then. The rules of porno 'Soapy' Twister are complex. You must
count the man's Johnson and the lady's front danglations as limbs, and
must have Fairy Liquid sprayed at them periodically.
Not much different from proper Twister.
Dirk Diggler - Yo Andy,
What if like, da earth right, was like eeuhm flat?
Andy - Then those pre-historic lads who were scared to sail too
far into the horizon would be the talk of Navigation town. They would
have gloated, drank wine, blew soap bubbles and rubbed each other.
Lotje - Andy *sigh*
It's been about 3 month's since I've left the IBM-playgrounds, but I still
have wet dreams about you, I can't get you off my mind. What can I do
about these lingering, hot and extremely sexual thoughts and fantasies
that I have about you???
Love, Lotje.
Andy - Lotje, picture this if you will. Me, naked, on a spacehopper,
covered in faeces being smacked on the rump by Jean-Paul Gautier with
a table tennis raquet while I watch shaven monkey feltching. Thats how I
get my jollies. Has that image helped? If that hasn't helped, you might
as well just come on over and indulge yourself. I'll be hiding from my wife
behind a pile of used wellington boots in my potting shed if you need me..
10/10/2000
Subgirlx - So Andy, my question is:
D'ya know what I saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw?
Andy - The only way I could know what you saw is if I found
a small cupboard behind an old filing cabinet that housed a tunnel
that led straight into the Shatner's Bassoon area of your brain, which
would allow me climb directly into your head behind the eye, enabling
me to see what you 'saaaaaaaaaaw', a la 'Being John Malcovic'. I also
know that you saw children's heads off.
11/08/00
Analwarrior - Andy, Just to let you know, I fired Sphincter Boy last week. I caught
him stealing my rectal cream. So I am now on the look out for a new sidekick,
so if you want to pull on those tights again, I'm sure I can find a place for you in the Crap Cave.
Your special friend - ANAL WARRIOR, Defender of Uranus
Andy - Listen pal, I don't care how mighty your faecal powers are.
This isn't a message board - its Q&A, so just wipe your arse and sling yer 'ook before I unleash
some proper rectal misery up your marmite motorway.
Subgirlx - I couldn't help notice reference to a message board, for your information
the Smoke Room is now open and ready for discussion.... so what are you waiting for? Christmas??
Thebhoys67 - 1.When did this all begin?
2.Who is the sphincter boy and where did he come from?
3.When is a doughnut not a doughnut? And what do they do with the middle bit?
4.Who lives in Franks side-burns? Could it be Elvis?
5.Is it Friday yet?
6.If I stick my veiny bang stick in her ear, will I get sherbet?
Live long and Prosper, die you and fester.. Badmuthafuka!
Andy - 1. I was tinkering with some nose sherbet and I just blew too hard.
2. Sphincter Boy is Anal Warrior's sidekick - he's from the colon region. Hmm.
3. A doughnut is always a doughnut unless the boundaries have changed.
The middle bit is melted down to forge space-crumpets.
4. Elvis rented for a while, but Jimmy Page is now Frank's in-sideburns guitarist.
Listen carefully when he passes. You'll probably hear him jamming with Bonnie Langford's
backing band, pissed up on booze.
5. It is, my friend. Go home and have a raw mince rubdown. I know I will.
6. No mate. Just a runny discharge that glows and hums faintly. Try putting some mind worms
down her Shatner's Basoon. Bingo.
Jenni - Dear Andy, I was just wondering what your thoughts on red-headed
women as I myself am a very good looking one!?! Please help! : 0X
Andy - Red-headed women? Like radiation skin? Is your whole head red?
Thats replusive. You could look like Carole Voordeman for all it matters luv, but if you slap on a
bit of foundation, wear some leopard skin boots and bring some Swarfiga in a PVC handbag,
I'll meet you for a yap about it behind the fag machine in The Farting Daschund on Friday,
when the wife heads out for bingo.
10/08/00
Funkymunky - Aright mucker....answer me this and answer me no more
Whats all this talk about about standardised jism across the European Community. If those
bloody Eurocrats think that I want a dense, lumpy consistency to my jiz, then they've got
another think "coming". How is one supposed to splatter a birds face with their runny love-liquid if
its got the consistency of Gloy Glue ??? I mean can you imagine your fair lady's face if she
has to chew before swallowing. Discuss.
Andy - Standardised jism? Lumpy Gloy Glue? Chew before swallowing?
Outrage, piffle and damn baby batter prejudice, FunkyMunky. Rhubarb, Pete Postlethwaite
and brewhaha. I would discuss it, but actions speak louder than words, so me and you are
heading down to the MP for Jizz's house, cocking our jazz cannons and firing a few warning
bolts across his missus' neck. My fair lady doesn't do that kind of thing by the way. Again, my
lawyers are on the case. Eurocrat? Thats just a dirty word. And so is crevice.
Gangstar20 - 1. How do you shave a carrot sensually so it likes you?
2. How can you prove evolution?
3. Is this your web site?
4. How many teeth does a finch have?
5. On a serious note, how the hell does that street U.S.A magic man do the thing with the
cards and the car, you know throw the card at the car and the next thing you know it is
inside the car, ahhh tell me...
Andy - 1. First lather it with warm soapy suds, drop a quaalude in its
Babysham and act like a pimp.
2. God did it - I wouldn't mess wi' him like. Darwin tried to say man came from monkeys
and look what happened to him. Sudden spleen rupture followed by a cannibal raid. Believe.
3. No, its Subgirl's - good innit? No. I hope your birthdays suck.
4. A finch has one fang, located in the central beak area.
5. I understand he uses time disortion, mass hypnosis, mind trickery, skullduggery, tomfoolery,
higgledy-piggledy and other mystical powers an' that. Also, he implements modern robot
techniques applying science and formula type shenanigans and strings covered in dog spit.
Lynchp - how old am i
Andy - On the Richter Scale, about 8, Mr Chernobyl-Anus.
Cainoa - 1.- How can I get a really cheap flight to Lima - Peru ?
2.- Who is Natty Dread?
3.- What's the best beach near Creete (Greece)?
Andy - 1. By nailing your head to the hind limbs of Aladdins' monkey,
Apu, just at the point of take off. Then pull a gun on the gravity defying thug and demand
passage to the destination of your choice.
2. Some fella, that has manky, yet groovy rasta hair. I think. Isn't he? My mother-in-law's so fat etc.
3. The best beach, near Crete, Greece is without doubt the
Hakimopopoloushumustahiniplatesmashingidiotsoflopolous beach where the sand is magentic
and plays crazy games with the plate in my head. How the fuck would I know?
I know where Crete is though, and I know where you live. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Anonymous - so.....Andy..... what will you be up to on..hmm..
let's say Friday night around 03.00 o'clock?? I know it's quite a tricky question,
but please do your best to answer it.....
Andy - With a bit of luck Ill have awoken from my wanking-induced coma,
so I'll see you behind the chemical toilets - I'll have a pair of yellow mairgolds on.
mcleodd - Is it wrong to have sex with a bear if you have been hypnotised ?
Andy - This is much the same as the question 'If an alien landed in your
back garden, could you be tried for murder if you shot it?'. Frankly, I see nothing wrong with it,
as long as it has a good personality. And a wazzo pair of jugs. Go forth, be hynotized, jizz over
a bear and its a tenner or your wife finds out. I have the photos in a letter addressed to
Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt.
Jungleboy99 - Andy, what does it mean when the answer is '42'..... JB99
Andy - When the answer is 42, one must retort with 'What is the question?'.
One of the infinite possiblities is that the question is 'How high is a monkey jungle-fuck's IQ?'.
Another would be 'What is the product of six and seven?'. And yet another would be 'In the
realm of human existence, given all the information related to us through history, science and
implied occurences, taking into account the notion that life is illusory, therefore anything of a
concious nature, be it in tangile, abstract or otherwise form, how many beatings will I get from
Andy for asking a 'wacky' question'?. So, the answer is, you get a good shoeing.
09/08/00
Subgirlx - What's your favourite food?
Andy - I can often be found nibbling on a soupçon of trout eyelids,
crab guts with a piquant camel vomit dressing. Thank you for your
bland, inane, unimagintive warblings. It reflects greatly on your lack of
personality, trumpet awareness and wife swapping capabilities. Leave it.