19/04/02
Marcus - Yoda right? He's what, 900 years old in 'Empire'? Whatever, he's one very old geezer, like older than that old bastard that smells of piss who's always in front of you in the Q at the offy. He's like 9 queen mum's old. Anyway, given that the time line between episodes 1 and 5 is something like 40 years, and Yoda's about 900 years old, how come he looks so much younger in episode one than in 5? In episode one he looks positively prepubescent. In episode 5 he looks like crap. What's going on?
Blue Wolf - Ah I can see that your mind is sharp - the force is strong in you young Padawan. However you must not doubt the great master that is Lucas.
In fact there is a simple reason for Yoda's increasing resemblance to a pitted medjool date as the series advances.
As you will remember from Empire Strikes Back Yoda chooses to live on the swamp planet of Dagobah. What is not made clear is the reason for Yoda's departure from the salubrious surroundings of the Jedi temple on Coruscant to what is little more than the armpit of the solar system.
The reason is more surprising than you may think. For many years Yoda has been conducting secret experiments with the force. He believes there to be a great imbalance in the force and sets about trying to find new ways to redress this balance. It is not clear which side of the force Yoda considers to be stronger but what is clear is that he has discovered that small amounts of raw force can be produced by capturing a Wamprat and sticking his thumb up its ass.
Apparently that really pisses it off.
Pissed off wamprats not withstanding the Jedi Council, though pleased with Yoda's research, decide that perhaps he should continue his antisocial research in an area where his subjects are more abundant and where they are less likely to be treated to the sight of him sniffing his thumbnails.
Yoda seeing this as the ultimate endorsement of his research throws himself into the project with a renewed vigor, soon discovering that in fact greater yield can be attained by buggering the hapless wamprats into unconsciousness. That in itself would not be enough to wrinkle such a resilient Jedi master but Yoda takes it one stage too far. Disgruntled by the bites and scratches he receives from the freshly violated wamprats he begins an experiment in selective Breeding and eventually ends up with a large pack of insatiably horny for a bit of Green luvin, white, Lab, Wamprats.
By the Time Luke visits him on Dagobah Yoda was already, not only exhausted himself, but driven the Wamprat species to extinction as they refuse to mate with anything that isn't green with pointy ears.
If anybody doubt this to be true - think back to those scenes in the Empire Strikes Back when Luke is running through the swamps with a clearly Horny Yoda "Riding" him into Jedi submission.
We shouldn't deny Yoda this last dry Hump .... after all he did give back to the universe far more than the average being.
04/04/01
Anonymous - Why does your screensaver say you are gone? Were you ever here to begin with or just a fragment of our fevered imagination?
Blue Wolf - Reality is just a question of perception. Imagination is the tool we use to perceive our fantasies. Therefore my existence was at best a fantasy, and ever more shall remain so.
01/11/00
Anonymous - So tell us Blue Wolf, what was the deal with Paul Lynch??
Blue Wolf - Very clever! However this mask I wear is well known and I fear that it's countenance proclaims my face as well the one that god gave. That said I wear it in a place little known and so fear only the gaze of friends - or at least those who would call themselves friends so long as thier ends are met. So - friends - let me meet your ends and throw my ravaged reputation on the fires of your mercy. Paul was given a second final chance - he was told to make up the 8 hours he owed on a schedule - twice he failed to come in on time. end of story. now he is gone.
26/10/00
DamnOne - What does the word 'chips' signify?
Blue Wolf - That hurts! leave my head alone ... you know very well that I am dyslexic and that is desperately unfair! All I want to do is run around killing things, sniffing the air and ocasionally licking my balls but oh no .. you have to go spring a question like that on me. What does the word chips signify! I..I ...I .......I ..........I need to lie down... If you have found the portal on the seven and halfth floor then get out! this is my head! I will not be your puppet.
Anonymous> - Wolf, why don't my farts smell like daisies??
Blue Wolf - Because daisy has a far better diet than you I expect. I have always admired that fine blend of Fibre and roughage which conspire to give Daisy's gasseous emmisions the cadence and bouqet of a fine summers eve spent drinking cider and eating over ripe crab apples in the pig shed.
22/08/00
Subgirlx - If you cross some parsley with a carrot soufle, what do
you get?
Blue Wolf - Well you may get a sore wrist: or a green and orange
thing: it may be edible: it may even be fun ... but it's not clever and it won't get you laid
so why the hell should I care?
Subgirlx - And if you had to choose between being stabbed with a
big knife once, or having loads of papercuts all over your body what would you choose?
Blue Wolf - mmm - tricky one - OK let's clarify... am I being stabbed
in the heart? the eye ball? the kiddneys or just the butt cheek? Will these papercuts be
administered by some nubile young french bird with white trousers or a sick fucked up
homeboy with with a welder's mask and a dental hygene problem? I think I have to
know ... in order to make a proper decision. I mean the papercuts are looking
favourable so long as nobody says Sarsons if you get my drift. However you may not
know this but I have actually survived 2 stabbings already and I didn't feel either of
them untill much later so .... it is a toughy. I presume you mean a dirty big stomach
puncturing stab ... maybe with a twist. Not like my 2 previous nicks. If so ... I think
papercuts death is not on my 30 list. although many of the activities on my 30 list may
well bring about that eventuallity. Have I answered your question?
21/08/00
Subgirlx - Blue Wolf, why is your fur so... blue?
Blue Wolf - Well let's start as we mean to go on ... with a most
dreadfully inane and otherwise unimaginative question. Why is my fur so blue?
As well to ask why is my skin so pink since I am not really a wolf. It may have
escaped your notice but there are few wolfs who can type. So let's get it over shall
we - the real question is why do I have such a dicky alias. The answer to that is far
easier, I, like my alias try to make the best use of my environment. My current
environs are the Internet or, if you like, cyberspace and e-mail. Now cyberspace
is ruled by spotty teenagers and middle-aged men who still buy comics - (you know
who you are) - So I use my alias to allow me a modicum of anonymity and of
course, when necessary, to fit in. Blue is just a colour I identify with and I didn't want to
be. Why Wolf .... don't ask. So in full answer to your query my fur is so blue because
it suits me to have it so. However I will be intrigued to find out if there is a Pink Wolf
out there ..... snarl.
Brownea - If you had to have sex with an animal, which one would
it be? And who's tougher - Mr T or Grant Mitchell?
Blue Wolf - Well I like to think of us all as animals - and we are -
so it would have to be that French bird in the white trousers. Oh Frenchie you so fine,
you so fine you blow my mind ..oh Frenchie.... oh Frenchie. (low growling noises,
a predatory stare and much drooling) Or maybe Charlotte Ullembrook ... but she'd
have to get rid of the monkeys.- ah what the heck they can watch.
- I pity the fool that think Grant Mitchell could even lick the boots of MR T!!!
Mcleodd - Would you suck a bloke off for three years non taxable
pay ?Think about it. All that money.
Blue Wolf - I told you before ... your not my type and I know you're
not good for the cash. Show me the money and I might think about givin you a hand job.