19/04/02
Marcus - Yoda right? He's what, 900 years old in 'Empire'? Whatever, he's one very old geezer, like older than that old bastard that smells of piss who's always in front of you in the Q at the offy. He's like 9 queen mum's old. Anyway, given that the time line between episodes 1 and 5 is something like 40 years, and Yoda's about 900 years old, how come he looks so much younger in episode one than in 5? In episode one he looks positively prepubescent. In episode 5 he looks like crap. What's going on?
Doug - Probably because in episode 5 Yoda was actually just back from tour with the Rolling Stones, filling in for Ronnie Woods who was in turn playing a Stormtrooper in Star Wars 13 : When Magicians Catch Fire. I am one of the few people who has never seen a Star Wars movie in it's entirety, usually ending up staring vacantly into space after an hour or so. So instead today I'm going to answer a different question altogether. The question being, am I the only person in the world who wants Mo Slater of Eastenders to go to jail for something she didn't do ? The answer is probably yes.
20/10/00
Rian - Hi Doug, Do You know where Rolf and Sarah are? I didn't hear from them since last night. I'm worried (I'm Rolf's mum You cee)
Doug - Rian, I have just spoken to Sarah so in a way there is nothing to worry about. However, I have kidnapped both Sarah and Rolf and although no harm has come to them yet I will shortly be removing digits and ears unless my demands have been met ( I want a couple of hundred quid or something ) Sarah informs me that Rolf was out in the pub last night and was last seen fighting with a policeman on Largs High Street after he resisted arrest for urinating into a traffic cone from the roof of an ambulance. Evening all.
17/10/2000
Anonymous - What goes up must come down. Francis Rossi once rubbed coke on his Kojac's roll neck and it didn't 'come down' for three full days. Ay! Anyway, I've misplaced Daniella Westbrook's septum - have you seen it anywhere?
Doug - For the first time ever as an Ask Expert I'm totally speechless......not only due to the ridiculousness of your question but because that image of Daniella Westbrook with no nose has reappeared in my head. I think you'll find they used it, along with all that weight Fat Pat supposedly 'lost' and grafted onto Crafty Cheeky Chuff Munching Car Salesman Frank Butcher's ears.
Anonymous - 'Ooh ahh just a little bit' is a famous Gina G line. Whats your favorite line from any talentless tunesmith's insane ranting?
Doug - I think for pure genius and poetism ( is that a word ? It is now ) not seen since the days of Morrisey and Marr and Lennon and Mccartney before them, it has to be this line from the seminal Alannis Morrisette single, 'Ironic'
'' It's like ten thousands spoons when all you need is a knife ''
How does she think them up ? Eat your heart out William Blake
16/10/2000
Subgirlx - What are the ingrediants of a knuckle sandwich? I would also like to know the ingrediants of a ham sandwich...
Doug - A knuckle sandwich ? Hmm. It depends really, although my favoured version is one which can be found in Anthony Worrall-Thompsons winter cookbook. Bread, gherkins, lettuce, tomatoes and the knuckles of three human hands. These can usually be bought from any good kebab house ( you know, if you're a local you can say 'Hey Kamal, I'll be honest, I know what goes into these Doner's. Do you mind getting me in a few hands the next time you send out for your consignment of earholes, eyeholes and arseholes ?) As for a man sandwich, this harks back to my days as a budding film director with Andy 'Jon Holmes' Browne. You take one gullable, open minded, bendy, pissed up female, two blokes, a video camera and a healthy dollop of mayo.......oh hold on, did you say HAM ?? Oh dear.......
16/08/00
Subgirlx - What will I get for my birthday?
Doug - Well it's often hard to predict what to get one for ones
birthday. My sister for example was bemused when I turned up for her eighteenth
with an exotic bird for her, when I'm sure I heard her say she was going out to get
steaming and was hoping for a cockatoo by the end of the evening. Anyway, I digress
I don't have a clue what you will get for your birthday but don't be surprised if you get
a massive cake and Rolf jumps out naked, because that's what he did on my birthday.
Razorhead - Doug, Can't remember the in's and out's of the
whole story, but briefly I accidentally killed an Alien, hide the body in the boot of the
car, lost the car, shot a van load of rozzers and stole the Aliens ship to escape.
But needless to say we all had a right good laugh about the whole thing and nothing
more was said.. While I'm here, can you tell which came first the chicken or the egg?
Or was it just a case of premature ejaculation??
Doug - You didn't mention the thing about the rozzers and the
ship theft!!! This story is sprouting arms and legs now, isn't it Mr Head ? Would you
like a lawyer to be present? This is a very tricky situation isn't it ? Now just tell me the
truth and we'll unchain you from the radiator. Can you prove where you were the
night of the Birmingham pub bombings ? You're five minutes away from being
wrapped in a mattress and beaten with a table leg you slag!
Confess. Right that's it.....shove him down the stairs Reg and get us a cuppa.
Gangstar20 - You have answered my previous questions
successfully, but Doug tell me,
1.Is it true that the Dr Zodiac is actually the Unabomber as well?
2.How many sea shells does it take to spell guttersnype?
3.What utensils do you need to turn your shower into the perfect sound studio?
4.If a dog wears a duffel jacket is it trying to start! Or is it just looking for it's new novel?
Doug - 1. This is a complete lie, whoever made up this rumour
should hang their head in shame. I went to Eton with Dr Zodiac, I played tennis with
him, fagged for him and swapped wives with him and he is a good sport and a jolly
good egg to boot. There was that incident a few years back when he was
institutionalised for standing on top of his local Shell garage and trying to shit into a tea
cup, but this was through no fault of his own, as he was addicted to crack at the
time and made a public apology weeks later on the Today programme before
whipping out his pink admiral and banging it on the TV camera shouting '' I AM
THE UNABOMBER !! '' So let's see you prove that one in court.
2. You'll be surprised to know that this is only the third time I have been asked
this question. Instead of giving you a direct answer, I'll make it into a sort of
treasure hunt for you. If you have a record player, buy Transmissions From
The Satellite Heart by the seminal Flaming Lips and go to track 3, 'Oh My
Pregnant Head ( Labia In The Sunlight )'. Wind this backwards after consuming
large quantities of downers then blow your head of with a gun. Go on, trust me.
3. A hamster, a condom, some lubricant and a bag of cocaine.
Or is that something else?
4. If a dog wears a duffle jacket be wary, because there are a gang of mods
and rockers going around at the moment smoking purple hearts and weeing
through peoples letter boxes and such like. These are no ordinary mods and
rockers however, these are dogs ! The beduffle coated ones are the mods
and can often be found in the Hammer and Fuck supping on pints of bitter and
listening to the Jam. The rockers just sit around wetting themselves all day and
talking about how things used to be cheaper in the olden days and that young
'uns nowadays have no respect for their rockers. We fought and died in a war
for those little buggers, they say as they dribble milky tea all over their nappies
and reminise about the places the used to go when it was all just fields. I think
I'm getting confused again between rockers and fighter pilots ? Or is it spiders ?
The Spiders From Mars by David Bowie. Ric Ocasek from the Cars produces
some pretty commendable albums these days. Who's Gonna Drive Me Home?
My wife's left me again.
15/08/00
Subgirlx - Due to some miscalcutaion of time and space, this
question has been abducted by aliens!! (har har) So please could Mr Razorhead
resend it and we will put it in it's proper place... here is the answer anyway...
Doug - Er.......are you sure it was actually an alien?
Port Glasgow? Strange being? Strange language? Do you realise it was probably
a teenager? Tale tell signs are strange blue or green markings on the hands
such as crucifixes, names , and slogans such as All Cops Are Bastards. If any
of these marking are evident, then fear not , it probably is a scummy pickpocket
junkie teenage tearaway, but if indeed it is an alien, then you have commited a
truly wicked crime. But I'll bung you a monkey and a bottle of Malt for it and we'll
say no more.
Gangstar20 - Doug help me out!
1 - What are the official rules of cucumber tennis?
2 - How do you get rich using a spatula?
3 - Can you tell me where the vegetable bandits live? They owe me money!
4 - On a serious note, how do you kill lots of winged shop flys, Lords of the Macabre!
Doug - 1) There are no official rules as such. When it was invented
in 1847 by Chris Evans and Nuno Bettencourt from Extreme, it was only for the
purpose of a charity edition of Pro Celebrity Tennis with Foggy from Last Of The
Summer wine. Chris Evans, ever the annoying prick thought it would be funny to
use cucumbers instead of tennis rackets. Much hilarity ensued involving one of
the ball boys, (Martin Clunes), slipping on a broken cucumber and Chris Evans
pretending to go mental at the umpire (Glenn Medieros) in a John McEnroe stylee.
We did laugh. This sport eventually caught on and can now be listened to on Radio
Four after the Shipping Forecast on Tuesdays. The only written rule is that you can't
insert the cucumber into an umpire for calling a bad decision, as the aforementioned
McEnroe did to Jeremy Spake from Airport during a clash with Ena Sharples from
Coronation Street.
2) I don't really think this is possible to be honest . You really have to have a good
business plan and financial backing to have a succeed in the world of spatula.
The only known case of a spatual millionaire is a Mr Patel from Watford who made
a few quid hiring it out for the set of Ready, Steady Cook. Mind you, he also won
the lottery so only about 56 quid of his amassed fortune can be credited to his
wooden friend. I suppose my doubts stem from a disasterous personal experience
trying to get rich using a spatula. Having made virtually no money, I ended up losing
£200 when I got your brothers ex-bird to thrash the living daylights out of me with it.
Looking back I now realise it was a foolish investment.
3) The vegetable bandits were last rumoured to be working down a chip shop and
claiming to be Elvis, but no proof was ever found and the chip shop disappeared
under cover of darkness in a windowless van late one night, a fate which may
befall you if I get anymore ridculous questions like that.
4) Start the car Norm......don't try running Gangstar, we've got the Cortina.
14/08/00
Subgirlx - Doug, why is your hair of such ginger colouration?
Doug - Oh brilliant, the unavoidable ginger question, I was really
looking forward to this moment. Probably the same reason you are unable to
strike up any meaningful relationships with fellow human beings. No seriously,
think it's something to do with an extra Y chromosome performing a sort of
osmosis with an X chromsome coupled with gene splicing which went on in the
late seventies and caused much gingerness as demonstrated by myself, Isla
Fisher from Home and Away and the ginger tosser from Game On. None of my
family are ginger, so I think this theory rings true, as told to me by the ginger
postman who used to carry out odd jobs for my mum when my dad was on
tour with Steely Dan. By the way, I was forced to grow the crap beard at gunpoint,
not my idea. You know what it's like when you're hanging about with Ozzy and
Mick, if it's not snorting broken glass, it's being forced to grow ginger beards.
Now sod off.
Brownea - A woman touched me over the weekend.
Whats all that about, like?
Doug - Er....well it's like this old chap, sometimes when a
mummy human and a daddy human love each other very much, reproduction
may take place. This may start with touching, giggling, kissing and fingers and tops.
You seem to have experienced one of these acts of love from what you tell me.
Next time, respond by touching her, and the giggling, kissing etc will follow on.
If you're lucky there might even be money shots, felching and double penetration,
but be patient. Anyway how did you not know all this already ? Is it anything to do
with the fact you stay in every weekend playing your play station, smoking weed
and wanking into jumper sleeves, only coming in contact with a woman when
your pizza gets delivered? You're a sad lonely individual Browne, get out and find
your self a woman before you wank yourself blind and end up an lonely old virgin
eating corned beef and doing brail crosswords all day wrapped in a spit covered
tartan blanket. Does this answer your question ?
Anonymous - Is it damaging to stand on your head for a really
really really long time?
Doug - Well it all depends on how long you're talking about. I once
went six days on my head simply to raise money for black homeless limbless blind
orphans and managed to gather almost £17, and no permanent damage was
evident apart from the totally, in my opinion, unconnected black outs weeks later
during which I would ask ladies to do handstands in busy shopping centres before
being beaten up by security and forced to put my trousers back on. I hope this
answers your deeply disturbing question