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Collecting All the Species
© 2011 Jeannette Jaquish
CHARACTERS
LARRY – Private Larry Zubrin, age 26-60 – with just a hangnail grip on sanity, news from Earth sends him over the edge .
FRIDAY- Lieutenant Tom Friday, age 30-60 - A man who has faced his demons and punishments in this planetary penitentiary and has self-acquired the reasonableness that has kept them alive for another day.
CAPTAIN- Brian Crusoe, age 30-65 – Once a respected officer, but the months of desperation have left him hopeless, a gone to seed, pathetic, panicky, beer-bellied drunk. Prone to swings of hysterical over dramatics and deep melancholy. Just wants off this God forsaken hellhole.
ROBINSON – Species Specialist Private Tycho Robinson - A handsome young man of 17 and a half. Naïve, eager, honest, simple-mindedly patriotic, and as over-confident as a youngster with his first Karate belt. He is thrilled to be on his first adult assignment visiting one of the planetary wonders of visited space.
(NOTE: Robinson, Friday, Larry and Captain must be played by males.)
DROGS – Planet creatures : Use small or medium sized, flexible, athletic actors.
1 ––
2 –-
3 –
4 – optional
5 - optional
(Drogs - eager to please, uncritical, unthinking, learn instantly to imitate. The men have taught them to do their manual chores for a pat on the head, including locating new specimens, killing and preserving them. Monkey & dog-like in personality and movement but try to make them look bizarre. See Costumes*.)
GOVERNESS RENFIELD, age 40-60, –like a strict English governess -- the chaperone of the Princess, however, afraid of her vengeance.
PRINCESS CONSTELLA, age 16 to 19 - The teenage daughter of the new dictator of the United Colonies of Earth. Surging with sexual desire, she yearns to escape her strict father and be free for a moment to oppress others.
COSTUMES
*Drogs: Just alien-looking paws and snouts and cover the rest of their bodies with the fellow’s cast off clothing ,
or even cover their entire bodies with loose clothing: black t-shirts upside-down over their faces (so they can see thru them). Long socks cover hands, feet arms legs. All skin is covered. Creatures hop about on all fours, making a creature noise. Add some foam rubber muscle lumps or spikes under their clothing, or tails sticking out to make them look less human.
If you can create whole body creature costumes – Wonderful! – just eliminate the lines about dressing them.
Larry, Friday, Captain: Standard button down drab identical uniform work shirts, trousers and boots, extremely stained, worn and poorly patched. Black undershirts, to explain the Drogs wearing black t-shirts on their heads.
Robinson: A new updated uniform, slightly spiffy, but designed for work, not show. Carries a pocket electronic device with a view screen.
Governess: A woman’s strict uniform skirt, button shirt & jacket.
Princess Constella: An elegant but comfortable, flattering, of a modest length but snuggly fitting, sturdy dress, a sophisticated fashionable sweater, elegant but comfortable shoes or dance slippers, jeweled necklace. Dress should allow a quick costume change.
TIME
The year is 2084, not so soon in the future. Mankind has not advanced, but declined culturally, while newly discovered advanced technology is in the hands of a cruel world dictator.
SETTING
The kitchen-work area of a military-science base on a remote planet.
A basic 2 or 3 sided set with some cupboards or shelves, and lots of stuff. It is set up for 8 men but that is only obvious by the number of things: 8 chairs, 8 cups, 8 helmets, etc., but only three of each thing seems in use. That the base is on an alien planet is not obvious except from many odd clues suggesting the changeable weather, flora, fauna and dangers: garden and cleaning tools mixed with weather gear and weapons such as a shovel, rake, shotgun, broom, bazooka, miners hats with lamps, floppy sun hat, dark glasses, parkas, raincoats, umbrellas, gas masks, machete, snow shovel with old swim trunks hanging off it, protective goggles, canteens, wood saws, power and hand tools, tool boxes, Frisbees, hose, crates or jugs marked with caustic or poison warnings, all leaning, hanging or stacked together, unusual plant clippings bearing fruit in a bucket with dried blood spilled down the side next to a mop – the mop head is on the floor with a 50-pound can of roofing tar or something on it so it is obvious no one ever mops.
The place is unkempt. Furniture includes a basic industrial table, or planks on boxes, and 4 simple metal 4-legged office-industrial chairs, used for meals and work. A very old, faded, grease & dust covered girly centerfold hangs, barely, on one wall, its folds turning to rips, a corner loose, its naughty bits obscured from the audience’s view by hanging things such as a sticky fly catcher, a flyswatter, ladle, an uncoiling hung rope, or mold spreading across the wall, and a tall dying plant growing in a broken toaster. Old schedules and notices and warnings, some with “U.C.E.” in the title, faded and stained, hang forgotten on the walls. Items are shelved under the wrong shelf labels. A wall clock labeled “Earth Time” is next to a strange calendar made from cutting the weeks of a regular 2084 calendar and adding a parallel strip of boxes denoting their planet’s day night cycle & temperature (Calendar design, Stars Chart & other mentioned papers are in Tech Notes.).
Producing this show is a great way to clean out the garage.
While tools and weapons seem plentiful, the cupboards in the kitchen side of the room have unusual empty spots among the clusters of cans of industrial liquids, long bolts, serving spoons and spatulas, and engineering books, as if armfuls of things are missing. What is missing? Nearly all the food. There is also an odd empty spot against the wall where the wall & floor is clean in the shape of a small bookcase about 3 foot wide by 4 foot tall. Lying in the clean spot on the floor are dropped sit-on-top objects such as salt & pepper shakers or spilled spice rack or a wind up timer. These empty spots are curious.
THE EXITS
There are three doorways: Outside Doorway, Bedrooms Doorway & Pantry Doorway. Outside Doorway could be an industrial strength door. The Pantry Doorway has a tattered curtain which is oddly draped because the missing cupboard, its back facing out, and stacked on top of it, the missing 4 chairs, are barricaded behind it, or instead of a cupboard, all the chairs could form the barricade. Doorway locations are not important, just spread apart.
As show begins a dial clock marked “Earth Time” is ticking away on the wall. Set the time on this clock for each scene. It is about 2:50 or 250 hours military time at the start of Scene 1.
SUNSET / MOONRISE SET
A semi-rocky hill on a lightweight flat, at least 6 foot high and 12 foot wide.
A platform the same height as the hill, behind the hill, wide enough for a person to recline on, so it appears they are atop the hill.
A fake flat-topped rock big enough for two people to sit on.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
COLLECTING ALL THE SPECIES
by Jeannette Jaquish, ©2011 Jeannette Jaquish
SCENE 1 – THE OUTPOST
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
FRIDAY
Larry? What are you doing in the pantry? Building a fort?
LARRY
(peering through barricade)
Go away! You don’t need this stuff but they’ll kill me!
CAPTAIN
Quiet out there!
FRIDAY
Larry, this is the last straw. We drew a chart!
(Sure enough there is a chart on the wall with drawn in stars showing good behavior.)
LARRY
I have to hide! They don’t want you. You’re safe. For now!
FRIDAY
Larry, you’re human. They know you’re human. They like you. Now come on out, before the Captain wakes up.
LARRY
You idiot! There’s no human rights anymore. I was a Planets’ Rights Party precinct committeeman. Just tell them I died. (sudden idea!) Friday! Make me a fake grave! Paint my name on a board and plant it on a mound of dirt. You’ll do that for me, won’t you Friday, ‘ol buddy?
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
CAPTAIN
What are you guys doing?
FRIDAY
Mornin’ Captain. Larry and I were re-organizing the pantry.
CAPTAIN
Oh, did that idiot barricade himself in again?! Get out of there Larry. There’s no Moon People coming to get you. (turns to look in the cupboard) We killed them all with the virus sweep … (sees the empty shelves) Larry!
(turns angrily and walks toward the barricade.)
FRIDAY
(stepping in his way)
That’s OK, Captain. Larry and I were just about to put all that stuff back.
CAPTAIN
(sniff) Peanut butter! We were saving that for my birthday!
(The Captain is strong. He knocks FRIDAY aside and flings the barricade chairs across the room, and swings the cupboard aside, spilling food containers from its shelves. LARRY has retreated into the darkness of the pantry as CAPTAIN steps in after him. CAPTAIN immediately backs out followed by LARRY pointing a rifle in his face, with an armful of all the other rifles.)
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
FRIDAY
It’s this cursed planet, this cursed assignment!
CAPTAIN
The abandonment. No supplies for months.
FRIDAY
No news. Did they blow themselves up?
LARRY
You’re wrong. Go look. They’ll be here soon. (panic swiftly returning) And they’re gonna kill me. I can’t just go hide in the wilderness. There’s too many poisonous, toothy, slithering… How would I sleep? Nothing I can build will keep them out. You gotta have sealed doors and windows. And the cold and the heat… It gets hot, you take off your thermals, you try to hang ‘em up somewhere. It gets cold, ya go to put ‘em on and they’re full of razor fleas. I’d have to have a sealed locker and how far could I drag one of those, as if you’d let me.
CAPTAIN
Larry! You can stay. We’re not mad. It’s almost over. Just a few more species to reach quota. The war has to end soon and MissionCom will reestablish contact and --
LARRY
Screams! They’re coming! They’re coming! Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said?
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
FRIDAY
Socks?
CAPTAIN
Yeah yeah.
(FRIDAY pulls off the socks and tosses shoes and socks thru the Bedrooms Doorway. CRUSOE begins emptying LARRY’s pants pockets; pulls out keys and a pocket knife.)
CAPTAIN
Well, we have a spare key to the rover again.
FRIDAY
I’ll take that pocket knife. Mine’s worthless. (CAPTAIN tosses the knife to him.) Did he piss his pants?
CAPTAIN
(sniff) Not much.
(CAPTAIN pulls a crumple-folded paper from another Larry pocket, opens it and suddenly stands, reading , looking more and more astounded, as FRIDAY pulls off LARRY’S trousers, revealing thermal long johns, and tosses the trousers thru the Bedrooms Doorway.
FRIDAY is ready to drag LARRY to the Outside Doorway and looks at CAPTAIN expecting help, then drags LARRY himself. At doorway he stands and cricks his back, whistles out the door and yells as if to a dog.)
FRIDAY
Hey, Stupid! That you? Yeah, Stupid! Stupid! Yeah, you’re a good boy, or girl, whatever. Hey dig me a grave. Yeah a big long hole, yeah, like the others over there. You know how. You know how. Here use the shovel… or don’t, do it your own way, I don’t care.
(FRIDAY finishes dragging LARRY offstage. RETURNS.)
Captain? Coffee? Now?
CAPTAIN
He was right. They are coming. The war is over.
FRIDAY
Over?
CAPTAIN
Over.
FRIDAY
The Earth still exists? They didn’t bomb it back to the Stone Age!
CAPTAIN
No. It’s a World Net release. Estimated 7 billion dead, and all the warring factions capitulating or eradicated.
FRIDAY
There’s an Earth, an Earth to go back to… (terrified) Who… Who won?
CAPTAIN
Retlith.
FRIDAY
Gunt Lastin Retlith is the new President and High Commander of the United Colonies of Earth?!!
CAPTAIN
Yeah, and of all that found alien technology.
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
CAPTAIN V.O.
Let go! Let me read it!
(FRIDAY ENTERS reading a ripped paper. CAPTAIN tries to get a look.)
CAPTAIN
When’s he coming?
FRIDAY
(Reads:) 8 hundred Earth time (glances up at “Earth Time” clock) … “Have specimens preserved, documented, and ready for inspection…”
CAPTAIN
What day?
FRIDAY
“If quota is not filled, assignment must be completed within existing budgetary disbursement.” That means no new supplies if we’re not ready!
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
CAPTAIN
Look at the origination code: this was sent from Earth May 1, 2084. Today’s Earth date is May 19. I know because I’ve been counting down to my birthday! Something delayed this message 18 days.
FRIDAY
Probably the CatoUnderRebels or InfidelAlignment hacked into MissionCom, or knocked out a relay satellite, and the backlog is automatically re-sending….
CAPTAIN
I don’t care if it’s Colonel Mustard with a crowbar! Fact is – This inspector is coming today????
FRIDAY
Yes, in less than 5 hours.
CAPTAIN
And if we flunk inspection we don’t get resupplied? (surrenders to despair) We’re gonna die here. Die of starvation in this I-Have-No-Mouth-But-I-Must-Scream theme park. Why didn’t we resort to cannibalism when we had the chance? Is Larry still above ground?
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
CAPTAIN
Yeah, well she knew me better. She wouldn’t be surprised at all at the condition I’m in now. Damn! I wished he’d taken after her. She was smart, resourceful. She saw through any deception and spoke her mind. If he was like her, he never would have doped out of college and joined the military for debt forgiveness. I wonder if they’ve told her. I don’t think they let any news into solitary.
FRIDAY
Oh, God!
CAPTAIN
Oh don’t tell me! What could be worse?
FRIDAY
Retlith and his daughter.
CAPTAIN
Yes?
FRIDAY
Coming here.
CAPTAIN
What? Why?
FRIDAY
Inspecting all the planetary outposts. Taking the Stage 2 Alien Hyper-Ion drive out for a spin, I suppose.
<
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
CAPTAIN
Aaack! I haven’t been sober for three years!
FRIDAY
(soothing)
Remember Rosie’s Cantina at Moon Base?
CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah. With the margaritas and the bubble show?
FRIDAY
Yes. That’s our new goal. You clean. I’ll finish the quota. Robinson will certify it and Retlith will approve it. And then – Mission Accomplished – we get to go home. Maybe we can catch a ride with Robinson.
CAPTAIN
You think so?
FRIDAY
I do. Now, I will round up the Drogs. Oh, Zerk! They’re still digging. I’ll send them to the Crevice, then bury Larry. You clean. (HE EXITS)
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
ROBINSON
(ENTERS)
Species Specialist Private Tycho Robinson, reporting. (salutes properly)
FRIDAY
(exuberant bear hug)
Private Robinson! So glad it’s you! I’m Lieutenant Tom Friday and this is Captain Brian Crusoe. He’s a little under the weather.
CAPTAIN
(holds up booze)
Medicinal!
FRIDAY
It’s great to see another human being. We’ve been marooned here with a broken transmitter and no communications for about 11 Earth months.
ROBINSON
Well, thank Retlith all that is over.
(FRIDAY & CRUSOE exchange disturbed glances at such an exclamation.)
After War is Peace and it’s back to business now! Reconstruction rocks!
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
ROBINSON
That’s why we need the resources from the planetary outposts – so I get to visit all the species collection sites. This is the best job ever! And I almost blew it. I knew your habitat was radiation-shielded by 15 meters of soil but I still overlooked the entrance and wandered around a while.
CAPTAIN
Yeah, hee hee, we’re hobbits!
FRIDAY
Well, that explains why the mailman stopped coming.
CAPTAIN
And the Jehovah’s Witnesses!
(ALL laugh.)
FRIDAY
Yeah, good thing you found us.
ROBINSON
Wouldn’t want to blow my first assignment by checking off Tempest-Figaro Base-One as expired. Then a new crew would come in a year and find you still here. I’d look pretty stupid.
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
ROBINSON
The Drogs? Who are they?
CAPTAIN
(sobbing again as he crawls into his seat)
You shoulda left me….
DROGS V.O.
( happy DROG noises)
FRIDAY
And speak of the Devils, here they are. Good! They can finish cleaning.
(ENTER DROGS from Outside Doorway, one carrying a bundle wrapped in half of a filthy old sheet. They noisily frolic about.)
FRIDAY
Oh, look! They brought us another specimen as well. Excellent! Only one more to go!
(to Drogs as if talking to a good dog:)
Here, give it to me. Show me what you got. Gimme the specimen.
(The DROG with the bundle gives it a shake and a sturdy strange dead animal rolls out. The other DROGS playfully pounce on it to tussle with it. )
Give it to me, NO DON’T RIP IT IN HALF! STOP!! STOP!!! Bad Drogs!
(they release it, cringing and whimpering)
Thank you! Good Drogs, Such good Drogs.
(They are suddenly lively again.)
You are such good Drogs that you get a crack- Hey,( with a touch of mischief) Private Robinson, why don’t you give them a cracker?
(hands him cracker container)
For being so good. Just lift up that black cloth – that covers their… heads, I guess you’d call it.
(DROGS jump up to ROBINSON who lifts a cover and sees its head.)
ROBINSON
Aaack! Is that its head?
FRIDAY
Yeah, ugly things aren’t they?
ROBINSON
They excrete and eat with the same orifice?
FRIDAY
Yeah they do other stuff with those orifices too.
CAPTAIN
(chuckling insanely)
Multi-use! Show him their door knob trick! Hee hee hee!
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
ROBINSON
I’d be tired, too, after collecting one thousand specimens.
FRIDAY
Oh, we did the collecting at first. We’d go slogging through the swamps and jungles, trying to snag the fanged and poisonous, flying, pouncing and sucking little monsters that inhabit this 7-layers-of-Hell planet. We’d trap or dart them, bring them back, usually thrashing around…
CAPTAIN
…and spitting!
FRIDAY
We’d immobilize them, drain out the body fluids, and infuse ‘em with anti-coagulant and antiseptic. Dangerous, smelly, dirty work. Lost seven,
CAPTAIN
Eight!
FRIDAY
Yeah, eight men.
CAPTAIN
Collecting about 70 specimens.
FRIDAY
Then we discovered the Drogs.
ROBINSON
These guys?
FRIDAY
Yeah, the Drogs. They’re top of the food chain here.
CAPTAIN
Just like us! Ha ha ha! Sob sob sob….
DROGS
(joining in the noise)
Hooowl!!!
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
CAPTAIN
What about the nightmares?
FRIDAY
……. I’ll tell them you have a fever and that’s why you’re screaming.
CAPTAIN
Sometimes I scream a long time… before I wake up. (To ROBINSON) Guess how the Drogs preserve the dead specimens?
ROBINSON
You’ve taught them how to use the medical equipment and inject the preservation fluid?
CAPTAIN
Have you heard of that wasp on Earth that paralyzes a beetle and eats out its guts while it’s still alive?
FRIDAY
Off to bed with you, Captain.
(starts helping him up and out the door)
CAPTAIN
They’ve got a moth here that does the same thing.
FRIDAY
Off to bed!
(shoves CAPTAIN-EXITS thru Bedroom Doorway)
This planet has two suns, as you know, tugging it into a circle-8 orbit around and between them, with additional wobble from the pull of its own three moons. Temperature and weather fluctuate wildly. The life forms have to be very adaptable. The Drogs adapt by copying or absorbing characteristics of other creatures, even plants. How they can change their own bodies, is amazing. Once they realized we wanted them to preserve other animals, they somehow grew the same venom sacs and proboscis as that moth. Maybe they ate it and absorbed its “DNA” – I don’t know. But now they can do it, when they couldn’t before.
They inject a paralysis venom, suck out the creature’s “blood” and inject their own antiseptic saliva.
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
(FRIDAY & ROBINSON stand, obviously affected by this beautiful girl. CAPTAIN can be seen peeking thru the doorway.)
FRIDAY
Yes, we did, thank you thank you, Corporal Renfield. We are honored to be in the presence of Princess Constella.
(PRINCESS is looking intently at nervous ROBINSON)
May I introduce our visiting Specialist Private Robinson? And I am Lieutenant Friday. Unfortunately, Captain Crusoe is very ill with a planetary bacteria…
CAPTAIN
(Offstage coughing and choking)
GOVERNESS
This does not seem to be a healthy environment.
CAPTAIN V.O.
Infectious! Cough cough!
GOVERNESS
It’s filthy. No offense.
FRIDAY
None taken.
PRINCESS
I’ve had 44 vaccinations, just this month, Corporal Renfield. I won’t get dirty.
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
ROBINSON
(terrified)
Pleased to meet you Princess Constella. May I interest the Princess in a game of Monopoly?
PRINCESS
Maybe later. Have you a land rover here?
ROBINSON
I’m afraid not.
(PRINCESS snaps fingers and flips up hand. THE MEN are frozen with fear.)
PRINCESS
Have you heard what happened to the mother of the child who blew out the candles on my birthday cake when I turned 6?
(FRIDAY hands her keys. She hands them to ROBINSON.)
PRINCESS
I think I’d like to see the sunset, Private Robinson. I understand that tonight both suns will be setting just as all three moons are rising. Such a spectacular astronomical display shouldn’t be missed, don’t you agree?
ROBINSON
It should be spectacular, of course, Princess. But there are dangers, wild animals, insects, temperature change, microbes--
PRINCESS
You’ll protect me.
(takes sweater, flipping it over her shoulder)
Let’s go. Before it gets “dark”.
(PRINCESS takes ROBINSON’S hand and pulls him as he looks back desperately to the men. THEY EXIT.)
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
PRINCESS
So, the centripetal pull of their mutual attraction is balanced by the centrifugal force that spins them apart.
ROBINSON
You know all this.
PRINCESS
Theory is one thing. Experience is another. And I know I’ve had enough of the centrifugal.
(SHE slowly leans closer, closer – they are face to face in profile .)
ROBINSON
Your father will kill me, Stella.
PRINCESS
The suns are setting. It’s night, and I’m cold.
(SHE reaches for HIM.)
- - -
[ -- Lines skipped == ]
- - -
CAPTAIN
Because we’re stupid! Stupid!
FRIDAY
The Princess of the United Colonies of Earth out there with just an untrained Private to take care of her??
CAPTAIN
Retlith will rip our throats out himself.
FRIDAY
Try calling them on the radio again.
CAPTAIN
It’s dead! It’s dead! Just like the Princess probably is! Sob sob!
FRIDAY
And so will we be unless –
(ROBINSON ENTERS out of breath and stumbling)
FRIDAY
(hugs him) Robinson! Robinson! So glad to see you –
(shakes him viciously)
Where’s the Princess!!
[ Two twist-endings that really work.]