A one-act children's comedy
With square dance music
CAST
ZEKE, the NarratorCINDERELLIE-MAE
MAMA
WEEZIE
LOLITA
GIRL 1
GIRL 2
GIRL 3
KING
QUEENIE
GODMAMAW
PRINCE BUBBA
The set should be simple, bare if possible… maybe a backdrop of trees in the mountains or some such. But the stage should be kept clean and open so that chairs, tables and what-have-you can be quickly moved on and off. The furnishings should represent the environment. This is a hillbilly show.
Go with it. The costumes should reflect it. The set pieces should reflect it. And the set changes should be well choreographed. Whatever you do...have fun! Go with the redneck/country accents as STRONG as you can without being cumbersome or not clearly understood. We open the show in the Town Square and all the townspeople are listening to a decree that has come down from the prince. His henchman is kinda like a squaredance caller. This is done to a rhythm. Or you can put music under it.
(Turkey in the Straw)
Spoken:
ZEKE
WELL, BUST MY BUTTONS AND BLESS MY HIDE
THE PRINCE IS LOOKING FOR A BRAND NEW BRIDE
SO ON FRIDAY NIGHT HITCHER BUGGIES TO THE POKE
CAUSE THE PRINCE'LL BE CHECKIN OUT THE WOMENFOLK.
ALL
GRAB YOUR PARTNER TIME TO DANCE
FOR THE PRINCE IS PUTTIN ON A BIG BARNDANCE
"I NEED A WIFE!" SAYS THE PRINCE, SAYS HE.
HE'S GETTIN GUSSIED UP TO FIND HIS GAL TO BE
ZEKE
NOW HE'S LOOKIN FER A MATE HE CAN CALL HIS WIFE
SOMEONE SWEET'N'PURTY WHO'LL SHARE HIS LIFE
GIRL 1
DOES SHE HAVE TO SLOP THE PIGS?
GIRL 2
DOES SHE HAVE TO MILK THE COW?
GIRL 3
SHE WOULD HAVE TO RAISE THE KIDS, I RECKON
ZEKE
BOY! AND HOW!
ZEKE
IF YOU WANNA LIVE A LIFE OF WEDDED BLISS
HERE'S AN OPPORTUNITY YOU DON'T DARE MISS!
DADS, GRAB YER DAUGHTERS, DRESS'EM UP REAL SWEET
FROM THE TOPS OF THEIR HEADS TO THEIR TINY LITTLE FEET
TRY A LITTLE PERFUME AND A TOUCH OF ROUGE
TIE YER HAIR UP PURTY-LIKE AND YOU WON'T LOSE!
(out of rhythm)
ZEKE
Now. You must have all your teeth.
ALL
Ooooooo.
ZEKE
And no animals allowed in the barndance.
ALL
Ooooohhhhhh.
ZEKE
NO FIGHTIN AND NO SPITTIN!
ALL
(SPOKEN) NO FIGHTIN AND NO SPITTIN?
ZEKE (UP TEMPO)
Nope!
(all clap and start rhythm again)
THE PARTY'S STARTIN FRIDAY AT THE TOP OF EIGHT
GETCHER YOUR HORSES GROOMED AND SADDLED UP
AND DON'T BE LATE
THERE'LL BE LOTSA GREAT SUPRISES ON THAT SPECIAL DAY
WITH A COUNTRY/WESTERN BAND AND FULL BUFFET!
ALL
A COUNTRY WESTERN BAND AND A FULL BUFFET?
YES INDEEDY, HERE’S YOUR CHANCE.
THE PRINCE IS PUTTIN ON A BIG BARNDANCE
HE'S TAKIN HIM A MATE THAT HE CAN CALL HIS WIFE
AND HE'S GONNA MAKE HER HAPPY HER ENTIRE LIFE!
IF YOU WANNA LIVE A LIFE OF WEDDED BLISS
HERE'S AN OPPORTUNITY YOU DON'T DARE MISS!
ALL
YEE HAW
Cinderellie
Sloppin' pigs. Milkin' cows! He's not lookin fer a wife... he's a'lookin fer a farmhand!
I won't have a fig to do with it.
Mama (offstage)
Cinderellie-MAE!
Cinderellie
Aw heck. It's m'stepmama.
Mama (offstage)
These dresses need a'washin afore the Barndance tomorrow night.
Gitcher hyde in this house now!
Cinderellie (to audience)
Y'know. Maybe sloppin hogs fer a prince aint such a bad idea after all. And I hear the Prince is awfully cute! What the heck. I might as well go. Who knows...maybe we can be friends. We can date, and then fall in love, and then get married, and then have lots of...
Mama
NOW!
Cinderellie
I'm a'comin. Hold yer horses! (to audience) That woman’s voice would scare the hair offen
a frog. I gotta go. Talk atcha later.
(SHE exits)
The two ugly stepsisters enter. They are Weezie and Lolita. They bring on chairs and a
small table and set it up. They sit by the table. They are examining their dresses for the dance.
Weezie
Whar's that stupid girl? Mah dress has a hole in it.
Lolita
Yer dress ain't NUTHIN compared to mah hem in my dress.
It's all tore up. She's gotta get to fixin it afore that barndance tomorrow.
Weezie
Not afore she fixes this dern hole! (Showing her the dress)
Mama
Is that girl back yet? (screaming off) Cinderellie-MAE!
Cinderellie (from off)
I'm comin'! I have to take the wash in afore it rains!
Mama
Well, be quick about it! We got bigger fish to fry! (turning to sisters) What are we
a'gonna do with that little parsnip?
WEEZIE
She’s ugly.
LOLITA
She’s stupid.
MAMA
She’s dreadful!
WEEZIE
She thinks she’s really witty.
LOLITA
She thinks she’s really pretty.
MAMA
It’s such a pity that she’s here to stay.
SISTERS
What’re we gonna do with her???
LOLITA
I know. We’ll work her really hard.
WEEZIE
Yeah. Keep her busy all day. This way she’ll be too tired to go to the barndance. And besides…you’re just jealous.
LOLITA
I’m not jealous! But I shore do hate the way she bats them blue eyes a’hers. And if anyone’s jealous… it’s YOU!
WEEZIE
Me! I am hardly jealous of her, you ignamus!
LOLITA
IGNAMUS! WHO are YOU callin’ me an ignamus!
(They fight and tussle about)
MAMA
GIRLS~! LADIES! (no reaction) VARMINTS! (they stop)
If you want to marry the prince, you best straighten it up. Ya hear? Now… I know!
We’ll make her clean the house.
LOLITA
She can warsh the socks while I’m dancing with the prince.
WEEZIE
She can warsh and rinse the dishes while I’M dancing with the prince.
ALL THREE
THAT'LL KEEP HER BUSY TIL THE PARTY'S OVER!
MAMA(SPOKEN IN RHYTHM)
What's that Prince's name again?
SISTERS
Bubba.
MAMA
Bubba?
WEEZIE
Prince Bubba. What a name. (not sarcastic. She LIKES the name. Swoony) Couldja just die?
Lolita
I hear tell he's cuter'n a bug's ear.
Mama (sighing)
If I were just a few years younger...
Weezie
A FEW years?
Mama
Don't press your luck, missy.
Lolita
What are we waitin' fer? We got lots to do!
They are pushing chairs and the table upstage chattering animatedly then exit.
Cinderellimae now comes on holding a freshly washed and dryed bedsheet. She is talking to herself.
Cinderellimae
Well. This old bedsheet looks purt'near perfect. I have to get this cleanin' done so's
I can go to the dance tomorrow night! (to audience) This could be my big chance! Imagine. Marryin' a Prince! Now THAT would be somethin' to write home about. (She laughs at the thought) Now wouldn't THAT just make those pig-ugly stepsisters of mine jealous?
Mama (offstage)
Get in this house, young'un! We got lots to do afore the party tomorrow night!
Cinderellie
Mercy! That woman's voice would scare the feet offa dog! (to Mama) COMIN'!
(She exits)
Enter the King and Queen and Prince Bubba. The Royal couple pull up the chairs and
sit together. Bubba paces.
Queenie
Well now, son, it's the big day of the barndance. Ya getting a little excited?
Bubba
Oh mama. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm just scareder than a cat in roomful of rocking horses!
King
Now boy, don't you go worryin’ none about that dance and meetin’ all them purty gals.
Queenie
Why yer the cutest little varmint in all of Trailerville!
King
Why sure! Anyone one of them little fillies'd be delighted to be your intended!
Bubba
Oh, Paw. I know they would. But meetin so many gals at one "daince" is kinda scary.
Queenie
Just think of it, son. Your future is out there. And she’s just a'waitin for ya. Your new family!
King
That's right, son, a new family. A new branch to the family tree. You're gonna be King one day, and you need to have a heir to the big chair. Ya cain't wait too long. Family’s important!
Queenie
Family's somethin special. Family comes in all shapes and sizes. Family is home and home is where the heart is.
King
Sure, we bug each other “onced” in a while, but that’s what family’s about.
King
Now on this very special day, you will find a mate.
Queenie
Someone you can call “wife”.
King
And you can love her like… like…
Queenie (affectionately to King)
Like the way your mama loves your “paw”.
Bubba (to both his parents)
Like the way I love you!
King
Aw now, shucks.
Queenie
What a sweet thing to say, dear. Now you go wash up and get ready for the dance. No Prince of mine is going to a barndance without warshin behind his ears. Now git!
(Bubba exits exclaiming:)
Bubba
Awww, Mawwww.
(HE is gone)
Queenie
Oh, Deewayne. Our little'un's turnin in to a man. Ya think he’ll be all right?
King
He'll be jesss' fine, Tammy Sue. Don't you worry none.
Queenie
Ya know what?
King
What’s that?
Queenie
I love you.
Blackout
We are back in the Stepsister's house. Alot of hustle and bustle getting ready for the dance. Weezie and Lolita have biiig hair, as does Mama, and are just finishing up.
Weezie
Cinderelliemae! Is that dress fixed yet?
Lolita
Cinderelliemae! Where's my ridin' hat?
Mama
Cinderelliemae! Have you started on those socks?
(Cinderelliemae enters with dress and hat. The sisters proceed to finalize their dressing.)
Cinderelliemae
Socks? What socks are you talking about? I have to get ready to go to the ball, too!
Mama
Oh really, Miss smarty britches? What're you gonna wear, those old overalls? And what about your har? You don't even have a big-tease comb! How do you expect to go to a barndance without big har?
Lolita
Oh really, Cinderelliemae. You can't possibly go to the dance.
Weezie
There's too much work to be done right here in the trailer.
Cinderelliemae
But I was hopin...
Mama
You was hopin. YOU WAS HOPIN! I don't think so, little missy. Yer gonna stay right here and get those socks mended, the ironi’n finished, the floors need to be scrubbed, and while yer at it, might as well check the chicken's feed out back.
Cinderelliemae
Chicken feed? (She sits and sobs)
Sisters
Chicken’s Feed!
Mama
Girls, look at the time! We gotta git or we'll be late for the dance!
Weezie
I'll bet he picks me.
Lolita
I think he'd rather pick his nose before he picks a old washer woman like you. It's ME he'll be eyein...you can be sure of that!
Mama
Girls! No arguin. Show some class.
Weezie
Yes, Mama.
Lolita
Sorry, Mama.
Mama
That's more like it. Now march! I wanna see some butts in that El Camino in five seconds or there'll be some switchin goin on.
Weezie
G'night, Cinderelliemae.
Lolita
Ta ta, Cinderelliemae.
Mama
Clean the floors, Cinderelliemae. And don't wait up.
(They are gone. Cinderelliemae is all forlorn and left alone.)
Cinderelliemae.
(Imitating Mama)
Clean the flooooors, Cinderelliemae. Her voice would make a raccoon grow barnacles.
Now, just how the heck am I gonna git to that dance? They’re right. I ain't got nothin’ to wear. My hair ain't nearly the height it should be. And I don't even have a pair of decent pink pumps I can wear. I wish I were never born. (She starts crying again).
(We have a bit of magic and the fairy GodMamaw appears.)
GodMamaw
Young'un! Stop yer caterwaulin! Land sakes, you'll kill every living thing within earshot!
Cinderelliemae
Who...who are you?
GodMamaw
Who am I? Whew. You ARE upset! Why, I'm yer fairy GodMamaw!
Cinderellie
Fairy GodMamaw? (Suspiciously) Whose side of the family are you from?
GodMamaw
I'm from YOUR side, honey. I watch over you.
Cinderellie
Well, you ain't been doin such a great job lately.
GodMamaw
Wa’heck that’s why I'm here. Now what seems to be the problem?
Cinderellie
Well, my stepmama and step sisters have put so much on ma’ plate that I won’t never get done with all these chores before the barndance ends. (to audience) It’s like… they don’t want me to go!
MAMAW
Good assumption, Einstein. Ok. We gotta act quick or you won't see the inside of any barndance tonight!
Cinderelliemae
You can get me to....waaait a second. I am sensin a touch of skepticism here.
GodMamaw
Well, save it for the wedding day, girlfriend. There's a Prince who's dyin to meet you and you cain't go in that getup.
Cinderelliemae
Tell me about it. What'm I gonna do?
GodMamaw
Tell me what you wish.
Cinderelliemae
Wish?
GodMamaw
Uh huh. Go on. Spit it out.
Cinderelliemae
I wish… I wish I was a’goin’ to that barndance. I wish I had a right purty dress, and real high har, and some pink pumps from WalMart. I want my dress to be all crystally and shiny. And I need something to get there in.
GodMamaw
Yer sure?
Cinderelliemae
Oh, yes. That's my wish. Do ya think you can help me?
GodMamaw
Well, I got a few tricks up m'sleeve. First – getting you there. (She crosses off stage.) Come on you fat old pink pigs...stand together. There ya go. (We hear a loud Zap/magic sound. Cinderelliemae rushes and looks offstage)
Cinderelliemae
Land alive! A big ole pink F150 Ford Ranger Now THAT’S style.
GodMamaw
(from offstage) Come on, ya varmint.
Cinderelliemae
Whatcha gone do with that raccoon, Fairy GodMamaw?
(We hear another loud Zap.)
GodMamaw
Instant driver!
(she reenters, slappin her hands together like a task well done)
Ya ready? Get in the truck.
Cinderelliemae
I cain't go like this!
GodMamaw
My, what AM I thinking. My brain's out having sardines’n’crackers. Now we gotta get you dressed. Spin around and let’s see what happens!
(The spell)
spoken in rhythm
BUTTONS AND BOWS
TEASED UP HAIR
CONJURIN UP SOMETHIN
CINDERELLIEMAE CAN WEAR
DOLLY PARTON AND REBA MACINTYRE
HELP ME FIND SOMETHING
IN A PRETTY NEW ATTIRE
SHADE OF BLUE
AND PUMPS OF PINK
DRESS OF BEADS
AND SILVER LINK
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
AND MARK IT WITH Z
AND DRESS UP CINDERELLIEMAE
THE WAY IT SHOULD BEEEEE!
(There is much poofing and flashing of lights, much magical Sound. Cinderelliemae emerges in a beaded gown, big hair, pink pumps, and a diamond necklace. She is the epitome of a singing country superstar.)
GodMamaw
Hold me up. Ya take m'breath away.
Cinderelliemae
Am I the picture of class or what!
GodMamaw
You look like the Grand Ole Opry, honey!
Cinderelliemae
Oh, thank you, fairy GodMamaw. Thank you sooo much.
GodMamaw
You're welcome, honey, but you better git movin! You have to be back NO LATER THAN MIDNIGHT!
Cinderelliemae
Midnight?
GodMamaw
That's right, sweetie. The magic is only good til then. Now git!
Cinderelliemae
Thanks! Thanks so much! (she exits. We hear her offstage)You want me to bring you back some o'them little hot wangs?
GodMamaw
Git! (looks at her watch) I gotta blow this taco stand! "America's Funniest People" is a’comin on the TV.
(she exits into black)
The next scene is at the Barndance. We are in the midst of a square dance.
CALLER (squaredance spoken in rhythm with country music under)
ALL YOU FELLERS TAKE A BOW TO THE GALS
GALS TAKE A CURTSY TO YER NEAREST PALS
GALS GO TO CENTER WHILE THE GUYS PAY THE BILL
IT'S TIME TO START THE SQUAREDANCE IN TRAILERVILLE
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE TO THE RIGHT
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME TO NIGHT
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE IN REVERSE
IT'S TIME TO START A'SINGIN THE SECOND VERSE
GUYS MOVE TO CENTER AND TIP YOUR HAT
GIRLS MOVE TO CENTER FOR A FRIENDLY CHAT
GUYS CIRCLE ROUND TIL YOU FIND YOUR GIRL
GRAB HER BY THE WAIST AND EVERYBODY TWIRL
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE TO THE RIGHT
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME TO NIGHT
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE IN REVERSE
WE'LL DO A LITTLE DANCIN', THEN THE FINAL VERSE
(DANCE BREAK)
During the dance break, the King, Queenie, and Bubba have a conversation.
King
Well, son. Why are ya sittin' this dance out? You met any new prospects? (He has already asked this question several times tonight) Yet?
Bubba
I'm sorry, Diddy, but I just ain't met the one yet.
Queenie
Butcha dainced with so MANY girls. Not a one'o'them suitable?
Bubba
Well, they all seem right nice, but my heart ain't done no flips yet.
(DANCE BREAK ENDS)
CALLER
IT'S TIME TO START A FLIRTIN' WITH YOUR NEW ROMANCE
TAKE'ER IN YOUR ARMS AND SHOW HER HOW TO DANCE
WATCH HOW MUCH SHE GIGGLES AS YOU SWING HER ROUND
BEFORE YA KNOW IT YOU'LL BE WEDDING AISLE BOUND
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE TO THE RIGHT
SOON YOU'LL HAVE A WEDDIN' NIGHT
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE ONCE AGAIN
SING ANOTHER CHORUS 'FOR THE DANCIN ENDS
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE TO THE RIGHT
SOON YOU'LL HAVE A WEDDIN' NIGHT
ALLEMANDE AND CIRCLE ROUND THE BEND
NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS
TO END! YEEHAW!
(After the applause, Cinderelliemae enters the dance. All action stops as she enters the Barn. The Prince is smitten. The King and Queenie notice this and nod.)
Bubba
Mama...
Queenie
I know.
King
Get a grip, son.
Bubba
(to Cinderelliemae)
Well hey, purty filly.
Cinderelliemae
(charming and enchanting)
Hey, y'self.
Bubba (Looks past where she entered)
Is that your Pink F150 Ford Ranger I see parked outside?
All react verbally to this with awe.
Cinderelliemae
You bet, Royal boy.
Bubba
A woman of taste, I see.
Cinderelliemae
Why thank ya kindly.
Bubba
Will you join me for a swing round the barn?
Cinderelliemae
Now let me see...did you sign my “daince” card?
Bubba
Your mine the whole night, sweet thang.
(Music starts and they dance alone. It is a slow dance.
Everyone else but the King and Queenie exit. They watch the couple dance from afar)
Queenie
Well, bust my hide, I think he's found him a gal.
King
She looks at him the way you look at me.
Queenie
And look at our boy, he looks at her the same way you look at me.
(a beat)
King and Queenie
He's hog tied!
(they laugh and exit. The couple continues to dance and chat)
Bubba
I don't think I've ever seen you round these parts before.
Cinderelliemae
Ohhh, I been here. You just ain't never noticed me.
Bubba
You might not believe this, but do you believe in love at first sight?
Cinderelliemae
I didn't til just this moment.
Bubba
Well, what else can it be?
Cinderelliemae
I don't know. This is all s'dang strange. Yer not confusin’ me with anyone else, are ya?
Bubba
I don't think so.
Cinderelliemae
What makes ya so sure?
Bubba
Because I ain't NEVER met anyone like ya before!
(The dance off the stage. From the opposite side enters Lolita, Weezie and Mama)
Weezie
Well If that don’t beat all!
Lolita
Our chances just went RRRIGHT down the drain.
Mama
And a pink F150 Ford Ranger to boot.
-- This is half of the script. To see the rest, contact the Website Operator, Jeannette Jaquish above, or order above.