By Angela Higbee

Piscean_Angel@Hotmail.com

Captain Janeway walked onto the bridge, depressed, yet fighting not to show it. It was a losing battle, but something the crew knew better than to question.

Chakotay gave her a questioning look as she sat down, but she brushed him off with a wave of her hand. He was still concerned, if the looks he kept shooting her were any indication, but she ignored him, content to stare blankly at a padd she brought with her.

In deference to her mood, the bridge was silent, only the faint sounds of consoles in use breaking the tense monotony. Janeway scrolled through her padd, giving the impression she was absorbed in whatever she was reading. After a few moments, she dropped it to the floor in front of her, the sound ringing loudly in the silence. She didn't move to pick it up, instead leaving it where it landed, refocusing her attention on the starscape shown on the viewscreen. Absently, she drummed her fingers on her armrest, until Chakotay turned to her again, determined not to be shut out this time.

"May I speak to you privately?" he asked.

She nodded reluctantly, standing to lead the way. She ignored the looks she recieved from the other members of the bridge crew, though she could feel their curious glances at her back.

Once in her ready room, she sat on the edge of the desk, motioning for Chakotay to take a seat. He declined, remaining where he stood in the middle of the floor.

"What's this about, Chakotay?" she asked, her voice tired.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing," he answered. "Is everything alright?"

Janeway sighed, adjusting her position against the desk. Then she got up, walking slowly to the window to stare out at the stars. She spoke with her back to him. "I don't know how much longer I can take this," she said, her voice a soft whisper. "How much more of this can I take?"

Chakotay walked over slowly, standing close to her without touching. "Kathryn, talk to me," he said, facing her. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes filled with tears at the gentleness of his voice.

"I can't survive this whole trip alone," she said, her voice barely perceptible. "I don't want to." She looked down, struggling to keep from looking into Chakotay's eyes.

"Kathryn," he said softly. "It's alright. I'm here."

She looked up, meeting his dark, concern-filled eyes with her own teary ones. And she fell into his embrace.

He held her tightly, and neither one spoke for a long time.

Finally, it was Kathryn who broke the silence. "I don't know if I can let anyone in anymore," she whispered, her voice thick with unshed tears.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said with a sigh, loosening his embrace. "Kathryn, look at me," he said, using one hand to tilt her chin upwards, to look at him. "You can let me in. I'm here for you, and I care for you."

A tear rolled down her face as she said, "You don't know how much I've needed someone to say that."

"Longer than I've needed to say it," he answered softly, moving his hand to cup her cheek.

Needing the contact, she pressed her cheek into his palm, reveling in the warmth he offered.

"Kathryn, you don't need to be lonely anymore," he whispered.

The next moment his lips were on hers softly, demanding nothing, showing her he was simply there for her.

When she looked into his eyes a moment later, she saw that he was right. She didn't have to be alone anymore.

With this newfound knowledge, she wiped her eyes, preparing to head to the bridge.

Chakotay's hand found hers, and he entwined thier fingers together, reassuring her with a small squeeze before he broke the contact and motioned for her to proceed him out the door.

One more on the bridge, Janeway noticed the solemn silence that seemed so tense. "Report," she ordered as she walked to her chair, and slowly, things got back to normal for the rest of the shift.

Returning to her quarters, Janeway was exhausted by her emotional ordeal of earlier that day. Her mind set on a long shower, a good book, and a cup of coffee, she was taking her hair down when her doorchime rang.

"Come in," she called, grabbing the pins she had removed and heading to the front room.

She sat on the couch, placing the pile of hair pins in front of her. She worked to put them back in as her guest approached.

"Tom," she said, a little startled to find who her visitor was. "What can I do for you?" she asked, motioning for him to take a seat.

He sat beside her, as if unaware she had meant for him to take the chair opposite.

She picked up another pin, but then found Tom's hand on top of hers.

"Leave it down," he said softly. "It's beautiful."

Startled by something in his voice, she dropped the pin, looking up at him.

He was staring at her hair, and some look in his eye made her want to take it down. Slowly, she started pulling the pins out, piling them up on the table. She brushed through the tresses with her fingers when she finished, and sat back in the couch.

"Mister Paris," she said, "Was there something you needed?" she asked, reminding him that he still hadn't told her why he was there.

Tom took a deep breath. "I couldn't help but notice...on the bridge," he started slowly. "You seemed...upset. Is everything alright?"

Janeway smiled. "Yes, I think I'm fine now. Just having a bad day, that's all," she explained.

Tom looked away, a sadness in his face.

"Is there something I can do for you?" Janeway asked, still unsure what was happening.

Tom stared out the window, much as she had done earlier. "Did talking to Chakotay help?" he asked, his voice tight.

Janeway was confused. "I don't see what that has to do with--"

She was cut off when he turned quickly to face her, tears shining in his eyes. He blinked rapidly, and they were gone before she was sure they were there.

"What did he say that brought you out of such sadness?" he asked her softly.

Janeway stared at her hands, folded in her lap, unsure what to say. About to start in on how it was none of his business, Tom spoke again.

"Please, Captain, just tell me what happened," he pleaded.

She was confused. Why did this seem so painful for him? Why did he seem to want to know so badly? She looked up, seeing pain so obvious in his eyes.

She took a deep breath and, unsure why she was doing it, told him. "I've been feeling rather alone lately," she answered. "I needed someone to talk to."

Tom only nodded, bowing his head until it reached his hands, elbows resting on his knees.

"Tom, what's wrong?" she asked him, unable to deny the tears she had seen before his eyes disappeared from her view.

He looked up at her, the pain in his eyes almost more than she could bear to see. "Did he kiss you?" he whispered.

Janeway couldn't stop the surprise she felt register across her face, and knew he would be able to read the truth that followed it.

With an anguished sigh, he pillowed his face in his hands again. He mumbled something, and Janeway leaned closer to try and hear.

"What?" she asked.

Tom again looked up at her. "Do you think he's the only one that loves you?" he asked. "Do you think he's the only one that can keep you from being lonely?"

Janeway, having no idea he had ever felt this way, could only sit there, shocked.

"I need to go," he said, standing as he struggled for composure.

"Tom, wait," she said, not knowing how to handle this.

"No," he said, already halfway to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow." And he was gone.

Janeway didn't sleep well that night. Events from her encounters with both men kept running through her mind, plaguing her with doubts and questions she had no place for. And what could she do?

The next morning, unable to pretend to sleep any longer, she headed to the Mess Hall. Neelix's coffee had been stronger than usual this week, and she needed the extra perk. Sitting alone to one side of the room reading a padd, she overheard several conversations as people passed by.

"Did you hear about Tom last night?" one crewman asked another. His companion nodded.

"I heard he was at Sandrine's all night. And when Susan Nicoletti tried to talk to him, he wouldn't say a word."

By then, their conversation was beyond Janeway's range, but she listened as another pair approached.

"And I don't know why, but Chakotay sure seems happy right now," one said.

"Rumors in Engineering say that Tom is really upset right now," the other answered.

"I've heard a theory that links the two," the first said. "Rumor has it, that the Captain and Paris have been hiding a relationship for some time now. But, that after Chakotay was in her ready room for less than ten minutes, she dumped Paris for him."

A third crewman approached, joining in the conversation. "I just heard that Tom is upset about the relationship she's been having with Chakotay."

Janeway rolled her eyes as they, too, moved out of her hearing range. This rumor mill was nuts!

She looked up as the doors opened again, and Naomi Wildman walked in. Seeing the Captain, she walked right over.

"Have a seat," Janeway said, indicating the empty chair across from her.

"Captain," Naomi said slowly. "What's everyone talking about today with you and Commander Chakotay and Lt. Paris?"

Janeway rolled her eyes again, and thought about lecturing her on gossipping. But thought better of it when she realized what she could learn. "Not much," she answered honestly. At least from her standpoint. "What have you heard?" she asked, leaning over conspiritorially.

The young girl grinned. "Well," she began. "Everyone agrees that the commander is a bit happier, and that Mr. Paris is kind of upset. Everything I've heard says that either they got in a fight between the two of them, or that you fit in somewhere." She stopped for a minute. "Captain?" she asked. "Why do all of the rumors around here have to do with either people fighting or people in love?"

Janeway smiled, but realized that love was exactly the issue here. Both Tom and Chakotay seemed to love her, or at least care for her a lot. But where did that leave her? Torn somewhere in the middle, her feelings of lonliness becoming worse every day.

"I have no idea," she told Naomi. She smiled. "Why don't you go find your breakfast?" she suggested.

*Now what?* she wondered.

She talked while Naomi ate, then left for her duty shift.

Chakotay and Tom were both on the bridge when she got there, and both, ignoring the other, greeted her with smiles. Chakotay's was wide and reached all the way to his eyes, Tom's was more a cover-up for the nervous embarrasment he felt.

"Commander, may I see you in my ready room?" she asked, not even sitting down. He nodded, leading the way.

Unable to resist the temptation, she turned to look at Tom over her shoulder. And was rewarded with his crestfallen expression as he turned back to the conn.

When the doors closed behind them, Chakotay grinned at Janeway. "Feeling better?" he asked her, coming close to her, entwining her hand in his.

"Somewhat," she answered, smoothly reclaiming her hand.

He looked at her, confused. "Kathryn, what's going on? I thought we were going to be able to start something here."

Janeway shook her head. "I've told you before, this can't work. I admire our working relationship too much. Of all the people on the ship, you have to be the off-limits!"

"Why?" he asked, coming over to her.

"Because I have to trust you!" she said. "Because you have to question me, to point out my mistakes, and play devil's advocate! I don't want to lose that. For the sake of the ship and crew, I *can't* lose that!" She walked over to him, closing the distance her pacing had put between them. She placed a hand on his cheek, much as he had done the previous day. "I could fall in love with you so easily," she whispered.

He put his hand over hers, then moved his other to gently encircle her wrist. "Then why don't you," he asked, his tone telling her he knew he had already lost.

"Because as a Captain," she said, fighting the tears that threatened her eyes. "I can't." She reached up on tiptoe, using her other hand on his shoulder for balance, and kissed him on the cheek. "But thank you," she said, reclaiming her hand from his limp grasp. "I'll see you on the bridge," she said, then walked through the door.

By the time the door opened in front of her, she had her "Captain's Mask" on, hiding anything that had just happened. Tom looked at her as she came back in, that pained look from the previous night back clouding his features. *Such handsome features,* she thought as she sat down, knowing what she had to do as soon as she got off duty.

This night, it was her turn to arrive unexpectedly in Tom's quarters. She rang the chime, wondering if he would even let her talk to him.

"Come in," he directed, and she entered his dark quarters.

She found him curled up in a tight ball on the couch, staring out at the stars. "Can we talk?" she asked.

He looked over, startled to see her standing there. "Captain," he said, beginning to stand.

She waved him back. "It's alright, Tom," she said. "We're off duty."

He sat back down, looking back at the stars. "Are you happy with him?" he asked softly.

Janeway grew angry. "Not only is that absolutely none of your business," she began sternly. She walked over, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. "But you're wrong," she said, her voice softening. "I'm not with him."

Tom turned to face her. "I don't understand," he said, his confusion evident in his voice.

Janeway sighed. How would she explain this? She met his gaze. "Tom, I could fall in love with him so easily," she said.

He quickly turned away from her, as if she had slapped him. "Captain," he said, pain thick in his voice.

Janeway shook her head as she took him by the shoulders, forcing him to turn and face her. "But I won't," she said. "That's something I can't do."

"Captain, why are you telling me this?" he asked, keeping the conversation as formal, as distant, as he could.

"Because," she said slowly, knowing she was heading for words she couldn't take back. "Because there's someone else I can love," she said.

The tension in his shoulders told her he was going to turn away again, that what she had said was being construed as another dagger to his heart.

"Tom," she said, holding his gaze with hers. "I could love you."

Shock registered across his face as her words sunk in, and she found herself crushed in his embrace. "Could you?" he asked in disbelief.

She nodded, the only movement she could make in his arms. She forced a little space between them, looking up again. "I think I already do," she confessed.

He smiled, dipping his head to meet her mouth with his. The kiss was long, full of the promises he wanted to make to her.

"Kathryn, I love you," he said, breaking the contact to stare into her eyes.

Her only answer was to hug him tighter.

"You don't have to be alone," he promised.

"I don't want to be," she said, melting into his arms, meeting his kiss.

And she realized then, that she wasn't alone anymore.

So what did you think? E-mail me to let me know!

piscean_angel@hotmail.com