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Ask Bob for 05/01/00 & 05/08/00

05/01/00

Ask Bob!

By "Bob Martines"

Phil Barry (Chicago, IL) asks:" My Professor says 'Yes.' My Pastor says,' No.' My Mother says, 'Get a job.' Who am I to believe? Is evolution real or not? Did Dinosaurs walk the Earth? They looked real in 'Jurassic Park.' HELP! I MUST KNOW!"

Your question brings memories of my country (Nebraska). In my country, people don't run around asking silly questions of evolution, de-evolution, maggots and faggots. No sir-ree. Life is hard in Nebraska and we just don't have the time.

In my country, we jump in our pick-up trucks and faithfully follow anything that has "Big Red" printed on it. If it ain't an accessory to my pick-up (like a "Harry Husker" mud flap) or if it ain't about Corn husker Football, then I just don't need to know. My memories of Nebraska are still vivid in my mind. Soakin' up some rays in a sand dune off the Platte River, scraping mud and pollution off my body after an afternoon swim.

Hey, wait a minute. I just got home from St. George Island - still got sand between my toes.

Now that was nice.

Forget what I just said. My country sucked.

Nebraska...sucks.

Corn huskers? Well, they suck too.

Now what was the question?

Oh yeah, sure - Dinosaurs.

I'm pretty sure they are real 'cause I got me a picture of one off the Internet. How can you have a picture of somethin' that don't exist? (There's the proof just to the left).

Now to be positive, I 'figure' it would be best to ask someone who knows. Someone who was actually there. So I looked up a previous interview that I did with ex-President Ronald Reagan. Sure enough right there on tape I asked him what he remembered about eons gone by. Here's a transcript of his answer:

Me: And so, well. Well, when you were little, like growing up...well, did you ever see a dinosaur?

RR: Gerbity-Slurba. (Dribble dripped off his chin)

Me: (Louder) DINOSAURS! DID YOU EVER SEE DINOSAURS!

RR: Sure, (girbidy-slurba, splat) Everyone in show business knew Dinah Shore...(He then rambled on, spat and dribbled for another half hour while telling us about Dinah Shore).

I hope you found this interview as informative as I did.

Regardless of what the experts say, when I asked former President Ronald Reagan if he ever saw Dinosaurs he said, "Sure..."

Can't get more official than that. There you have it, more proof.

And now you know.

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Ask Bob

05/08/00

Ask Bob!

By "Bob Martines"

Jeri Ryan of Burbank, CA, asks: . Star Wars this, Star Wars that! People spend so much time thinking about Star Wars they loose track of the really important things (Like Star Trek Voyager). So who do you think should be the next Anakin Skywalker?

A: . I would rather see another Star Trek movie any day. After watching that last Star Wars I just wanted to get my baby seal clubbing-club and just, "whack that Jar-Jar right over the head." And while we are at it, let's whack some Ewoks too.

I did like the part when they drove the ship right through the planet! That trick worked so well in "Lost in Space" I really enjoyed seeing it again.

Everywhere you look there was some kind of computer animation. My suggestion is this. If someone see's a scene and says, "Wow, you can barely tell it's a computer animated!" Then, just cut the scene.

Let it go.

Since another Star Wars movie is inevitable, then I guess a new Anakin Skywalker is needed. At first I thought, just wait for that little kid to grow a older, and let him play the part. But that means we would have to wait longer for the next movie. Not that I want to see it, but knowing it's on the way...well, it's like waiting for your dad to come home to give you a "whuppin'." Best to pull off the band aid in one swift pull, I always say.

So I 'figure', why not use Marty Feldman as Darth. If they want a comedy, why not use a comedian. Besides, that would explain why Darth Vader has to wear that stupid mask. . So his minions wouldn't laugh at his funny face and big bug eyes. Now, if we could only figure out a way to explain the calculator on his chest.

"But isn't Marty Feldman dead?" you may ask. Well yeah, he sure is; however, George Lucas can use "the magic of computer animation," that he seems to love so much, to put ol' Marty into the picture!

Then I thought, if they go through all that trouble, why not use The Greatest Child Actor that ever lived? Why should such a great role go to just another "pretty boy," when they could use The Greatest Actor - In The World.

That child prodigy that played "Young Thomas Edison." The genius from that old black n' white "Boys Town" movie.

The shrimp that dated Judy Garland.

Yep, Mickey Rooney.

He's only 2 ft. tall, but he could still play a young man, if he wore elevator shoes. They could just use make-up and computer animation to make him look young again. Besides he is The Greatest Actor - In The World.

This is my message for George Lucas, "Wake up and smell the Geritol." Hire Mickey Rooney for the part. That's who should be Anakin Skywalker.

And now you know.