.

Ask Bob for 05/29/00 & 06/05/00

05/29/00

Ask Bob!

By "Bob Martines"

June Pulsifer from Berkeley, CA asks:

"What's a bullum-head?"

A: . Put simply, a bullum-head is a term used by any decent country folk to describe a person with an odd shaped, or an unusually large sized forehead or skull. For example, I'll put it in a sentence so you'll get a feel for how it's used...

"No siree, Mr. Officer-Sir, I couldn't get a good look at em' on account he had on one of them ski masks pulled up over his head so I couldn't see...but he did have a bullum-head. Yup' a great big bullum head. That much I know fer shure!"

Now a lot of people think that a bullum-head is some sort of genetic abnormality or the result of an alcoholic doctor delivering a baby when he has the shakes and squeezing too tight on the forceps, which squishes the baby's head into some odd shape.

But I know better.

Most bullum-heads come from the same geographic location. That location is the Midwest.

Specifically Indiana and Illinois. Home of the bullum-head. Let me show you some examples...

 

 

 

 

David Letterman
Occupation:
Entertainer
Born: IN
Bullum-Head

John Mellencamp
Occupation:
Entertainer
Born: IN
Bullum-Head

Gary Shandling
Occupation:
Entertainer
Born: IL
Bullum-Head

Royce Waltman
Occupation:
Basketball Coach
Born: IN
Bullum-Head

Abraham Lincoln
Occupation:
President of U.S.
Born: IL
Bullum-Head

One may notice that the people with the most pronounced bullum-heads are also among the smartest and most successful.

Coincidence? I think not. But what made them this way?

The answer lies in the water towers of the Midwest. You see, contrary to popular belief, water towers were not built for cities. Our cities and towns were built around these mysterious structures that were already there long before us. All this is explained further in my book, published in 1988, called "Water Towers of the Gods," it's co-written by Eric Von Daniken. These bizarre structures were built hundreds of thousands of years in the past by an advanced alien culture.

In fact, Native Americans had a name for them, far before the white man had ever settled down here. They called them "Ooouiii-Ooouuuiii-Caleb-shooot," which translates in our white mans tongue as, "Big fucking thing with water inside."

But why did the aliens build them? The answer can only be told by the aliens themselves. So me, Eric, Jon, and my good buddy Jim-bo, got us a bunch of turpentine, paint remover, and rags, and headed down to Indiana. Most of these towers had been painted and repainted with city names and logos and stuff. We figured if we scrubbed all the paint off, we would find a message painted by the Aliens. This is what we found...

We think it means, "People of Earth, we are providing you with this great container of water, that is soft and will help you get your clothes as white as white can be. Oh, by the way - we put in a special solution to turn you all into Aliens.

"First, you will achieve great bullum-heads, then you'll end up looking like us. When your appearance has matched ours then you will be complete and we shall return."

That's why people with bullum-heads are so much smarter than everyone else...Alien DNA. Also, the only places on Earth that produce one bullum-head per 100 persons is Indiana and Illinois!

The same places where these horrible "Water Towers" lie.

The solution?

We must destroy all these Alien water towers and drop Nuclear Bombs on Indiana and Illinois. This is the only way to get rid of the Future Alien Menace. If no one ever turns into these Aliens then the Aliens will never return.

They probably just plan to eat us or turn us into slaves so it's best that they never show up.

Most normal people fear spiders, because they're from outer space too - just like normal people fear bullum heads, cause they're from outer-space, and things from outer space are spooky.

And now you know.

.

Ask Bob for 06/05/00

06/05/00

Ask Bob!

By "Bob Martines"

Q: I heard of this thing called an "Atomic Bomb" - can it be real?

A: Unfortunately it is very real.

In fact it has been used in the most horrible way. Most people may know, but few except myself and Jon actually remember, that not too long ago two atomic bombs were dropped. One on Hiroshima and one on Nagasaki. What many people don't know is that the Official Bombing Order on July 25th, 1945 also approved using nuclear weapons on Kokura and Niigata, Japan.

Which brings me to my next point. Doesn't it seem strange that President Truman, all Willie-nilly like, approved the destruction of four major cities. Military targets is usually acceptable, but just destroy a city as a show of military strength seems a little drastic.

Perhaps if we look at the way Truman viewed the Japanese people, we would better understand. In his diary on July 25th, 1945, he mentions, "...the Japs are savages, ruthless, merciless and fanatic..." Well, well. enough said about that. However, later in that same diary entry he mentions, "The target will be a purely military one and we will issue a warning statement asking the Japs to surrender and save lives."

In his radio address to the nation Truman states, "...we wished in this first attack to avoid, insofar as possible, the killing of civilians." So was he a compassionate man forced into action?

I doubt it.

In the Official Bombing Order he made no mention of targeting military objectives or sparing civilians. The cities themselves were the targets. The order was also open-ended. "Additional bombs" could be dropped "as soon as made ready by the project staff."

Sure it's good to win a war, but at what cost?

On September 30, 1938, the League of Nations Assembly, Unanimously approved the resolution of "PROTECTION OF CIVILIAN POPULATIONS AGAINST BOMBING FROM THE AIR IN CASE OF WAR." In that document they agree that, 1) The intentional bombing of civilian populations is illegal; 2) Objectives aimed at from the air must be legitimate military objectives and must be identifiable; 3) Any attack on legitimate military objectives must be carried out in such a way that civilian populations in the neighborhood are not bombed through negligence.

Later the United Nations, on November 24, 1961 confirmed that, "...the use of weapons of mass destruction, causing unnecessary human suffering, was in the past prohibited, as being contrary to the laws of humanity and to the principles of international law, by international declarations and binding agreements, such as the Declaration of St. Petersburg of 1868, the Declaration of the Brussels Conference of 1874, the Conventions of the Hague Peace Conferences of 1899 and 1907, and the Geneva Protocol of 1925, to which the majority of nations are still parties..." In other words, based on previous laws, Truman should have known better.

Therefore, based on the resolution by the International Community, Truman's Bombing Order was in every way conceivable an illegal act.

Furthermore, based on the Principles used for the Nuremberg trials, they define a "War Crime" as, "...(the) wanton destruction of cities, towns, or villages, or devastation not justified by military necessity;..." They also define "Crimes Against Humanity" as, "... murder, extermination, enslavement, deportation, and other inhumane acts committed against any civilian populations..."

Since the Order included entire cities (which may have had military targets); however, the entire cities were not military targets, and the plan was to destroy the each whole city; therefore, murdering all its inhabitants, then it appears President Truman was not only breaking international law, he is also guilty of "War Crimes" and "Crimes Against Humanity."

What do you know, I always thought Truman was a nice Joe. I guess Nixon wasn't the only criminal to work at the White House.

Sorry, no one-liners or jokes in this commentary.

And now you know.


.

Tell someone about this page!

Your email: . Friends email:

<-----Add your message Here!

Send copy to myself


Archive Home
Ask Bob 2000 . Ask Bob 2001

Home . Stories . Lunatics . Entertainment . Comics . Games . Links
.