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07/17/00

Ask Bob!
By "Bob Senitram"

NYMETS (An alias) asks:
My God. Is anyone as stupid as you?

A: . Hmmm, Let me get right on that, with...thinking.

I dunno.

I'm sittin' here with a notepad in front of the tv while I half watch porn movies, trying to think of how to answer your question. My chair is old 25 years old, and it really needs to be cleaned or upolstered or somethin'. For some reason, this is the only chair I'm allowed to sit in while I watch porn. But I can sit anywhere if I'm just writing.

I can only eat in the dining room, cause I always spill stuff.

Friday at work, I dropped a piece of american cheese from my sandwich and it fell down between my legs. Anyway I had white khaki's on, and that cheese stuck on my leg for the rest of the day. Nobody told me, 'cause most people try to ignore me, on account I'm always talking to myself.

So I'm sittin' there at work and I start to smell something kinda rank. I thought the guy in the next cubicle "room" had really bad gas. I didn't want to imbarass him so I said nothin'. It got a little worse, nothin' to make a man sick, but enough to make you frown.

So about a half hour early, my boss comes up and says, "hey, if you want to go home early, you can."

I say, "ok." And so I leave.

Did I mention I eat lunch in my car? I don't remember. Anyway, I eat lunch in my car, so I can listen to the radio and take a little nap after I'm done. So I unlock the door and I see a piece of mushed dried up cheese on the seat, and I remember a piece of cheese falling, and me, not being able to find it. I twist around and look behind by leg and notice a dried up yellow smear on my pants. "Oh," I say to myself.

So I bend down to scrap off the yellow smear on the car seat with a napkin, and it don't come off cause it's dried. So I take a screwdriver from the back seat and scrap it with that. I had been workin' on the car that weekend, and it had dirty grease on the screwdriver head. So before I could put two and two together I'm smearing grease all over the drivers seat, and I think, "I better remember to put this napkin on the seat before I drive home."

Well since I already made a mess, I figured the least I could do is scrap off this damn dried up cheese. So I'm scrapin' and scrapin' not thinking about anything else, cause once I got my mind set on somethin' there's no turnin' back. Anyway I get so riled up about gettin' this cheese off, I forget that it had rained that afternoon and the parking lot's still a little slick.

My right leg looses ground and and I slip and drop right on my right knee and then I slide some more, so I'm kinda lying face down with my chest leanin' on the floorboard of the car and my legs straight out in the parking lot, and my knee hurts like crazy. I stand up and my pants are torn at the knee. I roll my eyes and toss the screwdriver in the back seat.

Just as I sit down, I remember the grease on the front seat.

I come home and I got a dirty torn knee, grease on my butt and a big yellow smear on the back of my pants. Nobody asked any questions, they just shook their heads as I went to my room. I live with my mom, a picture of my dad, my sister and her husband, and my grandpa. We all live together cause' there's so much room in a trailer - no use in lettin' all that space go to waste.

Anyway, at dinner my sister says some sexual innuendo to her husband, and my grandpa mutters, "Everything taste better with blue bonnet - on it." And he laughs and chokes. If anyone knows what the heck he's talkin' about, please let me know!

Anyway, I don't remember your question, but I hope I answered it!

I gotta go now, I hear the ding-ding truck!

And now you know!

Johnny Vincent from El Cerrito, CA, asks . "Hey Bob, how can I become as popular as You?

A: . Interesting. Just the other day I was workin' on my car "jammin'" to "Picking up the Pieces" by the Average White Band (AWB), when my wife (A weird hippy-chick that wears sandals and sun dresses, and sings "Lillith Fair" songs all day long.) says, "You and your old folks music!" She then rolls her eyes (she's about 12 years younger than me). Of course she meant this in a nice way.

So I think, "Well, I guess I'm no longer the popular 'hipster'that I used to be. I can still do the "Frantic Kat" a popular dance craze back in the old days. But I guess there's not much call for that dance now. I figure' I'd turn on the TV and watch the MTV that all the kids have been talkin' about, which would show me "what's - what."

So I turn on the MTV. Just a bunch of goofy lookin' teenagers, that needed showers, talkin' sex this and sex that, then comes ten minutes of commercials. Then blah, blah, more sex talk, and 15 minutes of commercials. Then blah, blah, bla-blah, another commercial and...I changed the channel. Didn't make any sense to me. A Music TV Station with no music...oh, well.

Then I go down a notch on the dial and find this new TV Station called VH-1. It's another Music TV Station. I don't know what the VH stands for, my tv has a VHF...you know with channels that go up to 44 and 56. But VH-1 is not on VHF, it's on cable. I don't get it. My video player is VHS, maybe? Oh...never mind.

So this VH-1 didn't have any videos either, but it did have shows about music. I saw a show called "Behind the Scenes." It was about a new pop sensation called "The Vanilla Icicle." He's a "Wrapper," whatever that means. I saw another show about the M & M Candy Man, I'm not sure but I think he's a comedian. I kept waiting for him to do the song by Sammy Davis Jr., but he never did.

Anyway, both of these guys had funny white hair and wore fine fancy accessories. They said "word to yo' mutha!" all the time. I thought it sounded funny and I tried it..."Honey?" I shouted out of the room.

"Yes dear?"
"Word to yo' mutha!" I shouted as I giggled like a little school girl.
"Shuddup, you moron," she replied.

I recalled my last visit to my shrink...maybe it was just a "flashback," I don't remember.

"My wife don't think I'm hip."
"I see why..."
"I don't wanna loose her, she's real pretty. See..." I show him a picture.
"Does she do drugs?"
"Uh-huh."
"Just as I suspected."
"Huh?"
"Any woman that pretty would have to be on some heavy drugs to marry the likes of you. I mean that in a nice way."
"Is my marriage in trouble?"
"Only if she goes to rehab...you better start as soon as possible, in case that ever happens."
"Start?"
"Your new image...The new you...The New Bob!"
"What do I do?"
"To start, you know that hat you're wearing?"
"Yup, it's just like the one Dick Tracy wears, he's real cool."
"No he's not and neither is that stupid hat..."
And so on and so forth...

I needed a new image and I just realized that the Vanilla Icicle and the M & M Candy Man hold the key. "That's right - word to yo' mutha'." First I'll use the new popular phrase. Next I made my own fancy accessories.

Right now "The New Bob" is sitting at the computer, "that's right - word to yo' mutha'." I got cool sunglasses on, which makes it hard to see, so the brightness is up...full blast! I don't have a gold chain, instead I cut the ends off of an extension cord (got rid of the plug & socket), then tied each end to a fancy hubcap from the garage. I'm wearin' it around my neck. I'm a regular "Cool Man Luke."

My wife just walked by and shook her head.

Oh, yeah.

She's overcome by my coolness.

"Word to yo' mutha'."

And now you know.