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08/14/00

Ask Bob!
By "Bob Senitram"

Hey you crazy kids! First I would like to thank everyone who has sent in questions for this article we really appreciate your support! I gather Weirdcrap has become quite the rage in some colleges.

However, I won't be answering any questions today because of a grave situation that has occurred which will effect each and every one of us. I am talking about the death of Steven Johnson our "Lunatic Ravings" commentator.

It seems like only yesterday the staff of Weirdcrap.go.cc were gathered at our office window watching the police pull Steven out of the garbage dumpster and haul him off to jail. We'd sit and laugh as he took weak aimless swings at the arresting officer, who would usually answer with a swift blow to his head with a billy-club.

Ahhhh, good times.

Now he is gone. I remember where I was when I heard the news. I was reviewing his commentary, when I had a question about what picture to use on the homepage. I called his house...and no one answered! I let it ring 10 times and still no answer! I called several times since then and STILL - NO ANSWER!!!

"He's daid! He's daid!" I shouted, as I ran down the hall, "Stevens stanky...he don't move...he don't answer da' phone and he's daid!"

The receptionist looked up from her crossword puzzle, "You mean Steven, he's...dead?"

"He's daid, he don't answer the phone!"

"That's too bad," the receptionist replied. "We'll all miss him a whole lot. He was real...swell." She continued to work on her crossword puzzle. The phone rang, she picked it up and said "One moment please," and then hung up.

I came to the immediate conclusion that he is dead and that it was suicide. Although I'm not positive yet, I am certain. I attempted to go to where he lives and find out for sure. I couldn't find his place, I got drunk during lunch at work again and just couldn't find it.

And thus began my search for clues...first, if you read his commentary for 08/14/00, he states, "Wait a minute here." If you put the letters in that sentence backwards..."Ere h etun im at I aw," and you say it real fast over and over and over, it starts to sound like, "He pulled my guts out!"

It could also be murder. Just last week I wished him dead for several reasons...one about nudity and the other about money he owes me and never paid back. I'm sure he has given many other people reasons to kill him as well; however, If I turn out to be the murderer, I swear right here and now that I will not rest until I capture myself and turn myself in.

Study his commentary and help me find more clues. Let me know what you come up with...

Now to a different subject, I had received a few stories in the past, that just didn't seem to have enough detail to be considered a short story. Before his death, Jon disagreed. Here are the stories, let me know if you think they should have a spot in the story section...

Story #1:

Hi my name is Melannie Carbelms. I have a story to tell. We are a cheer leader with two heads. one day during a difficult stunt i fell on my spotter and we connected instantly. we have been living like this for 3 years now, and we were fine with it. but then one of us made varsity and one stayed on the freshman team. it was a very hard and difficult to decide what to do.

But in time we thought the smart thing to do is to play football, Because we would make a terrific quarter-back. then our senior year we both got accepted to different colleges, OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY, and Michigan. Eventually we chose Ohio because everyone knows that Ohio is the greatest school in the world! GO BUCKEYES!

WRITE US AT annakeiy@aol.com!

Thank you and go bucks!

Story #2: The thin reaper

One day the thin reaper, the grim reaper's son, was walking and saw a stick. He decided to trip over it. So he did. He landed on a girl.

"AHHHHH!!" she yelled. She leaned over and kissed him. "Will you go out with me?" she asked.

"Well since im attracted to fat ugly women, sure!" he invited her to his dads house. "Dad this is...."

" HEY! GET THAT SHINDOU OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"What's a shindou?" she asked.

" I don't know." the thin reaper said.

" SHE IS NOT A GIRL!" the grim reaper yelled.

"Whatever he says is not true!" she yelled back.

"YOU ARE A GIRL!" the dad yelled.

"Your not?" said the thin reaper.

"AHD!!!!!" she screamed and threw their oven out the window.

"YOUR PAYING FOR THAT!" yelled the dad.

And now you know.

Q:. If a cat lands on its feet, and buttered bread lands face down, what will happen if I tie a piece of buttered bread to the back of my cat?

A: . To answer this question I devised experiments to test each variable. First, I went to my wife's favorite restaurant and knocked bread out of the hands of people who were eating. I just reached out and slapped the hand of anyone who had a piece of bread in their hands. They dropped it every time.

Shortly after I started, I was thrown out of the restaurant. But all was not lost, I didn't have to pay for my meal!

Unfortunately, my wife who has her head in her hands crying, had to pay. It appears the restaurant "Shea-Whitey," was too high brow for my antics, so I went down to the truck stop down off highway 80 and tried the same thing.

When I finally woke up, I was in the parking lot, lying face down in puddle of mud with my pants around my ankles. I remember getting 3 tests done, before some of the truckers started noticing that I was knocking the bread out of their hands on purpose, and decided to take me outside. That's the last thing I remember.

One other thing, the bread landed face down every time!

Next, I had to test the cat. I put my cat on the counter and pushed him off. He landed on his feet. Then I thought, maybe he wouldn't land on his feet from a higher distance. Luckily I live in a two story apartment, but I didn't want my cat to get hurt. So I lured one of the neighbor's cat into the house with a bowl of Meow Mix and tuna.

She was happily gobbling up the food, when I grabbed it by the waist and flung it out the kitchen window. There's a bunch a trees out there, so it hit one branch after another, then hit the ground with a "thud," and landing on its side! She's still there now, on her side. She don't move anymore. I concluded that cats only land on their feet, if they fall from short distances.

Now I need another cat, so its back to the front yard with the Meow Mix and tuna.

Got a little Kitten this time. I tied the bread to the back of kitty and knocked it off the counter. I repeated this several times, but the bread kept sliddin' around to the kitty's stomach. I tied the bread tighter to the kitty, but the bread broke in half. I tried it again, the bread broke in half again! I'd have to try another strategy.

I figured glue would hold the bread down nice and tight. But when I tried to put glue on the kitty's back, it kept runnin' around and a-fussin'. So I put the kitty in a vice to hold it down, and gave it a good hard turn to tighten it up. I guess I turned that handle one time too many, cause now that little kitty just hangs from that vice as quiet as can be.

Now, I'm back in the front yard with the meow mix and tuna...

This time, I slabbed a brick with some quick drying cement and waited for it to almost dry. Then I took the new cat and pushed its belly down on that brick, so it would stick and not run around and carry-on like that kitty. Now that I got that cat nice and still, so I can commence to glue that bread to its back.

Now I did some evaluatin', on the situation and came to the conclusion that the brick on that cats belly is gonna weigh it down some. So I had figured, that if I glued that buttered bread to another brick, and then cemented that brick to the cats back, it would cancel out the brick on cats belly and allow the bread and cat to land in their own natural way.

Once I got it all set up, I pushed the cat off the counter. "Klud!" The cat and the bread landed on its side! I tried it again, "Klud!" On the side again. Then I realized that the distance from the counter to the floor was too short to give a reliable result, so I flung the cat, bread and bricks out the kitchen window.

"Crash! Crakkle! Crash - Break! Thud!" I looked out the window. On the side again! That cat broke each branch it bumped into on the way down. Now it's just lyin' there.

On its side.

Now the landlord is mad at me for messing up his trees and I got three dead cats at the apartment. But that's ok, it was all in the name of science. There you have it, the bread wants to land on its face and the cat wants to land on its feet. The two cancel each other out.

I gotta go now, three of my neighbors are at the front door with the police. They probably want to know the results of my test!

And now you know.