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09/04/00

Ask Bob!
By "Bob Senitram"

Q: Why do kamakazi pilots wear helmets?

Last week Jerome broke into my desk and stole the questions that had been sent to me. He also attempted to answer this question, but he was all wrong! Don't believe a thing he says!

A: Kamakazi pilots were real all right, but they didn't start out that way...

Back in the 40's a Japanese company called Toho, Inc. had plans to make a movie about a giant lizard that stomps around crashing buildings. They just thought it would look funny to see a guy in a monster suit smash stuff. They also thought it would be neat to have the monster attacked by airplanes.

As fate would have it, the movie didn't go into production until many years later because of the war; however, Toho did attempt to start the movie prior to WWII, and the legacy of their work (prior to production) still lives on.

The biggest roadblock that Toho suffered was attacking the monster with airplanes. They tied model airplanes to string but the string swayed back and forth, and broke all the time. Then someone had the great idea to harness the power of "Radio Waves."

In theory, this would allow them to have an airplane with a tiny motor, fly at the monster. It would be controlled by a machine they called "The Remote Control." It seemed impossible, but Toho, Inc. was just crazy enough to give it a go.

And it worked! - Sort of...

The steering was unreliable and the planes often spun out of control and hit the poor guy in the lizard suit. The tiny planes broke lights, smashed windows and caused all sorts of problems. Oui-vey! They decided to just use the string. It was about this time that war broke out.

The Japanese Navy heard about this "Remote Control Technology," and approached Toho with a plan to put it to use. The original plan was to attack our guys with pilot-less airplanes that were controlled using the new "Remote Control Technology." They put cardboard cut outs with life-size pictures of pilots inside. This way, the Americans would not suspect the new "Remote Control Technology." This secret was also kept from the Japanese pilots as well.

Well, well, that Kamakazi thing was totally unplanned! I turned out that they couldn't control the planes any better than Toho could. The planes could get to their destinations ok, but once they got there all hell broke loose! They would spin out of control...run into their target, hit another plane, and sometimes just spin right into the ocean.

Oddly enough, other pilots would see how brave their cardboard colleagues were, and wanted to imitate them by crashing into their targets when ever they ran out of bullets or gas. The next thing you knew, was the sky was filled with planes that were crashing to boats, each other, and the ocean! Boy! What a mess! You couldn't tell the real pilots from the remote controlled ones.

Well, anyway the pictures of pilots used in the remote control airplanes had helmets on.

And now you know.

Q:. Hi, I'm Katie and I am a Taurus! I like Chihuahuas and Chinese Noodles! Anyway, I have a busy schedule and I just don't have the time to watch every new show that comes out. What's the scoop with the fall line up!

A: . Wow! You're a talking car. That's cool.
About them TV shows. All I know is that if it gonna be shown on a network during prime time it's gonna suck. I don't even look at the part of the TV Guide that has network shows on it. Actually, I don't use a real TV guide, I use the Entertainment part of the Newspaper 'cause I'm too cheap to buy a real TV guide.

At the end of the week, when I'm finished with that part of the paper, I use it to wrap up leftovers that I keep in the fridge. I also wrap up my sandwiches, that I take to work, in old newspapers and it's a darn good toilet paper too!

When I have guests over, I put out the fancy "color" newspaper ads 'cause the ink don't rub off on your booty with the color ads. Personally, I like having that ink around my bung hole, on account that the ink has a distinct strong odor that helps hide the rank odor that I carry down there 'cause I don't like to shower much. Oh, well. I'm still good people.

I think I've shared too much. Oh well, its too late now.

As I was saying, most of those network shows are the same. Let's see, there's a show with Dick Van Dyke, he's a bicycle repairman - or something stupid like that. He solves murder mysteries...like all bicycle repairmen. Sounds like "Quincy" to me...same stupid story, although I liked "Quincy" 'cause Jack Klugman rules. I never really liked Dick Van Dyke. Let's see there was also "Murder She Wrote," which I think was about some old lady who solves murder mysteries...like all old ladies do...and then there's the "Nancy Drew Stories..." oh geez, I'm tired of talkin' about 'em already...they all pretty much suck.

Then there's the "New St. Elswhere," show with George Clooney, no wait, he left the show to make Batman...well anyway I've been sick of hospital shows since "Trapper John MD." Actually "Ben Casey" sucked, and so did "Marcus Welby" and "Medical Center." Not a good bunch in the lot, yet the networks still persist on making the same shows over and over.

My advice to you, is to watch "Nick at Night" whenever it's convenient for you, because most likely whatever you watch on the networks has already been done 20 years ago. Personally, if it ain't on The Sci-Fi Channel, The Comedy Channel, or the Playboy Channel, I ain't watchin' it.

And now you know.