.

12/12/00

Ask Bob!
By "Bob Senitram"

This person did not leave their name, but they did leave a question:

Hey you! What's your favorite Saturday Morning Cartoon?

I got up early this Saturday morning at 11:30, drank two beers, lit a cigarette and turned on the tv to find out which cartoon I liked best. Most were over, so I looked in the tv guide and made judgments based on their names.

I didn't like the names of any of the cartoons I saw, so I had a couple more beers and took a stroll down to the local library, to see if they had any good comic books that I could read for free.

Heck, if I couldn't get in!

People were all over the place...there were tv camera's and networks and all kinds of stuff.

"Tallahassee sucks." I said to myself under my breath. Confused and dizzy from all the commotion and walkin' and beer, I thought I'd ask someone what was goin' on.

"What's all this, then?" I ask.

"Haven't you heard about it on the news!" the man shouted back over all the noise and confusion.

"About what?"

"They decided to count all the votes in Florida, you know the ones kicked out by those counting machines."

"No!" Another guy jumps into the conversation, "...he's lying! Their trying to take the Presidency back from George Bush! Presidenting is HARD! And George W. is just the man. We don't need no stinkin' votes!"

"It's ok!" I heard an old man weakly shout over the noise, "It's all right, Jesus told me so..." His voice faded away.

I asked the second guy, "I thought George Bush stopped being President a long time ago. Isn't he like 109 years old by now?"

At that, they both ignored me and took back to yellin' and waving their signs. All I wanted was a comic book.

Then I notice all them tv news people.

National News.

And I get me to thinkin'.

I ran back home and made me a sign like one of them protesters signs, it said in big letters, "Visit TheWeirdcrap.com on the Internet!" But to make sure I could fit everything on the sign, I started on the bottom of the sign and worked my way up.

I turned out that I didn't plan the space too good and the letters that spelled, "on the Internet" was about a 2 feet high, and by the time I got to "Visit TheWeirdcrap.com" I only had about 4 inches of space to write, so you can't see the name of the web site too good. But there was no time to fuss and fret about this and that, I had a web site to promote!

I ran back to the library with my sign. Out of breath, I got there just in time for one of them CNN Broadcasts. I walked behind one of the newscasters and held the sign up nice and high so everybody could see it over the news person's head. Then a million people would see the sign and visit our site.

Some guy yells, "Hey you get out of there!".

So I run away.

A few moments later, I'm back with my sign.

Now a policeman yells, "Hey you get out of there!"

So I run away again, only this time the policeman chases me.

Now I'm in jail and they don't have no comic books here, so I'm back where I started. They had a tv in the jail house tuned into the CNN, but I didn't see myself on the news. But I did catch up on all this presidential stuff.

They said that the fate of the Presidency is in the hands of Floridians (I don't count because I'm from Nebraska).

Now I know America is doomed because I've lived in Florida for two years now, and I know that Floridian's just don't have that good of schoolin'. People just ain't got no common sense.

Allow me to show you what I mean. Driving in Florida is like you drove into a high school parking lot and you can't get out. You know how kids drive, they'll zip along at 50 mph only to come to a stop sign 15 feet away. Kids are stupid, but forgivable cause they're just too young to know any better. Well that's how everybody down here drives, and it's not forgivable.

For example, the other day someone flies up behind me, drives bout 3 inches from my bumper for 10 minutes, then he flies around me goin' crazy fast, only to come to a red light. I looked over expecting some stupid kid, but instead I saw a gray haired man with a suit. He looks my way and flips me the finger. I was guilty of driving the speed limit.

The light turns green and he takes off like a bat out of hell, swerves in front of me with no blinkers, then hits the brakes...go figure. I just try not to react to this sort of nonsense because it'll just get them all excited and that's what they want. It's best to ignore people around here, but sometimes they do get on your nerves.

Then there are the city planners.

In Nebraska when they build a new road or highway, it's in anticipation of increasing traffic. In other words, if today we need a two lane road, they'll plan ahead and build a four lane road cause they know traffic will increase. For the most part we're set up pretty good.

In Florida, if they need a two lane road today, they make plans to build them a two lane road! If you suggest they should add a few lanes to anticipate future traffic, people around her will just say your talkin' crazy!

Then, by the time the new road is built, traffic increases and the new road is no longer big enough and they start all over again. Stupids. Go figure, people reproduce and the population actually gets larger as time progresses...what a surprise!

That's right up there with "Ice melting." Sometimes it happens, but no one ever really expects it. Well not in Florida anyway. As you may have guessed, I really love living in Tallahassee, Florida.

Our Governor's name is "Jeb." Need I say more?

Now the fate of our country, relies on these Floridians.

There is only one solution.

Count all the votes in Florida. Make sure it's 100% accurate, and who ever wins in Florida...pick the other guy on the basis that all Floridians are idiots and will always make the wrong decision.

Afterwards, we should see if we can talk Cuba into taking possession of Florida and we can be rid of it once and for all. With all the Republicans tryin' to set up a dictatorship, free of free elections, I'm sure they'll get along with Castro just fine.

And now you know!

Frank Furter from Osage Beach:
How come everytime I play basketball they keep scoring goals because the goalie isnt doing anything. He has 3 white balls, a carrot nose and nog long stick arms and still isn't blocking the goals. The ball also weighs 15 pounds so we have to roll it?

Dear Frank Furter:

Well, I don't think you're playing basketball. I think your playing hockey and your goalie just might be a snowman. But there's only one way to find out for sure.

You see, me, Jerome and Stephen, used to play hockey every Sunday. Jerome was our goalie, but during one game he just stood there motionless staring straight ahead. He never blocked the puck, he wouldn't respond when we talked to him. He just stood there. After the game, he didn't leave...just stood there staring out into space. We didn't think much about it at the time.

But then the next Sunday, he was still there, wearing the same clothes, still staring straight ahead. During the game he never moved, after the game...he still don't move!

So me and Stephen came to the conclusion that somebody went and replaced our Jerome with a fancy snowman and there was only one way to find out.

We ran to my house, boiled a big pot of water, then we ran back to the park and dumped it on Jerome's head.

He didn't melt! Instead he started runnin' around and a screamin' like a crazy madman. But at least we got him movin'.

We figured he weren't a snowman.

His face turned all red and little bubbles started forming on his big swelled head.

In a way, we felt partly responsible. But then we figured if he wasn't such a freak, standing there for two weeks without saying a word, then this never would have happened. So it was still his fault. But still, we wanted to help just the same.

Lucky for us there were some fishermen doin' some winter fishin' at a pond close by. So we grabbed Jerome by the collar and dragged him over to the hole in the ice, and dumped him in. Then we waited for him to come climbing out of that freezin' water. We waited and waited...no Jerome. We wait some more, but he don't come back.

The next thing I know, we're explaining the whole thing to the police. I tell 'em that Jerome probably found a hole at the bottom of that pond which lead to the other side of the world, where it's nice and warm. That's why he never came back.

The didn't believe me and we end up in jail for killing Jerome. While in Jail, I get drug tested and they send me to rehab.

Two weeks later, Jerome climbs out of the hole in the ice - Stephen gets let out of jail, but they keep me in rehab!

Stupid Jerome.

We ask him why he don't move for two weeks, and all he says is, "...I was thinkin'."

Then he says he found a hole in the bottom of the pond. He swam in it and it lead to the other end of the world where it was nice and warm, so he decides to stay there and chill for a while.

Thanks, Jerome.

Recently, in "Lunatic Ravings, Stephen says I was in jail for two weeks for taking too many drugs. Like that's possible. He exaggerated, I was only in jail for 3 days, then I got thrown in rehab to get me off them drugs and alchohol.

Of course as soon as I got out, I go back to my old ways. But the staff was real nice to me while I was there.

In appreciation toward all those who helped keep me sober for two weeks, and to celebrate the holiday season, I wrote this little "didley."

I call it...

"The 12 Days of Rehab."

On the Twelfth day of rehab, by Doctor gave to me,

Twelve Mg's methadone,

Eleven mood stabilizers,

Ten minutes counseling,

Nine Acetyl-choline shots,

Eight samples Amineptine,

Seven-ty five Mg's Dothiepin,

Six Serotonin Inhibitors,

Five Anti-panic drugs,

Four Trazodones,

Three Neuroleptics.

Two Prozac Pills,

And a Nicotine Patch for my arm.


And now you know!