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I'm Pissed! for 05/22/00 & 05/25/00

05/22/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

I would like to thank everyone who sent us email the last few days. Your support is very much appreciated, and we will try our best to satisfy each and every one of you. But not in that way.

However, with the good comes the bad. Since we do not beg people to click on our sponsors (like other sites do), we have decided that refills at the soda machines will no longer be free. We are sorry about any inconvenience this may cause.

Before I get into urinal etiquette, I must offer my best wishes to Matthew Perry of "Friends". He is in the hospital due to some mysterious stomach pains.

Matthew, Matthew, Matthew. If I have told you once, I have told you a million times, do NOT swallow Ziploc bags full of cocaine and heroin because you need to smuggle it into the country. You can get it in good ole America in almost any town!!! And if you get caught, you can just go to rehab again and get "reformed"!

I am only looking out for your health.

Remember, in ten years, you have a nice gig waiting for you on late night television hawking some butt tightening exercise stuff, and maybe you can get that coveted hosting job on "America's Funniest Home Videos". We as a nation are rooting for you to get better. Really.

Now to that urinal stuff. These are just tips to make your peeing experience that much more better.

If there are three urinals and no one else in in the bathroom DO NOT take the middle one. Take the one to the far left or the far right. This way, the drunken fat slob doesn't have to pee next to you and talk to you about how the band "rocks". Also, remember if someone is using either the far left or far right urinal, use the urinal farthest from him. If someone comes in when both of those urinals are being used, chances are they might just use the stall instead.

Also, do not pick your nose and wipe it on the wall above the urinal. That is just sick.

However it is kinda fun to pretend to look into the urinal while you are peeing and saying out loud,"Hey, that kinda looks like blood."

Or when you are done, you can also say, "All right!! It doesn't burn as much as it did this morning!!" Ahh, the humor in that.

Now for some quick movie reviews:

"Gladiator"--A tiger and some swords and blood, I guess. And Kid Rock sings!!!!! Looks like it might be good.

"Battlefield Earth"--John Travolta as rasta man. Might wait till that comes on cable.

"Center Stage"--A movie about dancing. Can it top "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo"? I think not.

"Mission: Impossible 2"--Nifty neat-o motorcycle stunt. Will pay $9.00 for that.

"Shanghai Noon"--Jackie Chan is God. Not Eric Clapton, but Jackie Chan.

"Road Trip"--Tom Green puts a mouse in his mouth. So what?

Hopefully, that helps you pick the right movie to see.

If you are sick of hearing about the Backdoor Boys. 'N Stynk and all those other clone "boy" bands, this Tuesday two albums are coming put that you might want to pick up. The first is from King's X, a band that consistently puts out the most incredible music on this here planet. So, go to your local record store and pick up "Please Come Home......Mr. Bulbous". You will not be disappointed. The second comes from a band called Raven. In 1983 they released "All For One", probably one of the
best heavy metal albums of the 80's. Loud, ferocious, and fast, it kinda makes your brain turn to sludge. Anyhoo, this coming Tuesday they are releasing "One For All", the first time a new album has been released statewide for quite a few years. Give it a try and see if you like it.

And remember, Darva is still a stank whore, but it seems that Rosie O'Donnell is creeping up in the rankings. Anyone you think has reached stank whoredom?? Drop me a line!!!

Thanks for reading and for your support!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT WEEK: More movie reviews?

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I'm Pissed! for 05/22/00 & 05/25/00

05/25/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

So, my good buddy Matthew Perry ran his car into someone's porch because he was trying to avoid another vehicle. And he wasn't under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Riiiiight.

I will not mention the fact that he can afford to pay off a cop on his salary. I will not mention that because that would be wrong, and downright offensive. That is something that I try not to be.

Now for Rosie O' Donnell. Someone asked me why I despise her so.

Well, I'll tell you.

One night, my wife and I went to a fine local eatery and left our children in the capable hands of a 13 year old baby sitter.

When we got home, we were shocked to find all three of our children sobbing hysterically in a corner of the living room as the baby sitter sat staring blankly at the tv screen with a small rivulet of drool
coming from her mouth.

After months of extensive research, we finally discovered the reason why this happened.

The baby sitter decided the children could stay up a bit late and watch a movie called "Exit to Eden", which had Rosie in it.

My poor children are now scarred for life after seeing Rosie in lingerie. Thank you, Rosie. My children are now not able to succeed at anything in their life because of you. I only wonder how many more children are screwed up because of you. I hope your talk show fails and you get your head stuck in a vise.

And now she is suing a radio station in the upper northwest because they DARE to use the word "Rosie" before their call letters. Yeah, Rosie, you are the only one allowed to use that word and any variation of that word. You and my palm.

I do not have any new movie reviews today because I have not seen any new ones advertised on the tv.

Sorry.

Darva? Still a skanky whore. I kind of wonder what she was like while working in the hospital with all those patients who were about to die.

Hmmmmm......

Next week: Bring back Deborah Foreman!!!!!!!!!!!?