I'm Pissed! for 06/15/00 & 06/22/00

06/15/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

Please remember that there will be no new posts until 6/21/00. We will be scouting sites around the country for the movie, and will probably be really, really drunk. In the meantime, go right ahead and visit Deborah Foreman's website. We have provided a link located to the right of these words. However, we have not heard back from her about starring in our movie, but that is understandable since we had 3/4 of the first page done but had to start all over again since I spilled some Crisco on it.

Luckily, we kind of remember some of the stuff we had so it should come back to us pretty easily.

Do you realize how hard it is to hold a fork to a person's eye while you force them into doing something they really don't want to do? Well, I do. I had to force Bob to thank all of you that visit this site. He would rather sit on his front porch with a can of Pabst and a Lucky Strike, while rubbing Bosco on his naked beer belly, instead of showing any appreciation. This is what I have to deal with every single day.

Please pity me.

Now, I have to hang out with him for the next week. My life truly sucks.

So, Eminem is in trouble with the law. Shocking. I never saw anything like that coming. If he goes to jail, he is going to be a fine bitch to someone.

Sinead O' Connor now claims she is a lesbian. How long will she remain an ordained priest/minister?

Rosie O'Donnell is getting some heat by having her children's (adopted, remember) bodyguard carry a handgun. I could care less about the bodyguard carrying a gun even though she is very anti-gun. I also understand why she wants to do this. What I don't understand is why she has never given birth to a child. Have I missed something here?

My good buddy Matthew Perry is back in the news. It seems that he has a spermal infection in one of his ears. This is what I have been told by a very good source.

Okay, that was a lie. The "good" source was Chris, and we don't even know if "spermal" is an actual word, but we thought we would give it a try. It could end up being true, though.

Someone asked me why I don't pick on David Schwimmer because he is much more annoying than Matthew. The reason is quite simple: David looks like someone who would break down and cry at the drop of a hat. I would not want to mess with his fragile ego. Besides, Matthew drove his car into someone's house. Therefore, he deserves to be picked on.

You might have noticed the link to half.com on this site. If you haven't, you really need to go there. It is a very fun site to shop at.

If a deaf person is going to sue "Who Wants to be a Millionaire", then I am going to start suing everyone because I am left handed and everything is set up for right handed people.

I am going to sue that person who grabbed the last Slim Jim from the rack before I could get to it because, I can prove that I was looking at it before they were, so it was rightfully mine.

I am going to sue the producers of "Friends" because it is supposed to be a comedy, yet I do not laugh.

I am going to sue the state of Utah because they are violating my rights by making it illegal for me to order a quality porno movie and have it shipped to Utah.

As I have stated before, we seem to be getting a little bit sue-happy. Sure, some have merit, but others just seem to be a little bit far fetched and ludicrous. The worst thing about this is the local newscasts pick up on these and give these people their 15 minutes of fame. If these people are so desperate for money, maybe they should get a job.

There should be a ban on putting children in local commercials. These kids cannot act and make the commercials more cheesy. There is a local commercial that runs here for a tire company and the same kid has been in the commercial for the last ten years. It looks like the kid is 5 but it seems that he has been doing commercials for the last 10 years. I think his parents have been giving him some anti-growth pills so the kid looks "cute" and it helps business. Well, because of this kid, I will never shop at that store. So there!!

I have no idea why I wrote that last paragraph. I am just to lazy to delete it.

By the way, I was told to watch the language in this column because it might offend. I am doing pretty good with that today.

MOVIE REVIEW!!!!!!!!

"Shaft"--He's a bad motherfucker. ( Kiss my fucking ass about the language, Bob)

Yep, only one movie review today. Therefore, I will do reviews of new CD's!!!!

Britney Spears, "Oops!....I Did it Again"---I haven't heard this one.

'N Sync, "No Strings Attached"---Nope. Haven't heard this one either.

Well, forget music reviews. I am getting bored doing them.

I have to leave now. My wife refuses to bow to my wishes and get me a damn beer.

Take care and we'll be back in about a week!!!!!!

COMING SOON--Our trip to Omaha!!!!!

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I'm Pissed! for 06/22/00

06/22/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

We went to Nebraska last week to scout locations for the movie. I kept a diary of our trip which you can read below because we are really giving people!!!

Wednesday, Day 1:

Major delay in landing plane in Nebraska since there is a cow on runway.
Have been circling now for 2 hours. Pilot says the farmer will not move cow until it is finished grazing.

After 3 hours of circling we are finally landing!!! Departed plane. Can't find Bob, he might have accidentally wandered into the cornfield.
Found Bob after searching for an hour.

Airport about the size of a 7-11. Asked where the bathroom was. Told to go behind the airport and use the outhouse.

Met Chet, a native Nebraskan, who will be our guide. He wears a cowboy hat and drives a pickup truck. Chet took us to a local trailer park. He explained that the one hotel in Omaha was completely booked up for a pig calling contest. He did manage to find us a trailer to stay in. There is a car on blocks in the parking space of the trailer.

Trailer has two bedrooms, a small living room and a small kichenette.There is a 13" black and white tv in the living room. Chet tells us there was no expense spared for us. Claims this is the ritziest place in the whole state. Tells us outhouse is around the back of the trailer and that we are lucky because we have our own outhouse and don't have to share it with the whole trailer park. Seems to me they really are sparing no expense.

Told Chet to meet us in the morning. We are tired after the long trip.

Thursday, Day 2:

Woke up at 5 am. Fucking rooster outside the window.
Had a beer.
Bob woke up. He had a beer.
Bob noticed that there was no shower or even a bath tub. We watched tv for a while. Nothing on the one channel except for a test pattern.

Chet showed up at 7. Asked him where we could wash up. He didn't understand what we were talking about. Good thing we brought lots of deodorant. Chet asked us if we wanted some hookers. Said the state was full of them. Told Chet maybe later.

Chet took us to a grocery store. We stocked up on Slim Jim's, pork rinds and beer. Only thing the store sold, basically.

Had breakfast. Beer, Slim Jim's and pork rinds do not really make a good breakfast. I puked.

Asked Chet to take us to a Nebraskan landmark. He took us to a cornfield. Checked out the Nebraska visitor's guide. It is only one page. Decided to try downtown Omaha to scout locations.

Took a very long time to drive 10 miles to get downtown. Were stuck behind tractors the whole time. Chet explained that it was rush hour.

Downtown consists of a one room school, a general store, a blacksmith shop and an outhouse. We are going to film the whole movie here, we decide.

Chet takes us to the Nebraskan film commission office. It is a one story building, but it is closed. There is a sign on the door and I think it says "Went Chicken Fucking."
Bob thinks it might be be "plucking" instead of "fucking". Chet says he has done both, as most Nebraskans have, and is unsure. We decide to come back tomorrow.

Chet takes us back to the trailer. We tell him to meet us back in the morning at 7 again. We drink beer until we pass out.

Friday, Day 3:

Woke up at 5 am. Fucking rooster outside the window.
Had a beer. Bob has been up and drinking since 4.

Chet shows up at 7. Bob and I both smell rancid. Chet doesn't seem to notice, probably because he doesn't smell too good. Declined Chet's offer of breakfast. Told him we were fine with beer and cigarettes.

Went to Dodge Road, a major road in Omaha. It is not paved. Chet says it is a major hang out in Omaha. Says there are a lot of hookers there. Went to a mall located at 72nd Street and Dodge Road. It only has 3 stores, and 2 of them are cowboy hat stores. The other one sells bib overalls. Bob and I got really bored.

Went back to film commission office. It is still closed with the same sign on the door. Chet admits he doesn't remember if he has ever seen the office open. He also admits he really doesn't know what a movie is since they don't have those in Nebaska.

Chet took us home. He offered to bring us his mom and his sister who are both hookers. We declined his offer. Bob is a clean freak and decides to clean himself with beer. I used the sink in the kitchen.

We drank beer until about 3 in the morning.

Saturday, Day 4:

Woke up at 5 am. Fucking rooster outside the window. Had a beer. Bob has not slept, has been drinking all night.

Chet arrives at 7. I didn't tell him to show up. Told Chet we were going to hang around the trailer and work on the script. Chet offers to send his grandma over, claims she is a grade A hooker. Bob looks interested, but we decline the invitation. Chet leaves.
We drank beer all day and pass out at about 11 pm.

Sunday, Day 5:

Woke up at 5 am in a puddle of my own vomit. Fucking rooster outside the window.

Woke Bob up and offered him a beer. He wanted Jack Daniels. I gave him the bottle.

Chet shows up at 7. He tells us today is his 25th birthday and he has to take part in a Nebraskan tradition that involves a sheep and a car battery. We turn down his invitation to attend and tell him he can go since we won't need him for today.

Tornado touched down and destroyed most of the trailer park. We were lucky since only the roof of our trailer was torn off. Also think we lost some beer.
Just learned that 98% of Omaha consists of trailer parks and that the whole town is basically destroyed. No state of emergency was announced since the governor has no phone.

Bob went to pee, but the outhouse was blown away in the tornado. He peed on the side of the trailer.

Just found out a farmer and his family live in the car in the parking space. They have just returned from Iowa where they were gathered around a radio. I have no idea what that means. The car was blown off the blocks during the tornado, so we help the farmer but it back on the blocks. His wife checks the car and tells us that none of the family heirlooms were destroyed.

We decide to drink the rest of the day.

Monday, Day 6:

Woke up at 5 am. No rooster this time. Farmer and family are eating the rooster for breakfast. Woke up Bob and drank some beer.

Chet showed up at 7 to take us to the airport. Told us that the terminal was destroyed in the tornado but that the plane was untouched. Chet was right. No airport.

Said goodbye to Chet. We invited him to come out to the big city sometime. Maybe that was not a good idea since the culture shock would be incredible, possibly deadly. Oh well, we'll see what happens. Also told him we would be back soon to start filming.
Did we scout any locations??

Went to board plane and was told by the stewardess that I couldn't board with a lit cigarette. I threw it away.

Finally---the flight home!!!!!!

Oh-oh. I just looked out the window and the cornfield near the airport is on fire. Bob thinks it might have been me who caused it.


COMING NEXT--WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE TAMPON/SHIELD/PAD ADVERTISEMENTS?

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