Wow, this past Thursday was quite the day. I had the opportunity to watch Back N' Street Boys on HBO, and I could
also ask O. J. Simpson a question for the low price of $9.95. Days will not get any better than that.
In case no one knows, O. J. was a football star. He ran really, really fast. And, since
he is such a good hearted soul, he gave us the chance to ask him a question online. The best thing about this is
that the money you spent would not go into O. J.'s pocket!! It would go to a children's camp. What a thoughtful
human being. All this time he has been searching for Nicole's killer and he takes the time to keep us up to date
on how the search is going. Wow.
AND, I also learned that Nicole was to blame for her death. I had O. J. pegged wrong all these years. He is a smart,
sensitive human being. We all need to be like O. J., I think.
So, on to the continuing saga of our movie. What's it about? Telemarketers!!! Yep, good ole' telemarketers. The
scourge of society. Those pesky people who call you while you are eating your dinner, or when you cut your hand
off in the garage and really need the phone to call 911.
There is more to telemarketing than most people think. Sure, it's inconvenient when they call during dinner time.
However, these people are just doing their job.
It works 2 ways. Some overweight hog gets upset that they are interrupted during their 6 p.m. feeding frenzy because
a telelmarketer calls to discuss switching long distance carriers. However, this same hog has no problem sitting
on their couch on a Saturday morning eating a box of Boo Berry cereal with chocolate milk while watching an infomercial
with Richard Simmons hawking his "Sweatin' to the Oldies" video tape. As soon as Richard starts crying,
this hog drops their morning snack and rolls to the phone to dial the 800 number flashing prominently on the TV
screen.
So, the inbound telemarketers get deluged with calls from lifeless wanks who
believe what they see on TV is actually a quality product. And, after they receive the product, they call back
because it does not work and claim they were ripped off. Gee, no shit? Imagine having to deal with that day after
day.
Our movie will expose the telemarketing business. Believe it or not, most inbound telemarketers are alcoholics.
Call at 2 am in the morning to order a CD from Time Life music and chances are the rep is drunk. We will show this
plus much, much more. We believe the telemarketer should no longer be looked down on. That is our crusade. And,
no, we are not
telemarketers.
We will also show that Lisa from Time Life books does not exist. You call that 800 number and ask for Lisa but
she will always be "busy". Companies show a perky breasted woman to make you call and buy their products.
Who you actually talk to varies, but they probably will be drunk. See how tough this job is? They have to lie when
you call and believe in the product they are selling.
Yes, we have a plum role for Deborah Foreman, in case you're wondering. We want her to play the role of a person
in management who tries to help the telemarketers, but receives no support from others in management. So, she decides
to become a telemarketer. Seeing her fight for the rights of telemarketers will make you cry, we believe.
We have no idea who else will be in the movie, but we do need a really old lady who is very, very mean. Our search
continues.
I went to see "Pokemon 2: The New Blood". Okay, I didn't. Bob did.
On my way home from the store today, I swerved to miss a fuzzy caterpillar trying to make it across a two lane
road. After I swerved, I wondered what would have happened if there was a police officer around and he pulled me
over. Would my story about the caterpillar stick? My thinking is that the caterpillar worked his little furry ass
off to get across a two lane road, so why would I crush him when he was only a couple of feet away from freedom?
I would probably have had to take a sobriety test because it is kind of whacked that I swerved to miss a bug. Besides,
I think I blew the caterpillar to safety when I passed it so there would be no evidence. So, I probably would have
went to jail. Good thing I was the only person on the road.
Hey, I have watched "Cops" so I could have made it really interesting and not pulled over for the officer
and drove really fast until I made it home. Then, I would have run inside and locked the door and when they came
knocking, I wouldn't answer the door and they would break down the door and find me sitting in a corner smoking
a cigarette and petting my pet iguana and then they would ask me to put the cigarette out and I wouldn't so one
of them would take it out of my mouth and throw it in the fish bowl and then they would throw me to the ground
and handcuff me and I would talk about really creepy stuff and they would cram me into the back of the police car
and I would lay down on the back seat and kick at the windows so they would have to shackle me and then my neighbor
would come out in his
ripped tee shirt and boxer shorts and tell the police that I was always playing loud music late at night and then
they would bring me to the police officer hut and put me in jail. All this over a fuzzy caterpillar?
It just doesn't seem fair.
COMING NEXT: Why "Saved by the Bell" is much more realistic, and better, than "Friends".
By "Steven Johnson"
I can't believe the bullshit Bob is trying to lay on everyone with his last "Ask
Bob" entry (07/31/00). Take it from me, this is the last person you
want health tips from.
Bob smokes. A lot. We still believe nothing beats a good smoke. But, Bob did not mention anything in his column
about the joy of smoking. He's trying to hide something from you.
And about eating healthy? Bob thinks a healthy meal consists of a large mug of bourbon and Pop Tarts. He doesn't
eat vegetables. He claims they give him the runs. It seems he is trying to do some of that voodoo witch doctoring.
Don't believe a word that he writes.
I guess what I am trying to say is that Bob is a freak. He's almost 65 years old, yet tries to act like he's 25.
His wife is 19. I think she is putting evil thoughts into his head.
I remember the first time I saw Bob. He was sitting at his desk in the office, aimlessly pushing a pile of Chiclets
around with a pencil. I though he might be under the influence of some drug, so I reported him to security. He
was fired and escorted from the building. I noticed that he put up quite the struggle with one of the guards and
managed to throw a weak punch at one of them. At this time, I felt sorry for him and intervened.
Anyway, numerous support groups later, Bob was a better man. Sure, he drank copious amounts of Tequila and vomited
in many bars, yet he was a good, decent human being.
Not any longer. Ever since he was shot in the eye during a failed bank robbery, he has changed. His views on the
world and people have changed. He is trying to mess with everyone's minds by writing some whacked out shit. We
can't stop him, but we sure can try to help him. If that fails, we will just have to kill him in a merciful way.
For your benefit, do not send any more questions in to Bob until we find what is really wrong with him. Everyone
at Weirdcrap thanks you. His Mommy thanks you too.
I was going to write about how much more realistic "Saved By the Bell" is compared to "Friends",
but I will save that for next week. Sorry if you came here expecting that, but Bob has affected me.
FUCK
I just wanted to write that in case you are reading this at work and your boss happens to look over your shoulder.
Or, in case your mom happens to come into your room right when this shows up on your computer screen. Betcha Mom
doesn't let you come back to this site.
That's too bad because we are going to have...
HUGE NAKED BOUNCING BOOBIES next week.
What do you think about that, Mom?
That's it. Gotta save Bob.
COMING NEXT: That "Saved By the Bell" Thing