The Olympics. A time for the whole world to get together and play games against
one another. I have watched 2 hours and 5 minutes total this year.
I watched a couple hours of the opening ceremony hoping to see Olivia Newton John. After 2 hours though, I decided
there would be something more interesting on so I switched the channel. I did not get to see Olivia and do not
even know if she was there. Bummer.
A week later, I turned on the Olympics and they were showing men's gymnastics. The announcers were talking about
the participant and they stated that his wife had died. One announcer called it an "amazing tragedy".
How can a tragedy be called "amazing"? I guess if this lady had won the 36 million dollar lottery and
when she was going to the lottery office to claim her prize she was attacked by a rabid snail who ate her and the
lottery ticket whole, then that can be called an "amazing tragedy".
However, if she died from cancer and left behind her 1 year old daughter and husband, I would not call that "amazing".
A tragedy, yes. An "amazing tragedy", no.
Anyway, after the idiot announcer said that, I turned to another channel and have not watched since. Besides, I
don't think my home country of Botswana will win any medals.
I was sleeping the other day and was awakened by my cat. She told me to kill Bob. So, I ran to my local Home Depot
and picked up a shiny hatchet and went to the office. I crept into Bob's office and snuck up behind him, which
wasn't too hard considering he was drunk, and started to hack away at his body with the shiny hatchet.
Boy, was I surprised when Bob happened to walk into the office when I was in mid stroke! I was shocked and looked
closely at who I was hacking up and discovered it was Nate, our copy boy!
It turns out Bob had ordered some Bob Halloween masks and he gave one to Nate to try on! Hilarity ensued! Thank
goodness our security guard was very understanding about the whole incident and didn't file a report. I had egg
on my face that day!!
I will no longer listen to my cat. I guess you can call it evil since it talks, but it did tell me to kill Bob,
so it isn't that evil.
I just went outside to have a smoke and gaze at the pretty mountains. I was wondering if I could actually eat the
other members of the mountain climbing party if we got stranded in a really bad snow storm when an old lady came
up to me and asked if she could speak to me for a moment. Always the gentleman, I told her it would be quite all
right.
After the small talk was over, she pointed to some children that were playing outside and asked me if I was setting
a good example to the children by smoking.
I thought this over as I smoked the cigarette. Finally I said, "Gosh, I don't know. Would I be setting a bad
example by telling you to fuck off?"
Fucking Mormons.
COMING NEXT: What ever
happened to our new history of the world? Gee, I don't know! Maybe we can ask Bob!
By "Stephen Johnson"
As the home page says, we are now funk fortified!! We have been doing the jungle
boogie all week long because we have a new columnist! Debuting in the near future in Melissa with her "Chick
Shit for Chic Chicks" column. We are happy that we are finally going to have a column for the ladies every
week. Cooking tips, makeup tips, cleaning tips, etc., Melissa is going to cover them all plus more. We can't wait!!
And you might notice that the latest "Ask Bob" column is actually good and that is because Bob is in
the hospital preparing for major heart surgery. And he might die! We have never been so happy around here!!
Since I am so damn happy, I am going to dip into some email I have received and answer people's questions!!! Yippee!!
From Anthony Y in Missoula, MT:
"If you hate Bob so much, why don't you just kill him? Just
wondering."
Okay Anthony Y in Missoula, MT! If you say it's okay for me to kill Bob, then I will! Just for you!
From Barbara N in Verona, NJ:
"How come you don't have stuff for the ladies? We are people
too!!"
Don't you read my column? Didn't I just announce a new member to our team with a new column? Really, are you that
stupid?
From Jay K in Tampa, FL:
"What is the best light bulb to use in the foyer?"
Is this Jay the albino drunk? I don't know anyone who uses the word "foyer" anymore so I'm not going
to answer this.
From Stan L in Des Moines, IA:
"This is an 'Ask Bob' question: What is the correct temperature
to store tomatoes?"
Since you did not send this question to the "Ask Bob" email, I will not answer it nor will I forward
it to Bob. So there.
From Vicki M in Salt Lake City, UT:
"Do you really dislike the Mormon people so much?"
Yes, I think so.
From Randy M in Lubbock, TX:
"Who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin?"
An excellent question! For some reason, I hope it was Mick Foley.
That's all I feel like answering today, but keep them coming! We might post yours and someone in Thailand could
read it! Hey, maybe even someone in Omaha could read it! Wait, maybe not. I don't think anyone in Nebraska knows
how to read. They do know how to milk cows. And plow fields. I guess they don't need any reading skills for that.
I guess the New History of the World will be posted soon. That's what the boss said. Don't hold your breath.
COMING NEXT: Find out
who won the grand prize on the "Bob Death Wheel"!!!!!