Since the Mormon's are totally gutless and weak, they are trying to get to me
with their little bastard satanic mormonian children.
I went to the post office yesterday to mail a package and, as I was heading towards the entrance, a little satanic
shit ran towards me and rammed his fists into my testicles. The mother of this spawn saw all this happen and didn't
do a damn thing except call out to her other possessed child who was running up and down the sidewalk. She did
give me an evil look, though. I did feel a bit of sorrow for her since all mormonian tramp bitches are forced to
have at least 2 children by the time they are 15.
It finally dawned on me as I was gingerly walking into the post office that I am now a target of these satanic
mini-mormons. They have probably been told by their elders to inflict major damage to my testicles so that I will
not be able to reproduce. Soon they will be targeting every non-Mormon male and their precious testicles. This
way, the Mormons can keep on having the wenches squirt out more spawn and soon they will have taken over the world.
For now I am just a pawn.
However all you Mormon wheelbase out there: I GUARANTEE that the next time on of your vertically challenged wee
people come towards my testicles, I will see how far I can punt them. My testicles are sacred. The teeny heads
of little Mormons are not.
No one won the Bob death bet since he survived. I heard from a fourth hand source that the surgery went well. Everyone
is very bummed out around here with that news. And joy upon joy, Bob should be back this weekend unless something
strange happens to him. We can only hope.
Now to clear up a misconception perpetrated by Bob's fill in, Dangerous Dan (
or Dave or Dustin, whatever his name might be). The real reason he is called "Dangerous" is because when
he was in the third grade, he brought Jerome's mother in for show-and-tell and she just happened to be a hooker.
He was promptly escorted to the principals office and was then sent to the state psychiatric hospital. After numerous
tests they came to the conclusion that he was dangerous, hence the name. Don't let him fool you. At least he is
much better than Bob.
Gotta go and burn some Mormon propaganda that was just taped to my front door.
COMING NEXT: Shit, I don't
know.
By "Stephen Johnson"
I was sitting at home on Friday when there came a-knockin on my front door. I went to the peephole and looked out,
and what did I see? Why, a couple of suited Mormon bastards. "Converters", as I like to call them.
For some reason, I was scared so I ran. And I hid. I waited like a little child waiting for daddy to come home.
I pussied out big time.
I waited until I was sure they had left. Then, I looked out the peephole again and noticed a flyer stuck in the
front door across the way. I figured that I had the same flyer and left it there until later so they could not
figure that I was really home.
To make a boring story short, it was a flyer to try to convert me. However, I think these soulless bastards want
something more and are out to get me. So what that they wear suits and ties; they are all evil incarnate.
They will descend upon me in my weakest moment, like a vulture descends on road kill, and my life will be horribly
changed. And now, I know they are just waiting. Watching and waiting.
Therefore, I am going to a tattoo parlor to have Bubba tattoo "666" on my forehead! Hey, at least I will
be left alone. A small price I have to pay for my safety.
Does anyone else find the commercials for the movie "Ladies Man" to be as unfunny as I do? It seems that
the commercial is run every 15 minutes. Nothing against Tim Meadows and his previous fantastic career in cinema,
but I really can't see this movie making any money. Maybe I am missing something. Maybe it is the fucking funniest
movie ever made. But, I doubt it.
So, we have decided on a new contest! If the movie makes over 30 million dollars, then we will cut off one of Bob's
fingers. If the movie makes over 40 million, we will slice off a limb. And, if the movie grosses over 50 million,
we shall kill Bob. It's as simple as that. Bob's fate now rests in the hands of the movie-going public.
I do recommend that you read an Oprah book selection than go see "Ladies Man". I have a feeling you will
be more entertained with the book. When you are done with the book, you can sell it to one of many desperate Oprah
fans. If you go to "Ladies Man" you will be wasting at least 90 minutes of your life and at least $5.50.
The book seems to be the better option. Not that we don't want to kill Bob.
Shucky darns. We won't have to watch the tomahawk chop and the Atlanta Braves anymore this year? What a bummer.
COMING NEXT: Maybe something
interesting.