Body bags. I see lots and lots of body bags. Truth.com piles body bags on top
of each other to teach us the horrors of smoking. Smoking, they claim, kills mommies, daddies, brothers, sisters,
grand mammies, grand pappies, illegitimate two-headed sheep, elephant boys, batboys (who live in caves), Elvis
and on and on and on and on.
This comes from a bunch of wankers who look half dead already, almost Mormonish in their appearance. I can assume
that on the weekends they go to a local abandoned warehouse to one of them there rave things. They pop their Ecstasy
and dance to the techno beat. All of a sudden, one of the ravers freaks out, falls from a girder and smashes headfirst
into the floor, splitting their head wiiiiiiiide open.
Another raver doesn't notice and slips in the blood and brain mixture and falls onto a huge bandsaw that has been
left by the previous tenant. The saw cuts the body in two and both halves settle gently onto the floor.
Yet another raver notices this and starts to vomit, yet they swallow their tongue and soon they are thrashing about
on the floor from lack of oxygen. Other ravers see this and there is a mad stampede towards the front door.
Alas, only 7 out of the 237 people make it, for the rest of them are trampled to death in the mad rush. A pity
it is. And to think, if they were only to smoke, nothing like this would have happened.
Find what I wrote above offensive? Bob does.
(A NOTE FROM BOB:
I AM VERY SORRY IF ANYONE WAS OFFENDED BY WHAT STEPHEN WROTE. DUE TO A LAWSUIT THAT WE LOST, WE CAN NO LONGER EDIT
WHAT HE SUBMITS)
Amazingly, Bob only gave everyone half the story. It's true that he was sent to jail for DWI, but he forgot to
mention that he was caught only when the policeman found him out in the cornfield fondling the testicles of a rather
large moose. I do not know why he didn't mention that, but I am more than happy to set the record straight. Bob
is a moose testicle fondler. That will remain on his record forever.
(ANOTHER NOTE FROM BOB: I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY THIS ALLEGATION)
If Jerome was in the woods with no one else was around and a really large tree fell on him, would he die?
(ONE LAST NOTE FROM BOB:
I HOPE HE DIES. I DON'T LIKE JEROME.)
COMING NEXT: We answer
the Question!
By "Stephen Johnson"
For a scientific experiment that we were running, we were going to have Jerome sit in the woods until a tree hit
him. We wanted to find out if Jerome would make a sound when the tree hit him when no one else was around.
Imagine our shock when Jerome showed up for work yesterday. We thought that our grand experiment had failed, but
Jerome had saved the day.
Jerome gave his cousin, Jamal, $5.00 to sit in the woods. Afraid that Jamal might run away after a day or so, Jerome
tied Jamal to some stakes that he had set up. Jerome also left a voice activated recorder with Jamal in order to
record our historic findings.
The next day, Jerome decided to check on Jamal and make sure he was dead, or at least seriously maimed, due to
a falling tree. Instead, Jamal had been chewed on by a hungry bear cub and half of his left leg was gone. However,
in the name of science, Jerome tied the stump to another stake since he wanted to be sure that Jamal would not
wiggle free.
Jerome went out to the testing site on day 2 and noticed that Jamal was now missing an eye and his right ring finger.
Jamal seemed a bit delirious, but after Jerome gave him some Nyquil, he seemed to settle down a bit. Jerome stuffed
some moss into the empty eye socket so Jamal wouldn't get a chill.
On day three Jerome finally got the answer he was looking for. A large fir tree had fallen during the night and
landed on Jamal's chest. Jerome asked Jamal if he made a noise when the tree hit him, but Jamal could only manage
to wheeze.
Not satisfied with the answer, Jerome tried to remove the fir tree off of Jamal, but it was too heavy. He decided
to come back later that evening with a chain saw to cut the tree into many little, manageable pieces. Jerome then
grabbed the recorder and headed straight to our office.
We spent a good half hour listening to the tape. We heard a distinct cracking noise, which we assumed to be the
tree, then we heard a small scream which was immediately cut off by a wet thunk. Therefore, we have decided that
if Jamal was in the woods and no one else was around and a tree were to fall on him, he WOULD make a sound. Who
says you need a college degree to perform experiments?
Onto some mail!!!
Jacob B. from Salt Lake City, UT:
"I stumbled across your site when I was searching the web for information on the Mormons. I am a devout Mormon
myself and I am very appalled at what you have been writng about us and our children. I hope one day you are saved."
That is very interesting, Jacob. When Bob submitted this site
to search engines, he submitted it as "Naked Titties" Now, why were you looking for naked titties?
Nicole R. in Salt Lake City, UT:
Our children are not spawn of satan. They are very angelic. Shame on you for making fun of our beliefs."
Let me guess. You're Mormon? Hey, take this test. Shave the little
spawns head and see what's tattooed on it. Probably nothing, but you are stupid enough to check.
Chuck N. in Missouri Valley, IA:
"I hate the Mormons too! Way to go!"
Gee thanks, you ignorant Amish fuckhead.
COMING NEXT: How much
did "Ladies Man" make at the box office? Bob sure wants to know.