These last few days have been truly hectic. I am writing this as Bob and I are sitting in a hospital waiting room.

We decided to take off in my 1975 Toyota pickup in order to do some storm chasing in the Midwest. Jerome sat in the pickup bed as we drove through many different states trying to find the right storm.

Finally, in Iowa, we came across a really big thunderstorm. We gave Jerome a 24 pack of Schlitz and ordered him to drink it, which he happily did.

We figured where the storm was heading and stopped at a small farm. Jerome had to really pee, but we told him that in the name of science, he could not pee until we gave him the okay.

The owner of the farm agreed to let us use his bathroom as long as we gave hi $5.00. That's a lot of money in Iowa and Bob agreed. Then we waited for the storm to position itself above the house.

The storm blew in and we rushed Jerome into the bathroom. He was complaining of cramps, but we just ignored him. As soon as we heard the thunder directly above the house, we ordered Jerome to pee.

And pee he did. For a moment. Lightning struck nearby and somehow ran underground through the water lines, into the toilet and up Jerome's pee stream.

Jerome was flung from the bathroom, through the living room and out a huge plate glass window. He slammed into a tree and finally crumbled to the ground, right next to a red apple.

We measured the distance and discovered that Jerome had flown 127 feet. We celebrated a bit with some more Schlitz, then called an ambulance since it seemed that Jerome was having a bit of a problem breathing. It might have been because he was lying face down on the ground, but we weren't sure because we aren't doctors.

So, here we are at the hospital. Jerome is okay, just a little fried. He recommends that you do not pee while there is a thunderstorm around. Bob is hoping that the doctor gives Jerome some good drugs because Bob wants to "experiment".

Hey, here comes Jerome! He's looking good, but he does smell like a burned hamburger. The doctor says that his hair will grow back fully. That's good cause Jerome looks kind of funny with all those bald patches.

Wonder if we should ask him about his penis?

COMING NEXT: Did we ask Jerome about his penis?

10/30/00

Lunatic Ravings!

By "Stephen Johnson"

Halloween is almost here. I heard someone on the radio state that Halloween is the second most popular holiday, behind Christmas.

When I was growing up, Halloween meant sacrificing a virgin. We didn't do the candy thing because we thought it was stupid and for the hoity-toity people. Nowadays, I guess the sacrifice thing isn't the "in thing". That's too bad.

On the day before Halloween, (called "Mischief Night" by some, or "Let's Hunt us Down a Virgin Night" as we liked to call it) we would dress up in our finest black suits, white shirts and the funky black tie, and walk around the neighborhood knocking on doors and trying to convince whoever answered to join our religion because they were all sinners and needed to be saved. If no one was home, we would leave a note telling them when and where our next meeting would be, and if they didn't go, they would burn in hell forever.

Oh, wait a second. That's the Mormons. Sorry about that.

What we actually did was walk around our little town trying to find a virgin. We were only between the ages of 8-10 and really didn't know what a virgin actually was, but we knew they were special because we heard about them on Saturday morning cartoons.

We never found ourselves a virgin. Generally, we would quit looking after an hour or so and drink Nyquil and pop Flinstone's Vitamins until we were quite delirious. Then we would talk about how we would sacrifice a virgin.

Actually, one year we thought we had actually captured a virgin, but it was only my sister. Even though I didn't know what a virgin was, I knew it couldn't be my sister. Now I realize I might have been mistaken about that because she was adopted.

As we got older, the only virgins we knew were in the high school debate club, and they were always out of town on Halloween for some big debate thing, so we couldn't do the sacrificial thing.

In college the virgins were always working on the Meals on Wheels program on Halloween because the shut-ins were always very hungry for some reason. So, no virgins then either.

Now we realize there are no virgins, so we never got to enjoy Halloween. Good thing someone invented alcohol.

So, this Halloween, I have the honor of handing out candy to Mormonian spawn. I know caffeine is forbidden by the Mormon religion, yet I don't know the reason why. Maybe because it's a stimulant, but I don't know. If that is the case though, I really shouldn't hand out candy because that is also a stimulant. I also assume that cigarettes would be forbidden.

Maybe it would be okay if I hand out those little airline bottles of liquor. Definitely not a stimulant for the young folk, but there might be a slight legality problem.

I guess that leaves me with two options. I can give them candy and get prepared for their holy war, or I can sit at home with the lights out and not answer the door. I kind of prefer the holy war, so the little Mormon spew are gonna accept their bite size Milky Way's and like it!

Oh, and about Jerome's penis. We didn't ask and he didn't volunteer any information so we assume that everything is ok.

COMING NEXT: Will there be a holy war?