I was up in the mountains this past weekend, enjoying a cool, crisp beer and a
cigarette, when I heard the sounds of gunshots coming from far, far away.
I waited until dark to come down from the mountains, (since in the dark, the Mormons can't see your fear) and immediately
went home, after a unscheduled stop at a local "adult entertainment bar".
$500.00 poorer, (lap dances cost quite a bit of money) I sat in my tattered recliner and turned on the big screen
tv. The top story on ESPN was the Oklahoma defeated Nebraska in college football.
I called a good friend of mine in Nebraska, who is the only resident to actually have a working phone and running
water, and asked him if there was a large amount of suicides that day. He told me yes, and I uncovered what those
gunshots were. What a grand reporter type person I am!!
Nebraska is now in a state of mourning. The football team loses, so the Nebraskanites have nothing to live for.
And that is quite the darn shame.
However, in their defense, there were probably bad calls against Nebraska, and someone on Oklahoma probably fumbled
and a Nebraska player probably picked up the ball but was tackled by the Oklahoma mascot and the referee didn't
see it and the Nebraska player fumbled because he was surprised and that was the turning point of the game and
that's the reason that Nebraska lost. Or, it's probably something quite close to that. Ask a Nebraska fan and they
will have at least 10 unfounded theories on why their football team lost, and at least one of them will have to
do with an alien abduction of cousin Billy Bob.
So, which is the better state to live in? In Nebraska, if you don't like their football team, fans will throw rocks
at you and call you a communist pig. In Utah, if you make fun of the Mormon's, they only try to convert you more.
It's a tough choice.
Jerome has come up with a brand new experiment, all in the name of science! He wants to see if he gets hit by a
bus, would he actually get knocked out of his shoes. Wonder why he hasn't asked for a government grant yet?
You might have noticed that Bob did not write his column again this past Sunday. Bob went to Las Vegas to get married
to a hooker named Laura. Yet Bob is already married to Allison. Will this cause a problem in the Senitram household?
Gee, I wonder.
My sister is a fine, upstanding citizen and I am very sorry I called into question her purity in my last column.
I am deeply sorry and humbled. (My sisters lawyer said I had to write an apology, so I just did. I just don't feel
that she had to be such a bitch about it.)
COMING NEXT: Great holiday
gift ideas!
By "Stephen Johnson"
Election Day is coming, and we are very excited! A lot of people seem to be unsure on whom to vote for this year,
so we want to remind everyone of the "write in vote". Just write in "Jon & Bob" and your
problem will be solved. You just have to write 6 letters and the "&" sign, and you're done!!
As stated before, we aren't promising anything. So, if we are elected, we have nothing to live up to, and the you
won't be mad because we didn't do what we promised to do. Go ahead and practice writing "Jon & Bob"
at home. You can even try "Bob & Jon". See how easy that is?
However, since my spousal unit wondered why Pokemon still exists, I might try to do something if elected. I explained
to her that Pokemon will exist for a very long time because children generally have smaller heads than adults so
that means they have smaller brains.
I feel if we can stretch the head of the child before it is born, then we would not have to deal with Pokemon type
things. We would not have to wait 5 hours in line at Burger King because they have a special Pokemon toy to give
out.
The brain is like jelly, so if the head is stretched, the brain will settle and become larger. That will cause
more adult-like thoughts, so you could allow your 5 year old to watch porn movies without fear of them becoming
a serial killer later in life.
I can't guarantee that head stretching will work, but we give it a try. We will test it out on ants first to see
what happens, then we will eventually work our way up to humans. This can be done if you elect "Jon &
Bob" this coming Tuesday. Thank you!
Jerome's latest test is, so far, a complete failure. He has stood in the street waiting for a bus to hit him, but
they just drive around him. He has tried jumping in front of the bus, but we have to keep on telling him that the
test will only work if the bus is moving.
On Monday, we are going to board a bus and cause a diversion so Jerome can conduct his test, all in the name of
science. Sorry if you read this expecting results. Just tell your teacher that you had a death in the family and
they should grant you an extension. Hell, it worked for Bob. He actually killed his whole family for some strange
reason, and he never had to turn an assignment in on time. He was the envy of the neighborhood.
If you are looking for that perfect holiday gift, try a carton of cigarettes and a six pack of beer. That's the
best we could come up with.
COMING NEXT: Does anyone
actually vote for us? Is Peter Jennings shocked that we came out of nowhere to win?