I woke up Wednesday morning, stretched, and drank the last of the beer left from the previous night. I figured it would be a wonderful day since there HAD to be some news people outside my door asking questions about our stunning victory for the presidency of the United States.

I decided to make them wait and had a couple of cigarettes and some more beer. I figured it would be a good day to take a hot shower, which is exactly what I did.

A couple of hours after I woke up I finally walked outside and instead of a group of news people, I ran into a couple of men with white shirts and black ties. That's right, them damn Mormons. Before they could speak, I explained to them I had to write our concession speech and hastily went back inside.

I really expected that we would win. I also thought that "Charlies Angels" looks like a shitty movie. Oh, well. What do I know?

So, Fred Durst and the boys from Limp Bizkit have a new album out called "Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water". When I first heard the title, I thought it was deep in meaning and I tried to figure out what the meaning actually was.

I finally wised up and, boy, I gotta tell ya, those Limp Bizkit guys are FUNNY! Man, they ROCK! They are so COOL! And they also like Star Wars because they did a song about a Wookie a few years ago. Hey, they did it all for a Wookie!!

Anyways, I got a couple of ideas for the title of their next album. How about "Harry Johnson and his Sack of Balls"? That's a good one with some deep meaning. Or, how about "The Little Man in the Boat at the Top of the Bushy Taco"? That also has some deep meaning. Remember, long album titles make you sound mature, unless you go way to far like Fiona Apple.

Jerome was finally hit by a bus. We paid a bus driver not to swerve around Jerome while he stood in the road.

We explained to Jerome that he had to make sure that he was relaxed when he saw the bus bearing down on him. If he tightened up, then he would die. However, if he was relaxed, he would suffer a minimal amount of damage.

Jerome did relax. He also was knocked completely out of his shoes, since he did cheat a little bit bit and left them unlaced. We found Jerome about 200 yards from the point of impact because the bus was traveling at least 45 MPH.

Jerome was awake when we found him. The only thing we found wrong was his snapped spine, but we rushed him back to the office and called an ambulance. He is now resting comfortably in the hospital and we are hoping he is released soon because we have another experiment. All this in the name of science.

By the way, my birthday is in 3 weeks so please shop for my gifts now.

Thanks, I love you all!!

COMING NEXT: The Spice Girls: Better after Gerry?

By "Stephen Johnson"

I really don't want to jump on the bandwagon and start discussing politics, but I guess I really don't have much of a choice. So, here goes.

First, I must deliver our concession speech:

"Thanks for everyone who voted for us, but we lost. Well, we think we lost. Bob wants all the ballots in every state to be hand counted because he thinks we might have more of the popular vote than we actually think we have. To me, I really don't care because I am kind of drunk. Bob is also drunk, but he sometimes has really deep thoughts. I guess the voters didn't want us to lower the drinking age to 15 in all states, so we didn't get a large amount of votes. That's too bad, because that drinking thing was a one time thing. For the next presidential race we will probably forget about the drinking thing. Anyways, if we would have won the popular vote and the electoral college, WE WOULDN'T BE WONDERING WHO THE NEXT PRESIDENT IS! So, who's fault is that?"

No one would let us on television to deliver our speech, so I had to do it here. Sorry.

For the second thing, are people really that fucking stupid? Have we, as a society, been lulled to sleep with crap like Harry Potter and "Friends" that we can't correctly punch a ballot? The dumbing down of America seems to be happening very quickly.

If these people were so confused about how to follow a simple arrow on a ballot, imagine how they are driving. One way street signs must really mess up their minds. How about a sign pointing towards the bathrooms? Do they just pee their pants because they can't figure where the arrow is pointing?

Frankly, I really don't care who wins. I just am sick and tired of people whining because they couldn't follow simple directions. I say they give the same ballot to some first graders and see how well they do. I also don't understand why people are getting in shouting matches about who voted for who. It is just a bit too crazy and a lot of people need to get a life. I really think it is that simple.

That's all the politics for now. I meant to do this a couple of weeks ago, but forgot. THE KID FROM "THE SIXTH SENSE" DIES IN HIS NEW MOVIE CALLED "PAY IT FORWARD". I just saved you some money.

And talking about "The Sixth Sense", the director of that movie has a new movie called "Unbreakable" coming out at Thanksgiving, which happens to be A DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY.

I have seen commercials for "Unbreakable", which stars Bruce Willis, and I have this feeling, maybe I can call it my seventh sense, that it is along the same lines as "The Sixth Sense". I just have this strange feeling that Bruce Willis' character in "Unbreakable" is also quite dead.

Therefore, I feel that it is my duty to give away the secret of "Unbreakable" when I find out what it is. If it is like "The Sixth Sense", then I would have saved you from wasting your money. If it is not the same, then I guess I was wrong, but I will still post what it is because that's the kind of person I am. You are so very welcome

COMING NEXT: Hopefully, no political shit.