So, the presidential election is still not over and the Nebraska Cornhuskers lost
another football game, causing another rash of mass suicides in the state.
Now, I'm not one of those people who get into people who can (supposedly) predict the future. You know, like that
lady on tv who reads the tarot cards, while a bunch of incense burns in the background. Maybe she's smoking some
marijuana to get her visions, but I guess we'll never really know, unless we actually call her.
It is kind of strange what Nostradamus predicted. I am not a Nostradamus expert, but I did go to college for 7
1/2 years studying his predictions.
I particularly remember one of his predictions, which is kind of shocking and weird, considering what has happened
recently.
"In the year 2000, a great fight between to wannabe leaders named Bore and Gash will ultimately be determined
by common people that are so hunched over from age, they will not be able to navigate their horseless carriages
without sitting on a book of Shakespeare's complete works. Oh, and the Nebraska Cornhuskers will lose at least
2 games causing mass suicides in the state."
Wow! I might not have written it exactly as he stated it, but I can assure you that it is almost pretty darn close.
Nostradamus: A Fucking Genius. My parents would be proud of the learning I got from college.
Our good buddy Eminem lost a notebook allegedly containing very "important work" while he was on a flight
from Cincinnati to New Orleans. Important as, say, a copy of a Harry Potter book which, as we all know, as stunning
works of literary genius. I'm sure Mr. Em can write more lyrics on how to bust a cap in some woman's ass then bury
her in a meat locker. Remember, he ranks up there with Tom Wolfe in terms of writing. Or so I have been told.
I am very happy to report that Jerome has been released from the hospital and is back at work. A few well placed
stapled in his back and his spine is as good as new.
For Jerome's next test (all in the name of science), we are going to heavily sedate him and tape his mouth open.
While he sleeps, we are going to dump a bunch of bugs, hamsters and kittens on the bed and see how many actually
crawl into his mouth. Supposedly, the average human eats one spider a year while they sleep. We just want to see
if this is true. The hamster and kitten thing is just for our pleasure. And yes, we are hoping the hamster only
goes into his mouth.
COMING NEXT: The results!!
By "Stephen Johnson"
Well, we have no results on Jerome's latest scientific experiment. We had a glass enclosed bed set up, but he backed
out at the last minute due to a sudden case of claustrophobia. We are currently devising a new plan to trick him
into performing the experiment, or we'll just knock him out.
One good thing did come out of the failed experiment in that I had the opportunity to talk to Anthony, who just
happens to be Jerome's cousin. He told me an interesting story about how he was offered cigarettes to place a vote
for a certain presidential candidate. Shocked, I gave Anthony a couple of beers in order to loosen him up so I
could get the full story.
According to Anthony, he was standing on a corner of a certain street in a certain northern state. (I cannot give
the name of the street or the state because of my journalistic integrity. Or I'm making this up. You decide.)
Some men dressed "spiffily" approached Anthony as he was minding his own business. Thinking they were
guvment men that wanted to question him about his recent alien abduction, Anthony started to run.
Anthony didn't run very far, quite possibly due to his broken leg. The men caught up to Anthony and he started
screaming "like a six year old girl who watched the family puppy get run over by a lawnmower".
After he quieted down, he was offered a pack of cigarettes by one of the men. Anthony is not the type of person
to turn down anything free, yet he felt that these men wanted something in return.
"I ain't a male prostitute, so I won't be doing none of that sex stuff with you guys," Anthony said to
the men.
One of the men assured Anthony that they didn't want sex. Instead, they wanted him to vote for a certain presidential
candidate. Anthony thought that a pack of cigarettes for a vote was quite a fantastic deal.
However, Anthony is a menthol man and they did not give him menthol cigarettes. He asked if he could have some
menthol smokes instead, but he was told that they didn't have any. Anthony, the true patriot that he is, turned
down their offer.
What an American!!
I wonder what thetruth.com is going to say about this? Cigarettes are a great bartering tool, and that is something
they don't seem to mention in their commercials. I wonder why?
Are they scared of the real truth?
During this whole ballot mess, I have learned a couple of things. One,
MSNBC has quite a few good looking women working there. (Yep, I guess I'm a pig.) And two, I really don't give
a shit what's going on anymore, unlike Bob, who still thinks Dewey has a great chance of winning.
I say fuck it, let's just appoint ourselves a King and Queen, kind of like at the prom. I'm thinking along the
lines of Jack Nicholson and Deborah Foreman. I have no reasoning behind this, I just think it sounds neat. Just
let everyone vote on who they think would be a good King and Queen. Anyone would have the opportunity to run the
United States how they saw fit for one year. Again, I have no reasoning behind this, I just personally find it
slightly amusing and I have to write something at least 500 words and I think this just about does it.
COMING NEXT: How Diet
Mountain Dew made people bow down before me.