Currently our web expert is working on a faster loading site for us. We're very
sorry if this has caused any inconvenience for anyone. We have also changed our posting dates:
Monday: "Lunatic Ravings"
Tuesday: "Ask Bob" (A waste of space, if you ask me)
Wednesday: "Chick Shit for Chic Chicks" (A new column written by Melissa, the unknown woman)
Thursday: "Lunatic Ravings"
Friday: (Nothing. On the fifth day, we drink)
Saturday: New Stories!!
Sunday: (Nothing. We confess our sins, smoke, drink, swear and have sex so we can confess something the following
Sunday)
There you have it! So new and improved, it's almost shiny!
Our latest test with Jerome is finally complete. We finally convinced him, with a 2X4 upside the head, that he
could sleep in a glass enclosed booth.
After he was snoring peacefully, we dumped spiders, frogs, beetles, ants, 8 kittens into the booth and shut the
lid tight.
We pulled up a few recliners and cracked open some beers and prepared to wait for the results of the test. (For
those who don't know what I'm talking about, tough. You should have read the column from last Wednesday.)
I thought a spider would be the first critter to crawl into Jerome's mouth. Bob thought it would be a beetle. Some
of the other people with us had some ideas also, but they are worthless people, so I am not gong to include their
thoughts here.
We watched as the kittens tore into the frogs. For some reason, it seems that kitten like hopping frogs. We watched
in amusement as the kittens clawed and bit the shit out of the frogs.
One of the frogs decided it had to make a getaway. We had duct taped Jerome's mouth wide open for the test, and
one of the frogs hopped into his mouth. One of the kittens saw this and decided to give chase.
The kitten stuck its little head into Jerome's mouth and looked around. It backed up a little bit, shook its butt
and jumped into Jerome's mouth! Amazing!
We watched as the kitten worked its way down Jerome's throat. However, our fun wouldn't last as one of the people
with us claimed that Jerome could possibly suffocate if the cat were to become stuck in his throat.
We quickly removed Jerome from the booth and lay him on the floor as the rest of the people caught the remaining
kittens and stomped on the bugs and living frogs.
Bob tried to talk the kitten out of Jerome's throat, but it didn't work. I noticed that Jerome seemed to be turning
blue, so we knew that we had to get the kitten out fast.
Bob started jumping up and down on Jerome's stomach. After a few jumps, the kitten flew out of Jerome's mouth,
followed by the frog. I caught the kitten in mid air, but I wasn't so lucky with the frog, which hit the ceiling
fan and was cut in half.
The kitten was fine, only a little damp. Jerome finally woke up and still doesn't realize he performed the test.
There might be some brain damage, but we really don't know because we aren't doctors. However. we feel the test
was a success and we got our answer, which is the only thing that matters.
To celebrate, I am heading to Las Vegas this holiday weekend. I hope everyone has a happy and safe Thanksgiving,
and everyone who has a birthday this Friday the 24th (like me), happy birthday!
COMING NEXT: DIet Mountain
Dew, people bowing-----I'll get to it!!!
By "Stephen Johnson"
Got back from Las Vegas today and I think I am going to make this a Thanksgiving/Birthday tradition. I have been
to Vegas before, but it seems to be more fun during a holiday, like my birthday. And yes, I won.
We spent most of our time at the MGM Grand and Bally's. We also checked out Caesar's Palace, because I wanted to
see statues of naked people because they make me giggle.
Portions of Caesar's look like your typical mall. However, you are allowed to smoke. Maybe regular malls should
take note of this. I did not notice one person who got pissed off because I lit a cigarette while standing in front
of Victoria's Secret. I think that if people are allowed to smoke in malls, they will loosen up and buy more things.
The one negative was that we were at the MGM Grand the same time that 'N Sync were in concert there. Too many kids
and bleary eyed parents around. They are kind fun of to kick, though. I'm talking about the parents since kicking
kids is illegal. Well, it would have been illegal if I was caught. I probably would have had more fun kicking the
members of 'N Sync, but you can't have everything, I guess.
Right now I'm not pissed off about anything, and this is probably due to me being extremely tired. Even Bob doesn't
piss me off at this exact moment. I stopped in the office today and Bob was lying naked and drunk on my desk, yet
I didn't care. I didn't even care about the two naked hookers that were asleep on the floor.
At first, I did care that we were missing $40.00 from the petty cash, but I shrugged it off. Bob needs the hookers
so I think the $40.00 was an investment he needed to make. Yet, I really don't care.
And I really don't care about writing anything else now because I am tired and I do want to get some sleep. If
you want more, just read this whole column again.
COMING NEXT: What I promised
before