I want to thank those that are still visiting us while we go through some bullshit
server problem that is causing the site to load very, very slowly. Hopefully, this problem will be rectified soon
and we again thank everyone for their patience.
You might have noticed we have a new person on board writing a column called "Chick Shit for Chic Chicks".
Her name is Melissa and she is completely fucked in the head and I would like to see her die a painful death. I
have only met her once and she really didn't piss me off or anything, but I still think she should die. I have
a feeling she is going to get much, much worse. Bob also still has the hots for her even though they broke up some
time ago. Bob would fuck a sponge if you drew a face on it, so I see a small problem arising soon. I will be sure
to keep you updated.
Now, on to those fucking Mormons.
When I get my mail, I want to get my mail in peace. I don't want some stranger trying to strike up a conversation
with me or try to sell me something. The Mormons see this differently, I guess.
I was confronted by 2 Mormons as I went to get my mail. They always travel in pairs in case one of them gets the
shit beat out of them the other can scurry to call on their Lord for guidance and support. Or something like that.
Anyways, here's the conversation, the best I can recollect.
"Hello. How are you today?"
"Pretty good."
"That's good. My name is Bastard and this is Bitch."
"Great."
"We are servants of the Lord."
"Oh." (I guess I should have said something like "No shit?".)
"Do you live alone?"
"Nope. I live with my girlfriend."
"Do you have any kids?"
"Nope."
"Oh. Do you read the Bible?"
"Yep." (Okay, I lied. I was also smoking as they talked to me so sue
me.)
"Have you ever read the Book of Mormon?"
"Gosh golly gee, no! It looks like a SWELL read though!" (Just humor me on that one.)
"Would you like a free copy of the book of Mormon? I have one right here."
"No thanks. I'm Episcopalian." (AND I go to church EVERY Sunday. I forgot to tell them that one.)
"You don't want a free book?"
"No, thanks."
"It's free."
"Nope. No, thanks."
"Turning down a free book? Wow! Okay, you have a nice day."
"Uh huh."
And there you have it. Looking back on it, I could have answered many different ways. But they are like the children
of the damned so all your cognizant thought completely flies out of your head as they approach and you stand there
like a complete idiot as they try to take over your soul with some sort of mental mindfuck game. The only thought
in your head is "Oh fuck, they got me."
And horrors upon horrors, there is a video out called "God's Army" about these Mormon people who try
to take over the city of Los Angeles. I have heard from a very good source that there are many scenes of sexual
perversions spliced into the film for some reason. My source also told me that it was only on the VHS version,
and that they ruined quite a few tapes trying to find all the scenes, one of which supposedly involves a horse.
I assume that they put these single frames in to put subliminal thoughts into non-Mormonians so they switch over
to the Mormon way of life. I have also heard rumors that Mormons like partying with animals, but I have no proof
to back that up, so I won't mention it.
I DO NOT recommend that you go to your local video rental place and rent all "God's Army" that is available.
I also DO NOT recommend that you take these tapes home and watch them in slow motion trying to find the sex scenes,
because you might ruin the tapes, as my source did.
I DO recommend that you buy "God's Army" for everyone one on your Christmas list because, if they're
not Mormon, they're sinners.
COMING NEXT: I hear from
Blockbuster
By "Stephen Johnson"
I have wanted to write the following for a couple of weeks but, due to the Mormons, the Presidential "election"
and other numerous things, I haven't been able to. That is, of course, until now!!
Generally, I jog about 15-20 miles a day because I am such a health nut. Well, other than the cigarettes and beer.
And pasta dishes. And Mountain Dew. Actually, it is DIET Mountain Dew, so I guess I really am a health nut.
So, I was doing my daily jog and was wearing my favorite white shirt. This shirt
has no logo or anything because I don't believe that I should advertise anything for free.
When I jog, I sweat. I don't know why but it has something to do with sweat glands. I really didn't pay that much
attention in science classes. Since I drink great quantities of Diet Mountain Dew, I have the tendency to sweat
yellow.
I finished my daily 30 mile jog and, with my shirt sweat soaked, stopped at a convenience store to grab a cool,
crisp Diet Mountain Dew. As I waited in line to pay, a lady walked in, looked at me and fell to her knees.
Being the caring individual that I am, I wondered what ailment suddenly struck her. Then it was my turn to pay
for my item and I forgot about her.
As I was leaving, this same lady grabbed my leg and would not let go. I kicked and kicked, but she hung on. Finally,
I whacked her on the head with the bottle of Dew and she let go.
I waited until she woke up then I picked her up and asked her what her problem was.
She looked a bit dazed but she managed to say, "You have been blessed."
"What are you talking about?" I asked as I raised the bottle in case I needed to strike again.
"I can see the image of the Virgin Mary in the sweat stain on your shirt," she said as she kneeled again.
I immediately ran out of the store. Out in the parking lot, a family got out of an old Plymouth station wagon and
threw themselves on the ground and started screaming something that sounded like "Yee yee yeeeeeeee!"
over and over again.
On my way home, people were stopping their cars in the middle of the street, getting out and bowing before me.
Some people so threw some money at me, but I was a little scared so I didn't bother to pick any of it up.
I finally made it home and locked the door as throngs of people knocked at the
door, trying to get a glimpse of the Diet Mountain Dew image of the Virgin Mary, yet I was in no mood to have people
throw themselves at my feet, so I stayed inside.
I told my wife what happened but she told me I was probably drunk and that I imagined the whole thing. I asked
her about the people knocking on the door, but she pointed out that they were probably Mormons trying to preach
the word of God to us and there was no way in hell she would answer the door.
I decided that I would go to the Mormon church the next day with my new Holy shirt and convert them to my beliefs.
I went to bed early that day because I knew the next day would be busy with all my new followers.
However, my wife washed my shirt that night and there was no more picture of the Virgin Mary. So, I got totally
fucked over on that one.
I have jogged and jogged while wearing that shirt and the only thing I can see in my sweat is a possible picture
of Jesus. But no one really cares about my next door neighbor, except for Juanita, his wife. Life really does suck,
I guess.
After you are done reading this paragraph, please remember to go and vote for your favorite story written by Dan
Ericsson. When he gets published by some high falutin' publishing house, then me and Bob can be Dan's personal
bodyguards because he will feel indebted to us. Or maybe not. Vote for your favorite Dan story, because it will
help him out and he's a great guy. So go and vote now.
COMING NEXT: Wrap, Snap
& Go Rollers: What's up with that?