By Stephen Johnson
I have held onto a secret for some time now and I think that now is the
right time for me to let everyone know what it is.
Bob was addicted to drugs. That's right, our Bob had been in jail due to a severe dependency on a banned substance.
He has had to write his column while behind bars and while going through withdrawals.
We applaud Bob and offer him our full support.
He was freed yesterday and the staff here is working round the clock trying to get him a part on "Ally Mcbeal".
We feel that, in that type of regimented situation, there is no way that Bob will have to resort to drugs to overcome
life's little pitfalls.
In other news, I recently had a very strange dream. I was somewhere, maybe in the south, and 2 women were killed.
One of them was wearing bib overalls, so that is why I assume it was in the south.
The bodies were dumped into a small lake at the bottom of a mountain. I watched the bodies being dumped so the
cops came to me to try and find the killer. One of the cops was Linda Lavin, of "Alice" fame, and we
immediately had sex.
What does that dream mean? I have looked in numerous books about dreams and there is no chapter on having sex with
Linda Lavin. I can only assume that it means she is going to make a huge comeback, but I really don't know. If
there is a psychiatrist out there that can give me an answer about what the dream means, please do. Actually if
anyone knows, that would be fine.
RIchard Hatch of "Survivor" fame has written a book called "101 survival Secrets". If this
book becomes a bestseller, the apocalypse damn sure better be close behind. I'm sure the "Survivor" fan
club has that book on its must read list along with the Harry Potter series, but that doesn't mean normal humans
should really care.
The reason I have not told the secret of "Unbreakable" is because I saw an interview with the director,
M. Night Shithead, and he came across as a complete prick so I decided not to see the movie. That'll teach him.
The top ten Jewel songs/poems/books/clothes we heard, read and/or wore this past year:
10) None
9) None
8) None
7) None
6) None
5) None
4) None
3) None
2) None
1) THE ELECTRIC SPANKING
OF WAR BABIES!!!!!
Yep, it's true, no mention of the Mormons. We have a truce. However, when they do fuck with me, I swear that will
be the last time.
COMING NEXT: What I want
for Christmas.
By Stephen Johnson
I once heard or read somewhere that no two snowflakes are alike and that everyone has a twin.
I have a major problem with that snowflake thing because I think it is impossible that someone checked out billions
upon billions of snowflakes to see if they were alike. To me, that would be impossible, but I have a feeling that
someone received a huge government grant to run tests on snowflakes. The human twin thing is real though. A couple
of years ago, as I was fondling women's lingerie in J C Penney's, a lady came up to me and said that I looked like
a truck driver she knew. I laughed and told her that she was stupid because I have never driven a truck.
This past Saturday, I was leaving a local mall when I noticed someone who looked very familiar walking towards
me. When he got closer, I was shocked to discover that he looked exactly like me!
I have read an article or two about this new fangled cloning thing. When I saw this person, I assumed that I had
been cloned when I was sleeping. I also figured that this might be a government thing because Arnold was just in
a movie about cloning and government and Hollywood are basically the same thing.
I ran to my car and got the tire iron out of the trunk. I ran up behind this "clone" and started to whack
him viciously about the head and neck until he fell to the ground.
I turned him over and noticed that he was still breathing. I figured that he was one of those high tech clones
and a head whacking would not be enough to kill him. I whipped out my trusty Swiss Army Knife and proceeded to
saw his head off with the nail file. That caused quite a mess. Blood was squirting every which way, but I kept
on with my job. As I sawed and hummed "Child of Vision" by Supertramp, I did not notice the crowd that
was gathering.
Two members of this crowd were policemen. They grabbed me by my arms and yanked me up as I was sawing. They threw
me against a car and handcuffed me after patting me down.
They told the rest of the crowd to leave and began questioning me. I told them that it was a clone of me and, since
it was a clone, it was probably very evil and killing would be for the best.
They didn't seem to accept my story, but the prayer alarms went off. Since they were both Mormon, they had no choice
but to release me because they had to go to the nearest temple to pray.
I finished sawing of the head and held it up and danced a happy little jig. Then I went home. That's the whole
story. Damn clones won't be messing with me no more.
I would have a top ten of 2000 list here, but Bob is a lazy shit and I cannot continue until I receive some input
from him. But, never fear-----I have a VERY SPECIAL top ten list.
Top ten ways to get rid of the Mormons when they come to your door and try to recruit your ass:
10) Light up some crack and
offer it to them.
9) Vomit on them.
8) Chain smoke
7) Stand in front of them
and pee your pants.
6) Show them your back room
where your Satanic altar is set up
5) Grab the Book of Mormon
when they offer it to you, then tell ....them you have to take a huge dump and you are out of toilet paper but you'll be right back.
4) Take some of the frozen
body parts of your dead wife out of the freezer and proudly display them. Ask them if they could replace her with
a good Mormon girl.
3) Keep interrupting them
when a good sex scene shows up on "Debbie Does Dallas V." Ask them if the sexual positions are allowed
in the Mormon code of conduct.
2) Stare blankly into space
as they speak. Every so often, scream ....and stab yourself in the head with a fork.
1) Ask if you join their
church if you could still continue to pimp out ....your girlfriend for some extra "fun" money.
COMING NEXT: I answer
some reader mail!!!!