By Stephen Johnson
We would like to wish those that submitted stories, traded links and visited
this site a very Merry Christmas. Everyone else, we really could care less about.
I personally wish Eminem and Mrs, Eminem a happy Christmas. This is a marriage I see lasting for a long time, because
their love for each other is so very true. Or maybe he has a really small penis and she is the only woman that
bothers to put up with him.
I am going to be all alone this Christmas. Pretty sad, isn't it? My better half is going back home for Christmas,
so I will have nothing better to do than sit around and get drunk. However, that will make me like Bob, which would
be a terrible, terrible thing. So, I'll probably just sit around and eat a lot of cheese. Hey, don't cry for me!!!
On to the good ole reader mail:
Jimmy A in Toledo, OH:
"My name is Jimmy and I am 10 years old. I have no idea
how to get ahold of Santa Clause, so I decided to write to you. For Christmas, I would like my mommy to come back
and I would also like my brother to get well. If you can, please forward this to Santa for me?"
Jimmy, I would be more than happy to forward this to Santa for you! you said you were 10 years old? Well, Jimmy,
I'm afraid that I am going to have to burst your bubble on a couple of things here. First, Santa IS NOT REAL! You're
a fucking idiot if you believe that he is. Second, YOUR MOTHER IS DEAD! There ain't no way she is coming back.
Unless you go to Cedarcrest Cemetery, Row 15, Space 6 and dig up her rotting corpse. And, lastly, YOUR BROTHER
IS HOOKED ON CRACK! His brain has basically turned into a jelly-like substance and the only thing he knows how
to do now is drool and tug on his penis. But, don't worry, I will definitely "forward" your letter to
"Santa Claus".
Mary H. in Rochester, NY:
"I was wondering if you can tell me a good gift I can get
Jason, myhusband."
Mary, I am almost positive that your husband was the one who sold Bob all those drugs. Because of Jason, Bob had
to go to rehab. I would get Jason nothing.
Len P. in Charleston, WV:
"I am a little bit annoyed at you guys. You promised to tell
everyone the secret of "Unbreakable" but then you renege on your promise. Whatgives?"
You're right. I feel really bad about that. So, I am going to give away a major plot point of "Castaway"
starring Tom Hanks: HE DOES NOT MAKE IT HOME! HIS PLANE CRASHES!!There. Do you feel better now, Len?
That's all I feel like answering right now. I was going to include another wonderful top ten of 2000 list, but
I left it in the other room and I am too lazy to get it.
COMING NEXT: Our top ten
albums of 2000
By Stephen Johnson
There are a few things I learned this Christmas. One, never listen to Christmas music if you are alone
on Christmas Eve when you can hear your neighbors having a grand ole Christmas party and didn't want to invite
you because you drink beer and smoke.
Quite the fuckers, they are.
Two, if you go to the airport 2 days before Christmas with 22 people in your party and you don't have plane tickets,
please don't bitch and moan when you can only get 11 tickets for your party.
You are quite the fucker, indeed.
I was quite surprised when I dropped my spousal unit off at the airport that it was not busy at all. Since we did
get there a couple of hours before her flight, I did get to watch people being frisked at the security check and
watched other people scream at the ticket agent because they could not bring 5 suitcases and their poodle Fluffy
on board with them. Yep, some people really had that good old Christmas spirit.
What really gets to me is this last minute shopping stuff. Hey, if you "forgot" to get a gift for someone,
they obviously didn't mean that much to you in the first place, so why bother getting them anything anyway?
I still believe that this time of the season contains so much false good cheer, that it has lost a lot of meaning.
Sure, Christmas is commercialized beyond belief, but it pales in comparison to the asshole that is an asshole all
year round until Christmas time approaches, then they have the gall to wish you a Merry Christmas. False cheer
is absolute bullshit to me. Gee, I feel like Mr. Really Negative. Tough shit, I say.
As I promised, here are our top ten albums of 2000! Hooray! Please realize that we are not "music critics"
that look for some deep meaning in lyrics and the like. We like these because we think they are good, and that's
how it should be. Also, some of these did not come out in 2000, but we bought them in 2000 and it was the first
time we heard them so they have been included.
Bob's top 10 (6) albums of 2000:
6) "The Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"---Artist unknown, but I do believe it is the Rolling Stones.
5) "The Voices of Death"---Selected
screams by really good screamers, featuring an interview with Jeffrey Dahmer.
4) That album I borrowed from Doug and never gave back.
3) "Sounds for a Scary Halloween"
- Happy Hallow Sound Effects Team.
2) "Tifffany's Greatest Hit"---TIffany
1) "Best Moans of Vegas Hookers"---Assorted Artists, featuring "Cream-Cheese Carie" with her smash hit, "Are You Done
Yet?"
Was that ten?
Well, if you was in Rehab as much as me you wouldn't have time for music either.
Stephen's top 10 albums of 2000:
10) "Let it Go"---Galactic
Cowboys
9) "The Battle for Los Angeles"---Rage Against the Machine
8) "Adventures of the Imagination"---Michael Schenker
7) "Supershine"---Supershine
6) "Tonight and the Rest of My Life"---Nina Gordon
5) "Please Come Home.....Mr. Bulbous"---King's X
4) "Beethoven's Last Night"---Trans-Siberian Orchestra
3) "If_Then_Else"---The Gathering
2) "Sonic Origami"---Uriah Heep
1) "Brave New World"---Iron Maiden
I would also like to mention new albums by Raven, Kansas abd Platypus that were also quite good, but since it is
only a top ten and I wasn't in rehab at all during this past year, I cannot include them.
Good-bye and have a happy and safe Boxing Day!!
COMING NEXT: I come down
from my holiday depression.