Lunatic Ravings!
By Stephen Johnson
We are finally back on track. Since our last host absolutely 100% sucked, we changed to a new host and, as you
might have noticed, they work a hell of a lot better. Our beloved webmaster fell behind posting things so we beat
him with a can of peas only to learn that it wasn't his fault. We all had a good hearty laugh over that one.
Now we have no excuse. Things will be posted when we say they should be posted. Unless we get lazy and find better
stuff to do, but that is a very remote possibility.
We had to go back to Vegas in order to pick out carpet, flooring and window coverings for our house. During the
drive, eventually all the good radio FM radio stations were lost, and I only had the choice of listening to a yeehaw
station or a Mormon Mindfuck station. Therefore, I decided to check out AM radio, and had my first ever opportunity
to actually listen to "Dr." Laura Schlesinger.
I don't know why every woman that called had to start off their question with "I am my childs/children's mother".
I can only assume that the good "doctor" went off on a caller who wasn't too sure why she woke up out
of her crack induced haze to find 8 babies crawling on her stomach crying for some nourishment. Scared, she called
"Dr." Laura trying to find an answer on what those babies were doing and where they came from.
A wake up call went around the nation on this story and all would be callers banded together and came to the conclusion
that if they gave birth, adopted, bought a child or married a man with a child, then they were officially mothers.
From then on, when they called in to the show, they would let "Dr." Laura on this little secret that
they stumbled across. Either that, or the callers are just plain fucked up, or there is a deep hidden meaning I
just won't bother to understand.
One of the calls really got to me and stuck in my memory. I was a it tired when I heard it, but I will write what
I can remember so you can see what you might be missing.
Caller: "Hello Dr. Laura. My name is Barbara and I was the mother of my own child, but my husband left me
for a transvestite and our child chose him over me."
"Dr." Laura: "I'm sorry about that. How can I help you today? Remember, I am an expert on everything?"
Barbara: "Oh, I do know that! I am having a small problem, I guess."
"D" L: "Well, whatever it is, I can tell you what to do because there is no way I am mistaken in
anything I might tell you."
B: "Okay. This might be kind of hard for me."
"D" L: "I understand. But don't worry, I'm here for you and I'm always right."
B: "Well, ever since my husband left me, I have had to take care of the farm by myself. It does get kind of
lonely out here......."
"D" L: "Is there a question you want to ask here? I am chock full of advice you know."
B: "Right. Okay. Well, as I was saying, it does get kind of lonely out here and I miss being held and told
that I am loved."
"D" L: "Maybe you need to go to counselling with your husband."
B: "Uh, I told you he left me, Dr. Laura."
"D" L: "I know! I was just seeing if you were paying attention."
B: "Okay. Well, one of the horses reminded me of my high school sweetheart and, well. you know, one thing
led to another."
"D" L: "You mean he took naked pictures of you?"
B: "Uh, no. It's a horse. I was lonely and we had......"
"D" L: "Wait a minute here. Who's the expert here? Do you want my help or not?"
B: "Yes I do. But I..."
"D" L: "Stop interrupting me! When was the last time he said he loved you?"
B: "Well, never. He's a horse and can't speak."
"D" L: "Barbara! Just listen to me! If he can't tell you he loves you,
do you think that this is the man you want to spend you life with?"
B: "I don't think he will actually be able to tell me he loves me."
"D" L: "Obviously I am not reaching you. Do you want him to lead you on until he finds someone else?
How will you feel then?"
B: "Uh, I really don't know. It's only a horse. I don't think it will
actually be able to go out and meet other people."
"D" L: "Well, I think you want to live in fear and pain the rest of your life. I don't think you
really want my expert advice by the way you're acting."
B: "Right. I guess the only thing I can do is......"
"D" L: "Exactly! Go get some counselling."
B: "But is that......
"D" L: "I'm sorry Barbara, but since you keep interrupting me I am going to have to let you go and
learn from your own mistakes. Now a word from our sponsor. This is Dr. Laura Schelsinger."
Goodness, I hope Barbara gets her life in order. I guess "Dr." Laura was practicing that tough love thing
on her and it seemed to work. What a genius.
Now for some fearless predictions for the year 2001:
1) A member of The Backstreet Boys and a member of 'N' Sync will get into a wrestling match and after rolling around
on the ground for awhile they will come to the realization that they are in love with each other and will decide
to go public with the news causing mass suicides among teenage girls.
2) Eminem will win a Grammy and will decide to stick it in his ass then remove it and repeatedly bash his wife
upside the head with hit. He will write a song describing what he did and the critics will call him a genius.
3) It will finally be announced that Bob Hope died in 1995.
4) Oprah will gain so much weight that the cover of Oprah Magazine will become a foldout.
Thank you and good night!!
COMING NEXT: More predictions,
and other assorted goodies.
Look for a new "Lunatic Ravings" each Monday and Thursday.
