Lunatic Ravings!
By Stephen Johnson
I forgot to include one of my fearless predictions of 2001 last week:
James Cameron will dump Suzy Amis and hook up with Jessica Alba. "Kingof the World", indeed.
I am shocked and surprised that I didn't see this Lily Tomlin announcement coming. Who knew?
And I have to give a special mention to the lady who might have possibly seen one of the 7 escaped Texas convicts.
In a brilliant stroke of genius, she is interviewed on "America's Most Wanted". An escaped convict in
her area and she has to brag about spotting him. Wow. I generally do not watch "America's Most Wanted",
because John Walsh is annoying, but there was nothing else on. So shoot me.
This past weeks "Cops" was filmed in Jacksonville, Florida which is
where Bob lives, and I did watch that to see if he got busted for something.
At a local grocery store, the cashier that works the express lane seems to have a problem with putting my change
in my hand. This made me veryngry after the second time so I decided to do something about it.
I went to the store and picked up some crap I really didn't need. The cashier was busy picking her nose waiting
for a customer, so I pretended to read a magazine until someone came to her lane.
The cashier quickly wiped her nose-picking finger on her smock as a customer came to her lane. I watched as the
items were scanned, the customer paid and the change was handed back. Was the change placed on that little check
writing shelf? Nope, it was placed in the customer's hand!
I placed my items down and waited while they were scanned. My total came to $7.43 and I gave her $20.00 so I could
get plenty of change. I waited with my hand out and watched as she placed the change on the shelf.
This really pissed me the fuck off. I grabbed her by the wrist and
demanded to know what was going on. She let out a little shriek, kind of like Bob does when he notices that he
is out of beer, and I saw a security guard heading our way.
So I ran.
I don't know what she has against me. I bathe fairly regularly and
remember to use deodorant on most days. My hands aren't hideously misformed nor are there any pus dripping sores.
I offend her somehow, and I must find out why.
This is the reason that we hired Jerome. He is fully healed from his
last assignment and seems ready for his next. I am going to get to the bottom of this problem even if it kills
him.
I guess I will answer some email.
Sam T. in Toronto, ON:
"Is Melissa a hot babe? Is there any way that you can
hook me up with her?"
Have you ever actually read her column, Sam? Melissa is a filthy whore who will spread her legs for anybody and
anything. Give me a buck and I'll give you her phone number.
Trevor S. in Lakenheath, England:
"Why are you always so negative? Can't you ever find the
good things around you?"
No.
Linda P. in Biloxi, MS:
"How come you never posted a list of your ten best movies
of 2000?"
Considering I actually went to see 2 movies last year and Bob only saw "Pokemon: 2000", we really could
not justify a list. Besides, who really cares what we think?
Thanks to everyone who has emailed us. We appreciate all your questions and input.
Really.
COMING NEXT: Jerome hunts
for the answer.
Look for a new "Lunatic Ravings" each Monday and Thursday.
