Lunatic Ravings!
By Stephen Johnson
In the latest edition of "Entertainment Weekly" on page 62, there is a wonderful picture of
Eminem in a tough guy pose, his right hand clutching his dick.
I have seen 3 year old kids running around clutching their dicks because they have to pee. I don't think this is
the case with Eminem and have come to the conclusion that he has some sort of social disease and needs to put pressure
on his penis to stop the constant burning sensation. You heard it here first.
Yesterday I went to throw out the trash and get the mail. As I
was walking towards the mail box cluster, I noticed a woman picking up her mail.
As I got closer, she closed her mail box and started running. This
frightened me and I started chasing her, screaming as loud as I possibly could.
I chased her for a bit when she suddenly stopped. She turned around and stared at me as if I was a complete lunatic.
This caused me to stop and I stared back at her while continuing to scream.
Our staredown lasted for a few minutes when I decided it might be wise if I stopped screaming because my throat
was starting to feel a bit raw. I think I might have intimidated her a bit because she turned around and started
walking away.
"Hey, did you get any good mail?" I asked.
She didn't reply and kept walking away.
"You think your God is better than my God?" I asked as I started to
feel a little peeved.
She stopped and looked back at me. Then she shook her head and continued walking away.
"Oh, go ahead and walk away," I called out as I fell to my knees and bowed towards her retreating figure.
And that was that.
Later on I received a visit from the local constabulary. They asked me a few questions about my state of mind and
left after enjoying some tea and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.
A few minutes later I watched as they dragged the lady out of her house. They threw her into the back of a Hostess
truck after they had finished beating her with blocks of frozen cheddar cheese.
I told my wife about this and she threw out the rest of the cherry pie that Bob had sent us for our anniversary,
claiming that it was laced with something.
I wonder where she comes up with these fantasies? I think she
might have a brain tumor or something. I shall find out tonight because, while she sleeps, I am going to operate.
Tee hee.
COMING NEXT: Something
for everyone!!
Look for a new "Lunatic Ravings" each Monday and Thursday.
