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 This past Saturday I finally had a lucid period and I decided to get everything
ready for the movers.
I was outside and was getting ready to bring in the bird bath when a young boy came over and asked what I was doing.
I told him I was getting things together for our move and he asked if he could help.
I figured that this would help build some good work ethics in the young man, so I told him that he could bring
the bird bath to the back porch.
As he started to pick it up, I heard a very loud snap and he started to scream. Startled, I dropped my beer and
saw him writhing on the grass, his right arm completely cut off.
Wasting no time, I jumped on his chest to stop him from rolling around and pulled out my trusty Bic lighter. I
forgot that it was child proof and, after fumbling around for awhile. I finally got it lit.
I held the flame to the blood spewing stump and cauterized the wound as he continued to struggle. When I was done
I hopped off his chest and helped him to his feet. He mumbled a quick thanks and ran off to play with his friends.
I looked at the bird bath to find out what happened and noticed that I had completely forgot that I had placed
a large bear trap on the back of it to deter any would-be thieves.
The severed arm lay in the snow still twitching and I figured that he might want it back so I picked it up and
carried it over to him. As I approached him and his friends, I saw that he was proudly displaying his new stump.
I handed him his arm and headed back home. When I looked back I saw some of the kids pulling off some of the hanging
burnt flesh and eating it as my little ex-helper whacked them about the head and neck with the amputated arm.
Depressed, I went inside, got thoroughly drunk and watched "The Waltons".
MAILMAILMAILMAILMAILMAILMAILMAILMAIL
Terry K. in Topeka, KS:
"You are such a dickhead. Have you ever fucked sheep? I bet you have. You're a sheep fucker, aren't you!!!"
I could take the juvenile way out and respond with, "Gee, I don't know. Do they consider your mom a sheep?",
but I won't. My mature answer is "Nope".
Lucille D. in Dallas, TX:
"I never received anything for Valentines Day from my husband. Does this mean he doesn't love me any more?
What should I do?"
I don't know. Maybe have an affair to get back at him?
Todd H. in Sacramento, CA:
"Thanks for letting me know about your masturbation habits! I can finally tell everyone in my school that
I do it too!!"
Yep, that'll be amazing and shocking news to your classmates.
Mary L. in Easton, PA:
"Why are you so juvenile?"
Because.
Larry M. in Surprise, NE:
"How can I remove this quarter from my nose?"
Slow day in the trailer park? I would stick a fish hook up the clogged nostril and try to yank out the quarter.
It might take you a few times, but eventually you should be successful. Then, you can take that quarter and make
next months trailer payment!!
And goodbye.
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