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Commentary Archives!
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 B. G. was nice enough to send in an answer regarding my questions about
the origin of oral sex. According to B. G., "the French invented oral sex in order to seduce more English
women. English men are much too proper to come up with that type of thing, and like Mormon men, prefer to have
sex only when absolutely necessary." Sorry if this offends anyone who is French, but go ahead and bitch slap
B. G. and not me.
B. G. goes on to state that because of the above facts, "English and Mormon women are whores." This is
all grand and good, but how did the French stumble upon the actual practice of the oral sex?
Did a French person maybe drink too much wine one night and decide to find out what "down there" might
taste like? And after they were finished, did they excitedly call their next-door neighbor and dare them to try
it too? Fuck how the world was created, I think we need to start with the discovery of oral sex and go on from
there because I have a feeling that everything else will fall into place, like the true meaning of life.
One of the worse things about moving into a new house is the amount of welcoming parties coming over to visit and
give you a slew of free shit that you really don't want or need.
This past Saturday a lady came over to talk to my chick about something. It was late morning and I was still sleeping
because I had tried this new drug that Bob had grown in his back yard and I was still feeling the effects 12 hours
later. I stumbled into the kitchen and saw this strange lady sitting at the table. I was a bit confused and, since
my women had gone to the bathroom, I had no idea who this person was.
I had a weird feeling that this was a vampire and since it had obviously been invited into our house, the only
way I could get rid of it was to kill it.
I looked around for a weapon and saw a decorative cross hanging on the wall. I yanked it off the wall and advanced
on the strange vampire woman. Since I was still a bit bleary brained, I didn't realize that I was holding the cross
upside down, and I'll be damned if I didn't release Satan from the gates of hell.
Now I have Satan and a vampire in my kitchen. I decided that I needed to get rid of biggest problem first so I
ran to the garage in order to get a nice pointy stick.
As you have probably figured, I didn't have a pointy stick. I was totally pissed until I saw a package of Miracle
Grow sticks lying in the corner. I grabbed one of the sticks and a sledgehammer and marched right back into the
kitchen.
Satan was standing in front of the coffee maker trying to figure out how it worked. I paid him no attention and
walked up behind the vampire. I tried to jam the Miracle Grow stick into her chest, but it broke into tiny pieces
and did no harm.
She started to get up from the chair, but I was quick and desperate. I swung the sledgehammer and hit her in the
exact center of her face. Her head was torn from her body and flew through the kitchen window. It bounced on our
front lawn a few times and finally came to rest at the feet of a Girl Scout who was pulling a wagon filled with
cookies.
Satan laughed and said that I did a mighty fine job, but now it was time for me to welcome him as my savior. However,
my woman entered the kitchen at this time and did some sort of Catholic exorcism on him and he disappeared in a
cloud of smoke and coffee grounds.
She saw the body twitching on the floor and I had to explain what happened. I guess I reacted a bit too strongly
because it actually WASN'T a vampire but a representative from a local water softener company. Needless to say.
She was slightly irked at me for the rest of the day.
Now I have to play slave boy for a while until she gets over it.
Sometimes women take things a little bit too seriously.
Gotta go and fetch her some water.
COMING NEXT: So, what
did I do with the body? |
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