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Stephen
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 Rammstein-"Mutter"
A new thing which I decided to do is list the album(s) I listen to as I write this column. Maybe what I write is
affected somehow by what music I'm listening to. Maybe not. I'll give it a try though, and see if a pattern starts
to emerge.
I'm sorry if I confused some with the mention of "album". To me it's still an album, not a CD or tape
or record. If you don't like it, tough shit. Go to some other site where they might actually give a damn.
I received an email from Robert W. which is quite interesting. Well, to me it is.
"Stephen Dumbass,
I have a small SHITHEAD problem. It seems that I DICKHEAD might have Tourette's Syndrome ASS MUNCH, but it only
effects me STRYPER RULES when I am writing. Can you TITTY TWIST possibly help me out FUCK LICK?
Thanks WANKER,
Robert W."
I don't know if this is a joke. If it is, it is definitely in bad taste and thoroughly disgusts me. I am ashamed
that I actually get email like this, yet I feel that I am forced to respond in the small chance that it is legitimate.
Robert, there might be some people out there who might find your problem offensive. These might be the same people
who think that a good time consists of sitting on their plastic patio furniture with a can of Coors light discussing
the latest derring do's on "Survivor".
 If these people are offended, fuck 'em. They are a worthless sort and you can only hope
that the rumors about face cancer from the overuse of cell phones is true.
Then there are those church people. They will definitely find your problem offensive and, since they are a direct
conduit to heaven, you're basically screwed.
Of course there's people like Bob who find your problem very amusing. He is the type of person that will try to
put you in the situation where your problem is magnified so he could get a good laugh. Actually, I'm like that
too.
I guess you really can't win, Robert. I guess you need to find a profession where you don't have to write like
a politician. They don't HAVE to write, but they do need to know how to talk really well.
If your Tourette's happens to spread from your hand to your mouth, I'm sure lots of people would like to hear a
politician start spouting out obscene words and phrases during a speech. I would at least.
If that doesn't appeal to you, go ahead and cut off both your hands. Even though you only write with one hand (if
you are normal), you should still cut them both off because the devil has possession of your writing hand and will
only move to the other one, so cutting off one would only defeat the purpose.
If you learn how to write with your feet and the devil still has you in his grasp, you might as well just give
up and become a writer for "O" magazine. Good luck Robert!!!!!
The word I think that should be barred from the English language is "coupon". I don't care if you pronounce
it "cue-pon" or "coo-pon", it's an annoying word. Go ahead and say it about 100 times in a
row and you'll see what I mean.
That's it!
COMING NEXT: The triangle:
Is it getting the shaft from the square?
Click
Here if you wanna give Stephen "A Good, Ass Whuppin."
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